Violent Diagnosed stbxBPDw had me arrested

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have been with my diagnosed stbxBPDw for nine years. I let her beat me 4-5 times a year for over 8 years. I would try to protect myself until I could either get away from her or she would stop. Only a couple of times could you tell I had been beaten but I only have pictures from one incident that happened a couple of years ago. This is very difficult for me to admit.

She meets all 9 criteria for BPD. She cuts herself (with the kids in the house). Attempted suicide 4+ times (once with the kids in the house and once with the kids just outside). Verbal rages. Violent rages. Self-deprecating. Dissociative behavior. I hate you - don’t leave me - I love you. Plus, all the other BPD symptoms.

My stbxBPDw says that if only I could be nice to her and not push her buttons, she wouldn’t fly into a rage and become violent. I have emails, text messages and hand written notes that apologize for being violent, not wanting to be a parent, her asking me to ‘let her go’, admitting to not taking her meds, admitting that she has BPD, and sleeping all day 3-4 times a week. I have come home and found our kids (ages 6 and 4) watching TV by themselves and when I ask where is mommy, they say she’s been sleeping all day. When I walk into our room to make her up, she always says that she just fell asleep for a second and she’ll be right up. Rarely does it require less than 2 or 3 tries for me to rouse her. She self-medicates and passes out. I found out she was taking my blood pressure meds to sleep because they make her very sleepy.

Lately her violence has become more frequent, almost once a month. The last time she beat me, I tried to restrain her. This time she was punching and kicking and the only thing I could grab was her throat, so I did and held her until she stopped hitting me. I did not squeeze. I did not choke her. As she was hitting me while I had my hands on her throat, my hands left marks on her neck. She bruises easily because of a medication she takes. The next morning she was apologetic and asked me to dinner that night. When I got home to get ready for our date, the police were waiting for me. She told them I choked her AFTER she had been hitting me. They wouldn't let me make a complaint against her. Straight to jail I went. I was told by one police officer that basically she beat me to the punch. After being bailed out, I was able to return home because she had left the state to be with her mother and our 2 daughters are spending the summer with my mother in a 3rd state. My bail conditions thankfully say NC so that is good, however, it doesn’t prevent her from contacting me and she has already sent me emails (which I forwarded to my attorney).

In addition to fighting the criminal charges using a self-defense, defense, I am filing for divorce and full physical and legal custody of the children. I fear that she will become violent with the children in the future (my mother witnessed her yanking our 7 year old out of bed recently), and I am terrified that our kids will see her cutting herself and start to believe that cutting is an acceptable coping mechanism. Our kids have already started yelling at each other mimicking how my stbxBPDw sounds when she begins her rages.

I have a few questions.

1)   Has anyone been in a similar situation as a man and what was the outcome?

2)   Will my lawyers be able to get her mental health records from our marriage counselor, her therapists and psychiatrists? Is this             something I can do to save money with the attorney?

3)   Are there battered men’s advocacy groups that could help me in the criminal trial and with custody?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Here’s my advice: Call the police if you get hit. It doesn't stop. It gets worse. If you have to defend yourself, you may face criminal charges just like me. Although I have a good case for self-defense, nothing is guaranteed.

[vtwin9471]

I have been with my diagnosed stbxBPDw for nine years. I let her beat me 4-5 times a year for over 8 years. I would try to protect myself until I could either get away from her or she would stop. Only a couple of times could you tell I had been beaten but I only have pictures from one incident that happened a couple of years ago. This is very difficult for me to admit.

She meets all 9 criteria for BPD. She cuts herself (with the kids in the house). Attempted suicide 4+ times (once with the kids in the house and once with the kids just outside). Verbal rages. Violent rages. Self-deprecating. Dissociative behavior. I hate you - don’t leave me - I love you. Plus, all the other BPD symptoms.

