emancipation?

[muffetbuffet]

So here we go again... . just when things started to slow down a little and we had some sort of a normal  life dd decides that she cannot have it like that and has to start her issues again.  This time it is an online boyfriend who she is madly in love with.  Has never met him and they live across the USA from each other, but she just knows he is "the one".  Wants to move to be with him so she can be married to him.  Just don't have the energy to fight her anymore.  She brought up emancipation tonight so we will see where that goes.  We will not help her with filing the needed paperwork,but don't intent to stand in her way either.  How do you manage not to feel like a bad parent when you know that you just cannot handle another round of issues? Thoughts?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, muffetbuffet         I've got no insight into emancipation, etc., but I just wanted to let you know that I'm so sorry you have all this crazy stuff going on with your daughter again    I can commiserate with a BPD child driving you nuts, though... .    

Have you read up around here to try to find a Workshop or something that might help you with her and this crazy idea? Would this help you in some way: Family Guidelines? I'm not sure just letting her leave like that is wise, but ? 

There could be something more... . Maybe someone with more experience than me has something else? Just know that my prayers are with you    Rapt Reader

[redroom]

  Hi there,

I'm a lurker... .   I usually post on the "children of" board, but I do know a bit about emancipation. 

It is NOT as easy as it sounds to become emancipated.  She'll have to be able to prove that she can support herself, on her own, without help.  Also, a history of suicide attempts or extended mental health issues decrease the already slim likelihood that she can become emancipated.  This link also discusses how emancipation can be revoked, if necessary. 

This is a really great site that explains emancipation.  It's directed primarily towards teens, but it's really informative.  The first sentence:  "Can I get emancipated?  Probably not."

www.expertlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?t=43442

The above link is actually a *sticky* in this legal forum's discussion thread.  Questions about emancipation (from parents, teens, and others) come up several times a day.  Although they people who post there may not be legal professionals per se, you start to see a trend in the answers. 

www.expertlaw.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=156&page=2

Good luck!  I hope your daughter realizes how much you're trying to help her at some point. 

[js friend]

Hi Muffetbuffet.

You seem to be going through a lot with your dd recently.   

My dd also had an online b/f when she was 15yo who she believed was the one. Luckily he lived overseas and over time it fizzled out, but I think if they had both lived in the same country there would have been a good chance that she would have run away with him.  

I just wanted to say that dd15-17yo were probably the worse years for me to try to parent dd but she has matured a lot emtionally since then.

There were many times when I felt like giving up, so I totally understand how you are feeling.You are probably worn down and worn out.

If you have a support system rely on them a little more, and if possible try to take some time away from the chaos to recharge your battries.

[crazedncrazymom]

This brings back not so distant memories of my dd.  She used to demand to go live at the homeless youth shelter.  We let her for a month.  She decided she'd come back home.  She demanded to go to RTC.  We let her.  She wishes she was home.  For awhile she was demanding to go to foster care.  We refused.

I think I'd just say.  I don't approve of you emancipating yourself and will not participate except to show up to court and tell the judge that I don't approve.  I'm not participating in anymore discussions about this.

[lbjnltx]

This brings back not so distant memories of my dd.  She used to demand to go live at the homeless youth shelter.  We let her for a month.  She decided she'd come back home.  She demanded to go to RTC.  We let her.  She wishes she was home.  For awhile she was demanding to go to foster care.  We refused.

I think I'd just say.  I don't approve of you emancipating yourself and will not participate except to show up to court and tell the judge that I don't approve.  I'm not participating in anymore discussions about this.

