Responding Crazy to a pwBPD? Anybody

[Ittookthislong]

anybody else out there who blew up like a volcano and acted crazy after the devaluation, triangulation (read definition), mixed up emotions? And has anyone experienced devaluation in the form of talking down to you like your the problem?

any stories or feedback appreciated. I feel a lot of guilt and anger for having the script flipped on me

[Ittookthislong]

more details i got the silent treatment and a couple of completely disrespectful remarks out of nowhere. I kept trying to figure out what i had done wrong, nothing but rude remarks. i left it alone for a few months then the anger just overtook me. id been cheated on, lied to, i kept trying harder and harder to please to the point that i ... . so embarassing... . i cahsed in my savings to pay for his and my rent. so the ignoring came as a shock and i felt taken advantage of and i just lost it. i have a lot of guilt for how i lost my cool, and from there on he has played on this and blamed me needing help for the end of our relationship.

does anyone have similar stories? im having trouble today ruminating

[ComoLu]

I have, but not for awhile.  Every now and again I get so angry or upset that I vent all over him.  I do it because it is therapy for me.  I feel better after.  I never got the chance to do it while we were together because I didn't find out what he had been doing behind my back until after he stopped coming home.  Since then his BPD behaviors have gotten so much worse toward me that sometimes I just can't take it.  Most of the time I try to remain patient and calm, but if I do that he just ignores me.

My ex blames me for everything in his life still even though we have not been together for more than 2 yrs.  He even attacks me through his lawyer.  Just a couple of weeks ago, I got hit with a letter from his attorney about my "bad" behavior, and he threatened to take me back to court.  I was able to counter everything he said about me, and I have emails from him to prove it.  He is just being ridiculous.

Try not to let it get to you.  It is what they do.

[MarcinN7]

Ittoothislong

Oooh yes

She was completly disrespecting me and my feelings and ignoring avoiding while saying she loves me and that it was my fault that she cheated on me with a guy that is schizoprehmic and bipolar because <neverending list dumbor outrageous reasons to perpetuate circular arguments>

When i was frustrated to the core i raged, and acted crazy sure

I was scared what emotions can this avoidingwitch awaken in me

One episode was during a 1 day recycle

She was avoiding to tell me what was happening in her life the last 2 months we didnt see each other

I of course told her everything i done, shared my life as usual by showing her my facebook etc.

She only said that she cried after me and was on xanax because she wanted me back - yeah right she was probably hiting that psychoguy she cheated on me with and probably he got locked up in the psych ward without a pass again since when that happened she reengaged last time.

So she tells me she wants to get back and go into therapy together and starts this while talk about about how this has to look like. Basicly she starts by setting rules so she wont get upset - not talking about her cheating - we never had an ohnest talk about this. She wants us just to move back in together and go on like nothing happened.

Im like no way you dont want to even tell me what was going on with you, or what you are doing right now and want me to live with you? She has a debt by the way, the first one i payed her off so she would not pay big credit card intrest. The second one she started to acumulate in secret when we still were together.

So guess what she does. Ok she will maybe show me her facebook wall on her phone. I suggested this earlier. But before that she starts to go through it in front of me in a position so i dont see the screen. And starts to delete the posts, in front of me. Yeah so like a few houdred people can see what she writes but not me?

I snapped, raged, took the phone from her hand, wanted to throw it out of the window but didnt - had last shreds of self control, besides i gave her that phone. She started to snap when i took the phone and said i would go through it anyway. We fought i had marks on me because she got really agressive, torn my shirt to pieces.

The when she could not everpower me she screamed. Psychotically like you take all emotions and put it in a blender. I got scared of that scream and also understood i cannot help her that she is sick mentally. I knew before but this was like another big big confirmation  needed. I raged and told her to get out of my house. She of course didnt want to leave. Thought about calling the cops. Didnt. Waited for her to get bored and drove her home. A few days later blessed NC started.

One of the things i understood from my crazy acting from the frustration/lies/manipulation/cheating was that i cannot be with her because i was afraid i would kill her someday. Like an abuse victim, there is only so much we can take

And when we snap it can get ugly.