My stbxBPDw says that if only I could be nice to her and not push her buttons, she wouldn’t fly into a rage and become violent. I have emails, text messages and hand written notes that apologize for being violent, not wanting to be a parent, her asking me to ‘let her go’, admitting to not taking her meds, admitting that she has BPD, and sleeping all day 3-4 times a week. I have come home and found our kids (ages 6 and 4) watching TV by themselves and when I ask where is mommy, they say she’s been sleeping all day. When I walk into our room to make her up, she always says that she just fell asleep for a second and she’ll be right up. Rarely does it require less than 2 or 3 tries for me to rouse her. She self-medicates and passes out. I found out she was taking my blood pressure meds to sleep because they make her very sleepy.

Lately her violence has become more frequent, almost once a month. The last time she beat me, I tried to restrain her. This time she was punching and kicking and the only thing I could grab was her throat, so I did and held her until she stopped hitting me. I did not squeeze. I did not choke her. As she was hitting me while I had my hands on her throat, my hands left marks on her neck. She bruises easily because of a medication she takes. The next morning she was apologetic and asked me to dinner that night. When I got home to get ready for our date, the police were waiting for me. She told them I choked her AFTER she had been hitting me. They wouldn't let me make a complaint against her. Straight to jail I went. I was told by one police officer that basically she beat me to the punch. After being bailed out, I was able to return home because she had left the state to be with her mother and our 2 daughters are spending the summer with my mother in a 3rd state. My bail conditions thankfully say NC so that is good, however, it doesn’t prevent her from contacting me and she has already sent me emails (which I forwarded to my attorney).

In addition to fighting the criminal charges using a self-defense, defense, I am filing for divorce and full physical and legal custody of the children. I fear that she will become violent with the children in the future (my mother witnessed her yanking our 7 year old out of bed recently), and I am terrified that our kids will see her cutting herself and start to believe that cutting is an acceptable coping mechanism. Our kids have already started yelling at each other mimicking how my stbxBPDw sounds when she begins her rages.

I have a few questions.

1)   Has anyone been in a similar situation as a man and what was the outcome?

2)   Will my lawyers be able to get her mental health records from our marriage counselor, her therapists and psychiatrists? Is this             something I can do to save money with the attorney?

3)   Are there battered men’s advocacy groups that could help me in the criminal trial and with custody?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Here’s my advice: Call the police if you get hit. It doesn't stop. It gets worse. If you have to defend yourself, you may face criminal charges just like me. Although I have a good case for self-defense, nothing is guaranteed.

[DreamGirl]

Hi vtwin9471,



First, I really encourage you to check out this link: TOOLS: Responding to domestic violence (men)

You are not alone in this.

When do you get to see the kids next? This is a very important time, both emotionally and legally (especially with filing for sole custody) that you are spending a lot of time with them.

-DG

[marbleloser]

1.Get the kids back in your house ASAP! She can get them from your mother,with the polices help if necessary.

2.Change the locks on the house.All of them.

3.Remove her from any joint accounts.

3.File for divorce,exclusive use of the marital home,full custody of the kids,and a RO against her.

4.If you're still listed on the HIPPA forms,you should be able to get access to her medical records.

Make sure you remove her from your HIPPA forms.

5.Don't take a plea deal in the DV case.Fight it.

[ForeverDad]

Did the officers who heard her state she had been hitting you including that in their report?  Her admission should mean something.  I don't know if the courts, District Attorneys or other officials will allow you to cite her past history including mental health and credibility, but try anyway.

Also, the more time that passed between the alleged incident and her reporting it, the weaker her claim might be.  For example, if she would have called right then, it would have been more difficult to fight.  But even so, her waiting until the next day may not make much of a difference.

So you can live in the home as long as she's not there?  Be aware that if she returns then you may be forced to leave.  I agree with marbleloser on many points mentioned, but so much is interdependent of the other factors.  Set up Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, etc.  Try not to be caught off guard again.  She will still manage to surprise you sometimes, even your lawyer too, but try to keep her delays, sabotage and obstructions to a minimum and limited to minor details.

Sometime during the divorce process you will need a Custody Evaluation (in some places it may be called a Psych Evaluation but it is more than just some psych testing).  Be sure you get an expected, perceptive and respected evaluator.  Don't pick solely on quoted prices, that's just window dressing, our cases usually end up getting added sessions raising the prices anyway.

You'll have to decide whether to file for divorce now - or later.  Why?