[muffetbuffet]

Thanks for the words of wisdom.  Daughter is still living at home.  Not doing much of anything but watching TV and talking on the phone.  Lost the computer after we had to call the police to find her last week (yet another big story... . ).  She is more definite in her decision to want to move out of our home as she does not like having to live by any rules.  Daughter is adopted and has some contact with birth mother who lives out of state.  Yesterday the saga was am I moving in with bio mom or with boyfriend.  Been pretty quiet here today as she is not talking to my husband or I.  We told her that we are not in favor of either situation and that she needs to remain here with us as difficult as that may be.  She has now stopped taking her meds and that adds another whole layer to everything.  Unfortunately with her age, she cannot be forced to take them :'(

We have a support system but it is mainly wonderful people who will talk and let us vent.  We don't have any family or friends that are willing to take dd so that we can have a night away.  Our only option is to leave her at home alone.  We do go away for the day, but have never gone away overnight.  It is scary enough to leave her at home all day but overnight is not something we are comfortable with at this time.  Vacation on a deserted island sounds great right now

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, muffetbuffet... . This may sound off-the-wall to you, but do you think your daughter might go for Neurofeedback Therapy? It's not medicine, it's not talking to a Psychiatrist, it's not Group Therapy or even DBT (though that would be great for her!). If those "normal" therapies are turning her off, would she consider something cutting-edge like Neurofeedback?

The downside is that I don't think any type of Insurance will cover it (though I obviously don't know what you have), and it's not really cheap by any means... . If you read my Post/Thread "Need to remember to be constantly validating" on this Board, you can see what it has done for my son and our family... . Just a thought?   

  Rapt Reader

[Sabrin114]

I feel your pain.  My d holds us hostage in our own home.  My m in law says, "she's 18, you can go away for the weekend!" Sure we can, but we couldn't relax or enjoy ourselves.  When we ARE home she is sleeping at a different "friend's" house every week... . guys of course, there are no girlfriends.  She takes off spur of the moment and doesn't keep us informed as to where she is because she's 18!  Tells us daily what bad parents we are, wishes us dead etc.  I fear she will never be responsible enough to leave the house permanently!  UGH!

[muffetbuffet]

 Will have to do some research on Neurofeedback.  Have not heard about that.  Glad to hear that you have found something that works for you. 


Sabrin114:  Hostage... . that is exactly how we feel!  I just hate it when others just say go away and lock the house.  I think she would find some way to get in.  Same situation here with all guys and no girlfriends?  Have never understood that except that the guys are not competetion for her and she is getting her "needs" met by hanging out with the guys. 

[lbjnltx]

Same situation here with all guys and no girlfriends?  Have never understood that except that the guys are not competetion for her and she is getting her "needs" met by hanging out with the guys. 

... . and the girls don't accept her

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[muffetbuffet]

Here we go again... . do you ever get the feeling that something is up?  :)aughter is planning something but won't share.  She is running around here like crazy doing laundry, etc.  Have to understand that you need a steam shovel to make it through her bedroom so this is very much not usual behavior.  We do not do her laundry anymore as we got tired of getting clean and folded clothes in with the next bunch of dirty clothes.  Anyhow, I just have this gut feeling that daughter is up to something.  Husband thinks she is preparing and getting her things ready to move out    Then comes the dilemma... . do I stay home 24/7 to make sure that she does not leave or do we just go about our routine and if she leaves while we are gone so be it?  SO confused... . so worried about her... . so overwhelmed... . thoughts from the wise and wonderful BPD family?  

Side note... . husband and I have had individual conversations the last few days with daughter about the idea of her leaving.  How we feel about it, her safety etc... .

[pessim-optimist]

Hi muffetbuffet,

you must be worried and stressed by all this uncertainty.   

I'm not sure that I remember your situation correctly, I am thinking your daughter is under 18, and you have let her know that you are not helping her with getting emancipated?

If she is packing her things and actually leaves without your permission, you can always report her missing to the police (a natural consequence to her actions).

That being said, I understand that getting your child's compliance is not as easy as dragging them kicking and screaming back home... .

Since you mention that your daughter is adopted - have you read the book "The Primal Wound - understanding the adopted child"? I just recently read it, and I think it is wonderful. Great insight into the adoptee's psyche and full of helpful information for the adoptive parents... .

[js friend]

Hi Muffet,

What a worrying time. I totally understand that feeling you probably have in the pit of your stomach. Our kids are just so vunerable out there on the streets  

Im not sure if watching your dd 24/7 will keep her from leaving. My dd always found ways... . sneaking out at night... . lying to me and the school to sneak off... . saying she was going visiting her grandma to sneak off... . Short of tying her to your hip I think they will find ways to leave if they are really stuck on the idea. If it were me I would try to go about my normal life but have a safety plan in place in case she does leave.

