Stuck, confused and facing a choice

[Whichwayisup]

Hi Guys,

(Wasn't sure where to post this as I have been on detaching for the most recent time)

I come to a crossroads over the last few days, my USTBXW has concluded her 2 1/2 month affair and told me she's realised what a terrible mistake she has made.  She has acknowledged her terrible behaviour and is seeking to make amends. (she claims to have left him and he is wanting her back - I hoipe to have this confimrmed in the next few days).

I am understandably sceptical and have told her there's simply no trust there, she would have to prove otherwise - we are to parent for the next 15 years at the very least.  As I knew what to expect I thought this might come, I think she is genuine, she has awareness of her emotional difficulties and confessed to me back in January of her fear of being sectioned and inability to control her feeling from one minute to the next" - as I noted in my initial postings, the hurt she caused me is immeasurable and I promised my boundary was fidelity, which she has trampled all over.  I could see her dysregulated mood and the build-up to the affair so can see her sabotaging mood in full flow. 

She is now living in another house and we are 50/50 parenting (predominantly). I am enjoying the quiet house and the lack of black clouds that would circle whilst she was there - and I promised myself I wouldn't have another relationship (unless with myself) for the foreseeable 9 months... .

I know this is most likely a recycle attempt and she may well not mean it - but most advice suggests they cannot (due to the disorder) feel remorse and want to get help - has anyone actually taken back a cheating spouse who has gone into treatment and worked to save the relationship?  I have told her her actions will need to convince me otherwise.

I know the question is why would I even want to- I recognise that I have already had to change and recognise my CD traits, I will never have another relationship like this, neither with her or anyone else, I feel like I don't know what I want so am considering delaying the divorce to give her an opportunity to prove herself to back up the words she offers (papers served on her yesterday)- she says she doesn't want a divorce and I expected that response due to her abandonment fears - serving doesn't seem to have escalated her behaviour as I had anticipated.

Surely the easiest thing for her to do is go back to the other guy or even find another ? (she still might once she realises just what it might take in order to recover... . )she has advised me she will be seeking help.  Whilst there's not many success stories, and no guarantees even if she was in treatment that things would work out - has

anyone been able to work on themselves, have their BPD seek treatment and then make a go of things and of course change the relationship dynamic?

I'm stuck believing that she can change (or at least affording her the opportunity whilst maintaining my newly found boundaries, confused on whether this is a 1% 0.001%) or me simply delaying the final detachment.

Whichwayisup

[morningagain]

Hi WWIU

I am in a similar situation.  My dBPDw has started therapy.  She has been living off and on with her bf since our separation in August.  Even now, again, she is back with him.  Yet, she still talks to me about reconciling.

Her therapist told her she should have nothing to do with me.  Well, I was a very good husband for years.  Then I gave up.  Then I left but tried to get back together.  Over the last few years I have done a number of hurtful things.  And it would not be surprising if she embellished the stupid things I did, and is still blaming me for a myriad of things I never did do - all to her therapist.  Nevertheless, he may be very correct in his advice.

I have met with the therapist before, before the separation, and he is, in my limited experience, excellent.  Her description today of her session certainly bolstered my confidence in him.  A part of me is relieved he is telling her to stay away from me, and a part is rather unhappy.  No matter, at least in the present.  Her BPD push/pull/fear of abandonment/keeping me as a backup plan drives her to keep calling me.  Hopefully there is some love in her for me as well.  Whether we ever reconcile or not.

For myself, I have felt everything you have expressed to such extreme emotional pain levels that I broke my toe and did not feel the physical pain, then snapped it back.  And still did not feel the physical pain.  Foot was purple for several weeks and all I felt was pressure from the swelling.  I am happy to report I stubbed my toe yesterday - it barely bled, but it hurt.  I am still a mess, but I am making some progress.

Presently, I have a laundry list of emotional/psychological diagnoses.  My own codependency played a big role in the relationship spiral into pain and chaos.  I can get better and rebuild my life, but it will take work.

Will she attain some degree of healing in therapy?  I don't know.  If so, will she still want me back?  I don't know.  I will heal and become healthier and more mature.  Will I want her back?  I don't know.

I do know that I can only change myself, that the road is painful and takes real work to change and to heal, but that if I do not work on my own issues/unhealthy behaviors & thoughts & emotions, my life will be miserable and painful with or without her.

[GreenMango]

I think you are in a great position here.  Setting the hurt aside for a moment - it sounds like you've come to terms with having to walk away and just focus on your child and you if you need to.  I think this is the thing most, myself included, battled with the most.  When is enough enough?  And knowing when it is.

Based on her actions (not her promises) you can ask for and stipulate what your terms are for this reunion. You have an opportunity to male demands, she may not rise to them but you can make them.   Be honest, give it thought to what you need, and set set benchmarks for your expectations.  Only get as emotionally involved as her behavior allows.  Consider your demands so to speak and stand by them.  You are entitled to discern what you allow in your and your child's life.  Make it count.

Im a believer in letting people show you.  Talk is cheap - even parrots talk.  

[Whichwayisup]

Thanks GreenMango,

I have met up last Friday with her to hammer out a parenting plan and again this morning to finalise before a mediation session tomorrow. 

She seems to accept the responsibility for her actions and seems to be genuinely remorseful to what the kids have been put through (although a 10 week affair, she sees it as 5 as he wasn’t there half the time!) She claims to be honest and has acknowledged that it's easier to push people away as "everyone" leaves her, name checking her bioD and eldest S's bio dad (I adopted him as part of our marriage).

I do feel more in control but have been careful not to diagnose, except to tell her how she feels is normal and I could predict her behaviours even down to the affair.

I still do not know what I want but can much clearer;

- identify her illogical statements and tell her I understand why she feels that way

- see the attempts to move my newly made boundaries

- engage in sexual behaviour  -requesting to just go to bed without discussion

All I have dealt with and highlighted that these are the typical behaviours that have brought us problems in the past and we need to work on each others as individuals before we can even contemplate an "us".  I am also wary that I could now be the object constancy so am keen to limit my engagement to her - the parenting plan is my protection whilst I learn and develop more as a stronger person.  I am perplexed as to whether she has finally hit rock bottom in order to address her issues or if she is mirroring me- perhaps that's part of a natural confusion?

I don't know what the future holds for either of us and have told her there's no guarantees but she has requested help and I respect that and have told her I understand how difficult it must be, and that I can't do it for her, no matter how either of us may want it.  I am alternating sometimes during the day between thinking we can try and make a go of it and at other times, thinking I should cut and run... .   one huge surprise was the physical attraction I felt when we were toghetr on Friday - she ended by asking what would I say if she asked me back to hers... . I honestly replied that I can't but didn't mean I hadn't thought about it... . difficult to shake that feeling even after everything

Whichwayisup