On the one hand, you can file sooner and then you'd be able to tell the judge you know the relationship is over and will keep your distance from her - and consequently her away from you - and maybe they'll accept that as assurance that you two will be less likely to become repeat customers in court.  Courts and officials might be less likely to work with you or advocate for you if they figure you'll be in and out of court over and over endlessly.

On the other hand, depending on your spouse's personality - super-possessive and super-entitled of the children or to the other extreme often drifting away to other adult relationships - you may want to prepare confidentially to file for divorce but hold off to see whether she'll flip back and want you back.  If that happens you could make a condition of coming back as withdrawing her prior allegations in whatever way satisfies the legal rules in your courts.  Yes, you know you couldn't ever go back since DV would just happen again the next time she rants and rages, but you don't tell her that, you could leave that carrot hanging out there and see if she takes it.  If you've been permanently painted black, that won't happen, but that's one possible option, getting the current case out of the way as a dismissal or withdrawal before filing for a divorce.

Hmm, she's run off to her mother.  Is her mother a reasonable person or will she believe/support her daughter no matter what?  Be aware that if her mother was reasonable in the past, these new claims may force her mother to choose sides and she may choose her daughter's side, as in, blood is thicker than water.  So if you can get subtle help from her family, great, if not, then accept reality and proceed accordingly.

Expect her to quickly use the children as weapons in her legal Declaration of War.  (See the section around page 192 of Stop Walking on Eggshells.)  However, interestingly, most courts seem to view adult behaviors (such as between you and her) as separate from parenting behaviors.  It doesn't make sense to see a person as having two separate behaviors, but that's often how things end up in court, that you can be seen as having poor parenting behaviors yet okay as a parent.   This common outcome may work in your favor since she's likely to claim that since you two were fighting in some way, then you're also not a good parent and the children need to be protected from you.  You need to stop such claims that you are Mr Evil Personified now, don't let it get out of hand.

Meanwhile, there are many subtle traps and pitfalls when trying to survive the legal onslaught. Of course, you should have a lawyer who is experienced with DV cases.  But you need more.  Do you have our highly recommended DV, separation and divorce handbook by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger?

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

[sfbayjed]

1. I have been in a similar situation, except my ex was never diagnosed and was high functioning so she didn't cut herself. She physically and emotionally abused me for the better part of two decades. I have gone to work with black eyes and made stupid excuses, been punched with fist and her wicked venomous mouth as the kids watched, cried and begged her to stop. I have been to jail more than once for things I didn't do. I had felony strikable  charges hanging over my head for a year and then plead to a misdemeanor and  got 30 days in jail and a criminal DV record. I have been cheated on, betrayed over and over again in every way imaginable and I kept trying to make it work, first for reasons I can't explain and then to try to keep the family together. Somehow, by the grace of God the truth has come to the surface in my case, mostly because it all came out in counseling and then releases were signed. I have 80 percent custody with temp orders, Our  custody evaluation is done and in the mail. I do not know the results yet.  I can only hope for the best now. The kids actually cry when they have to go see there mom, it has been because of her behavior, I never say anything bad about her to them or in front of them.

2. When you get to the point of seeing either a court mediator or a custody evaluator, they will ask for the releases . You will be able to request who they talk to at that point. Verify that because every state is different.

3.Battered men groups do exist but ones for women out number them by at least 20 to 1. It is much harder to find help as a man. But you CAN call a domestic violence crisis hotline, most are 24 hours and are there to talk to you. They will listen and will have all the information for shelters and assistance in your area.

[vtwin9471]

2. When you get to the point of seeing either a court mediator or a custody evaluator, they will ask for the releases . You will be able to request who they talk to at that point. Verify that because every state is different.

I'm not sure I understand this fully. Can you explain more?

I feel for you sfbayjed. I hear some of myself in what you wrote. I see the fear in my girls eyes when the ex would yell for them. I hope you get full custody. That's what I'm suing for as well.

The only place close to me that helps battered men is the Women's Resource Center and I'm having a tough time getting up the nerve to call/go ask them for help. I just don't feel like they'd believe me. Should I bring pictures of things she's done to me? Should I bring my statement that I gave to my lawyer about the recent episode that landed me in jail? My lawyer said not to file a complaint against the ex because it will just make her pissed off and make my trial more difficult. I'm even concerned that when I file for full custody, doing that will piss her off and my trial will be more difficult anyway. I just feel helpless.