Have you heard of trackers that can be put in phones these days that give you an instant gps, or the ones where you can download their messages/convos from pc and phones? That maybe something you could consider. Also I think it is worth getting as many your your dd's phone numbers as you can while she is still at home as the police will need a starting point. Also if she has a birthday, buy a gift or school trip coming up, pay the schoold directly... . dont give any money because this will be used to fund her leaving. I would also speak to her close friends and ask them to keep an eye on her. More than likely there will be a friend who  knows what is going on and is just as worried for our pwBPD as we are.

[muffetbuffet]

Here we go again.  As I thought daughter had something that she was planning however, I got in the way.  Anyhow, the short version of a rather stressful day was that daughter was furious because I turned off the internet thus not allowing her to have access to the 20 yr. old that she was planning to run away with.  Daughter is only 16.  After flipping a recliner across the living room floor, banging up the bathroom wall and destroying her bedroom door I had enough and called the police.  That call was followed by a call to our county crisis center.  We had 2 police officers and one crisis worker at our house for about 3 hours yesterday.  Daughter calmed down enough that they did not take her to the hospital (not sure if that was good or not).  A verbal contract was made with daughter and crisis worker that she would get in touch with dr. on Monday to restart meds, she would attend all therapy sessions and she would follow our expectations at home.  We have made it 24 hours and so far so good.  Of course it is very tense here.  Not sure what Monday will bring when we are able to get in touch with her therapist and dr.     My husband and I have spent so much time today discussing what to do next.  Do we support having her put in the hospital?  Do we support putting her in a residential treatment center again?  If so, do we go back to the same one she just left in October?  She met with great success there and the family support was fantastic.  We were very blessed to have the staff that we dealt with.  So confused about what to do at this point. 

Don't remember who made the comment about placing a tracking device on daughter's phone, and that would work if she had a phone.  The phone she has is not working because she dropped it in the toliet and found out that it doesn't work after being submerged in water   We refuse to buy her another as she had that phone for only about a month before she ruined it. 

As for friends, she has none.  She talks sporatically to classmates here and there, but she has damaged so many relationships with peers at school that she has no one left.  We have tried too many times to get her involved in activities with peers who do not attend her school, but she has no interest in doing anything right now other than talking to the boyfriend on the computer.

[lbjnltx]

How awefully stressful!   

On the boyfriend... . she has tunnel vision... . obsessing over him.  Breaking the communication cycle may cause further obsessing and extreme dysregulation. It may help to divert/redirect her attention during this difficult time to something else.  Finding that something else or her coming up with a something else is the hard part.

What do you think the reason is behind her losing the ground she gained in RTC?  No disrespect intended... . how bad does it have to get before she goes back for a "tune up"?  Do you believe the facility was the best fit for her or does there need to be a different choice?  We sent our d back for a tune up when she started slipping... . made all the difference for her.  If I were in your shoes I would be sending her back today... . it's your call. (this would be a major redirect... . no?)

lbjnltx

[muffetbuffet]

Do you believe the facility was the best fit for her or does there need to be a different choice?  We sent our d back for a tune up when she started slipping... . made all the difference for her.  If I were in your shoes I would be sending her back today... . it's your call. (this would be a major redirect... . no?)

lbjnltx

Thanks for the ideas.  It has been almost 48 hrs since police and crisis were here.  Things have been quiet.  We did get verbally attacked last night, but we let it go only because she was respectful and really was expressing some of the emotions behind what is going on.  Something she really needs to do more of!  We tried to vaidate her feelings as much as she was willing to allow us to do at the time.  We have attempted to get her involved in things going on here this weekend but she has absolutely no interest in doing anything other than watching TV.

Question about sending daughter back to the RTF... . did you send her back to the same one you had sent her to originally or did you send her to a different one?  We do believe that the RTF was a good fit for daughter and our family.  When I spoke to daughter's therapist at the end of last week, she asked us to consider a different placement.  It is all so confusing and difficult to make the right decision.  We only want to do the best for our kids as we well know that they are not in any place to make a good decision at this point.