I saw myself in 20 years beeing arrested for murder but with a smile on my face since i would be finally at peace. I think some housbands and wives who killed their spouse could have gone through years of living with BPD.

[MarcinN7]

P.s. before my 8 year BPD oddysey i was a rock. You just could not get on my nerves. I never raged. I had mountains of peace/understanding/patience and love to give. She sucked all of this out of me together with my selfesteem and a few other things since i lost myself trying to make this trainwreck to work.

But i was loving and trusting and i sucked up all her nice and kind words how it will be and got manipulated.

Im so happy i didnt marry her and that we dont have a kid or any other obligations.

She suprisingly payed of her debt to me by taking another debt with a friend heh... .

[delusionalxox]

Yes... . Yes... . Yes!

And I have now been cut off after a patronising final email telling me to 'find serenity and let go of the hate... . ' Which sent me into a 5 or 6 day funk of rage, pain and bitterness at how he had taken so much from me, messed with my head with his mixed messages, behaved like a 6 year old and taken NO responsibility for anything.

I forgave a lot of really dreadful abuse from him in my time but this time have been labelled a 'psycho', told that he 'has enough problems in his life already' and finally- the killer blow- lectured about letting go of my terrible hate problem... . Oh yuck I could vomit.

On one thing he's right, I will sure have more serenity in my life and less hate without a capricious rude critical selfish man boy sucking up my energy. But I still feel so shamed and angry that I acted out. Did I add that he left me pregnant too and totally ignored this? Just told me to leave him alone because 'I had damaged him enough already'!

Bah. I still want closure and feel I betrayed myself by raging which he often pushed me to with outrageous demands, idiotic or childish behaviour, rudeness and most of all a total refusal to take any responsibility for his own actions or to acknowledge how much of my money, time and energy he took up. Except for one email on may 23.a week before he started to ignore me. Their responsibility is always either fleeting or a lie.

It's no wonder we feel crazy. But I really get your shame I feel it too. I feel I was reduced to the very worst of myself and then condemned for it.

[snappafcw]

One story in particular is over New Years Eve my exbpgf was ignoring me as BPD's do. And i told her I would really like to spend the night with you since its a special day. She told me that she just can't handle things right now especially being in public and just needs to be alone. I told her no problem i understand... . Next minute she makes plans to spend New years eve with her best friend instead. I was so hurt about her lie and lack on consideration i spoke to her on the phone and snapped. For the next week i got silenct treatment and guilt trips from her and i was gaslighted into thinking it was all my fault so i crawled back. I feel like such a fool looking back on it and this is only one example.

[Elpis]

since i lost myself trying to make this trainwreck to work.

I've never been a huge yeller, i'm more of a crier. (not a better thing... . )  But the statement Marcin made about "losing yourself" is right in the middle of my feeling crazy in the relationship.

Sounds like textbook BPD behaviors that everyone has had--all of life becomes about them, we nonBPD folks end up dancing around because we get unconsciously trained into trying to keep them happy, therefore losing the main essence of who we were and will be again once we snap out of the fog we're in with them!

There's so much good info on this site about basic BPD behavior that when I read it had me nodding my head and thinking of numerous examples of when i'd dealt with them with my H. But there's ALSO lots of good info about the boundaries we need to set with them so we don't get pulled Into the craziness! If I could count all the stupid things I've given up just so I wouldn't set my H off into one of his "episodes"... . but I've been coming to my senses with the major help of my therapist so that i'm finally finding ME again! Hallelujah.

One big thing the pwBPD wants from us is a reaction. I think once they goad us into some frustrated reaction they're actually happy in a way, because now they can point the finger at us instead and take the heat and focus off of them. GAH! And all we can do is own the responsibility for letting them push us into reacting and not having good enough boundaries to keep our emotional distance from their pushing. My H can be the most relentless badgering man in the universe if he doesn't want to be at fault, because then it's not just something negative in HIS actions.

There's so much learning to do! But knowledge in this case is BIG power! Albeit exhausting.

