Hurt, but lonely - do I let it fade away or do I forgive?

[Peabody]

Hi All,

In my introductory posts, I go into my relationship in depth and include all the beginning details. A short catch up would include that we had broken up due to me constantly giving more in the relationship, though shortly after we reconnected and started seeing each other on an almost daily basis. A couple weeks after the breakup we went on a two thousand mile road trip together across the US and had a wonderful time together and I barely had to deal with any borderline symptoms from her. On the way home she had humbly told me she loved me and I felt our connection was strengthened to what it used to be.

I began to read more about this disorder and detach myself from the emotional attachment I have with her and we barely texted and saw each other maybe one or two times a week. When we did see each other though, we would be affectionate towards each other and sometimes sleep together. I had been constantly upset as there had been the factor of her other girlfriend lover but she was telling me how she was done with this girl as she couldn't change and stop doing pills. She sets up plans with me that next day and we go to the mall and she buys me expensive cologne, pampers and loves me, things are really better than I have perceived lately.

We went out to a show that night and that is when disaster happened, her mind unanchored and she went off the hinges. She was under the influence of light drugs but nothing to change her will. She kept leaving me at the show and I got suspicious and when I went to look for her I ran into her catching her with this scumbag I got "tool" vibes from earlier on when I saw him. He was drunk, hitting on girls, and totally not her type. They were locking lips and making out and my mind couldnt believe it. It was worse than a nightmare. Impulsively, I walked up separated them and punched the dude as hard as I could in the face. She quickly rushed me into a side room and told me "she wanted to do whatever she wanted and whenever" and no matter how much negotiating I did, it didnt matter. We went back into the crowd together and she lied to me and went off to do it again before leaving off with the kid. She had sent me numerous texts the days after but nothing beyond that after I never replied. She also has been posting herself with the kid on facebook from what friends tell me though I have blocked her. It sucks because I feel like this grudge affects me and im lonely while she has a new "love" and has forgot about me completely. I dont know whether I should say something to her or not.

[Peabody]

It seems every day that passes, the burn for her only gets worse. I try to do things I love and be around people I love but they irritate me and I get frustrated. I try to let her go and ignore her and block her, but I just want to undo it all and tell her I miss her. I just wish she would send me something, acknowledge what she did in a bigger way. Its not fair she gets to go off with this tool bag and throw away all that we had and to determine how I feel while I sit here dreaming about her. The last thing she told me was "Goodbye, you have soe much going for you - dont let a whore ruin your life"

[Peabody]

Wish I had an edit button... .

Heres are just main points I wanted to include

○ My exBPD & I have been good friends for several years, I have had unconditional love for her ever since and still do. She mentioned only once before that she may have borderline, and traumatic events in her life and her actions really make good evidence in that fact.

○ We've had numerous bonding experiences and every time we have been together has been amazing, no arguing and just pure affection.

○ Even though she kissed a complete stranger infront of me and evoked a lot of hurt within me, I still cannot hide my love for her.

○ I find myself missing her presence and ONLY her presence and see no hope in matching myself with another soul. I enjoyed her challenge and motivation she gave me to be a better person.

○ I am very spiritual and optimistic but no matter how hard I try, I truly feel that I miss and love her.

○ I have blocked her on all technology applications, have ignored all her texts.

○ She is still going out, sedating herself, went back to seeing her girlfriend who she said she was 100% done with and not in love with anymore and hanging out with the kid she kissed infront of me.

○ I am confused in the fact of whether to leave and leave it all behind and keep enforcing NO CONTACT or if I should let go of this grudge, let her know I miss her even if I am a fool, and attempt to reconcile us in a last desperate attempt.

[danley]

Id say that you could forgive and fade away. Sometimes things happen that you cannot understand. I would feel the same as you. In fact, many of us here have been in similar shoes as you. It does hurt to know someone you loved and claimed to love you back has up and kissed everything goodbye. It doesnt help that they are emotionally immature and leave you dumbfounded as to what they say. After a while all their crazy words and thoughts will run off your shoulder. It doesnt happen overnight. The process time is different for everyone.

You say youve been NC. Thats a good tool to help you towards detaching so that you can heal without distraction. Do you feel like shes just trying to pull you in by saying shes over these people shes been involved with? Im not saying she is, but you never know. It could be a slim chance that shes missing you. If theres one thing im sure of is that actions speak louder than words. I know it probably felt nice when she said she loved you and i dont doubt for a second that you felt your connection again. But words are words. You need to start to actually see her making an effort.

It sounds like she has very low self esteem issues as well as boundary ones. She sounds impulsive. I think she has a whole lotta healng to do. But as always, they have to realize they need help and want to change. You cannot do this for her or coddle her ways. It will only stunt her healing process.

For your own sanity and worth, I personally wouldnt go desperate and attempt to reconcile RIGHT NOW. It wouldnt hurt to be a bit selfish and give yourself time to build your confidence and lift some of the FOG that youre experiencing. I know you want to take her back. Just think about the things shes done recently and make your own sound decision as to whether or not shes even capable of being in the type of relationship that you deserve. Take a moment to let everything set in and decide if youre willing to let her, her lies, her cycles, and her inappropriate behavior into your life again.

[Peabody]

If there is an admin/moderator who reads this thread, I think its more appropriate for L3 if a move is possible!

Anyways people, here is an update of the situation since last time:

○ Saturday will mark two weeks of establishing no contact and blocking her on every possible application/communication device possible.

○ I have slowly regained my own happiness and found what I love to do again, creating a source of personal happiness.

○ I wish I had the knowledge I have now, learning about BPD & spirituality has helped me so much to make myself such a good person and be able to be good to others.

