Should I stay or go... that's been my question for a few months

[seh77]

I have been living with my GF for four years on the 24th of June.   Everything started out great.  We would go out and do things.  Then over the years it has slowly came to a screaching halt.  She has been diagnosed with BPD prior to meeting me.  Every Holiday we fight.  Half the time I have no clue why she is upset.  She was mad because I was spending time with my grandmother who was in her 80's and not doing so great.  I almost stopped seeing her at all because I didn't want to argue.  Now my dear Gran has since passed and I regret every moment I passed up to see her.  I know it was my fault now I CHOSE to stay home.  I am angry and hurt over this.  Till this day she says it wasn't her fault. I have backed her in everything she has ever wanted to do.  But I never get the support in return.

She says she wants to Co-parent with my 15 year old son.  He plays sports year round. I ask her to go with me to support him. Does she go... . NO.  He makes AB honor roll and has awards ceramonies... . does she go NO.  But she Is great with telling him how his ideas are stupid/silly.  Great with telling him NO.  She has a 5 year old that I make it to everything play, awards, graduation from Kindergarten.  She gets mad because I don't scold/punish him the way she thinks is appropriate.  She always goes to the extreme.  He is a great kid.  I am just at a loss... .

I am sitting at the crossroads trying to decide.  I love her she has a wonderful heart. But the ups and downs and LOONG lectures are waring me down.  Seems we go round and round and never get anywhere.  I am getting very irritable and depressed. 

Just feeling very lost

[Bulgakov]

Though I do not have kids I feel like I am in this same boat. I have lost touch with friends and I rarely see my family any more. I almost feel like I would get in trouble even if I didn't tell her about it (symptoms of psychological abuse, anyone?). Yet, I don't spend any time with her. Amazing. I'm giving myself a year to try to nail down an answer for myself. Maybe that will turn into another year, but at least it gives me a time frame. I don't know why I put up with it, but like you I've been in this relationship for years and now I find myself attached, probably not in a healthy way.

I feel, in certain ways, similar to you. I'm beaten down, depressed, I do everything for someone else and get no respect for it. Then I'm told I smother her, yet she won't let me have any time to myself. Then I'm horrible because I don't plan anything with her. We really just never win. They are constantly angry and they have to justify the anger. It will never be their problem though... . I'm slowly learning this.

[seh77]

UPDATE... . She started telling that she was just going to sign her child over today because that would be best.  That she wasn't going to work.  This all started while she was in her lecture mode.  I had purchased us HEART tickets for our Annevirsary because she loves them.  She was telling me that now she doesn't feel excited to go.  I tell her well that's just great.  My Birthday is also Monday.  I was like well there is another B-day that isn't going to be at least queit.  The last 2 I've had we have been fighting.  I am at such a loss.  I tried not reacting to what she had said last night. (was pretty proud of myself) I didn't raise my voice I told Her I see that she is upset and I am sorry.  That I am there and love her.  I just can't deal with this much more.  She says I am the one that needs all of the help.  She can't see that she manipulates me with the kids and pretty much everything else in our life.  That she is always mad about something that I haven't said right or something that wasn't done just right.  I am so depressed. 

[connect]

Hi,

Sorry you are struggling 

I noticed you said it was your birthday soon and your anniversary... .

You also said the last 2 birthdays have been ruined.

I wonder if there has been a pattern with her behaviour getting worse around events in the past? (beyond the 2 ruined birthdays you already described)

Mine has a pattern of seeking out discord before he has trips/events planned. Just a thought. Not much help but if you see a pattern it can help depersonalise things 

[seh77]

Every Holiday, Event something always happens.  My nephew was killed in a drunk driving accident last year, he was 18 months old.  She pitched a fit because I went to the hospital and didn't come straight home.  I was helping my sister by boxing up his belongings and my GF was mad because I wasn't home.  She was like well I bought you flowers but since you didn't come home I gave them to my Mom.  (which I was over at her Moms and they weren't there).  She always does things like that.  Oh Well since you didn't do/go/whatever she wants I have something/planned something and well it's not on anymore type deals.  It's getting really old.  I know there is a pattern.  But it's hard not to depersonalize it all.   

[atcrossroads]

Ironically, it was my stbexBPDh who always told me, "If you have to ask the question, you already know the answer."  In other words, your gut seems to be telling you the answer -- you already know the answer-- maybe you just need to listen.

I started on these boards last summer and progressed from the staying to undecided to leaving over the course of 8 months or so.  And then five months ago, I left.  I still frequent all the boards, but as I'm nearing divorce, I have found myself on the divorce board some too. 

If you are having these doubts now and things don't seem to be improving (in my case things our r/s was visibly deteriorating until the point where I was painted black), then maybe you need to make a plan in case you decide you need out.  Also, I found talking to a therapist to be extremely helpful; I credit him with helping me to realize how toxic the relationship was despite the good parts (what I always wanted to latch onto).  Is she at all open to therapy?

Best of luck.  It's not easy either way but it can be better than it is now.

[Not normal]

Birthdays and events are the worst... . I like normal days where expection are low... . although chances of screw up are high... .

Hope you get some insight from this website that will help you decide    hang in there, its not you... .

[Grey Kitty]

Sadly, it is pretty "normal" for a pwBPD to find some way to blow up over holidays. I think they have high expectations, then once one little thing fails to meet them, everything goes black.

As Not normal said... . this really has nothing to do with you, so try not to take it personally if you can manage that. 

[seh77]

So my birthday was ok the storm seemed to blow over as fast as it came up on me so to speak.  I feel bad because now I wait to see what it will be next.     Now it's like nothing happened at all.  It's funny when she gets mad at me... . she starts off with... . this is all my fault my fault I'm a bad GF.  Then after she's had time to think she comes back and states that NOPE it's not her fault ect.  It's always the same thing.  I can almost tell you what she is going to say everytime we have a disagreement.  Or when she gets Jealous of ANYONE that talks to me.  It's ok for us to friends with her friends.  But not mine because she will find a problem with them and doesn't want to hang out around them at all. 

I just feel like I am stuck.   I see all of her good qualities.  But I am beyond tired of fussing. Of worrying if I have said something that will set her off.  The eggshells are begining to crack and I'm afraid I am going to fall through.

[Grey Kitty]

But I am beyond tired of fussing. Of worrying if I have said something that will set her off.  The eggshells are begining to crack and I'm afraid I am going to fall through.

*Crunch* *Crunch* *Crunch*

I've found that I've been afraid of what she would do, so I tried walking on eggshells with that fear that I would fall through.

What I found was that there is a solid floor under the eggshells, and I could stand on it just fine 

I'll bet you have experienced whatever you are afraid she will do if you don't try to read her mind and do it her way. And you have survived.

So no need to jump up and down and make a mess throwing eggy bits everyplace... . but just walk with your head upright and a little spring in your step. She can't stop you from doing that, and if the eggshells go crunch, she'll adjust!

You can love her and appreciate her without fussing.

[seh77]

GK... . Thank you I am doing just that.  I am learning thru this site and reading up. I am learning to set the boundries and stick to them.  But I know it's going to be a journey. 

THanks for all of the great support!