Update: staying out of jail requires something different

[qcarolr]

DD wants to stay out of jail. Doing probation is overwhelming. She has asked for help getting away from her toxic friends (my label). She slept home - still sleeping - and agreed to meet with crisis assessment team today at mental health where she is a client.

Dh very concerned about her being here one night will lead to loss of all our boundaries and gains in past few weeks with gd, neighbors, selves. Does not want to put any of stuff packed into my trunk at our house. Ok for today as do not need to go shopping - do not need my trunk. Asking him to focus on one step at a time.

My greatest fears similar to dh's. Also that my expectations for a good outcome at mental health today will short-circuit success. Need to practice mindfulness - living in the moment - my focus on offering opportunity. Want to be able to share my diagram of DD's areas of need, that family must be involved in mental health solutions if she is to be part of family, and they must know what has been court ordered - CBT and other therapies as needed. Hopeful I can share my perspective then leave the room. My fears limit sharing this with DD directly -- need 3rd party mediation.

GD comment when saw her mom through the window when brought her home from camp yesterday: "What is SHE doing here? I am going to play with my friends".  She came in later and has been distant from her mom -- she is protecting herself. DD is keeping her promise to 'not say anything if I can come home to rest'.

My thought for today, same one as yesterday before I picked up DD and her stuff - she and bf kicked out of apt.

"It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy... . "  Colossions 1:11 (MSG)

qcr  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

qcaroir

I see this as a step forward... . she is looking for help and support... . you are creating opportunities for her. That is not always an easy road to travel. Take one day at a time... . try to keep calm. Getting her away from bad influences is a good step too. Keep strong and take care of yourself.

[qcarolr]

Thanks for the encouragement jellibeans.   

DD refuses to go to crisis appt today - says she needs to rest a day or two before she can answer questions without being hysterical. She has not really slept in weeks - prodded continuously when homeless at night. Cops do harrass homeless at night - illegal to sleep in parks. She said "I know what I need if only others would listen". So dh and I decided to give her til Friday afternoon - we are both busy tomorrow. Gd is in afternoon camp all week. This will give her the couple days she wants for sorting her stuff as well. She stated she does not want to live here, needs a respite.

If things go bad, she can leave sooner. Need to mostly just not talk about anything - eggshell days!

Crisis worker sounded disappointed that we did not stick to our original deadline to see them. Maybe there are times things can be negotiated more effectively than demanded.

qcr  

[Rusalka]

Please just be careful that pushing the deadline back isn't her way of getting you back into her emotional snares. I have seen people push back crisis appointments and then a couple days later refuse to go because "oh I'm feeling better now" it is a crisis right now and that is when she needs the most help. She also may be trying to find a way to stay, like asking for a couple things at a time from your trunk. Please don't forget that just recently she was phsyically attacking you. You don't want that to happen in a place GD sees as safe (your home)

[qcarolr]

Rusalka - yes, all that is in our minds. dh is more up front with me about it. The crisis worker is in same mind as you. There is no way to force DD to get in car and go on appt. If she does not go on Friday, then she has to leave, even if the police have to escort her off property. Scheduled appt. when gd is at day camp. Would have done tomorrow, but did not want to miss my appt with my T.

qcr  

[Rusalka]

I am so glad you are self aware and doing so well. After reading about the attack I am so worried for you, dd and gd. It sounds like a rational reason on her part, I'm so glad you are keeping your boundaries.

Stay safe and be well my dear.

[pessim-optimist]

hi qcr,

have been off for a while and still will be (computer troubles and other stuff); only now got caught up on your story.

       

Sending you love and prayers.

Stay strong. You ARE a mom to your dd (I just read the Primal Wound book - wonderful read makes so much sense about all the hurts the adoptee AND the adoptive parents are going through). You have gone above and beyond. She just is too ill and hurt to be able to process everything. Be careful, look to your dh for wisdom on your boundaries.

Was a bit worried to read about the quick succession of the assault, you saying you were done for a while and then the next day escalation and THEN your dd suddenly back home. Totally understand your motives, you are loving don't want to abandon her in her need... . Just be careful... .

Gotta run, will check back in.

[qcarolr]

I know there are so many here sending me strength. Thank you.  

