Questioning whether he will improve enough for me to stay

[byasliver]

It's been quite a journey since I first came to bpdfamily.com and even longer since the journey through mental illness started with my H. The biggest improvements came from the lessons I learned here and in therapy. The rages are rare now and even when they happen they are minimal - AND I don't take them personally at all. You know, typing that out and thinking about it, it seems like the only improvements have been made by ME. I learned how to detach and how to avoid triggering my H and/or enforcing boundaries when he was triggered. I am now living my life happily doing the things that please me and matter most and no longer walking on eggshells constantly worrying about how/why/if he will react.

But what about him? He's still isolating himself 95% of the time in his room playing an online video game, only half heartedly seeking a job and does NOTHING around the house. Now that the rages are under control, I could do this long term but not indefinitely - I need to know there WILL be improvement in him. I talked to my stepmom and sister last night and they were even saying that he is a completely different person from the man I met and married: mannerisms, tone of voice, personality traits - all totally different. He rarely, if ever, expresses interest in me or my daughters or anything we have going on in our lives, he rarely ever says/does even the smallest of nice things, if he does try to spend time with me he acts like it's a chore and then only talks about superficial topics. It's like someone put a complete stranger in my H's body - one who really doesn't like me or my daughters too much but feels compelled to stay living in the same house for some unknown reason. I still very much love the man I married but I don't know who this person is and I know I don't want to spend the rest of my life with them - what's the point? I mean, I am getting zero out of this emotionally. If I knew he would improve, then I'd stay - no question. But I'm starting to question whether he will or not.

Btw, as a side note, I (and my T and his T) aren't convinced he has BPD like we first thought. We feel like he most likely has C-PTSD but the symptoms he shows are common to either diagnosis - it's just the origin of his issues that would determine which it is. I first started out in forums for spouses who's H's have PTSD but there was little encouragement and support there - mostly just a lot of "he's a jerk - leave him" or "you knew what you were getting into when you married a soldier - quit your whining and deal with it."

[bruceli]

It's been quite a journey since I first came to bpdfamily.com and even longer since the journey through mental illness started with my H. The biggest improvements came from the lessons I learned here and in therapy. The rages are rare now and even when they happen they are minimal - AND I don't take them personally at all. You know, typing that out and thinking about it, it seems like the only improvements have been made by ME. I learned how to detach and how to avoid triggering my H and/or enforcing boundaries when he was triggered. I am now living my life happily doing the things that please me and matter most and no longer walking on eggshells constantly worrying about how/why/if he will react.

But what about him? He's still isolating himself 95% of the time in his room playing an online video game, only half heartedly seeking a job and does NOTHING around the house. Now that the rages are under control, I could do this long term but not indefinitely - I need to know there WILL be improvement in him. I talked to my stepmom and sister last night and they were even saying that he is a completely different person from the man I met and married: mannerisms, tone of voice, personality traits - all totally different. He rarely, if ever, expresses interest in me or my daughters or anything we have going on in our lives, he rarely ever says/does even the smallest of nice things, if he does try to spend time with me he acts like it's a chore and then only talks about superficial topics. It's like someone put a complete stranger in my H's body - one who really doesn't like me or my daughters too much but feels compelled to stay living in the same house for some unknown reason. I still very much love the man I married but I don't know who this person is and I know I don't want to spend the rest of my life with them - what's the point? I mean, I am getting zero out of this emotionally. If I knew he would improve, then I'd stay - no question. But I'm starting to question whether he will or not.

Btw, as a side note, I (and my T and his T) aren't convinced he has BPD like we first thought. We feel like he most likely has C-PTSD but the symptoms he shows are common to either diagnosis - it's just the origin of his issues that would determine which it is. I first started out in forums for spouses who's H's have PTSD but there was little encouragement and support there - mostly just a lot of "he's a jerk - leave him" or "you knew what you were getting into when you married a soldier - quit your whining and deal with it."

Sounds like my dBPD/NPDw... . we need to compare notes as time goes by.  So he's not the clingy type many on here talk about huh?

[byasliver]

bruceli, he once was and still goes into a rage if I even hint at him needing to leave (we live in a house with my three daughters and a shared son - makes the most sense for him to leave). There was a time when even deployed he would call me EVERYday. There were so many conversations about how much trouble he had sleeping or even eating without me with him. Now, seems the opposite. It's almost hard to read some of the posts where people talk about the love they receive even when their partner still rages at times. I don't get that and it has me questioning why I'm still here. This wasn't a short period of idealization following by a gradual painting black. For years, his love for me was constant and very evident. It seemed almost suddenly to disappear.

[byasliver]

I've done some reading and reflecting tonight and I think I've come to the point of grieving the r/s as it was. Not saying I'm leaving but that I am finally fully accepting the man I married is gone - for good. Wow, that's even hard to type. From here, where do I go? I don't know, yet. I know I still love him... . I mean, I really do love him more than I've ever loved anyone other than my own kids. But does that mean I'm willing to sacrifice personal peace and freedom to spend the rest of my life being his caretaker while he does or does not recover from this? I don't know. Maybe I need to let myself grieve before I even begin thinking about that.

[bruceli]

So sorry and hard to hear... . DW at no time has been at the clingy stage as long as I have known her... . I fullfil certain needs in her life that no one else can... . first and formost taking care of her special needs son... . Even her family won't go there... .

[Murbay]

byasliver,

I can relate to some of the things you posted in your original post and understand how your T got to the conclusion of C-PTSD. I'm ex military, served in a combat role and had very similar experiences when I was diagnosed with PTSD. It took my exgf walking away from the relationship with my first daughter 12 years ago for me to see the damage I caused and to seek out help. The good news is that there is a way through it if he is committed to the therapy and wants to work hard at it.

I have an excellent relationship with my exgf and we have spoken in great detail about what it was like from her viewpoint and because I came through the other side. I can understand how difficult and frustrating it is for you and what you are dealing with on a daily basis. My heart breaks for you because it is not an easy situation to be in and questioning whether things will get better. All I can say is that he can improve but you have a very valid point of whether or not he will. The most important thing in all of this is your own health and the steps you are taking to improve that.

What happens in combat is something I wouldn't ever wish on anyone else. It's running on adrenaline for 24/7 for 6 months to a year in pure survival mode. In that sense, I can see how it would relate to BPD because many of their actions are based on survival mode too. To suddenly come out of that situation and back into the real world is a major adjustment which some are able to do quite easily and others aren't.

From my own reflection, I threw myself in the victim role and my annoyances towards my exgf were over the silliest of things. How could she be so happy when there is a little corner of the world living in hell? Frustrated at her trying to get me to live in the real world when she has no idea of where I have just come from and so on. Like I say, I know now just how stupid those things sound and none of that was ever her fault, but it was perception, it was looking at 2 realities and that's where it differs from BPD in some respects because to us, they were both realities, they are both based on actual facts but it was our reactions to them that were wrong. There were only a couple of times I ever raged, for the most part I withdrew and detached as though I was still back in the middle of a combat zone.

It took me losing everything I had, family, house, car, job before I got help. I knew the situation was wrong, my exgf had her own issues and I wasn't there to support her with those but had that expectation that she was there to take care of mine. It was perhaps the most selfish thinking I had ever done and after it was all over, I am forever grateful and thankful for what my ex did. It also helps me appreciate the difficulties pwBPD suffer with their illness too but it doesn't excuse anything. Don't ever sacrifice yourself because you are worth far more than that and you deserve that peace and freedom too.

The decision is down to him whether he wants to come out of it. It's a scary road to walk down because what we tend to do in compartmentalize the true horrors we witness and the therapy brings it all back out in the open. The difference being it's in a controlled environment so it's not overwhelming. My motivation was my relationship with my daughter and we are closer than ever as a result.