[ForeverDad]

It's hard to predict what would set her off.  Frankly, literally anything can and will trigger her.  Just you existing can trigger her.   (I recall one time I had just come home, walked in the door, my then-spouse started relating something to me, all of a sudden it reminded her of something else totally unrelated to me and she transformed in front of me into one of her rages that went on for hours.)

While you don't want to unnecessarily trigger her, there are some things that have to be said or done.  Weigh the pros and cons and then proceed.  Don't feel guilty about anything that needs to be said or done.  It is what it is.

You can't change her, so you have to look to yourself for positive changes.

[livednlearned]

Others have written here before about the importance of getting a criminal law attorney to fight the DV charges. Then use a family law attorney for the divorce. Law is so specialized, and you don't want to mess with the DV -- especially because it sounds like you have a lot of evidence that she is violent and a good L will be critical to your strategy.

Other advice that shows up here a lot for men in your situation is the importance of fighting the DV charge -- it can damage your employment in significant ways. Some states don't expunge the records, and a lot of employers will not hire you if they see you have a DV record.

Meanwhile, hang onto those emails! And keep documenting. Make sure you don't ever put yourself in a situation where the two of you are alone without someone else around as witness.

If you feel uncomfortable about the Women's Shelter, can you instead call a hotline and talk to someone? I have friends who volunteer for women's shelters and I think your gut instincts about them not believing you are, unfortunately, spot on. When you are fresh in the grinder like this, it's important to find places and people who are genuinely supportive. You may find something online, or a hotline where you can talk to someone. And I've noticed that people here are among the most sympathetic because they've been through it. A lot of women who volunteer for women's shelters have been abused themselves, or witnessed a female loved one being abused. And I don't think people understand female to male abuse until they've experienced BPD.

My N/BPDxh is very high functioning. He's a trial lawyer to boot. And even with that going for him, he has managed to seriously sabotage himself -- I now have S11 96% of the time, and in a few weeks we go to trial over legal custody and my L thinks we have a solid case. Just saying that because going into this, 2.5 years ago, I didn't think I had a chance in h3ll to get sole custody, not against someone as formidable as my ex. With your wife being so low-functioning, plus all the evidence you have, you are actually in a very good position, even though it probably doesn't feel that way right now.

[Matt]

At the risk of repeating what others have said - everybody is giving you good feedback! - here are my 2 cents... .

1) I was married 12 years, and my wife was verbally abusive most of that time, then violent a few times near the end.  I defended myself and she called 911 and accused me of "throwing her down the stairs";  if her accusation was credible I could have been charged with attempted murder.  They charged me with assault;  jail overnight;  $5,000 to a criminal defense attorney.  The police report showed that my wife had lied, and the charges were dropped, but in my state there is no way to keep the arrest record from being seen online by anyone, like a potential employer.  So that will be out there forever - that I was charged with ":)V - assault".  (The charges being dropped is also a public record but harder to find.)

I'm not sure I would agree with you about a man calling the police;  from what I've read, when that happens, the man is arrested about 3/4 of the time anyway.  In my state and 19 others, the police are required to arrest the man no matter what;  the accusation is considered "probable cause" (and the Founders roll over in their graves).  The only strategy I think you can count on is to never be alone with this person again, without a non-family adult third party present all the time.

2) This is a question for your attorney.  (I'm not a lawyer and nobody here can give you legal advice.)  But you might also consider what my lawyer recommended:  we filed a motion and the court appointed a Custody Evaluator - a Ph.D. psychologist who administered psych evals to both parents.  Make sure that your motion requires the CE to administer objective psych evals, like the MMPI-2;  when a professional interviews someone with BPD they might get fooled.  Also, make sure your motion calls for both psych evals to be turned over to both sides, so the results can be taken into account.  You can find scholarly research showing that a parent with BPD puts the child at much, much higher long-term risk - substance abuse, psychological disorders, etc.