DD said she will go to mental health crisis team today for assessment. They will discuss options for care with her. She gets to choose or not. If she wants our continued support - body, mind, emotion - she has to accept treatment. Dh is very clear with me that he will drop her off somewhere with her backpack if she does not follow through with this... .

Yes there are risks. I have to stay vigilant with care for gd. And for me. I am seeing my T this morning, then have afternoon open while gd at day camp building 'junkyard robots' to be there for DD. Dh is off work today. Need to do this with DD while he is home to support whatever needs to happen.

I have been spending lots of quiety moments yesterday thinking of what my part is in this escalastion. There are multiple sides to every event, and they are interwoven in impacts and reactions. Watching the Furzzetti video about validation yesterday really gave me some good lessons and language to see where I have been invalidating - sometimes in OK ways, ie. I am only human; a healthy person would take it-adjust-move on in 'normal' way; sometimes I could have done better if I were not so afraid - of myself and my reactivity-of my fear of physical harm from DD.

I am praying the crisis team will allow me to share my perspective with DD, then I will stay in the waiting room.

First I wrote out my part in this escalations over the past few weeks.

1. DD asks me for help.

2. I over-react (react instead of respond) to her distressed and angry actions.

3. I feel afraid

     -of my own distressed and angry feelings and thinking

     -of the intensity of her actions and history of threats against me

4. I shut down; sometimes just get quiet and look away, sometimes shift into a mild dissociative state for self-protection

5. Working to stay present and engaged

     -at times can say this to DD with unpredictable response from her

     -when being threatened (emotional or physical) I cannot do this in her presence.

6. My perception of the threats, if with others present, is often validated. DD does not accept this validation and feels justified in her actions.

This is my perspective only - DD will have to provide her perceptions and reactions. I hope they allow me to share this. I will also suggest that family involvement in some way with DD is essential to her success. We have to feel safe to be involved. I will be sharing this with my T this morning.

So much more grounded today. Continue to pray for strength and courage - I cannot do this on my own.

qcr  

[qcarolr]

Wish I knew how to do a flow chart that I could post here. I will make an outline. This I also hope to give to the crisis team, though may not speak it today.

FAMILY PERSPECTIVE

NEEDS AND SUPPORTS

At the center is DD'S LIFE

     -Need personal skills to manage her high distress

     -Direct support from mental health professionals, if she can choose to accept it.

Family Needs

     -Need acceptance of grandparents custody and care for gd as permanent

     -Self control when around family

     -Limited financial resources available

     -Seperate housing required by professionals in gd's life

Living Needs

     -Housing support

     -Food support (she has good stamps, help accessing food share locations)

     -Job skills; GED, Assessment, acceptance of job counseling program available at mental health center

     -Independent living skills

     -DD accepts the help offered, the programs are there for her.

Friends

     -Needs new peer group; current homeless peers do not supprt her success in probation or getting mental health treatment. DD has made this statement to me.

     -Support in successful UA's - ie. no pot use

     -Acceptance from peers for her NLD issues and mental health issues -- support her getting treatment

     -Fun and excitment that respects her needs for wellness

Probation - staying out of jail

     -Court wants her to do probation, there needs to be finanacial support from court or community to do these programs

     -Court ordered:

          *24-48 months with Interventions for supervision  -- $50/month

          *CBT and other mental health treatments recommended by MHP - medicaid

          *Level 2 alcohol classes and treatment - medicaid

          *UA (EtG twice weekly) - $80/month

          *Community service 48 hours through Community Justice Center - est. cost $150 - 250

     -DA wants to offer 20 days of daily check in at jail with reinstate above probation

          *Costs associated with check-in for supervision and transportation - unkown


This is a lot for DD to have on her shoulders all at once. She has to have the safety, living needs met first, then she can have ability to choose therapy and find new friends, then she can persevere with probation. This is basic pyramid of needs. How to communicate the step-by-step process to court.

Family can provide support if she is able to manage her distress to be around us. She needs additional financial support from community programs with the living needs and probation.

And then DD tries to dump this onto me -- we both are breaking apart under the strain. God have mercy.

qcr  

[qcarolr]

A lot has happened since I wrote yesterday. I have never experienced this depth of dispair with DD. She has probably been here before just kept it to herself hidden. She can be so stoic - showing zero emotion in very painful situations (away from home). This has kept her from so many opportunities. I think maybe she is ready to do something different. Hope it last until she can get connected with new program discussed today.

