HELP

[Tired68]

ok so she has not contacted me since june 7th and her things are here, we have a house , her name on it, she is not being responsible with the mortgage and is not paying. I WANT TO CALL HER PLEASE HELP ME NOT TOO! she lied and betrayed me and cheated on me. I started watching video's on BPD and now i am starting to feel sorry for her and want to reach out... . please guys talk me out of it... . I am falling into rescuer mode again... .

[Want2know]

Let's start with the question of 'are you planning on moving out', and are you a co-signer on the mortgage?

[Tired68]

no my name is not on anything, i now have been paying the utilities. we left the townhouse we were living in and that was mine to get something bigger because there was a 2 dog min and we have 4 little guys. so my credit is declining because of it , i stopped making payments 6 months ago. now she runs off and here i am not knowing what to do... .

[clover528]

Tired, Try and remain strong. I can sympathize because I have been consumed with thoughts of my uBPDex for so long. The last few days have been the worst. I go through cycles of wanting to reach out and help, or being scared upon remembering what he is capable of and how often I have been terrified he would do something horrible to me or someone I love. You can't save her. She has to identify her own issue and save herself and it can take a very long time and years of dedication on HER part for that to occur. I can love him and support him til the cows come home and that will not get him the help and therapy and care he needs to heal. Know you are in good company here. Keep reading. It will give you something to focus on besides her. At the same time you will gain more insight and quite possibly get strong enough to make it through one more hour. Yes, I just take it one hour at a time. Stay strong. I do feel for you and understand wanting to rescue her. We can't recue them. We can only learn how to save ourselves and heal.

[Want2know]

So is your name on the rental agreement at the townhouse?  Just being practical here, for a moment.

[Tired68]

the townhouse is mine its in my name and the mortgage is mine. i have not payed, it is on the market on a short sale. and no prospects. we left because we needed something bigger , her name is on the new house mortgage as well as the bills. and she took off after i busted her and has made no attempt to pay the bills. i cannot afford this house on my own.

[MovingOn311]

If your name isn't on that mortgage, do yourself a favor and start to detach and get as far away as your can from this person.

Also, why do you feel the need to reach out to her?  What is your motive?  

If you feel she does have BPD, do yourself a favor and read as much as you can about it to educate yourself as how to handle the situation.

The consensus here as to reaching out and helping someone with BPD seems to be a futile effort if your motive is to show her that you really care about her, want her to realize she has BPD and hope that the relationship will get better.  Many people have tried this and the outlook has not looked very good for the nons or people who don't have BPD.

You come to a great forum and the people here are very knowledgeable and have been through the same as you.  

[Tired68]

I put the money down on this new house , furnished it, she bought one chair! , I am just so scattered because we have not been here a year, I CANT AFFORD IT ON MY OWN. she has not called since june 7th! she walked away from her responsibility and we have 4 DOGS! I am so stressed out ! leave ? where am I gonna go with 4 dogs and my credit score taking a nose dive... . this is my dilemma... . and all of her clothes , shoes and important documents are here... . why is she being a coward and not facing her responsibility

[MovingOn311]

Well, stay in the house as long as you can and if you can't afford the mortgage, don't pay for it.  It's not going to ruin your credit.

I totally feel for you, I was in your shoes last year.  Wife left unexpectedly, left me with all the bills, got a lawyer and was pushing to get the house in my name even though I couldn't afford it at the time.  Luckily, I got a better paying job and it allowed me to refinance on my own, but before that, I was a mess and exactly in your shoes.

Do yourself a favor and reach out to your family or friends for support.  Staying in your house stewing about it will not help at all.  If you can, contact a therapist, and talk about your situation.  This helped me tremendously with everything and put everything into perspective. 

BPD is a condition that will make your head spin trying to figure everything out.  Dealing with a person with an irrational thinking process and trying to make sense of it all is just crazy.

[Tired68]

oh my head is def spinning , I feel like my world has come crashing down on me. This is by far the hardest thing for me . I loved that woman to death, would have done anything for her, I feel lost and alone. I know people say things get better, but I really dont think that i can love anyone else like i did her. I am pathetic.

[MovingOn311]

Your going to feel like your world is crashing down for the first month or so, I know, I was there.

The first two weeks I was literally on the couch curled up.  I lost 20 pounds in those two weeks from not being able to eat because I was so torn up about the situation and couldn't wrap my head around how she could just get up and leave like she did.

Trust me, time heals.  It doesn't seem like it now because your fresh in it, but it does and will get better.  Trying to talk to her about it will only prolong your pain.  I was stuck in the rescuing mode at first because I felt, as a husband, I should stand by wife and be supportive.  But my therapists said, because of the illness, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.  They hardly ever realize they have a problem. 

Im willing to bet that if you do talk to her, she is going to blame you for 100% of why she cheated and why the relationship ended the way it did.  Even though she is in the wrong with what she has done, she will make up anything she can to justify her actions and will blame you for why she did what she did. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS!  Its usually all BS because they can never blame themselves for any wrong doing.

Talk to friends about your situation and try to remove yourself from it rationally.  Its time now to take care of yourself and do what you can to heal.  If I were in your shoes, I would be calling family and friends for support.  Try finding a place to live temporarily (family/friends). For the dogs, if they are preventing you from finding a place, is it possible to put them up for adoption, giving them to a local SPCA due to your current situation? 

Have you tried calling the bank/mortgage company and see if its possible to remove the house for short sale and try to continue to make payments?  Im sure they would be more than willing to work with you than have it on the market. 

I don't know your current situation if your married or not, but if you are married, I would talk to a lawyer and tell him she has been cheating and you have proof.  If your not married, just be careful. You really don't know what these poeple can be capable of. 

[eniale]

Therapy would be of great help now.  Many counties have a Family Service Association where counseling is available on a sliding scale.  Check to see if there is one in the county where you live.  Also, for legal help, call your local Bar Association and get the number for Legal Aid and see if you can also get a referral for a Legal Aid attorney who specializes in real estate.  Not sure if your urge to get in contact with her is financial or emotional, but the two suggestions above might help on both counts.  Personally, I would say that no contact is the best way to go.  If she has BPD, contact may only bring you further down emotionally.  In my own situation, my ex has the ability to hurt me tremendously and I have come to think of him as toxic.  He will never take responsibility for anything he has done and your ex probably will not, either.  And lastly, keep reading the posts on here.  Especially in the beginning, I found this site to be very helpful.  If you are hung up on her emotionally, try and locate "Clinging to the words you loved to hear."  Reading that helped me greatly.  If you are a normal person & have given your heart to someone, it is natural to feel they are living in the same reality as you, but they are NOT.  The behavior is irrational and extremely hurtful.  Good luck!  I hope things get better for you quickly, and try to look into those referrals.  You need people to talk to; you are going through a tremendous amount of stress.

[Suzn]

Tired I know this is hard and very painful for you. Maybe it's time to start making a plan. Stay in the house until you can find something else. If you need to sell something you own to get yourself in a better place it might be a good idea. Do you have resources such as friends or family who can help with this situation? Someone to keep your dogs, even if not all in the same place, if just temporarily? Try to start pulling your resources together. Get a second job even, I'm guessing you probably have 2 months or so till action is possibly taken on that home.

Take a deep breath and start planning.