3) I would not expect you to find any resource like that, and you should be very careful if you do.  Make sure you know if what you tell them is confidential or not.  I would expect someone who works at a place like that could be very biased.  There are a lot of people who believe that "domestic violence" is men hurting women, so any discussion of violence in the home, to them, will mean you are guilty.

LnL is right to point out that family law attorneys and criminal defense attorneys do different work;  make sure you have a good criminal defense attorney, and handle that case first.  If you try to move the custody case forward before the criminal case is settled, you will have two strikes against you.

Also, I agree with whoever said "No plea agreements."  Both sides - meaning your own attorney too - will probably try to talk you into taking a plea agreement.  They'll tell you that you don't have to go to jail - just take some class - but if you don't take the agreement, you'll be tried for something serious and you might be convicted.  Keep in mind that if you take any plea agreement, you have to sign a document admitting you did whatever they say, and then you also have to admit it in court, on the record, in front of a judge.  And you can never take that back - never.  It's a public record til the end of time (even if they tell you it can be "sealed" or whatever - it's still there on the public record and they can do whatever they want with that information, including posting it online).

Absolutely do not talk about the incident to anyone except your criminal defense attorney.  If it comes up in the divorce case, make sure in advance that you know the right way to handle it - whether you can just say, "That accusation is false." or whether even that might create problems.  (One more good reason to delay the custody case til the criminal case is settled.)

If you decide that you won't take a plea deal - even if that means going to trial and taking a risk of conviction - make sure your criminal defense attorney is 100% clear on that point, and communicates it to the other side - ":)on't waste your time preparing a plea agreement because my client will not take it."  Your attorney will be obligated to present to you any proposal from the other side, and get you to sign a document stating that you read the plea offer and rejected it.  Be ready for all that song-and-dance, but make sure your lawyer knows - if this is your decision - that his job is not to negotiate a plea deal - ":)o not spend any time negotiating a plea agreement because I will not take it." - his job is to prepare your defense so you will not be convicted of anything you didn't do.

My criminal defense attorney was excellent - I would recommend him to anyone - but I had to be very clear with him that he was not to give the other side any reason to believe I would take a plea agreement.  When the judge asked, "Which of you is the victim?", I spoke up and said "I am." which was true.  It took him a few minutes to sort that out - my wife was listed as the victim on the paperwork - but I didn't want to accept for even a few minutes the assumption that she was the victim and I was the aggressor.

The judge looked at the police report - which showed clearly that my wife had lied, and that the witnesses (our two kids) both gave the police information which supported my account of what had happened, and which also contained physical evidence proving her account was false - and asked if I would agree if the charges against me were dropped, and the smaller charges against my wife were dropped too, and I said "Yes".  The prosecutor had to agree to drop the charges against me completely, which she did.  It was unfortunate that my wife got off too, but that was acceptable, since I still had the police report which I later submitted as evidence in the divorce.

One final thought... . depositions.

When someone is lying, depositions can be an excellent way to deal with it.  We filed a motion to depose my wife, so she was questioned by my attorney for four hours;  the other side did the same so I was deposed too.  Afterward, we found more than 40 false statements, about half of which we could prove.  We had a few weeks before the trial date in which to gather the proof.  The other side knew what evidence we were gathering, so they knew that if we went to trial, my wife would be sworn in, confronted with the evidence, and proved to have lied under oath.

An attorney is ethically obligated to protect her client from criminal liability, so my wife's lawyer had to advise her client to settle the custody case, even if she couldn't get what she wanted.  We settled less than 24 hours before the trial, and I got a better deal than I would have accepted a year earlier.  The reason was, going to trial would have been a disaster for my wife, because of the lies she had told under oath in depositions.

It is a powerful tactic.

[vtwin9471]

LnL is right to point out that family law attorneys and criminal defense attorneys do different work;  make sure you have a good criminal defense attorney, and handle that case first.  If you try to move the custody case forward before the criminal case is settled, you will have two strikes against you.

Thanks Matt. Can you explain what you mean by I'll have 2 strikes against me? The evidence I have for the criminal case will be the same used in family court. I need to deal with custody quickly because the girls start school in the fall and I don't want my stbxBPDw to take the girls to another state to 'visit' for part of the summer. I'm afraid she'll try to keep them and I'm also afraid for their safety when they're with her.

