Staying in the moment

[griz]

DD has finished her first year at community college and at the end of the week will have completed a class in summer session.  Right now she is upstairs getting her make on, because she will be going to the Prom tonight.  This would have been her graduating class except that we excelerated her out early last year to get her out of place that was such a trigger and so toxic for her. Some of her old classmates invited her to prom and she seems excited about going. She has made a lot of strides, going back to therapy, DBT group and working really hard.  I am very proud of her however I find myself continually dwelling on the what if's?  What if it all goes backward? what if it goes downhill?  I never share these fears with anyone but here.  I have to take her up to the school for a "pre-prom" celebration.  The school does this for the kids before they leave for prom and I know that I will have to face all of the people that have judged me and my DD for so long.  "The kid with the problem", "The bad kid", "The bad mother". My dh could not get off from work so my older daughter's bf and his mom are coming with me for moral support.

I am truly on the brink of tears and so afraid.  I don't want to be starred at, talked about, snickered about, but I know this will happen.  So here is my plan.  I am reminding myself of where we have been and how far we have come.  I am celebrating this day with DD and I am celebrating DD.  I will hold my head up high and stay in the moment. 

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

I am truly on the brink of tears and so afraid.  I don't want to be starred at, talked about, snickered about, but I know this will happen.  So here is my plan.  I am reminding myself of where we have been and how far we have come.  I am celebrating this day with DD and I am celebrating DD.  I will hold my head up high and stay in the moment. 

This is a good plan, so glad you have others to go with you. Hold onto confidence that your DD can use all her new skills with her old friends. What is the plan if things get hard for her in some way? An exit strategy.

Wil hold you in my thoughts and prayers tonight.

qcr  

[twojaybirds]

You take that highroad... . hold your head high... . be proud every second if  for no other reason than for yourself for being an awesome mom

I wish you could post a photo so we can see how beautiful your dd looks!

Here is one of my Mother Teresa's favorites


People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

            If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.

            If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed anyway.

           If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.

            What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.

            If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.

            The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.

          Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.

          In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway

[mggt]

Dear Griz.  Hold your head very high you are a wonderful mom be proud you deserve it along with your d      mggt

[jellibeans]

Griz

Try not to worry about what people may or may not be thinking or saying about your dd... . that is a road to pain and tonight is not for that. I think it is very good for your dd to enjoy prom along with friends and I see it as closure for her. Prom is really an exciting time and I an glad your dd is able to join in the celebration.

I feel at times I tend to think that maybe people are not being kind to my dd and it hurts... . that is the hardest thing to bare but let your dd go if she feel comfortable. Maybe if you had a plan if things didn't go well that would help. If your daughter was feeling stressed or just wasn't having a good time you could reassure her that you could come and pick her up at anytime. I would probably feel exactly the same way as you... . feeling like I have to protect my dd but that is not giving her the opportunity to grow and learn. I think this could be a really good thing... . don't let what you think might happen stop your dd from have this experience... . Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.  

[griz]

Thank you all.  I am finally home and all went well.  DH couldn't bare missing DD's prom so he feigned illness and left work and showed up.  I wish I had a camera out for the smile when she saw him. My older daughter left work early also and she showed up too.  I had lots of support and we truly celebrated DD.  I proudly walked into the school and spoke to a few people who I hadn't seen in a long time and were kind enough to tell me that DD looked great and hoped she was doing well.  The villains were there also but I held my head high and reminded myself that I had alot to be proud of.  I totally ignored the snickers.  Dh and I went out to dinner with my older daughters bf and his mom.  My daughter had to go back to work. 

Got a text from DD saying she was having fun and I told her to just enjoy and if she needs me I am only 7 digits away.  I hope she truly enjoys her night.

"Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"  Love it.  And so true.

Griz

[jellibeans]

   

[twojaybirds]

Your evening has me    ing

[pessim-optimist]

Hi griz!

have been off lately and my computer has crashed too. So I will be off more than on for a while but wanted to say:

Congratulations! 

And - guess what? All those people who are looking down on you have kids who are just now graduating from high-school. Your DD WITH 'all of her problems' already is a year ahead of her former classmates!  Not to sound too snooty, but I think that whoever is snickering is very limited in their outlook.

[Reality]

Dear griz,

... . very sweet to have the family with your daughter to celebrate... .

Congratulations to all of you!

Reality

[griz]

Okay, so Part II, because there is always a part II with our kids.

So DD had a great time.  Sent me a text at 3am ( I knew the kids had the bus till 4am and were going to a karioke club for under 212's).  One of the girls asked all the girls to stay over her house.  DD asked if this was okay and assured me that she would be ready when I picked her up at 7:15am to go to her class and work for me.  She was ready at 7:15 however she was beyond exhausted and told me that there was no way she could go to her class.  I asked her if she could be absent since she has missed a half day and this is only summer session and she said she would speak to her professor.  Of course I didn't think this was the way to go.  I told her I thought she should go and just do her best since summer session is ending and she probably doesn't want to jepordize the whole four weeks that she already attended and currently has a A in the class.

She got annoyed and said, please just take me home, I will deal with it, it will be fine.  Normally I would have argued this out trying to make her see what I thought was the responsible thing to do.  Instead I told myself that I must let her be responsible for her own actions.  If she speaks to the professor and there is no problem that is good,  if she exceeds her absenses and ends up failing the class she will have to take responsiblity for that too.  I am not sure if I did the "responsible" thing as her mom.  Should I have forced the issue making it into a huge fight (which believe me it would have been) or was I right in allowing her to make her own decision and possibly dealing with the consequences.

I never know which to do?

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Reality]

griz,

You acted appropriately... . let us know what happens... .

Reality

[lbjnltx]

You did the responsible thing... . advocating for your d to be responsible.  Let the professor/school dictate the consequences.  our kids tend to learn more from those not closest to them in many cases.

As far as what others' think or do... . that is their choice and reflects who they are and what they lack.  It isn't about you or your dd.  To make it about us is to infer that we have the power to control others' thoughts, opinions, behaviors.  That is not truth.

I am proud for your dd!  I am proud for you!  I see this as a triumphant moment in your lives and believe in unlimited positive possiblities... . because I believe!

[twojaybirds]

You did the 100% responsible thing IMHO.

Yeah again.

[jellibeans]

Griz... . you did good... . let her figure it out was the right way to go... .  

[pessim-optimist]

You did great! 

Let them use those wings and get stronger every day - even if the flight is wobbly, their muscles are getting stronger with use.

[Kate4queen]

Just so pleased for you both.

[qcarolr]

   

qcr

[griz]

Well the update is, this morning DD and I drove to school/work together.  I so wanted to give her some advice about speaking with her teacher however I reminded myself that she needs to take responsiblity for this herself.  She called me during her break to tell me her debit card wasn't working and could I look on line to see what the issue was.  I told her I would and that I would put $20 on her card so she had some money.  She thanked me and just when i couldn't take any more I finally asked her how it went with her teacher today.  She said, Oh fine mom, no problem.  I didn't interogate her (which is something I would have done prior with what did he say, what did you say, blah blah blah and instead I just said "Thats good I am glad you were able to take care of this". 

Griz

[qcarolr]

Griz - awesome lesson for me today. I am such a blah blah blah person. Somehow think my mind is looking for a particular reaction, I am instensely curious about what is going on in other's life, searching for reasurance that they are OK - really OK. You are doing such a great job with your new patterns of thinking first and connection with your D.

qcr  

[pessim-optimist]

Wow Griz! 

Baby steps, and before you know it, you have traveled miles!   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders