Fathers Day Breakdown

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So today I broke down in what has been the most painful of days so far. Although I initiated the NC for my own emotional health and partly from advice during conversations with my T who knows my exBPDw well. But not being able to hear from my children today has been the most heartbreaking and upsetting experience of NC.

I am so desperate to reach out to my children that it is unbearable and I knew this wouldn't be an easy experience. I am very tempted this coming week to drop the NC and try with LC instead. I don't want to cut my exBPDw out of my life because of the children, but I also want to have boundaries in place that will be beneficial for all.

I have read the books on offer and have an understanding of BIFF but I also know my exBPDw. My question is how I got about switching from NC to LC because I know the first response will be about how she tried to reach out and I ignored her but now I'm opening up in my time and that is totally unacceptable, selfish and narcissistic. Because that has always been the pattern with her arguments.

I do want to reach out and change NC to LC, but I also don't want to come across as overbearing, too friendly, too abrupt and just start to build bridges that will open up contact with the children but at the same time without opening wounds for either me or the exBPDw.

So what is the best approach? Bearing in mind I am still most likely painted blacker than black right now.

[Murbay]

So today I broke down in what has been the most painful of days so far. Although I initiated the NC for my own emotional health and partly from advice during conversations with my T who knows my exBPDw well. But not being able to hear from my children today has been the most heartbreaking and upsetting experience of NC.

I am so desperate to reach out to my children that it is unbearable and I knew this wouldn't be an easy experience. I am very tempted this coming week to drop the NC and try with LC instead. I don't want to cut my exBPDw out of my life because of the children, but I also want to have boundaries in place that will be beneficial for all.

I have read the books on offer and have an understanding of BIFF but I also know my exBPDw. My question is how I got about switching from NC to LC because I know the first response will be about how she tried to reach out and I ignored her but now I'm opening up in my time and that is totally unacceptable, selfish and narcissistic. Because that has always been the pattern with her arguments.

I do want to reach out and change NC to LC, but I also don't want to come across as overbearing, too friendly, too abrupt and just start to build bridges that will open up contact with the children but at the same time without opening wounds for either me or the exBPDw.

So what is the best approach? Bearing in mind I am still most likely painted blacker than black right now.

[Suzn]

I'm sorry today was so painful Murbay. It's very understandable to want time with your children and today was a painful reminder.

I initiated the NC for my own emotional health

This is the truth, nothing wrong or selfish with tending to your emotional health. Makes for a better father. Listening to your T is always a good plan. Since you have children together LC is going to be a need at some point. Keeping conversations focused on the children will be helpful. What does your visitation agreement/parenting plan look like? How long has it been since you've had contact with your children?

[Murbay]

Thank you suzn 

It's part of the hurdle I know I keep struggling with because of my own nature. Working backwards with T we discovered I have always put others needs before my own, part of the issue from being a young caretaker. Eventually I stopped having needs outside of the basic ones and other peoples needs eventually became my own. As long as I made other people happy, that was always good enough for me. I can't complain at some aspects because I learned the value of money from a young age, I lived all over the world growing up along side different cultures, it defined my career path as an army medic wanting to save the world and being in places where that help was needed. So there was a lot of good that came out of it, but the downside was it left me open to much abuse more so in the case of my exBPDw.

She first aided me in realising there was nothing wrong with taking care of your needs and to actually have needs outside of the basics, it was something that drew us closer together. And then the switch came, anything I tried to do for myself, I was a narcissist and selfish. Anything I tried doing for her needs (and there were many, including I was responsible for taking care of her abandonment issues) and it always just fell short of the mark. Usually followed up with, if only you had done a tiny bit more there wouldn't have been a need to rage or criticise.

I've come a long way in figuring out what was my responsibility and what wasn't but it niggles every now and again. The past 4 months of our marrige, my ex was on bed rest for a bad back and taking a ridiculous amount of prescription meds. Everything from diazepam, oxycodone, percocet, dilauid just to name a few. She also had it in her head that she couldn't hold our daughter or be near the children prior to surgery because they wouldn't operate if she was sick. So to get around that she had the children dosed on antibiotics to stop them from getting sick and infecting her. The entire time though, I did everything I possibly could for the children, school runs, meals, games, downtime, arts and crafts, picking the children up from school at the time she specified despite it meaning I had to leave work early and they were in after an after school program and daycare for the youngest, afternoons in the park, dinner, baths, putting them to bed and also being up with them through the night if they didn't feel well. As well as trying to cater for my exBPDw's needs on top of that. Prescription runs, bookstore runs, organising a schedule for her meds and even sorting them out, showering her, dressing changes, making her meals, sitting down to allow her to vent (that I wasn't supportive of her needs and wasn't doing enough to help her) spending time in the evenings with her, hospital runs, taking her to doctors appointments (all this was happening during my work hours) Not to mention the usual housework that went on, such as cleaning, laundry etc... .

