Hurting so much

[kelmeg]

My 29 year old daughter and I have always been close, about two years ago she turned on me and it's been downhill from there.  4 months ago she told me she want no contact with me.  I didn't know what happened, but respected her wishes. I saw my granddaughter over at my other daughter's house which prompted an email from my SIL telling me to stay away from the whole family.  I have loved my daughter unconditionally, helped her move several times, taken vacation days to babysit for her, and supported her every step of the way.  It never entered my mind that she might have a mental illness.  I bought and am reading the book, " Stop Walking On Eggshells", this book describes my daughter perfectly.  She lives about 70 miles away, and last weekend when my dad was in the hospital she came to see him.  I didn't say a word to her, but Sunday she followed me out of the hospital and said, "Can you stop acting like I don't exist?"  I said, " I havent existed in your life for the last 4 months", She said, "Can't you just be nice to me."  I said, " You shut me out of your life, you won't let me see my grandkids and you want me to be nice?", "No, sorry, it doesn't work like that"  She stormed off and I havent heard from her since.  I can't do this anymore, I can't be her punching bag and I need to take my life back. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

I can't do this anymore, I can't be her punching bag and I need to take my life back. 

kelmeg  - This is one of the most painful things we suffer as loving mom's. So much you have poured into your DD's life (Dear Daughter). Then the distance created between you and the gkids that you love and that love you. It is almost too much to bear. Do you feel isolated? Like you are doing this alone? Do you have a husband for support? (dh - dear husband) Sometimes others in the family do not experience your D as you do, so they struggle to understand.

There are many parents - moms and dads - here that are living in a similar state. There are ways we can make things better. It does take learning new ways to communicate with our BPDchild (regardless of their age). There are skills that can help make connection a possiblity - while we find ways to take care of ourselves. Self-care was so hard for me to accept when I first came here. Values based boundaries is an important first step - how to stop being the punching bag, preserve what is important to you, and then find ways to validate her emotions - without accepting or agreeing with her actions.

My BPDDD is 27 and these tools and skills have restored a much healthier life for me, and new connections to my DD. Not perfect, yet better. I also have a gd who is turning 8 tomorrow.

Here are a couple of links that might help you get started (click on the blue link):

BOUNDARIES - Living our values    https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries .20

Understanding Validation in Families (a video)     www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDSIYTQX_dk

Please keep coming back to let us know how you are doing. I will be thinking of you.

qcr  

[mggt]

Dear Kelmeg, Your story is so sadly familiar my d is 20 and has a baby we have been dealing with BPD for years , I hear your pain and can almost see it in your eyes .  My d treats my husband and I terribly, everything bad in her life is due to us .  We know we were great parents and still are.  We love our children more than words could ever express and when there is a break in that realationship it hurts to the core, but at the same time we wonder how could they be so cruel to us .  This disease is TERRIBLE not sure what works for cure or for remission so to speak alot of info on this site please read when you can .  Currently having bad time with d up down up down crazy ride.  WE here know how you feel your not alone if that helps and its not you.  They have such a hard time regulating there emotions,  def in the brain somewhere not connecting properly .  So please try and not take it personal it will drive you insane I know Im half way their You have to do what you feel is best for your self and health but remember it is not about you they really dont have the brain power right now to see what they are doing.  Sending you love and tons of hugs hang in there  mggt    

[kelmeg]

It really helps to know I am not alone and there are others struggling with the same issues that I am.  My husband is devastated also. This has torn our family apart.  We spend a lot of holidays alone and I just ache to see my grandbabies.  I feel like I am missing their whole lives.  These boards help so much. Thanks for your support.

[angeldust1]

Dear Kel,

Your story is alarming familiar to most of us here.  Yes it is an illness/disorder,  and unfortunately what you did only made matters worse,  as we all have at some time or another before we understood what we are dealing with. .

Believe me validation and boundaries and... . so much more you will find on this site is the answer. Please do not beat yourself up,  you reacted like any normal person would.  But remember she is not normal,  she has a disorder,  she will always have it,  you can't change it,  but what you can change is how you react to her.  It is the only way you will be able to deal with it and her.

My heart goes out to you,  been there too often to even think. I'm throwing a great big hug your way, your daughter  can't do that right now. 

Take care of yourself first then you will be able to help her.

Angeld

[griz]

Kelmeg:  yes we have all been there, wondering how we try so hard only to get the proverbial slap in the face.  Here is a big hug from me   also and positive thoughts sending your way.

Griz

[kelmeg]

ok so I have read about validation and boundaries.  I feel like I have always validated her feelings with empathy and compassion, even when I think she is wrong.  I don't quite understand boundaries because she is always telling me she needs to put boundaries in place for our relationship such as: Don't buy the kids stuff all of the time, don't put pressure on her to spend every holiday with me.  OK, I can do that but what boundaries do I put in place for her?  She doesn't smoke or drink or do drugs, she takes pretty good care of her kids.  She says she is a Christian who has high morals and values, yet she judges everyone and and does not forgive anyone she thinks has wronged her. How do I try to have a relationship with her now after so many months of no contact.  Maybe she doesn't want me in her life.  I would really be ok with that if I could just see the kids.

[rainbow54]

Hi Kelmeg,

I'm a newbie to this board as well but not to BPD or the pain you are experiencing.  I have a 39 yr old daughter and we have coped with BPD since she was a pre-teen.  I only wish I would have had all the information and support from this site back then.  I now have a 2yr old grandson and am fortunate if/when my daughter lets me see him.  I worry about them both all the time.