Yesterday she met first with crisis counselor, then he actually talked to me seperately. DD was arguing with me in waiting room - about whether I could come in with her. I think this positive reaction - so validating for me - is due to DD signing a release for me at the mental health center a few weeks ago when I needed to get info for her SSI appeal. It has been an answer to many prayers.

I think she was very vulnerable with this counselor - she even shared that he 'was OK, seemed to care'. I did not share the info below with DD, only with the T. He set it aside, but kept it. Said we need to focus on one thing at a time and for now it is finding relief for the intense depression. He had talked with her about the cutting episode and the distress that came from. Dd has since shared some of the triggers with me - my not getting her at 1am Tuesday morning, and  a pot deal gone wrong with the money. DD claims she did as asked, but spent too much even with receipt. I do not want to get involved in this at all - this was what triggered the episode with gd of taking the dog and my buying her computer -- she wanted me to drive her to the medical mj dispensary for someone else.

Getting off track. So the T made an appt with the meds person for today. At this mental health center the pdoc is in a consulting position only, the contact is with an NP or PA. DD did not want to go today, but did get up and into car on time. I was quiet on journey there (1/2 hour drive). She was very depressed today, emotional, tearful - actually a good thing for the staff to see for a change. She invited me to come into meeting with her. And I was able to not interrupt or add comments unless asked by PA or DD. She was very direct with DD that depression can be helped -- Dd was very vulnerable and open with her about her hopelessness, etc. I validated what DD was sharing from my perspective. Talking about meds I was able to comment on effects of several tried as a child - starting at age 4. DD shared about ones she tried while homeless (that I did not know about). The PA ended up rx for one that DD had a bad reaction to while homeless plus a new one to help her sleep.

The PA will be contacting the case manager/coordiantor MOnday to try and get DD into a different team. One that has a focus on living skills, job skills, plus the mental health support. I had not heard of this team before. It is hard to get into. She also talked about DD getting to appts on her own instead of relying on my driving her. Things felt a little more hopeful on the way home. DD took one of her topomax on the way home. I then went to work for a couple hours, then picked up gd from my SIL on way home. Gd was very unhappy to spend the day there. Some jealousy about my time with DD.  When we got home DD was very very agitated, anxious, loud, angry... . I was starting to shut down and think of how to get her out of the house. Gd went staight outside to play. I just sat there listening to DD. She was also getting texts from previous friend that leased the apartment - accusing DD and her bf of stealing jewelry etc when they left. What a mess. Somehow connected to bad pot deal - they also stole DD's stuff before she was kicked out because she 'owed them'. WHAT A MESS!

Suggested DD take one of the clonodine for sleep to see if this calmed her. Called the crisis line about this and they told us what dose she could safely take - it was a good idea. Need a new appt next week! Trying to convince DD that mental health visits is her job for right now - not going over too well. This med worked well within about 45 min. Then dh home - able to be upbeat, tone of playfulness, suggested family walk after dinner. And I was amazed at the change. And maybe some of it was her 'confession' about all that had happened at the apartment earlier this week. She also remembered that many of her friends were going to the Rainbow Gathering in MOntana for 2 weeks - why no one was calling her back today. So she has a couple weeks to chill out actually. She has to talk to family or T about her distress and not these toxic friends (IMHO that she does not share).

DD also asked about gd's angry, sad attitude. I said that DD had hurt her the past two weeks a lot. And there was maybe some jealousy with the time I was spending away from gd with DD. Suggested DD go give some attention to gd. And this worked great. Dd told her that it was mommy' fault, not hers. And gd came inside with smile, helped set table, chose to sit by her mom, ate her dinner, participated in the conversation. I am in awe!

Then ran the dogs in the open space - everyone except me came home with red eyes from the grass pollen and DD brushed lots of grass spikes out of their fur. Then she took another pill (ok'd by mental health) and went to bed. Will be cautiously hopeful for tomorrow. Dh at work all day, gd has horse class in morning. Need to watch DD taking too many of the sleeping pills to feel better - can lower blood pressure.

