Hi Wanna Move On and
I'm new here and still trying to learn. I would really appreciate if people could explain: 1) WHY intimacy triggers all the extremely nasty aspects of them to emerge, and 2) WHY they push away/seemingly hate the people closest to them?
My understanding is what starts the disorder in people with BPD (pwBPD) is an early abandonment trauma that occurs at a very young age (3-5?) which interrupts their emotional development. I've read that this is sometimes compared to PTSD, except that it occurs at an early developmental stage; and considering how much difficulty an adult mind has dealing with PTSD, I can't imagine what this does to a child's mind.
The key is that this trauma happens to them at a time when their mind is defining what intimacy (i.e. between parent and child) and familiarity (i.e., family) means to them. So not only has their emotional development arrested at that early developmental state because of this trauma, but also any kind of *reminder* of those feelings they where just beginning to develop (such as learning that parent and child are independent individuals, and the child is learning to tolerate separation from parent) becomes a trigger for the recollection of the trauma.
So I imagine for pwBPD their mind is stuck at an impasse. On the one hand the mind (perhaps) is motivated to progress past this stage of emotional development (i.e. establishing a stable attachment to an object/parent), but each time they get to a certain point, their recollection of their trauma is triggered setting off a whole cycle of maladaptive behaviors and they reset their development I guess. So they are stuck in this loop, which has gone on for a very long time.
So (1) intimacy triggers their "extremely nasty aspects" because intimacy (perhaps) triggers the recollection of their early abandonment-betrayal-denigration (which ones, abandonment, betrayal or denigration depend on the specific history of the pwBPD -- could be all three) trauma.
and (2) they push away and hate those closest to them because those closest to them are the ones who trigger these feelings of intimacy and familiarity which then trigger the recollection of their trauma.
Hope that makes sense.
Best wishes, Schwing