I have 2 great lawyers. 1 criminal and 1 family. The plan is to depose her. She won't able to deny eye witness reports of her punching me last December, nor will she be able to deny the things in her medical and mental health history, or the cut scars on her legs and arms.

2) This is a question for your attorney.  (I'm not a lawyer and nobody here can give you legal advice.)  But you might also consider what my lawyer recommended:  we filed a motion and the court appointed a Custody Evaluator - a Ph.D. psychologist who administered psych evals to both parents.  Make sure that your motion requires the CE to administer objective psych evals, like the MMPI-2;  when a professional interviews someone with BPD they might get fooled.  Also, make sure your motion calls for both psych evals to be turned over to both sides, so the results can be taken into account.  You can find scholarly research showing that a parent with BPD puts the child at much, much higher long-term risk - substance abuse, psychological disorders, etc.

Sometimes she is high functioning so I'm worried about relying on the MMPI-2 or some random psychologist. She knows exactly what to say to fool the doctors into thinking that she doesn't have BPD. The new doctors she had been seeing since we moved apparently don't believe that she has BPD. She has recently been changing doctors until she'd find one she could fool. The only way a doctor would form an opinion that she doesn't have BPD is if my stbxBPDw didn't admit to or tell the truth about her self harm or violent behavior or any of the other 7 indicators for BPD found in the DSM. She has all 9 indicators for BPD.

Do you have any suggestions for where to search for the scholarly research showing that a parent with BPD puts the child at much higher long-term risk?

[Matt]

If the criminal case isn't settled, and you try to move the custody case forward, the court will see you as a man (one strike) who is probably violent (two strikes).

I think you're right to block your wife from taking the kids out of state.  Your lawyer should be able to file a motion like that - ask the court to rule that neither parent can take the kids out of state til the case is settled.

You might also be able to get "temporary orders" - a parenting schedule and other rules to apply while the custody case is pending.

Make sure that if the DV issue is raised, you and your lawyer are both prepared to immediately state, "The DV accusation is false and not supported by evidence." or whatever is the truth.  Don't be passive or the court will assume it's true.

I think your plan to depose her is excellent and will help your case a lot!

[Matt]

Sometimes she is high functioning so I'm worried about relying on the MMPI-2 or some random psychologist. She knows exactly what to say to fool the doctors into thinking that she doesn't have BPD. The new doctors she had been seeing since we moved apparently don't believe that she has BPD. She has recently been changing doctors until she'd find one she could fool. The only way a doctor would form an opinion that she doesn't have BPD is if my stbxBPDw didn't admit to or tell the truth about her self harm or violent behavior or any of the other 7 indicators for BPD found in the DSM. She has all 9 indicators for BPD.

This is exactly why the MMPI-2 is needed:  because it is objective and cannot be fooled (I think).

My wife and I took the MMPI-2.  When it's scored, there are several "scales" which show the results for each type of disorder - borderline, narcissistic, etc.

There are also (if I remember correctly) three "truth" scales - three ways the responses can be analyzed to see if the person took the test honestly.

My wife's results showed that she "presented falsely" (that is, lied) on the test.  But it was still able to show that she had "multiple psychological disorders" including BPD.

I agree with you that relying on a psychologist or other professional to see through your wife's baloney is risky.  Using objective information is wise.

[Matt]

Do you have any suggestions for where to search for the scholarly research showing that a parent with BPD puts the child at much higher long-term risk?

One way is to start with the footnotes in "Understanding The Borderline Mother".

Another is to do an internet search - you can probably find quite a few relevant papers.

To get the information into evidence, you may need to find an expert witness.  If you find the expert witness now, you can ask her for the research - she may already have it.

[vtwin9471]

Do you have any suggestions for where to search for the scholarly research showing that a parent with BPD puts the child at much higher long-term risk?

One way is to start with the footnotes in "Understanding The Borderline Mother".

Another is to do an internet search - you can probably find quite a few relevant papers.

To get the information into evidence, you may need to find an expert witness.  If you find the expert witness now, you can ask her for the research - she may already have it.

