Decision Leave

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi This is my first post on this board. Ive been on the staying board since Nov last year.

I finally accepted my DBPDh illness. And I accept the fact that I dont want to be treated this way. And that my emotional and mental health is actually important for me. Divorce is not the easiest thing to deal with.

A little bit of background.

Towards the end of May my husband and I had a chat and I said some things in pure honesty which I knew would cause a reaction. As many times before he threatened to divorce me. After reading a few posts Ive decided that I had enough of being threatened and playing the victim by begging him not to leave me. This has happend a few times in our 2 yr marriage.

After a crazy 2012 i realized that my self confidence and self esteem were on its lowest and I couldnt understand why. I had my own share in the pie of course cos looking back I can see where I made things worse. Where i couldve made it better.

I knew my h had BPD before we got married. I used our very few months of dating to see what this BPD was all about not realizing or researching enough regarding the idealizing phase.

I cried my lungs out after he decided to leave me. But after a few days i was caught by surprise how relieved and happy I was feeling thinking that we might not be together anymore.

A week later he said he didnt want a divorce and that he loves me. And needed my affection. A day later he said he felt insecured and thats why he said he loved me and actually wants a divorce

During this time I thought about what I wanted.

Few days ago I was browsing through our pc only to find the porn sites visited. Also to find a 2nd profile stating that he is in a relationship with some other girl who is still in college. He is 44yrs old. I calmly confronted him. And asked him to leave. I was not going to tolerate this. In fact this is not the first time he has done this. And the last time I said to him that if this should happen again, i will leave him.

He searched for a place and asked his boss to assist. He couldnt get a place. Because he was stuck he let me know that he loved me and wanted to be with me. He did not want a divorce and i should give him one more chance. By this time I realized that this was whats been happening in our marriage. Im only treated well when i give him what he wants and when i an help him out. I dont for a second believe that he loves me and can see the manipulation for what it is. We are in a diffrent country with different laws and because im his sponsor i am obliged to give him lodging etc.

I asked him to pay rental, to move all his belonging to a spare room etc. i dont talk to him and i try my best to come home when i know he must be sleeping.

Frankly, I have had enough of someone who doesnt respect me or my boundaries. And believe that I deserve better treatment. i wish i didnt play to his tune previous times. Because now i see this relationship for what it is.

This said, it certainly doesnt make things easier. Everything still feels so surreal and everyday the toughts of "i cant believe this is happening" goes thru my mind.

I contacted a lawyer who will start proceedings. Am building a support system for me after I realized how much Ive allowed myself to be caught up in his isolated world. I am finding myself looking forward to life again. Dreaming again.

He has a serious mental illness. He is not committed to therapy and does not want to reach out for help to save himself and our marriage. The situation is not healthy for me. He doesnt want to change. He does not want to compromise. A previous post summed it up so nicely... . the bad times are ugly so much so that the good times are not worth it anymore (Paraphrasing) Im alone in this marriage. And I wish not to continue with it.

I always wanted to push through and divorce was never an option tho I thought about it alot. I am unhappy in this marriage. And For me right now, this is me radically accepting him and our situation. And this is not what I want for the remainder of my life.

[Wishful thinking]

Hi This is my first post on this board. Ive been on the staying board since Nov last year.

I finally accepted my DBPDh illness. And I accept the fact that I dont want to be treated this way. And that my emotional and mental health is actually important for me. Divorce is not the easiest thing to deal with.

A little bit of background.

Towards the end of May my husband and I had a chat and I said some things in pure honesty which I knew would cause a reaction. As many times before he threatened to divorce me. After reading a few posts Ive decided that I had enough of being threatened and playing the victim by begging him not to leave me. This has happend a few times in our 2 yr marriage.

After a crazy 2012 i realized that my self confidence and self esteem were on its lowest and I couldnt understand why. I had my own share in the pie of course cos looking back I can see where I made things worse. Where i couldve made it better.

I knew my h had BPD before we got married. I used our very few months of dating to see what this BPD was all about not realizing or researching enough regarding the idealizing phase.

I cried my lungs out after he decided to leave me. But after a few days i was caught by surprise how relieved and happy I was feeling thinking that we might not be together anymore.

A week later he said he didnt want a divorce and that he loves me. And needed my affection. A day later he said he felt insecured and thats why he said he loved me and actually wants a divorce

During this time I thought about what I wanted.

Few days ago I was browsing through our pc only to find the porn sites visited. Also to find a 2nd profile stating that he is in a relationship with some other girl who is still in college. He is 44yrs old. I calmly confronted him. And asked him to leave. I was not going to tolerate this. In fact this is not the first time he has done this. And the last time I said to him that if this should happen again, i will leave him.

He searched for a place and asked his boss to assist. He couldnt get a place. Because he was stuck he let me know that he loved me and wanted to be with me. He did not want a divorce and i should give him one more chance. By this time I realized that this was whats been happening in our marriage. Im only treated well when i give him what he wants and when i an help him out. I dont for a second believe that he loves me and can see the manipulation for what it is. We are in a diffrent country with different laws and because im his sponsor i am obliged to give him lodging etc.

I asked him to pay rental, to move all his belonging to a spare room etc. i dont talk to him and i try my best to come home when i know he must be sleeping.

Frankly, I have had enough of someone who doesnt respect me or my boundaries. And believe that I deserve better treatment. i wish i didnt play to his tune previous times. Because now i see this relationship for what it is.

This said, it certainly doesnt make things easier. Everything still feels so surreal and everyday the toughts of "i cant believe this is happening" goes thru my mind.

I contacted a lawyer who will start proceedings. Am building a support system for me after I realized how much Ive allowed myself to be caught up in his isolated world. I am finding myself looking forward to life again. Dreaming again.

He has a serious mental illness. He is not committed to therapy and does not want to reach out for help to save himself and our marriage. The situation is not healthy for me. He doesnt want to change. He does not want to compromise. A previous post summed it up so nicely... . the bad times are ugly so much so that the good times are not worth it anymore (Paraphrasing) Im alone in this marriage. And I wish not to continue with it.

I always wanted to push through and divorce was never an option tho I thought about it alot. I am unhappy in this marriage. And For me right now, this is me radically accepting him and our situation. And this is not what I want for the remainder of my life.