So at the end of the relationship when I asked to set something up for contact with the children, I was met with a "No" because I didn't care about her or the children and showed I didn't care by not doing enough. There is no visitation agreement or parenting plan because my ex wouldn't allow me to set up home nearby to help out, she insisted I go back to my own country 3,500 miles away. So that's how much distance is between me and the children right now. As for how long since I had contact with the children, it's been 6 weeks and not a single day goes by when I don't torture myself thinking about them.

I am really sorry for the long rant, I just needed to get the residual off my chest because as you can probably tell, the pain from today manifested into anger and frustration and now it's subsided 

[Blazing Star]

Murbay,   feeling for you! That is a long long way to be from your children. It must be so so hard.

Something that I know others have done when they have had this distance is to do some kind of journal for their children, you could do an online private blog, or write in a book, doodle, draw etc, so not only do you feel like you are connecting with them still but also you have something to show them when the time comes and they say ":)ad where were you all this time? Did you forget about me?".

I really feel for your children too, this must be hard on them.

I am sorry that I do not know your story, was there no possibility of you staying in the same country as her?

To your original question of how to go from NC to LC, I know others tend to use email, and just keep it relevant to the children, not engaging with any of the other stuff. And to document all communication too. Do both of you have access to skype? Could you email her to arrange a time to skype the kids?

Let us know your thoughts.

Love Blazing Star

[Murbay]

Thank you too Blazing Star 

You have offered some sound advice and some of it I have already taken upon myself. I did start an online blog through the first 4 weeks but haven't written anything in the past 2 weeks because it has been painful and I wanted to write something happier. I might switch to weekly and see where things go from there. I'm also in the process of writing a book, not specifically about the relationship, an idea I had after my military days which I'm starting to pick up and write  of again. Also, I am writing a lot poetry, some of that to do with the children, some to do with my exBPDw and others just feelings in general. Kind of charting an emotional journey from start to end. I have played around with the concept of maybe putting some of that together, having it sent to print and sending out a book each year for the girls birthdays. Only the youngest is mine, my 7yo step-daughter, her father walked out when ex was pregnant, went NC and has never been in contact since. I had a lot of sympathy for ex when she said he told her she was broken and unlovable before he went but now I see that he knew what he was dealing with. So 7yo, I was the father in her life and I look at her as one of my own.

There was a slight possibility of staying in the same country because the company I work for is global but ex did everything she could to sabotage that even going as far as false allegations to try and stop me from ever going back. It was her trying to dominate and control, either way, rather than put myself in the firing line and also to protect the children I left. I couldn't have taken step-daughter and we didn't have a passport for youngest, besides I would have needed her written permission anyway to take the children out of the country so I was flawed on that option. Fighting a custody case from overseas is far too expensive and considering only 3 hours prior to the final rage outburst where she hit self-destruct, she wanted things to be amicable, friendly and had no issues with trying to sort something out with the children. I didn't respond to her e-mail fast enough and all that went out the window. The false allegations, the anger, the complete blackout of my entire friends and family. However, despite that she has still tried to maintain contact every week so far in what seem to be little mindgames. The last 2 have been a little more direct because she is after more money above what was agreed in the separation agreement. I would rather try and do this amicably and I have a 13yo daughter from a previous healthy relationship where everybody is amicable and there is regular contact. I just know that this one will be a lot harder to navigate to that point.

I have kept every e-mail she has ever sent, all 20,000 of them. She has major abandonment issues so when I was working away for a few months my e-mail was constant for 22 hours a day and there was hell to pay if I didn't respond to any of her questions within a set timeframe 

Skype was my initial offer which she didn't take too kindly to. She said I was stupid for thinking a 2 year old could operate and use skype, yet when I was working away that was all we had for communication beside the e-mails. In fact, at the very beginning of the relationship before I moved out there, I would have to put skype on all night when I went to bed so she could watch me sleep and knew I was there with her. I told you, serious abandonment issues, glaring red flags and I walked right through them 

[Blazing Star]

That's great with all the things you are doing! Getting a book a year for each girl is a great idea, especially bc if it is digital you will always have a copy, so if something happens to them then in a few years when they will be really meaningful for them you can always get a replacement. There are some very easy programs where you can make a book with photos and with text (let me know if you would like more info on this).

I also thought of another couple of things you could do that my Dad did when he was away, he would make a little photo book, nothing fancy, just photos printed out small on paper and stapled together, of his daily life "This is me eating breakfast and thinking of you... . here I am on my way to work... . this is Jon who I buy my daily coffee from... . I see this dog on my walk and I remember how you love to pat dogs... . ".

