feeling anxious about husband's reaction to revisions on PSA-long

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all,

I've had a week of stress and anxiety -- I have slept little and was even sick over the weekend - both I think due to stress.  My husband's attorney originally prepared our PSA (or as husband calls it "my PSA", which was very vague about selling our house.  I've been out of house living w/ my parents for five months; he's been in the house with me still paying half of mortgage/utilities since I left (this month he has assumed utilities).  The original PSA said simply we would sell house and split profit (yes, we are both on mortgage).  My attorney added specific revisions to include a realtor's name, stipulations that house would have sign in yard, lockbox to make it available to show, timeframe, etc. 

Husband's attorney sends it back, agreeing to specifics about listing the house (good but husband keeps canceling with realtor to do the walk through so still not listed!), but says I owe one month's mortgage.  Husband is EXTREMELY angry about this and even raged at me about work in front of people about not paying mortgage which he somehow feels entitled too.  It's a bit complicated, but we split our money late Aug 2012 (always had joint finances prior- I did money).  Husband has 5-600 per month drug habit which means that by late last summer we had no savings and about 14K on credit cards.  A big blow up FINALLY led to our money split -- we kept joint account for mortgage, utilities, and credit debt.  Both of us can move money in/out of joint account but again it's for joint bills.

When I moved out, we split our credit debt - we each have our own cards with half the debt.  We were paying several hundred a month in credit debt, so now at beginning of month, I simply move the excess (formerly went to credit) to my personal account.  He is to do same. Husband is claiming there was not enough in account for him to pull his credit money.  The thing is that EVERY single month since we split $ (9 months), he has had personal payments pulled from account (over 1K).  First few months while I was living there I just gave gentle reminders (By the way, your xxx card is still pulling from our joint account.  Can you change that?). He never did.  Once or twice he put $ in to cover, however not enough by far.  We had a little cushion b/c we also allowed for some emergency expenses and household expenses, so I let it go. 

Fast forward to the month in question -- the day we were paid, I went to account to move my money out (with plans to leave exactly my half of mortgage/utilities), and I see that he has moved a few hundred to his individual account and taken a few hundred out of ATM!  I can bet the cash was for drugs.  I couldn't believe he so brazenly took the $, so I deducted what he removed and left only a couple hundred in.  I then emailed him and informed him that b/c of his personal withdrawals, the mortgage wouldn't be covered when it pulled in two days.  He replaced the money immediately and then sent me a bunch of nasty emails saying he had reported me to our mortgage co for failure to pay and intended to take me to court, etc. etc. 

My attorney will be sending the PSA back, saying that b/c of all the money my husband removed over 9 months, I would not be paying the mortgage for that month.  In other words, it evens out (actually my husband is still slightly over). I KNOW THIS WILL INFURIATE MY HUSBAND.  He truly believes I owe him money b/c he thinks he didn't get his share of the credit card overages.  HE BELIEVES THIS, plus I believe he needs the $.  The bank statements will be included but they are a bear to figure out and only go back about 4 months (not all the way to when money was split).  The bank told me that's as far back in archives as they could pull (?). 

My attorney also told me for first time yesterday that he believes my husband is completely mentally unstable and this is NOT normal divorce communication between divorcing spouses (which is how his attorney is trying to portray it).  He also said he wanted to call his attorney and talk it through -- he wanted to explain the bullying and also share with him that the reason for the original money split was because of my husband's drug use.  He wants to let his attorney know what kind of person he is dealing with, as my husband can be very convincing, and of course he wouldn't share drug use or verbal abuse of me to his attorney.  I know his attorney has the perogative to share this info with my husband (in other words, he can ask him about his drug use or call him on it).  This will make my husband go BALLISTIC. 

He will be LIVID that I outed him and who knows what he will do.  Like I said, I'm anxious, stressed, sleep is messed up, cannot relax or even be productive (seemed to be paralyzed right now - can't get done things I need to do, etc.).  My attorney understands my concerns but believes I need to speak up and stand firm on not paying mortgage for that month.

I apologize for my verbosity, but if anyone has thoughts, experience, or advice to offer, I'd appreciate it.  I'm a wreck. 

[atcrossroads]

Hi all,

I've had a week of stress and anxiety -- I have slept little and was even sick over the weekend - both I think due to stress.  My husband's attorney originally prepared our PSA (or as husband calls it "my PSA", which was very vague about selling our house.  I've been out of house living w/ my parents for five months; he's been in the house with me still paying half of mortgage/utilities since I left (this month he has assumed utilities).  The original PSA said simply we would sell house and split profit (yes, we are both on mortgage).  My attorney added specific revisions to include a realtor's name, stipulations that house would have sign in yard, lockbox to make it available to show, timeframe, etc. 

Husband's attorney sends it back, agreeing to specifics about listing the house (good but husband keeps canceling with realtor to do the walk through so still not listed!), but says I owe one month's mortgage.  Husband is EXTREMELY angry about this and even raged at me about work in front of people about not paying mortgage which he somehow feels entitled too.  It's a bit complicated, but we split our money late Aug 2012 (always had joint finances prior- I did money).  Husband has 5-600 per month drug habit which means that by late last summer we had no savings and about 14K on credit cards.  A big blow up FINALLY led to our money split -- we kept joint account for mortgage, utilities, and credit debt.  Both of us can move money in/out of joint account but again it's for joint bills.