Sorry your're going through this, ItTookThisLong. And the guilt you feel is common to us Nons because of the pushing they can do. Look up the info on FOG.  Then you may not feel so crazy and guilty!

[danley]

I am a very patient, forgiving, and care free type person. I hardly ever get upset. But boy did I go crazy on my ex when he started his three month stint of rages. I couldn't contain my anger and hurt. I think it was the madness of his words and thoughts that got to me. Also his inability to meet me halfway.

[hanginon]

I would have to say that I have been pushed to that point a few times.  I believe I am just like most that have posted here, before my BPDs/o I was patient, quiet, reserved, bedrock stable emotionally. I have always had a little codependency... . just like most of us here. 

I have told her and I honestly believe it is the truth... . when that happens and I cannot contain myself, she made me this way.  I had never been this way before... . it is not my fault. Yes now that I have found this site I realize that there are things that I could have done to set boundaries and try to control the situation but with my s/o, she really won't or hasn't been able to tollerate boundaries. A boundary by me puts things in crisis mode with her or she will counter with some radical counter that is totally off the page and I would usually back down to keep things from going out of control. I have made some baby step progress since we both are seeing a T and are separated but she "has" to know that I am willing to make our relationship work and I always have told her we would make it work but I am to the point now... . of self preservation and realize that it is something much larger than me and that our relationship is unhealthy for the both of us. 

I told her I needed time and she told me she would show me all these changes she has made to treat me better but just yesterday... . with the biggest part of the day with nc... . it went to crisis mode again over night and now... . she just can't go forward unless I tell her I will "try to make" our relationship work. Up until now she has been ok with ending our relationship... . the whole thing that makes us spill our beans is pure and simple frustration. Frustration of being in a relationship with someone who is mentally ill.  some can make it better or I suppose livable... . some can't.

Good luck to everyone, it seems we are all really in the same boat.

Hanginon

[changingme]

Yes too many times... .

When we would recycle he always made me feel like I was the only woman in his life and I would get so close to him, feel like I was falling in love all over again, to just find out he didn't stop seeing the other girl like he said and she was the one invited to a party that weekend (for example) and not me.  I would get so mad and lash out so badly to the point of harassing him through text messages all day for days on end.  I did end up looking like the one who needed help and had mental illness.  Learning about BPD has helped me get past  a lot of this.  It really does explain a lot of the frustrations and confusions.  

I feel guilt for doing it also but mostly I feel bad I put myself through that level of disgusting anger because as you all say, that wasn't who I was.  It makes me sad now because I had lost a lot of patience with others around me during those times.  I remember once someone called me very high-strung and I was shocked... . because that wasn't me.  But it was and I didn't even realize!

Great topic btw 

[awomanlearning]

I know that rage so well.Love rage rage love you all mixed up that you are holding on to your sanity with a breath I decieded to not to rage just laugh! I know they do crazy things but think about it they doing it to get a reaction right well laughing is my new reaction. My BPD H left because i wasnt loving enough, to demanding and oh he found someone who treats him like a person. Anyways his gone but he comes every week to see the kids and stays over for few days at first i was raging, not sleeping or eating a complete train reck! then he started talking and i started listening but i realised there is no winner in this madness  so i refuse to be told or have my emotions dicated to by a person who bearly knows if they coming or going! He was talking about his girlfriend and him moving in etc babies the works and i just pick up my phone and put in a draft ROFLMAO! He asked why i said thats for when you tell me shes pregnant he didnt know what to do he stormed out i changed the channel on the telly. Im not trying to control him at all just would laugh my behind off when they get pregnant because he couldnt handle me when i was pregnant wow hows he going to do it for her and my door is closing slowly but its closing. I just nod and agree to his lies, stupidity and what ever he deciedes it his life not mine so to hell with it im in love with a fool be it because of his BPD or not he does have some sanity he knows what his doing just doesnt know why, that for me is the reason i can just laugh because reality does bite them.

