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Author Topic: He said he was leaving. She ignored him.  (Read 894 times)
isilme
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« on: July 26, 2013, 02:03:56 PM »

I saw this article, and thought I agreed with how the writer handled things - it seems she'd come to some radical acceptance of her own, and knew she could not solver her H's emotional distress.  This may not be BPD related, so much, as the crisis faced in the article can be repeated many times in a year in some BPD-relationships.  I just thought I'd share hoe she was able to strongly tell herself it's not about her, his attempts to blame or draw her into a fight were all about him and HIS pain, and she was best to not play the game, forcing him to find what he really felt.  

www.theweek.com/article/index/99512/the-last-word-he-said-he-was-leaving-she-ignored-him
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Scarlet Phoenix
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« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2013, 02:46:12 PM »

I liked that! Hadn't seen it before. Definitely feels it relates to BPD-relationships.
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~~ The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; who strives valiantly; who errs; who comes short again and again ... and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly ~~ Become who you are ~~
emotionaholic
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« Reply #2 on: July 26, 2013, 07:00:55 PM »

Good find isilme.  I would bookmark it but have to hide this site and anything related to it.  Just reading it gave me strength.
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DreamFlyer99
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« Reply #3 on: July 26, 2013, 07:33:20 PM »

 Isilme: Wow! That was a really interesting article! i'm not quite THAT strong, I've taken things too personally for way too long. There's a lot of good wisdom in that for someone living with a pwBPD. I think once we deal with the scars and twitches we've accumulated on our road trip with them, maybe we can be this strong and not take on their anguish, pain, disappointment? I know i'm not there yet, but going through this crazy journey with my uBPDh of 37 years, and only figuring out what was happening over the past couple of years, I've started getting stronger and coming back around to knowing who I am. I've had to start looking at what things are important to me, what do I personally value, what makes up ME as a person. Sounds like the author was already there. She knew what was true and she acted from that knowledge.

She seems to have used that neutral tone I've struggled to gain, where i'm just stating the facts. And she totally did the bit about going on with her life and not letting his struggle make her gloomy or whatever (at least outwardly in front of him or the kids.) She just let him feel it and deal with it.

Oh to be that strong! i'm working my way there... .

And Emotionaholic, I know what you're saying--I use the "inPrivate Browsing" tool on my browser so none of this shows up in my history. My H doesn't usually get into my stuff but better safe than sorry. I guess i'm still twitching and not quite to the author's point of strength.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #4 on: July 27, 2013, 01:20:18 AM »

I know I seen the article before. I'm in awe of the author's strength.

I'd also add that she had a H who found a sudden crisis, and eventually overcame it.

Not the same as getting into a r/s with somebody who is like that the whole time, and in that way, not like the stories I usually read here. The H's behavior does sound like (relatively mild) BPD behavior, but the beginning and end of this behavior doesn't sound like what most of us experience here.
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DreamFlyer99
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« Reply #5 on: July 27, 2013, 12:26:11 PM »

I'd also add that she had a H who found a sudden crisis, and eventually overcame it.

Not the same as getting into a r/s with somebody who is like that the whole time,here.

Now THAT is a super good point. Our lives with the pwBPD are varying sizes of crisis with many many blips on the screen, rather than this where there was 1 midlife crisis sized bump on the whole stinking line. TRUTH.
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arabella
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« Reply #6 on: July 27, 2013, 09:49:49 PM »

I don't know if I'm so gung-ho about this article. I take the point about letting others own their own emotions, but that's about it.

Excerpt
I know what you’re thinking: I’m a pushover. I’m weak and scared and would put up with anything to keep the family together. I’m probably one of those women who would endure physical abuse. But I can assure you, I’m not. I load 1,500-pound horses into trailers and gallop through the high country of Montana all summer. I went through Pitocin-induced natural childbirth. And a Caesarean section without follow-up drugs. I am handy with a chain saw.

Yes, that's exactly what I'm thinking - he can do whatever he wants and she stands by and sucks it up (kids along for the ride). And, I'm sorry, but her examples, meant to reassure us of her fortitude? Please. None of those have anything to do with emotional equilibrium. Apples, meet oranges.

So she says that, privately, she was giving him 6 months. And then what? Well, we don't hear about that because, conveniently, he came to his senses and all was fine forevermore. And what was she going to do if he did move out? Or he did have an affair? Or any number of other things? I mean, it's nice to say she's really strong, but the fact is he didn't really do much of anything! Yes, his words were hurtful, but not exactly worst-case scenario type stuff.