Thank you Matt. For the first time in weeks, I am beginning to have some hope. The expert witness is key. I think I need to start there.

Regarding the DV coming up in the custody case, I plan to build my case around how she was the perpetrator of the DV in our marriage, present witnesses and medical mental health records to support it, how the BPD diagnosis explains why my stbxBPDw feels like she's the victim and how she concocted this plan to discredit me in order for her to get custody of the kids.

Thanks again for your words of encouragement and advice.

If anyone reading this knows an excellent expert witness relating to BPD, please PM me.

[Matt]

Let me suggest a different strategy.

1.  Find the criteria for custody in your state.  Your lawyer should know them.  If your state doesn't have any, use Minnesota's (which were recently shared on another thread here).

2.  For each of the criteria, assemble evidence that shows you are the more capable parent.  Focus 90% on positive stuff about your own parenting, and 10% on negative stuff about the other party.

3.  One of the criteria will be something like "Physical and mental health of both parents".  That's where you can bring in the objective psych eval results and other stuff.

4.  In the meantime, make sure you are meeting all the kids' needs every day - food, exercise, stimulation, financial, home, emotional, education, etc.

If you try to make the case about ":)ad vs. Mom" or "Who's more responsible for the DV?" you will be seen as focused on the conflict not the kids.

Focus mostly on the kids!

[vtwin9471]

Let me suggest a different strategy.

1.  Find the criteria for custody in your state.  Your lawyer should know them.  If your state doesn't have any, use Minnesota's (which were recently shared on another thread here).

2.  For each of the criteria, assemble evidence that shows you are the more capable parent.  Focus 90% on positive stuff about your own parenting, and 10% on negative stuff about the other party.

3.  One of the criteria will be something like "Physical and mental health of both parents".  That's where you can bring in the objective psych eval results and other stuff.

4.  In the meantime, make sure you are meeting all the kids' needs every day - food, exercise, stimulation, financial, home, emotional, education, etc.

If you try to make the case about ":)ad vs. Mom" or "Who's more responsible for the DV?" you will be seen as focused on the conflict not the kids.

Focus mostly on the kids!

You are absolutely correct. The custody case is about the kids; not solely the DV.

[catnap]

Try Googling "Psychology Expert Witness" in your area or state.   The few I went to have a search feature--I used "Borderline Personality" and will give you the names of experts and their credentials. 

There are quite a few companies in the legal expert witness business, so with any luck, you should be able to find several in your area or state. 

I would definitely ask your attorney how he/she goes about finding an expert witness, and how expert witnesses are viewed by the local family law judges.

[delusionalxox]

I have no advice that has not already been given by better informed people- but just wanted to extend my   and sympathies.

I was trained by feminist academics in my field (family law! UK family law)... . but the whole 'male-only domestic violence' thing NEVER rang true for me- because I grew up with a BPD mum, and I knew how destructive they can be. My mum never got physically violent... . but she did everything else.  And if my doormat dad had ever stood up to her god knows what she would have done. Probably just melted down... . but you never know.

I think that the struggle men have re children and criminal accusations with BPD wives/gfs is just horrendous. We need to redefine 'domestic violence'.

The very best of luck to you and your children sir.

[sfbayjed]

2. When you get to the point of seeing either a court mediator or a custody evaluator, they will ask for the releases . You will be able to request who they talk to at that point. Verify that because every state is different.

This means that months from now when you end up going to a custody evaluator or other such person who is going to take a good look at you, your ex, your stories, ect.  That person is going to ask you who you would like them to talk to, witnesses, therapist, friends. That person is going to want to ask for you to sign releases so he/she can have a pow wow with all the therapist involved with your family and try to figure out what is really going on.

[rj47]

"I have been with my diagnosed stbxBPDw for nine years. I let her beat me 4-5 times a year for over 8 years. I would try to protect myself until I could either get away from her or she would stop. Only a couple of times could you tell I had been beaten but I only have pictures from one incident that happened a couple of years ago. This is very difficult for me to admit."