Why are we seeing the slip in behavior?  We believe it is because of her older brother (although nothing was intentionally done to hurt her, she took it that way).  Our children arebio sibs and are adopted.  From the time the kids were adopted, older brother promised that he would wait until daughter is 18 and they would travel out of state to see bio mom.  At that time there was no contact with bio mom.  Things happened along the way and about 2 yrs ago daughter made an allegation that older brother molested her.  Allegations were unfounded so there was never any real resolution to the problem for her.  Anyhow, fast forward to May, 2013.  Son is now 20 and is finishing up a trade school program.  In his attempt to find a job, he had to go on interviews.  He has had an interest in living near bio family for some time now so my husband took him and they went for a long weekend, did interviews and he got a job near bio family.  Daughter is hurt that brother is now near bio family, that she did not get to go on the trip for the interviews, etc... . quite complicated.  Anyhow, it was shortly after the job interview trip that we started seeing a decline.  It has only been the last few weeks that the bottom has fallen out and daughter has stopped taking meds which adds yet another issue to all of this. 

[Suzn]

Anyhow, it was shortly after the job interview trip that we started seeing a decline. 

What a scary thought to know she is or has lost her brother. This sounds like a huge trigger for her and understandably so. I'm sure she is feeling quite left behind. And most likely feels some betrayal that her brother "broke" his promise. What does her r/s with bio mom look like? Have you or do you speak with her bio mom? Are there any trips to see her brother planned?

[lbjnltx]

Hello again   

To answer your question about the RTC... . back to the same one.  There were no therapy failures initially... . my d was refusing to use her skills (7 months after graduation) and went back for 6 weeks... . sent very strong messages to her in many ways.

If the RTC is suggesting other placement that also sends a message... . she needs another program better suited for her needs.  Since your d is adopted ... . has she ever been dx w/RAD?  My d's t at the rtc specialized in RAD.  She remarked off the record "BPD is Rad all grown up"... . not literally... .

One of the girls my d was at RTC with was RAD.  She reached a wall in her therapy and went on to another facility to focus on her RAD issues.  She has been at CALO now for 1.3 years and is ready to come home... . she is black and her adoptive family is white.  Her adoptive mom took her back to her country of origin at age 5 on a mission trip.  Her bio mom requested that she take the little girl to visit family in the nearby village (her other 5 bio sibs in tow) where her bio father sexually molested her.  She has had major issues to overcome.

If you are interested in reading about my family's journey through RTC you can click here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120563.msg1188708#msg1188708

lbjnltx

[Reality]

I remember the workers at Pine River, a RTF here in Canada, explaining how some young people need to come back to the RTF, some for a shorter, some for a longer period, depending on the individual.  It makes sense that some skills are mastered and then new issues arise.  

Reality

[muffetbuffet]

Anyhow, it was shortly after the job interview trip that we started seeing a decline. 

What a scary thought to know she is or has lost her brother. This sounds like a huge trigger for her and understandably so. I'm sure she is feeling quite left behind. And most likely feels some betrayal that her brother "broke" his promise. What does her r/s with bio mom look like? Have you or do you speak with her bio mom? Are there any trips to see her brother planned?

To follow up on the story with her brother.  Yes I am sure that daughter feels betrayed but the relationship between these two children is so much more than that.  More details on our situation to help understand... . part of what sent daughter to the RTF the first time around was how she was dealing with her allegation that her brother (same one moving out of state) had molested her while they were living with us in our home since they were adopted.  Of course children and youth and the police were heavily involved.  A very detailed and lengthy investigation was done and the charges were declared unfounded.  In other words in the eyes of the law there was not enought proof to say that these situations happened.  Considering daughter's mental health issues she was not a "reliable" witness in the eyes of the law. 

My husband and I have spoken with bio mom only a few times. Not best friends of course   As for a trip to visit bio mom, we were planning to take daughter along when we move son.  However, now in light of the increased behaviors, I am not sure that will happen.  The kids will be riding in two cars so they will not have to sit together, but daughter does not even want to go at this point.

Have a therapy session tomorrow.  I just hope daughter agrees to go.  Everything in the last two weeks has been a no go for her (dental check up, orthodontist check up,... . ).  Tomorrow is another day  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders