S8 in RTC fiancee wants out

[ProfDaddy]

Made some horrible mistakes in life lately.  Here's the back story.  Engaged to what seemed to be a stable and supportive woman.  Since engagement, S8 has lost control completely and has been in a residential treatment facility for 3 months.  He's diagnosed now with bipolar, they're changing medications, trying to stabilize him.  Then we'll try a less intensive residential treatment center & school to get him back on track.  The challenge is that since S8 is gone, the focus is now on behavior of D11, who is first of all traumatized and second of all was able to get away with immature behavior because the focus was always on her dysfunctional brother. 

Fiancee is now unhappy and panicked all the time, sees the work it will take D11 to heal, afraid of S8 returning sometime, and now doesn't like living with moody children and the threat of returning dysfunctional children.  She said last night that living with my children was more unpleasant than her wife beating ex-husband.  When we were dating and living separately, she loved the children.  The kind compassionate woman, supportive of me and the children, is now no longer kind and compassionate -- not since we moved in together and share a home.  Problem is that we each sold our houses and bought a larger home together. 

The fiancee is not adjusting, she and D11 are at odds, and the stress of arranging care for S8 is getting to everyone (even though I am managing it and it isn't really a burden on anyone else).  Fiancee has lost hope and sunk into depression; acts out towards everyone else over little things.  Wish I knew this before I sold my house.  My daughter and I are not going to live with this nonsense on top of the other nonsense we already have to deal with. 

So, should I give up one month into the new family, sell the larger house, and move into an apartment with my D11?  I am really angry at this point.  Long-term, when S8 is done with treatment, he will wind up back in my home, I have primary custody of both children.  If fiancee can't manage D11 and healing some of her emotional damage, then re-integrating S8 in a year will be even worse.   Oh well, hindsight is 20/20, I should have stayed as a single dad.  Now I can spend the rest of the money I have saved to get back into a small house on my own with the kids. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mamachelle]

ProfDaddy,

I've been following your story. A lot going on here. I know others here can relate to the way hospitalization or RTC removes the child from the home and suddenly the blinders are gone. Last year when SS15 was hospitalized it strained everyone in my big blended family. 6 kids, yours, mine ours. We were 5 years in to the marriage at that point and I think it brought a lot of things to the surface. Anger, blame, fear, absent yet everpresent BPDmom, other kids mental illness, more fear, depression and then hours and hours of trying to get the least stressful solutions for returning SS to school and life. A year and a few months later we are doing better, he is doing better, but I live in ever vigilance and my view of a good day for SS15 is a much lower standard than what I have for my own DD 13 and 16 who have a BPD dad but function well in school and are good kids with friends and are resilient teens.

We are all doing better now but not without a herculean effort on my and my H's part to reduce stress for all in the house and attend to our other kids and our jobs. In other words, no place for relationship drama or friction, just rolling up the shirt sleeves and doing the work.

I hope for the best for you and your kids. I think you need to be prepared for your fiance to have a change of heart once she sees this ending if that is the way you are heading. Some of her behaviors are sounding a bit BPD ish-- so please be careful.

mamachelle

[twojaybirds]

My advice is to slow down.

She has made some strong statements that look like    to me.  You have a lot of work to do with your children.  Be wary of taking on more than you can emotionally handle.

If she is the woman for you and your children than she will be there in a few months.

[Thursday]

profdaddy,

You have so much going on. Would that it were easier for all involved.

As a step-mom, I feel maybe a little something extra for your fiancée. When I first came into my situation, we didn't know that my SD's behavior was going to get worse. I thought I could help to make it better.

She was older than your son and our situation not so exacerbated. SD has never been in residential treatment although we did send her to a "wilderness therapy camp" for nine weeks when she was 15/16.

Joining a situation where there is so much going on may seem like a loving, good idea but the truth is, it can take a lot away from a person. I've asked myself a few times if I was nutz to take this on. I love my husband, love my step-daughter. I came to this after losing my first husband to cancer after a long stint as caretaker... . so the questions about what I was getting myself into were taken very seriously. I was in my 50s when we joined together and consider myself wise (just sayin)

and since SD was older it was maybe easier because I knew her time under our roof was limited, not so many years to endure. We still have issues with SD but she isn't under our roof.

What I'm trying to say is that I can see where your fiancée is coming from at the same time I see that your focus needs to be more singular. You are the advocate for your son and you must not waver.

Can you and your fiancée find someone to advise and help, a safe place for her to speak of her fears, a safe place for you to speak yours? 

Not sure if this post can help but I felt like I should say something.

Thursday

[griz]

Wow, you have so much on your plate right now.  I think Thursday's advice sounds wonderful.  Maybe a place where you and your finance could talk and she could unravel her feelings.  I don't think most people truly understand the work that goes into helping our kids and it can be a scary place.  That being said, your fiance's behavior needs to be looked at also.  The last thing you need is to add more to your plate. 

Take your time and really evaluate the situation.  Don't make any rash decisions and please take time to take care of yourself. 

I will keep you in my thoughts,

Griz

[hoping4hope]

2nd wife here, asking that you give your fiance more time.

I love my husband and know in my guts we belong together,

but sometimes looking at the future with the BPD in his family is very depressing. My self protection detector jumps up to ask what the heck are you doing? I always end up anwering that he is my husband and I am where I belong. It will be the rest of her life working with these huge issues in your family, give her time to figure it out. And if she can't do it, who can hold it against her.