Its a very hard thing to admit brother... . I get it. The last time I allowed my wife to beat me our 22 year son said he could finally take no more and told her he would call the police since next time Dad was too much a weakling to do so. I'm 6'1", 210lbs and lift three times a week. She's 5'3", 100lbs. Its shameful and humiliating that I could allow my children to see this for almost 20 years.  She cried for days seeing the black & blue, swollen and scabbed over mess she had made to my face. Nevertheless, within a few days she said was going to report an incident with the police saying she had bruises on her arms where I had restrained her.

You're out, so I cannot offer advice other to "run" when it gets violent. Laws provide almost no protection (or resumption of) for men.

Don't know about the legality of it in your state, but you might consider loading a phone application that allows you to record your future interactions with her. The law may not recognize the admissibility of it, but any cop hears the recording of her raging, chasing, hitting, accusing, threatening, etc... . its going to get their attention and may be the tool that keeps you from being cuffed and carted off in the future.

I suspect she will raise the stakes now that she does not have direct access and attempt to bait you into a situation. Protect your kids and use every avenue to get them back. If she has a formal diagnosis, I expect it will be a powerful piece of evidence in your favor. If not full custody, then; partial.

Good luck and God Bless.

rj

[vtwin9471]

Don't know about the legality of it in your state, but you might consider loading a phone application that allows you to record your future interactions with her. The law may not recognize the admissibility of it, but any cop hears the recording of her raging, chasing, hitting, accusing, threatening, etc... . its going to get their attention and may be the tool that keeps you from being cuffed and carted off in the future.

I may have had a recording of an incident but I'm not sure if she would have known that I was potentially recording it. My attorney says that I should never record anyone without them knowing and consenting to the recording because it is a violation of Federal wiretapping laws; a felony in any state in the nation that carries prison sentences in Federal prison. This is not legal advice.

That being said, it's a shame something like that is against the law in your own house! I'm tired of being victimized; first by my wife and now by the system.

[ForeverDad]

Federal laws on recording or wiretapping... . My understanding is that it restricts recordings without the approval of someone who is part of the conversation.  This is most often applied in serious criminal cases.  Most members here, I would venture to say, are not criminals.

State laws vary, some are two party states, some are one party states, but there may be exceptions.  For example, an abuser should not be protected if the target or victim decides to use recordings to document the abuse.  Yes, courts would rather avoid the whole thing but the fact is that most DV happens in private settings, precisely why the abuser/controller feels free to misbehave.

From a practical staNPDoint, I think it's rare for someone to be charged for trying to protect oneself.  I've been here several years and many here have recorded (carefully, not shoving a recorder in the other's face of course) but only in maybe a handful of cases did a member report a judge ordering them to stop recording.  I don't recall anyone going to jail for recording.

Also, so many devices record today - cell phones, MP3 recorders, cameras, video cameras, pencams, etc - that an expectation of not being recorded is small and being prosecuted for recording the contact with risk of conflict is small too.

When you compare the relatively small risk of legal consequences and the larger risk of undocumented abuse, DV, threats, arrest, etc, then a person in most cases can make a reasonable decision whether to record or not.

Of course, voice mails are not at issue since there is no reasonable expectation of later privacy.

[Matt]

Yeah, I think your lawyer may be exaggerating.  I'm not an attorney and nobody here can give you legal advice, but I think if you check, as FD suggests, you'll probably find that your state either allows audio recording if one party (you) is aware of it, or in some states it's not OK unless both parties know.  Even in that case, you could send the other party an e-mail stating "All our phone calls and in-person conversations from now on will be audio-recorded to protect myself from false accusations.", that might cover you.

Maybe talk with a different lawyer - some offer a free initial consultation - and see what you can find out.  Or research your state's law online.

I don't believe the federal government is going to prosecute you for audio-recording a conversation you are part of.

By the way, the laws are significantly different for video-recording, in some states.  You can't assume that if you find out how it works with audio, it would be the same for video.

My state requires both parties to be aware they are being recorded, but I asked my attorney and she said, "It really depends on what is on the recording.  If it's something very serious, the court may admit it as evidence even if it's technically not legal, because it's useful to the case."

Two issues here - what is admissible and when it's legal to record.  Best to find out your state's law and how the courts usually act.