When I moved out, we split our credit debt - we each have our own cards with half the debt.  We were paying several hundred a month in credit debt, so now at beginning of month, I simply move the excess (formerly went to credit) to my personal account.  He is to do same. Husband is claiming there was not enough in account for him to pull his credit money.  The thing is that EVERY single month since we split $ (9 months), he has had personal payments pulled from account (over 1K).  First few months while I was living there I just gave gentle reminders (By the way, your xxx card is still pulling from our joint account.  Can you change that?). He never did.  Once or twice he put $ in to cover, however not enough by far.  We had a little cushion b/c we also allowed for some emergency expenses and household expenses, so I let it go. 

Fast forward to the month in question -- the day we were paid, I went to account to move my money out (with plans to leave exactly my half of mortgage/utilities), and I see that he has moved a few hundred to his individual account and taken a few hundred out of ATM!  I can bet the cash was for drugs.  I couldn't believe he so brazenly took the $, so I deducted what he removed and left only a couple hundred in.  I then emailed him and informed him that b/c of his personal withdrawals, the mortgage wouldn't be covered when it pulled in two days.  He replaced the money immediately and then sent me a bunch of nasty emails saying he had reported me to our mortgage co for failure to pay and intended to take me to court, etc. etc. 

My attorney will be sending the PSA back, saying that b/c of all the money my husband removed over 9 months, I would not be paying the mortgage for that month.  In other words, it evens out (actually my husband is still slightly over). I KNOW THIS WILL INFURIATE MY HUSBAND.  He truly believes I owe him money b/c he thinks he didn't get his share of the credit card overages.  HE BELIEVES THIS, plus I believe he needs the $.  The bank statements will be included but they are a bear to figure out and only go back about 4 months (not all the way to when money was split).  The bank told me that's as far back in archives as they could pull (?). 

My attorney also told me for first time yesterday that he believes my husband is completely mentally unstable and this is NOT normal divorce communication between divorcing spouses (which is how his attorney is trying to portray it).  He also said he wanted to call his attorney and talk it through -- he wanted to explain the bullying and also share with him that the reason for the original money split was because of my husband's drug use.  He wants to let his attorney know what kind of person he is dealing with, as my husband can be very convincing, and of course he wouldn't share drug use or verbal abuse of me to his attorney.  I know his attorney has the perogative to share this info with my husband (in other words, he can ask him about his drug use or call him on it).  This will make my husband go BALLISTIC. 

He will be LIVID that I outed him and who knows what he will do.  Like I said, I'm anxious, stressed, sleep is messed up, cannot relax or even be productive (seemed to be paralyzed right now - can't get done things I need to do, etc.).  My attorney understands my concerns but believes I need to speak up and stand firm on not paying mortgage for that month.

I apologize for my verbosity, but if anyone has thoughts, experience, or advice to offer, I'd appreciate it.  I'm a wreck. 

[marbleloser]

Sorry to hear atcrossroads. First,why in the world do you still have your name on joint accounts with this guy? I understand the paying half of the mortgage and everything,but why not have one of you pay it,with the other to re-imburse half the payment?

If he's court ordered to do so and doesn't,file for contempt.

He can drag this house sale out forevvverrrr.You being tied to him on accounts affects your credit with everything he doesn't pay.He actually doesn't have any incentive to do anything.

Can you contact these credit card companies and have your name removed from the accounts? I'd do that first thing!

[ForeverDad]

I agree, you need firm boundaries or else he'll keep trying to steamroller them.

PSA - it needs to be clear and detailed, outlining what each person's responsibility is, AND giving consequences for noncompliance.  If the consequences aren't built into the agreement, then it will take multiple trips back to court to get them even partially enforced.  For example, if he doesn't show the home, then he loses occupancy so you can take over and get it sold.  If he fails to sign any documents - listing papers, sale papers, quit claim deed, etc - then have the agreement state that the judge is authorized and required (many judges hate to sign for the non-compliant spouse) to sign in his place.  The point is to block in advance the many ways he can sabotage the sale.  Conflictual spouses find innumerable ways to delay, obstruct and retaliate.  It's our job to try to keep the obstruction and delay to a minimum.

Both spouses put their half into the designated account.  (Don't have your paycheck deposited there.  Have it deposited in your personal account and then you transfer the required amount in before it is due.  No more of this "dumping in a lot and pulling out your excess".  That muddies the water too much if you ever need to have accounting done to determine which one of you is behind in payments.

In my case, I continued to have an existing joint account during the few years I had to pay my ex alimony.  I deposited my check, after it cleared she transferred it to her personal account.  Clean and simple.  Oh, until she pulled too much money out and the account was negative and accumulating daily NSF fees.  She demanded I pay it, I got the bank to waive a small portion and left the rest to her.  She complained bitterly but eventually dropped the matter.  That is precisely why it is best not to have a joint account, if your ex does something to trigger fees, do you want to be stuck paying for his mistakes, carelessness or indifference?  That's why everyone here says to close all joint bank accounts and credit accounts.  Joint ownership of marital assets or debts is always a huge problem to deal with, so keep it to a minimum.

Here are some recent threads where our dear members trying to sell the house faced huge hurdles fighting the endless delays, noncompliance and the court's reluctance to take action.  At least some of their problems could have been avoided or minimized if only they had more detailed and enforceable agreements.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203698.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=202392.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=195037.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=194485.0

[catnap]

"The bank told me that's as far back in archives as they could pull (?)."

I would call them and ask where are there older records kept.  They may have meant they only have 4 months archived at their location.  You may have to pay a small fee for older records.