to contact or to not contact

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I need some advice my 9 year old daughter fell today and needed 7 stitches. My question is My wife who Ive had little to no contact with for the last 4 months and the kids with who she's had no contact with. Am I obliged to contact her to let her know? really need some feedback on this one.

[gravy75]

I need some advice my 9 year old daughter fell today and needed 7 stitches. My question is My wife who Ive had little to no contact with for the last 4 months and the kids with who she's had no contact with. Am I obliged to contact her to let her know? really need some feedback on this one.

[marbleloser]

Yes.Regardless of the situation,you need to contact her and let her know what happened.

A gesture of goodwill between parents for the childs sake.

You did good by taking her to get her stitches.Shows that you're on top of things.

[ForeverDad]

If there's no urgency, it might be okay to wait a while.  I know if that happened with my son and I contacted my ex from the ER or Urgent Care, she's so entitled that she'd insist she had to rush over and take over since she was The Mother.  My example:  My son had a fever a couple weeks ago, temp was up and down a bit, highest I ever saw was 102.9. She was all hyper-vigilant about it, said it was heading to 104 F, talked of taking him to ER for fluid IVs, etc.  After all, she said she had medical training to recognize issues.  I thought the pediatrician's office would calm her down but they relented and said she could take him to Urgent Care (they won't see him without my OK - I have custody and there have been past issues).  When U.C. took his temperature, it was 101.5 F.

While I don't expect your spouse to be as entitled as mine, if you don't have sole custody then you should share that information in a reasonably timely manner.  I'm just thinking that if it's been months of virtually no contact with you or your child then you could wait just enough time so the 'emergency' is over and you can refer to it as a past event and "no big deal, things like this happen with kids".

From the sounds of it, her mother has 'moved on'.  That's just the way it is.  Do the right thing, but try not to stir up a hornet's nest, so to speak.

[gravy75]

i ended up sending her an email as i know that she rarely if ever looks at it. The way i see it as its not my responsibility to make sure she has contact with the kids or to know what is going on in there lives.

[ForeverDad]

You handled it well.

Every once in a while we get new members who are anxious about getting the other parent to care more about the kids.  Despite their sense of fairness and wishfulness, they can't force the other to get more involved or do whatever.  As they learn more about these PDs, they realize that they have little control or influence over the other parent.  They let go the dreams and hopes and accept what 'IS'.

Meanwhile, take care of your child.  Gift her stability, validation, peace, joy and love.

[gravy75]

I think Ive given up trying to get her to care about us!

I cant help but wonder why or how she can walk away

my conscious would get the better of me. I keep thinking

whats so great the you would completely vanish from your family lives! 

[ForeverDad]

It's mental illness.  No, she's not talking to herself, seeing aliens or some other obvious reason for treatment or to be institutionalized.  It's more subtle and insidious than that.  Still, it's not the 'normal' most would consider to be reasonably normal.  Trying to 'understand' it won't work because there's no way it makes common sense.  It can be described in textbooks, behaviors listed, even predicted, but it sill won't make sense because something in her head is out-of-balance with normal social interactions.  So just deal with it as it is.  Sad, but that's just the way it is.

[gravy75]

So just a bit of an update. I called my sister in law today as its been a week since my daughters stitches and they are due to come out in 7 to 10 ten days. My sister in law is a R/N and the only one in my wife's family that is not only sane enough but probably one of the nicest most down to earth person you'd ever meet. At first I only asked her if she would look at and if ready remove my daughters stitches. But as I later told her curiosity got the better of me I asked what was going on with my wife were was she and so on. I was shocked to learn that she and her mother have both been painted black by her as well for setting boundaries with her. As i was listening to this on my way to see my therapist I realized all this time I never got angry at my wife I staid strong and tried to be a rock for my kids but I was just depressed, and feeling sad for her and us and my kids. I'm not sad anymore I'm pissed off F her man What the heck? I was clued in to a lot of what my wife had been up to over the last year anyway. I was so pissed when i got home i text-ed her basically to tell her that I that I now know everything and what a horrible person I think she is. Its funny I feel so much better like a weight has been lifted I'm ready to move on I have all I need in my kids and we never needed her before and dont need her now. 

[ForeverDad]

Um, generally it's best not to poke the wild animal... .

I think at least part of what you've described is finding closure.  However, closure isn't found with the person who's not thinking straight.  As you wrote, even without hearing a response, you feel better.  So that closure was found within you, she didn't give it to you.

When dealing with people who don't think as a normal person does, it's usually best to make contact cautiously and keep it as businesslike as possible.  We can let go our frustrations and anger and be fine the next day.  Not so with many disordered people.  They often have a hard time letting go of past hurts.  There could be retaliation of some sort down the road.

Your ex sounds very different from mine and many of the others described here, but I know that if I ever vented to my ex, even in righteous indignation, she would twist it into something to use against me.  As I said, yours has mostly exited your life, many here can only dream of enjoying that... .  What we're stuck with is venting here and to trusted friends, family, therapists, etc.

What's done is done, probably there are no untoward consequences or fallout, but before making contact of a sort that might have an impact on your ex - and by extension your parenting - please seek input with peer support or with your therapist or counselor.

[livednlearned]

I did something similar.

N/BPDx bullied me about a year after we separated, and I wrote a (immensely satisfying)  email saying what I should have said many, many years ago. I felt a thrill -- it was like my backbone was growing and I felt so strong.

My L wasn't happy. She said: short, professional emails from now on.

Otherwise, those emails surface and the judge sees you as one of two problem parents, instead of one sane, one not so much.

What helps me is seeing my ex as a 6 year old boy in a grown up nasty man's body. If you yell at a 6 year old, it makes you the jerk, no matter how badly the kid is acting.

[gravy75]

I have to say i feel vindicated right now in sending the text. My sister in law just left my house. We had a very long discussion about her sister and what she had been telling them about me. I feel a sense of righteous indignation f her f her feelings its about my feelings now and I'm not afraid of whatever she may try to throw at me Ive spent the last 10 years in hell. Nothing she could possibly do to me can be worse then what Ive been through