○ I have been having constant dreams with her in them, she pops up in my mind here & there but mostly when waking up and going to sleep.

○ One of my buddies has advised sending her a paragraph text with everything I need to get off my chest in order to move on faster.

○ Another one of my buddies strongly advises against the above action leaving me in a confused position.

○ Last night while I was out at the local hangout (its primarily MY place, I took her there for the first time) with my buddy and I was giving him some pointers on music production and in the corner of my eye I see her walk in with one of her girlfriends. I believe her girlfriend came up and rubbed my neck but wasn't sure and smelling her scent again was terrible. I was sitting on a couch with my buddy and she was behind me at the bar, but I was 100% it was her. I just kept giving pointers to my buddy and DID NOT MOVE MY HEAD in that direction. I acted like they did not even exist, I could see in the corner of my eye that they would keep looking over at me but maintained eye contact with my buddy. Her and I avoided each other the entire time we were there, I had walked past her once and made like a second of eye contact but I kept on walking. My buddies at the bar started telling me that she was there and that is when I confirmed it, but I kept doing what I do and acted like she was a ghost walking around and not real so i'm not sure totally how she reacted. I just had it in my mind that if she was TRULY sorry and wanted reconciliation, she would have come up to me and said sorry and whatever she has to say. Shortly after she left, she sent me "I was going to text you and say I was going to be there. Sorry." and I did not reply to it. I feel it is just another hook to try and grab my attention and make me feel bad.

[Peabody]

○ A few hours ago, she sent me two more texts saying "actually im not sorry... . " & "could have grown a pair and said something to me."

○ I did not reply to these texts, and these are stacked with all the previous ones she has sent me.

○ The night before I ran into her, I had a dream with her in it where we gave each other that "look".

○ I had a dream with her in it last night, indicating I still miss her in a way but know this is the healthier path.

○ I just wish she would see that this was all caused by her and that if she wanted to reconcile, she would come have said something to me or could start with apologizing for everything. Yet she continues to push that I am the bad guy.

○ Should I maintain my no contact?

[4now]

Ummm, Yes. I know you have said you want to just give in and get back to where things were, but is that really what you want?  It seems like you are making progress in the right direction, why would you want to back track and re-engage her?  I am sure it hurts and that you are lonely, those would be natural reactions and emotions to feel with what you are going through.  Why would you forgive her for the behavior?  Just to get back together and go back to more of the same?  Or would you forgive so you could move on?

She said sorry, for being at your hangout, but that's it.  That's probably the best you'll get.  As far as wanting a big apology and for her to see it was her behavior that brought this all on, that's asking too much.  IF she ever sees it, she probably won't ever say it.  That is beyond their scope.  Nothing (or very little) is ever their fault.  

Her last text, daring you to grow a pair, was bait.  Trying to get a rise out of you and see if she can engage you in a conflict.  Maintain your peace and begin to heal.  

In my humble opinion, no contact seems like your best option.  If you need closure, send the paragraph and see what kind of response you get.  That will give you a lot of information as to where her head is.  Perhaps if more time passes and you gain more perspective you will see things more clearly.  This type of relationship is like an addiction.  You are experiencing withdrawal.  Hang in there and I imagine it gets much better.  

Good Luck!

[Peabody]

@4now: As foolish as it may sound, a recycle is sort of what I am chasing after lately - it's like an undeniable craving to look in her eyes and see her smile again regardless of all that has happened. Lately, I have made a lot of introspective insight on the situation and have reverted to what I love doing and being the person I am. I feel as if everyone when I tell them this thinks that I am back tracking when my perception is that I am just allowing those to come & go with an open heart. I feel if I did have her in my life, I would not have the same emotional attachment with what she did and be able to be a little bit more detached with my unconditional love for her.

That is the point of my no contact though, to fully detach myself emotionally so that someday I can bear to take in her presence with no negative impact to me. The loneliness is one thing as she gave me a feeling of contentedness that i'm not really able to find anywhere else, and the hurt has really subsided more into nostalgia. The reason that I am not holding a grudge is:

All of us incarnate to learn, grow and explore, and we inevitably screw up somewhere along the way and hurt someone else. If someone harms you, you have two options: (1) you can hold a grudge, or (2) you can forgive. Clearly, the first harms you further and give all your power to the very person who harmed you, allowing that person to determine how you will feel.

The second option allows you to move on, free of other people's energy, knowing that "they will get theirs" in their life review. You'll also live longer and healthier. However, the other person doesn't just walk away. They must be made to understand how you were harmed by their actions and offer a sincere apology and promise that it won't happen again. If they are spiritual, they will be eager to learn the consequences of a hurtful word or deed … otherwise there's always the court system. And if that deed stemmed from malicious intent rather than an innocent accident, the apology had better be good.

 

I honestly do not believe in the eye-for-eye, tooth-for-tooth, etc. jazz... . I am not that kind of person and as much as everyone thinks that is what works in society these days, I think it is just a naive and foolish way to bring my pain to yourself. Like the quoted paragraph says, in this situation, she truly has the power to determine how I feel as I have not said one thing to her since the incident and that honestly bothers me. I feel like the sort of connection I had with this girl deserves some sort of proper closure if anything or possible reconciliation. I love her in my heart, but not in my life at the moment.

I was expecting that kind of fluctuation within her mood though to send me something like that the following day. Do you think this is an indication that she still cares about me and is trying to hook up a recycle or what? It is so hard to resist not sending her anything everyday and I just miss our diction and conversations that became a normal for me. I would send the paragraph, but I feel it will come out letting too much go and be entirely too emotional. If I were to do something like that, it would need to be face to face. I appreciate all your humble advice.