My mantra this week has been: "It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy"  Collossions 1:11 (MSG)  And seeing my T yesterday, and my T being available to talk to me EVERY DAY THIS WEEK. Have never had a T like this before.

Think of this as a miracle day - thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. Tomorrow will be another - plan to keep my validation/boundary tool bag handy.

qcr  

[Rusalka]

 

Thats really all I can say. You are doing great!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Rusalka - thanks for the   .

Thought today - first time I got so much support for my boundaries from every single professional contact this week. Often in presence of DD. About DD choice to manage her anger in our home or be homeless. Seeing the flow of good things that comes from my efforts over past several months to build a support network for myself. I have never done this before - always worked in an isolated way before.

So much has come from bpdfamily.com resources and friends. Hope I don't come back later today upside down again.

qcr  

[pessim-optimist]

 

good to hear all the good news!     

[qcarolr]

Good day. DD starting to sort through stuff she brought home. Got one garbled message from bfM - he is hitchhiking to Montana for Rainbow Gathering and will be back in a few weeks. She was up most of the day.

Next potential trigger is the sitter that comes for gd on Tues while I go to work. DD says this is weird - she should be able to do this. I am not saying 'you are usually not reliable'.  So have said she needs to meet sitter, this is a good person for gd to have in her life, and maybe somtimes we can all go out to a movie with a sitter here. Not much response, but no arguments.

DD is being very self-controlled. Her new med, clonodine, seems to be helping a lot with this. It decreases the adrenal system, is not addictive, can be taken as needed. Was prescribed for sleep - has not been good for this yet. But maybe DD staying up all day will help sleep at night. I will help her call next week for follow up appt. since the other med had bad reaction (as DD told the PA it would).

DD showed me a beginner pilates dvd she has - and I got a restorative yoga dbd (still in the package - my homework from T). So I offered to do this every morning gd is in summer school. 5 weeks starting tomorrow. we can both use this - i have disk problems so have to move into this slowly. Have to follow through on the promise.

Cautiously hopeful for a respite. Maybe only til bfM gets back. Hope to have dd involved with new therapy team by then, with more supportive peers. Reminder: take it one day at a time. the future is never what i expect it to be.

qcr  

[jellibeans]

qcaroir

you constantly amaze me with your strength... . you never give up and always strive to do what you can for your dd and gd. Good luck with the yoga. I have heard this can really change your life in so many ways.  

[qcarolr]

update: bfM filed harassment charges against DD for their fight a week ago. On Sunday he texted her that he had done this and she had a warrant out for her arrest. DD called and talked to officer -- he was one that had 911 contact with her last Tuesday -- a disaster day. He advised her there was no warrant and she needed to come in to talk with him within 2 days. So Monday morning we went - no talking he just arrested her. Since with bf/gf relationship domestic violence charge added that required booking in to jail. There were lots of people so she did not get booked until after noon - had to stay the night and see judge at jail this afternoon.

Jail very crowded. DD in cell with 3 women - one sleeping on floor. She said something to nurse during intake -- they called (very very unusual) at 9 pm asking us to bring her trazedone, which dh did. Turns out they put her on suicide watch - in lock down with not shoes, socks, undergarments, cup, spoon... . Also had to wear bright ornage paper jumpsuit to court in afternoon - total stigma that she was on suicide watch. And she was left sitting on the floor with ants in the cell. And her period started... . Was very bad experience.

The judge was giving everyone really low bonds, that was not a danger to society anyway, to clear out jail. We expected it to be $500 -- it was 10% for cash bond. So we paid the $50 and brought her home.

Yesterday we were ready to leave her there. Realized this was not going to create anything positive for DD to accept treatment. Think the experience may motivate her to accept probation with more enthusiasm though. She does not want to do back there on the DWAI probation revokation.

This is an additional violation. The judge attached both cases together and set up the court date to July 9th. Will fit into our schedule so much better as gd8 has a sitter on Tuesdays.

DD is trying really really hard to be part of our family. She has a lot of letting go to do around the harm that bfM seems to have inflicted on her. Seems he may be the one that stole stuff from the apartment they were kicked out of. He stole the money that I gave her for her computer. He told the police that this was his, not hers. That is what the fight was about on the surface. Underneath was the BPD abandonment with his leaving her - found this out from a guy off the street in  the intake room.