I have started to read site material and will focus on what I can do to improve my interactions with my d when she contacts me.  I repeat the serenity prayer many times every day.  And I am trying not to let this take over my entire life again.

I am sorry that you are experiencing this pain.  

[Kate4queen]

ok so I have read about validation and boundaries.  I feel like I have always validated her feelings with empathy and compassion, even when I think she is wrong.  I don't quite understand boundaries because she is always telling me she needs to put boundaries in place for our relationship such as: Don't buy the kids stuff all of the time, don't put pressure on her to spend every holiday with me.  OK, I can do that but what boundaries do I put in place for her?  She doesn't smoke or drink or do drugs, she takes pretty good care of her kids.  She says she is a Christian who has high morals and values, yet she judges everyone and and does not forgive anyone she thinks has wronged her. How do I try to have a relationship with her now after so many months of no contact.  Maybe she doesn't want me in her life.  I would really be ok with that if I could just see the kids.

The boundaries aren't for her, they are for you.

Think about it this way.

Ask yourself-How do I expect to be treated in my own home? Am I okay with someone using foul language in front of me and losing their temper? Am I okay with being emotionally abused by this person?

What am I prepared to put up with in order to have a relationship with this person?

What am I prepared to put up with to have a relationship with my grandchildren?

and-(and this is the important bit)-not expect anything back from my BPD person in return?

Only you know the answers to these questions as only you live in your particular situation.

When you've decided how you would like to be treated, and the occasion arises, spell out calmly and clearly what your boundary is.

For example with my 22 yr old son it came down to "We would love to support you through this difficult time but we just need you to treat us with a modicum of respect in our own house."

Okay, so he couldn't do that, and he walked out, but we stood firm because we finally realized that we, his parents, also deserve the basic human courtesies.

You can only control the 'you' part in this relationship. If she doesn't want to see you, you can't make her, which is terrible, I know.

[kelmeg]

Kate,

Your post helps a lot.  I want to be treated with respect, I deserve it.  I know that if I want to see my grandkids I will have to be her punching bag and do it her way.  I CAN do it but the cycle will continue.  She will set boundaries, find some fault with me, not speak to me for several months, let me back in her life only to do the whole thing over again.  It's emotionally exhausting. 

I have been dealing with a lot of pain lately, my brother passed away unexpectedly, he was my best friend, my dad is really ill,my mom is suffering from dementia, we are trying to find an assisted living for my parents, my other daughter just informed me she is divorcing her husband and becoming a lesbian, I'm in recovery for a gambling addiction, my husband is an alcoholic, and NOT ONCE has she ever asked how IM doing.  It's all about her and how these things affect her life. I get zero support from her.  Is that part of her illness?

[Rapt Reader]

It's all about her and how these things affect her life. I get zero support from her.  Is that part of her illness?

Hi, kelmeg... . First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about your brother, and all the tragedy that is happening lately in your life... . But, yes, that is exactly part of BPD, so it isn't your fault (or even your daughter's technically), it's just how her brain works. As horrible as that is for the rest of the loved ones in her life! Once you read around this site, and get a better understanding of what your daughter is feeling and going through herself, it does help... . Here's a link to a current Post/Thread on this Supporting a Son or Daughter Board that you might find enlightening:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=post;quote=12276450;topic=204271.0;sesc=b05f8ffb3f0ef35ed3a9423e86ed631e

I totally get how sad and frustrating all this is for you... . But keep reading and posting here, and you will find the light at the end of the tunnel   I'm wishing so much that things will get easier for you... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

Hi kelmeg,

I would like to join the welcome party   My dd is 32, and has limited to no contact with us. The behaviour you describe is so familiar.  

In your posts I hear the sort of pain I felt when I first arrived on the boards here. I am sure that like me you feel relieved to know that you are not alone. I am sure that also like me, it is all so confusing.

You have received some excellent advice from people here. I also would like to reassure you that there is hope for you to have an improved relationship with your daughter. I would like to ask if you know how, specifically, we can help you?

You said you have read/are reading "Walking on Eggshells", that was the first book I read too. I would like to recommend to you Valerie Porr's book: "Overcoming BPD." While I was reading that, I interspersed it with reading the articles and workshops available here, there is much to learn. Please make yourself at home on the site and make sure you keep in touch with us all.

I get zero support from her.  Is that part of her illness?

yep. Sadly, as we learn about BPD and how it affects our children, we can begin to see and understand how it affects them and learn to be more compassionate towards both them and ourselves. One of the things we can learn (sometimes it takes a while to realise), is how to meet our own emotional needs.

I used to say that a (pw) person with BPD thinks with their emotions. See, there are studies that show that pw BPD have less neural pathways between their emotional part of their brain, especially the amydala, and their thinking part of their brain (the pre frontal cortex). By the time they are your dd's age, this is a firmly entrenched way of thinking. They have great difficulty managing their emotions and they are living with extraordinary pain as a result. While their behaviours can still hurt us, as we learn more about BPD and more about ourselves, that hurt becomes easier for us and we become more understanding of them and us. The trick to managing BPD in our lives, as others have suggested, is to change the way we do things... . a steep learning curve. 

Boundaries as it was suggested are for our protection. It is important they are clear and they are based on our values. Sometimes it helps to revisit what are the values that are important in our lives... . for me I think the most important value is 'acceptance' and then perhaps 'respect'. Maybe this link can help:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Cheers,

Vivek