Hi, I'm new here but hoping to find some good outcomes in custody cases that will serve as encouragment. I have an almost 11 month old daughter with my undiagnosed ex-boyfriend. He is fighting for joint physical custody, we currently have joint legal which was granted in April 2013 after he filed in October of 2012. He currently sees our daughter 2 evenings per week for 2 1/2 hours and for 7 hours on the weekend. I have been pushing for a psych eval; so far my request has not been granted but we were ordered to attend co-parenting counseling and have been attending since late April 2013. The therapist wrote up a thorough report earlier this month stating that my concerns about my ex's ability to parent are warrented and that he is not currently effective in co-parenting. She went on to say he has some significant mental/emotional impairment which requires further testing to properly identify. She said he exhibits bizaar/odd social behavior, is guarded and inconsistent and he demonstrates lapses in parenting judgment that pose a risk to our our daughter's well-being. She suggests a complete psychological evaluation and supervised parenting time. Unfortunately, the evaluator said he would not read the report, but instead scheduled an evidentiary hearing for late July to bring the therapist to testify. The evaluator also included in our updated custody order that my ex must feed our daughter between regular meal times (and listed them out for him), ordered him to keep a food log of what he's feeding her with amounts (because he has a history of not feeding her and/or offering her pureed peas over and over again in spite of her refusing and then just deciding she must not be hungry), and ordered that prior to any overnights being considered he has to obtain a crib for her (he's been fighting for joint physical custody since October, but still doesn't have a bed or pretty much anything else for her). He was also ordered to provide direct supervision of her at all times because he put her in her infant car carrier on the hood of the car, let go and turned away. His actions don't match his words and it seems to me that he's just using her to try to control me. I'm hoping somebody else has had a similar situation and can tell me that the court will really care about what's best for my daughter and not just about his right to parent. I'd appreciate any feedback. Thank you.
You have a lot of things in your favor already. In many cases, what is temporarily agreed to becomes permanent. The severity with which they are treating your ex suggests that the focus is going to be on whether or not he can pull it together. They are giving him just enough guidance to see if he can handle the minimum amount.
A lot of courts favor mothers during the "tender years," which is the age your daughter is. It does differ by state and, to an extent county, and by judge, etc. But from what you've shared, it sounds like they are highly dubious that your ex can adequately parent.
And yes, he is using your daughter so he can control you. Classic BPD behavior for those of us who share custody. If I were you, I would go for full legal custody, otherwise he will use that to hurt you. Every time you want to make a major decision on behalf of your daughter, and need his permission, he will obstruct it, not matter what kind of harm it causes your daughter.
I left my N/BPDxh 2.5 years ago. We settled financial stuff, I got primary physical custody, but refused to agree to joint legal. In a few weeks, we go before the judge to have it settled, and I'm glad I didn't relent because it makes it easier to fight for. If you've already agreed to it, it's not the end of the world. Just keep documenting everything, and don't be surprised if this custody stuff goes on for years. Keep your eye on the goal: to get full primary and legal custody, and supervised visitation for your daughter. I have so much documented, and N/BPDxh has behaved so badly, that I have a fairly decent case.
Anything can happen, but I'm hoping to have full legal custody in a month. You have many years of parenting left to go, so go for as much as you possibly can.
