Financial Issues - Like it or lump it?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After we got married last year and before he was diagnosed, I suggested we join the financial side of things. I knew at the time he had several thousand $ worth of debt and that some of it was in default while I am financially secure. He had just been diagnosed with, and medicated for, ADHD and I thought   things, financially at least, would start to get under control.

Within the first few months, he began withdrawing hundreds of $ as acts of retaliation and when he hacked up his credit card in front of me, I decided not to renew it. Prior to this he opened his own accounts and diverted his pay into them, and then began paying a contribution to the household at times and not at others. He demanded his financial independence, he insisted to was how he wanted things, and I adjusted provided he made a contribution.

Yesterday, I found out he has been applying for credit for the last 12 months and despite being rejected many times, he has just been approved. He cannot have disclosed his debt because he just doesn't earn enough to cover his lifestyle and debt on his salary. He is impulsive and highly irresponsible with money and now we are married I will be responsible for his debt.

I said it was hard to trust him because he had been planning this for a long time and never discussed it with me. I said I was fearful of being legally responsible for his debt. After that, he said if I didn't want to hold accounts with him, he would do what he wanted. Unfortunately, I lost it after that and got very angry.

Maybe I can't have my cake and eat it too. I feel really betrayed. 

[HoldingAHurricane]

After we got married last year and before he was diagnosed, I suggested we join the financial side of things. I knew at the time he had several thousand $ worth of debt and that some of it was in default while I am financially secure. He had just been diagnosed with, and medicated for, ADHD and I thought   things, financially at least, would start to get under control.

Within the first few months, he began withdrawing hundreds of $ as acts of retaliation and when he hacked up his credit card in front of me, I decided not to renew it. Prior to this he opened his own accounts and diverted his pay into them, and then began paying a contribution to the household at times and not at others. He demanded his financial independence, he insisted to was how he wanted things, and I adjusted provided he made a contribution.

Yesterday, I found out he has been applying for credit for the last 12 months and despite being rejected many times, he has just been approved. He cannot have disclosed his debt because he just doesn't earn enough to cover his lifestyle and debt on his salary. He is impulsive and highly irresponsible with money and now we are married I will be responsible for his debt.

I said it was hard to trust him because he had been planning this for a long time and never discussed it with me. I said I was fearful of being legally responsible for his debt. After that, he said if I didn't want to hold accounts with him, he would do what he wanted. Unfortunately, I lost it after that and got very angry.

Maybe I can't have my cake and eat it too. I feel really betrayed. 

[HoldingAHurricane]

I suppose I am wondering how I can protect myself from his irresponsibility and use of money as a weapon to hurt me and if I am being unreasonable is asking that he not rack up debt he cannot afford when the legal onus will be on me to pay it back. I don't want to end up having people chasing me for debts I never incurred and that be the first I have heard of it. I know realistically he can continue to do whatever he wants and I have no control over that but how can I communicate with him about it and have a reasonable boundary to enforce to protect myself.

[dickL]

uBPDw 35yrs tomorrow . during our long marriage we both amounted 25-30 k of credit card debts . she would always say that was peanuts compared to her friends . w wanted nice things now and pay later, i eventually felt the same . she said she used things to replace the lack of connection in our r/s , all my fault she said. anyhow she ran off w current bf in 2010 , bad decisions w her 35 S a heroin addict , bad business partnership racked up thousands in debt . she returned 3 mos later and the phones were off the hook ringing from collectors . she'd quit her 2 jobs and our income fell 50%. she has again run off w same bf . i've talked to several attorneys,  T , friends . advice was divorce was not a good option for me at this point and taking financial precautions . i paid large part off most debt and she owes thousands to irs now. we own our home with some equity in it and had joint checking acct. i closed checking acct and opened one in my name only . i informed collectors even though i'm her hubby , i will not honor her debts and they needed to communicate w her and gave them her cell # etc. changed life ins beneficiary, diluted auto coverage. any debt in your spouse's name and his ssn are his ( w's large irs bill ) , you're not obligated . you should get legal advice and get a T if you haven't yet . take care of yourself and your health !

[HoldingAHurricane]

Thanks I do have a therapist who I see regularly. I am not sure how I would survive without regular therapy. I also got some advice as you suggested and I am not legally obligated for his debt providing my name isn't on any of the documents. My house is also in my name so he can't borrow against it and I have all my bank accounts in my name only.

This being the case, I have agreed with his assertion that his finances are none of my business outside him covering the cost of being here. I have reiterated that I am not able to share finances with someone I can't trust and this incident has further damaged my ability to trust him. It's a relief to know I am safe from him financially.