Such a messy life. Focus on one day at a time. Need to put my energy into catching up on my work for job, and getting ready for gd's bday on Thursday (turning 8).  Have cancelled the sleep-over, will just take 2 friends out to eat and then home for cake and games.

Never know ahead of time what good will work out of a bad situation. Keep praying DD continues to work for probation -- it will be in a dual recovery program if the judge will order this as a sanction for her violations. This is what the lawyer is going to ask for. Partnership of probation dept. and the mental health center. Keep on praying for DD to accept her need for recovery.

qcr  

[six]

qcr

glad to hear that the bond was low and that you posted it for her

cant imagine how awful it would have been for both of you if you had decided otherwise

hoping and praying that your DD can move forward in a positive way and use this horrible experience to spur her on to growth

I am sure she knows somewhere deep inside that you are taking care of her as best as you can

good luck with the gd bday party

what a blessing for you to have her

my dd8 tries to make sense out of the whole mess at home

on sunday I bought her a new bike and she told me, "see mommy, you're not abusive at all!"

[Thursday]

Hi q-

What a mess... . and your love for your daughter shines through. I think this situation is a fine example of needing to do what we need to do when we need to do it.

I sure hope your daughter will keep your heart in her heart. Since you've done such an admirable job of keeping hers in yours.

Example after example and then some, hoping the door stays open. Because open is so much better than shut.

Thursday

[Rapt Reader]

Oh, qcarolr... . This has been so crazy for you and your family     That BF sure sounds like a scoundrel! No wonder your D has so many problems with him 

I'm really happy about the Dual Diagnosis Program (if that is what they are trying for) maybe being a possibility; it's the only Rehab Program that worked for my own son. All my best to all of you   

And... . Happy Birthday!      to your granddaughter   

[vivekananda]

One day at a time. Yes.

Enjoy the birthday party 

Breathe, maintain balance, be cool 

Cheers,

Vivek    

[qcarolr]

One of those awesome, rare, 'normal' days here. DD really chatty about her r/s with several people from her homeless tribe. And how the others around on "Black Tuesday" were saying she was the crazy one - remember with G, remember with V, remember with... .   Cannot really tell how DD is processing all this from her comments. So will take today as a gift.

She is sorting through her stuff dumped last week in my garage. Doing laundry, actually sorting a stacking instead of piling atop dryer in laundry. I had made a comment about this yesterday - with an angry response from her. Yet here she is doing what I asked plus more.

She suggested tacos for dinner - then stepped back and asked how could she do this without stepping on my toes. She said I have my way of doing things and have gotten frustrated with her way before. So I said - you brown meat, I will chop onions and garlic. And she asked to the little bowl for unseasoned meat for gd (instead of demanding that gd eat the spicy stuff as in past). Dh was late, DD asked if she could go ahead and eat as she was really hungry (instead of just sitting down and eating by herself). I said I was OK and could wait - she and gd could go ahead.

Just one example of many little kindnesses today between us -- going both directions.

Gd is very excited about her birthday. Got two cards today - great grandma and great aunt - with money. She feels wealthy with this $25. She is plotting what to buy that she longs for and has not been able to do enough chores for in one week's worth of allowance. She is a delight today.

So I feel I may survive after all. Was not so sure a couple days ago. Felt like I was drowning - not able to know what to do. Came to rely on DH's judgements. So very grateful the hearing in jail came on his extra afternoon off. Just as last week his days off had been switched so he was around when DD was in meltdown then. All these schedule changes for him were set by his boss a few weeks ago because of stuff going on in his boss's life. Turned out to be such a gift to us.

So the reality: DD is still who she is, she is just in a better place today. She did get a mental health eval in jail before she could be released (very brief, but must have FELT GOOD from how DD talks about it) Seems there are actually sheriiff officers and staff that DO CARE. And all this care came about because DD was just too distressed to put on her act of being tough and unfeeling. All she could do was tell the truth and cry - "they pushed the tissues my way" at the intake.  And she asked me to call the crisis PA she had met with  last week about what meds. she was safe to take. She wants to continue to feel better. She will go in to meet with her on Friday to discuss her meds again.

