Dysfunctional relationship with daughter

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The more I'm reading, the more it seems to be making sense but any insight would be helpful. I've identified several things that triggers my husband's mood swings (alcohol, seasonal issues) but noticed that visits with my step-daughter triggers them as well. When he recently told me he feels his daughter dislikes him, I started thinking more about how his relationship with her differs from mine with her. At times, he's competitive with her, critiques her and often feels ganged up on by us. Other times he's fun and looks for her love and attention. Whereas I'm consistently encouraging and supportive and we have a lot of fun together, she can talk to me without criticism or judgement. She knows what to expect from me, she doesn't from him. He feels she prefers to spend time with me. Often he would bring up the separation talk as soon as she would go to bed. I wonder if this is why... . I hinted one day that he has a bit of a dysfunctional relationship with her and he didn't take it very well.

[needsupport6]

The more I'm reading, the more it seems to be making sense but any insight would be helpful. I've identified several things that triggers my husband's mood swings (alcohol, seasonal issues) but noticed that visits with my step-daughter triggers them as well. When he recently told me he feels his daughter dislikes him, I started thinking more about how his relationship with her differs from mine with her. At times, he's competitive with her, critiques her and often feels ganged up on by us. Other times he's fun and looks for her love and attention. Whereas I'm consistently encouraging and supportive and we have a lot of fun together, she can talk to me without criticism or judgement. She knows what to expect from me, she doesn't from him. He feels she prefers to spend time with me. Often he would bring up the separation talk as soon as she would go to bed. I wonder if this is why... . I hinted one day that he has a bit of a dysfunctional relationship with her and he didn't take it very well.

[tuum est61]

It is likely that the relationship between your husband and his daughter is dysfunctional.  It is likely he will feel that she prefers you over him sometimes - and given that he is a person with BPD that feeling will overwhelm him. It is likely that his daughter is at least subconciously aware of that which creates a negative dynamic that prompts some negativity towards you when you are all together.  His daughter, however, does very much value that she can speak to you without criticism or judgement.  She values your consistency - which is something he simply cannot provide.  She likes the praise, but it is, at best, erratic coming from her father - due to his incapacity to regulate his emotions when she doesn't do things exactly as he would have it.   

So to some extent she does prefer to spend time with you - and I am going to assume that has lead to you restricting your time with her due to his negative reaction.  Let me know if I am in the right ballpark with this and then I will provide some further comment.   Hang in there, this is difficult stuff.    

 

[needsupport6]

Sounds pretty bang on to what I'm seeing! I've been trying to be the peacekeeper lately. I asked him to stay with her at her grandparents last visit. Next visit is next weekend. We won't know for sure if he has BPD until July 18th so I'm desperately trying to make sure he doesn't say anything to her about our situation until he gets a diagnosis. In his mind, the marriage is over and he feels the need to tell her that. He's gone off on a gluten free diet kick and expects us all to follow suit and he's been criticizing everything she eats. It's gone as far as him sending her mother texts about nutrition and it's blown up. I'm stepping back and letting him take responsibility for his relationships, I'm not managing them anymore.

[tuum est61]

I'm stepping back and letting him take responsibility for his relationships, I'm not managing them anymore.

Good plan.