You could post this, but also take a photo of each page (in case it weren't to reach your girls, for your records).

You could also buy a special book for each of them that you write letters in, once a week, once a month, just honest loving letters, and this is a book you give them on their 18th/21st birthday, so they know that in the times that you weren't with them that you were thinking of them (I do this for my daughters, even though I am living with them). Perhaps focus on yourself and them, and don't mention the stuff with their mother, just that you are finding it hard and you imagine it might be confusing for them.

What a shame about Skype? Surely, your SD7 would love to skype? We live in different countries from both the grandparents and have used skype for a long time, now D4 sits for 15mins while her Grandmother reads her picture books over skype.

Would it be worth trying a SET approach over the skype? Want to try one? S=support, E=empathy, T=truth.

Also it might be good to post over on Legal for some more ideas about this, especially as there are money issues coming up. People there will give good direction on the move from NC to LC re the children too.

Love Blazing Star

[mamachelle]

Hi Murbay,

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I would try email first to go en route to LC. Yes, LC is needed if you want any relationship with your children.

Money may be an "in" here but with her setting the rules it makes the playing field un-level to say the least.

You can set up a formal child support agreement with visitation/skype worked in as stipulation perhaps. Please post on Legal about this ASAP.

A 2 year old can handle skype with an adult or even a 7 yo along. Eesh.

Again, so sorry about all this 

mamachelle

[Murbay]

Thank you again Blazing Star and mamachelle,

We already do have something formal for child support in place and the terms of how she gets the money was dictated by her too. She expressed that she wished it to be done via western union, probably because it meant that once a month I have to be in contact to give her the code and therefore open up for engagement. I have also taken on more financially than I'm actually required, but at the end of the day, they are my children and I put them first.

This was the case at the start of the month as all I sent was the code, no pleasantries, no asking questions and no engagement. However, it led to several questions from her for things she already knew the answers to. It was exactly how I sent money to her when I was working abroad so I knew she had all the answers anyway and didn't engage 

Subesquent e-mails from her have been for costs for other things so money is a way in and it is a big concern of my T, knowing her as well as he does and how her mind works, he believes her sole purpose right now would be to try and destroy me financially as a way to get back at me for her perceived abandonment. However, I do see this as a way in, it's just finding that balance so I can have contact with the children but not to the point it destroys me. That's why he suggested NC and was certain that in 6 months she would be in contact, the only issue I have with that is that it's ok to play that game between 2 adults but I have never nor will I ever use my children as pawns in any game but I'm also aware that I'm up against someone who would.

Skype isn't the issue either, it's an excuse because there was no problem with communicating that way before, only now it is because she is angry.

I fly back to my own country tonight as I have been staying with my sister for the past 6 weeks while I got sorted out with a house etc... . So when I get back, I'm going to see a lawyer and see what can be done as well as bring up the issues on the legal board.

Blazing Star, thank you for your advice and those are some things I think I am going to do in terms of publishing. I may very well contact you at some point for more information on publishing 

Today I actually felt much better, well I did after my rant  Every day gets much easier and I see more for what it is, it's just days like yesterday where it was my first fathers day away from my children that it really hit me.

Thank you again for all the support and I will chase up the financials on the legals board when I get home tomorrow.

[Murbay]

Just a quick update. I haven't broken NC yet as I thought it might be better doing it on the scheduled email at the end of the month for support payments.

I have mentioned on previous posts that she has tried to engage every week so far and without fail, I received an email this morning. She went from being neutral, to being abrupt and nasty last week to "kindly" wanting a response today.

I need to think through how best to word a response to open a door while still maintaining some sense of boundary. So again, thank you guys for your responses, they really made a difference the other day

[mamachelle]

Murbay,

Please have faith in your gut instincts for your children no matter what your T says.

I think you can handle LC no problem as long as you have it on your terms. LC and financial ruin do not go together.

You want to establish regular skype and visitation with children. She needs the money/ support. Speak with your attorney.

My H and I both have exBPD spouses that we co-parent with and money plays a big part in the dynamics since neither are independently wealthy.

His exBPDW basically gave up being the residential parent in the divorce for $3000 lump sum payment and $900 month alimony for 18 months.

My abusive exBPDH stays away from our DD13 and 16 now in part due to the fact that he owes me like $20k in child support and he is scared I will go after him for it through his license or passport rather than just the passive state system we have in place now that just looks for his social and seizes tax money if he files or goes to his employer if he works on a w2.

I think you do have a nice carrot to bargain with so please do talk to someone about what you can do legally.


mamachelle