It could all fall apart tomorrow from some unforseen threat -- to DD or to me. I am not feeling so stable myself. I am looking forward to seeing my T tomorrow morning. Right after DD checks in with her probation officer. Just before gd gets home from summer school. Then off to see gd's T in the afternoon. Pick up birthday cake - go to dinner - come back and eat cake --- 

Hope I get good sleep tonight. I will be living in my car tomorrow. At least my air conditioner started working again  - it is to be 100 again tomorrow.

Want to sincerely thank so many of you for being here for me the past week, for you responses, for your prayers, for your understanding and love. Could not do this alone. Thank God too. He is working in this.

qcr  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

... . Thank God too. He is working in this.

yes she is 

luya,

Vivek    

[qcarolr]

Remembering today - it comes to me as I sit quiet. DD seemed to listen - don't really remember if she asked me questions. I was sharing what the psych nurse told me on the phone, and what I had read about her meds. I asked her what each one felt like - how it made her feel. And we talked about which of her dx each med was expected to help with. ADHD, anxiety/panic, bipolar or depression (bipolar meds have often had bad effects on DD immediately - like the topomax they gave her last week - agitation and anxiety.) Then I brought up the BPD dx. and how meds don't really help this directly. and how there are some treatments that can help this. including treatments that work directly on her brain to make the connections work better (NFT). That she CAN FEEL BETTER.

She wants to go to college. And she accepts that she needs to get her GED first. I reminded her that the test is available free - and asked what she remembers from high school. So maybe a prep class would be needed. She so wants to have money - to be more independent.

Also think she is not using pot or other stuff  - big difference. Did not bring this up.

She really wants to be successful in her probation. SHe sees the PO in morning. If she gets accepted in the dual treatment program (PACE) there will be a new PO, new T, new place. Have to remember this is only an opportunity - I cannot control the outcome.

She really misses her 'rock' friend, G. He so helps her keep more calm and focused. She called the DA victims advocate today about when he gets our of jail (probation violation, long story) to get the no contact order rescinded between them from a year ago. She was told this would be a good thing for him at his hearing on 7/8. So I will take her to fill out request and then to the hearing to speak directly to the judge. He has mediated many situations between dd and i in the past. he has been a part of our family before. He has issues to work on too. If he and dd can find a way to support each other with both their probations... . Again, this is out of my control.

She cannot be with the homeless group that M is with due to her no contact order with him. This is a good thing, though she will get lonely and bored. Another reason she misses G. We talked a lot about how they each come to this r/s from different perspectives with different expectations and needs. They both need to learn how to express their emotions in a regulated way as they are experiencing them, instead of boxing them up or numbing them out. Then what seems like a small things burst it all out in the open in a rage.  Again, this in not in my control.

Better stop all this thinking, get to bed. Thanks for listening.

qcr  

[lbjnltx]

Praying that your dd can see a clear path of healing layed before her and take the first step this day towards the life she envisions for herself. 


 

[qcarolr]

The title of this thread - requires something different. This is happening in many ways again today. Not just from DD -- it is with every person that is here to support her success, that she may have perceived to be against her in the past.

Staff at mental health center

Sheriff deputies in the jail

Mental health staff at the jail

Dh

GD

Me

Her response - ie. no response - to M texting her (she has no contact order with him - wish he would leave her alone. she hopes he is miserable with her silence - that part is kind of the same DD)

Probation officer today - waived the $120 she was owing on account, told her to use the money for mental health care, she needs to check in with him weekly until she gets connected in new probation program

Public defender - delayed hearing on both charges (new harrassment/dv and old DWAI probation violations) until 8/1 so she could be prepared.

Judge - DD's case has been moved to different judge. The previous one was very harsh, and has a history of siding with prosecution in alcohol related cases. New one is the judge she saw in jail that gave her the $50 bail.

So DD said today - this is like a new start for me. I see her being remade. New respons.

Irritable reply to me - oh mom, that is not you. It is me.

Pausing in replies to irritating things - mostly little things that used to trigger big reactions. Staying in realm of little things.

Connecting with gd. Supporting me with gd. Using playfulness and humor with gd to move her out of the stuff of being an 8 year old girl. Today is birthday -- GD is a bit revved up, impulsive. Having on two friends for little party tonight.

Gotta go.

qcr  

[mggt]

Please give your gd a big hug and kiss and say a little prayer she has you HAPPY 8TH   

[qcarolr]

Gd's party went well overall - first time EVER she let us sing happy birthday to her.

Got a good strategy from the mom's group I am in at church. From awesome mom of 3 year old. Request your child use a question, not a 'statement' (ie. demand) when has a need or want. This transforms their thinking into a much more respectful tone, words - quieter response easier from me. And now everyone in the household is asking gd for do-over, and we are using this with each some of the time.

DD can also do this when her emotional baseline is less aroused. She has been struggling today - taking lots of smoke breaks and time in her room. Missing ex that pursued harrassment/dv charges so there is a no contact order. This is a good thing except he keeps texting DD.

DD went back to mental health to get different meds. Was good meeting until the T walked her to open hours office for getting connected. She asked for DD to be in safety first group. The guy was working with 2 other ladies on their housing applications, gave DD listing of groups and activites -- never got around to the safety first group. Gave her housing form. DD has big handwriting so sturggle to fill the spaces. And the questions got really personal - losses in your life, family situation, etc.  My take is DD was a little triggered and asked me to write it for her. I just could not put it into her words as they are so far from my reality. Could not deal with her putting gd on there - like she was going to live with her mom. My greatest fear (even though assured by all professinal in our life this will not happen). So I got locked in on this fear, and DD suffered embarassment. Others left the office, the couselor sent to find DD's case manager, and DD came back from smoke break calling me a stupid ___ over and over. So I walked out into the waiting area -- everyone could hear her. Of course she is still blaming me about this - that my need to be Totally honest was not needed and made her look like bad.

Well, yes this was bad. Very very invalidating. I should have just put DD's words on form - it was a prelimnary application. I have apologized to dd. The good out of this  error on my part -- they will be calling this week for her intake into an intensive program she was accepted into the previous Friday -- put on wait list -- now moved off list and into program.  Praying for the crack in DD's tough exterior - her new vulnerablity - to stay open so she continues to be willing to do this program. She can feel better. The future does not have to look like today's distress. I had chance to tell her this tonight. Dyed her hair, shut off the computer that was frustrating her (trying to apply for job at Wal-Mart that she is not ready to pursue), did the 'hmmmm', 'that really feels bad', etc while she ranted at me about the housing application event. Dh came down and was going to increase the turmoil - I asked him to leave it. So he said to DD something like 'this mom does so much for you and you are treating her so badly. Then he went and consoled gd who was awaken by the loud voices in the kitchen. Then I rinsed the final conditioner out of her hair and combed it for a long time while DD quietly cried into her towel. Then made her a cup of tea that she took to her room. She stopped in doorway and said - "Thanks Mom" Brings tears of joy to me writing this. These tears - vulnerablity that I have not experienced so much with her before.

Guess it is a good thing I have been reading all the workshops from the start again on validation, communication (SET, etc) and boundaries/values. There is a thread with so many great links - I saved it in my favorites so I don't lose my place. And gd stayed home from church with DD today so I was able to go to the 12 step program at church. This is a good thing for me -- just don't make it when gd goes with me.

DD also has been in contact with gd's daddy in CA. Good for DD as she is so lonely - no call tonight though after 3 nights in a row. Says he is coming to our area in a couple weeks and she wants us to allow him to visit with gd. Gd will not even talke with him on the phone. He has not called her or written since last August. I left a message with gd's T about this, and best way to respond. Dh and I are conflicted. He says to DD that he has been clean and sober for 2 months, is living with what sounds like a sponsor. Dh and I have great fear of getting sucked into him being in our home and not leaving. I think we are stronger that 9 years ago when DD was first pregnant. We have more support systems in place as well. Just hate the loud conflicts that are inevitable with DD over this desire. Know that both still hold onto the "happy family fantasy".  Daddy is on probation in CA for violent assaulty, and has violated probation in our state for violent assault. And he is really good at tugging our heart connection.

Can we really have endure all this? Yes withfFaith - "It is the strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father that makes us strong enough... . " (Colossians 1:9-1 - MSG)

qcr  

[vivekananda]

boundaries qcr, stick to them 

best wishes,

Vivek      

ps you didn't know I could write so little eh?