My take on the whole thing probably reflects more how I'm feeling and much less on the author herself (or even her situation). I'd also like to know what the kids thought of all of this (I don't think she mentions their ages?)
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GreenMango
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« Reply #7 on: July 28, 2013, 08:13:39 PM »

I really enjoyed reading this article.  I loved that she didn't tie the possible future outcomes to her happiness.  She knew it would probably suck to lose that marriage but that in the end she could still be happy, and okay.

She worked through her own insecurities and let him work through his.  She had her boundaries and mentioned saving those needed difficult talks until later when the the timing was better.  That takes emotional patience and keeping eyes on the goal to not make it worse.

I'm guessing if she proceeded to be a codependent hot mess they'd be divorced.  You don't have to have a mental illness to bring all kinds of dysfunction into a relationship.

* it does sound like this was one of those infrequent crisis points many relationships can face - and not a repeatitive cycle she dealt with multiple times a year.

There's something powerful about letting another adult figure their own stuff out and maintaining a calm within the storm knowing your limits and being loving in a not so loving situation.
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isilme
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« Reply #8 on: July 30, 2013, 04:05:33 PM »

I really liked her admitting that the things he said and did hurt, but that she realized only he could fix himself.  And yes, this sounds more like a singular mid-life crisis, and not a pattern that repeats daily, weekly, monthly or yearly, and so the analogy to a person with borderline behaviors isn't 100%. 
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Chosen
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« Reply #9 on: July 30, 2013, 09:10:22 PM »

For pwBPDs, unfortunately they don't "come to their senses" just like that.

Their life is a series of crisis.

Also, for many pwBPDs, it's not just rightout saying, "I don't love you.  I'm leaving."  When they want to leave, they will say, "You don't love me."  They twist everything so that it becomes your problem.  And when they come back they will still hold on to the fact that they left because you treated them poorly. 

That's what makes it hard. 
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SadWifeofBPD
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« Reply #10 on: July 31, 2013, 08:19:56 AM »

I actually did some of this and it worked.

I couldn't keep H from moving out a few month ago because his brother insisted that he do that and file for divorce.

I just kept on doing normal stuff, except that I ALSO moved out and got an apt (and didn't let him know where).  H couldn't serve me with divorce papers, altho he tried (and his brother was so angry about this... . Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)).

I knew that H had just painted me black and that would pass.  The Black lasted longer than necessary because H was following his brother's demand that H never speak to me again.  Finally, H had to call me about our car being stolen.  I became White within minutes.  H is back home and his brother has been booted out of our lives (I hope permenantly).  H's brother is also mentally ill, but as children, he always bossed my H around... . and H would let him. 

We've been able to talk about all of this, and H now understands that the separation, etc, only occured because he was following his brother's demands of "no contact".  As long as there was "no contact" it was easy for H to keep me black. 
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Gueneviere

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« Reply #11 on: July 31, 2013, 10:07:52 AM »

This sounds a lot like what I am going through now. UBPDh has been unemployed for over a year and I've been suspecting that he's been projecting his feeling of crappiness onto me. We haven't even been married a year yet, but every month or so we go through the cycle of him deciding he wants a divorce. Of him wanting me to move out. Of him telling me he doesn't love me. I haven't gone anywhere and neither has he. But it hasn't been without difficulty and pain, either.
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DreamFlyer99
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« Reply #12 on: July 31, 2013, 03:09:19 PM »

This sounds a lot like what I am going through now. UBPDh has been unemployed for over a year and I've been suspecting that he's been projecting his feeling of crappiness onto me. We haven't even been married a year yet, but every month or so we go through the cycle of him deciding he wants a divorce. Of him wanting me to move out. Of him telling me he doesn't love me. I haven't gone anywhere and neither has he. But it hasn't been without difficulty and pain, either.

Oh Gueneviere! That sounds pretty difficult! blecch. It sounds like projection, I had to remind myself of that ugly animal "projection" last night when I was being "corrected" for the way I said something to my uBPDh. Doesn't feel a lot better in the moment, but it helps to know in the long term. I know I've lasted in the r/s as long as I have because I thought I was the one in the wrong and didn't realize what parts of the dance he was responsible for.
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