[leftbehind]

Yes.  I acted crazy after he broke up with me by email, threw out all my stuff, and then a week later unfriended me on facebook.  When he broke up with me, I wasn't crazy, just couldn't stop crying.  Wasn't angry either, even though he had told me the day before breaking up with me how much in love with me he was.  But somehow the unfriending made me crazy, especially since the day before he sent me an email saying "I hope you're doing good!"

So I drove up there the morning he unfriended me and banged on his door - something I've never done to anyone ever.  He wouldn't pick up his phone, or answer his doorbell.  I was in such a state of shock and disbelief that he unfriended me.  This was someone who said that I was the one, that I was the only woman on the planet for him, blah blah blah.  We were in a relationship for 8 months, but we were friends for three years before that.

Anyway, someone left his building and I walked in and up into his apartment (he never locked his door, since the entrance door was locked).  He told me to get the ef out and threatened to call the police.  I was calm and collected once I got into his apartment.  I just wanted to have the closure conversation that he completely avoided having with me.  I just wanted a reason for the breakup, since he never gave me one (all he said was that he had a "spiritual shift".

He completely refused to talk to me, other than to keep telling me to get the ef out.  This was my low point.  I soon left, and since then I've maintained NC.  He's sent me two emails out of the blue since then, like everything's fine.  I haven't answered them. 

I just want to say that the way I behaved that day was so completely out of my character.  But being cut off and unfriended abruptly after months of him telling me how in love he was with me caused me to have a melt down.  It took me a long time to get my self respect back after that.  I'm still in the process.

[Ishenuts]

I never matched his rages. In the beginning I would argue loudly, trying to defend myself from his ridiculous accusations. I never called him a name. What stopped me? The presence of our children in the home! Boy did I want to! The children say they remember the "fights", and how much it scared them. When I ask them, ":)o you remember Mommy yelling?", they are non-committal.  I should've let loose!

[delusionalxox]

Ishenuts I so admire you for your self control and emotional strength.

Oh lord... . leftbehind... . I would have done the same in your place. Luckily (?) ex lives in Italy and I am in UK so no chance. I was still sending bewildered, hurt, furious emails and texts until a week ago.

So nearly a week NC... . I guess I should be proud but I just feel dreadful. Utterly dreadful. Spent this morning crying, playing songs that remind me of him and stalking his friends' profiles on FB so I can see his lovely face again. That smile... . so innocent and the melting eyes of a little boy. And that is what he was/is... . a little boy.

Yet he has had the strength to break our sick bond and I did not. I feel so deeply ashamed.

[stop2think]

Yet he has had the strength to break our sick bond and I did not. I feel so deeply ashamed.

That is exactly how i feel. In the hope of working out the issues and making him see that he too needs to invest his efforts to make this r/s work - i sold my dignity and falling flat on my face, while he painted me black, dumped me and moved on.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi Servalan83,

He doesn't have any strength, it is you that has the strength my dear. What he is, is a coward, and yes, your right, he is a little boy (in his mind).

You will go on, and you will survive. You know your weaknesses, and honestly even a saint would not have been able to tolerate his tantrums, nor a therapist, who at the most, might see him twice a week, (if he could afford to pay for that himself, which we both know would never happen, heh heh... .

One day, he too will grow old, (the way he is going, he will age fast anyway), even if he continues to live the life of a spoilt brat, (like my exBP does permanently).

He will grow old, and he will be lonely, and even whilst he is younger, he will still be lonely, way down there under that huge mountain of denial.

So Servalan83, grieve with me, and with all of us here, you are not alone, you are not used up, and Granny like, no doubt you are a woman with a beauty of your own, you just need time to bring that back again, it is still there.

Did you ever stop to think, that the real reason he denigrated you, is because he was actually jealous himself?

When I think about the compliments my ex paid me, (when he was in his rare moments of beauty and kindness) were jealousy based. The reason I know, is because when he split me black, he would say the complete opposite when denigrating me, and then when he split me back to white again, he would admit he said it to hurt me.

He didn't want me to feel too good about myself, incase I left him for someone else!

I won't write here the sorts of things he would say to me, which seemed like compliments, but there was a touch of jealousy in the way he said them, it was just instinct.

It threatened him if I seemed too happy, too detached, too good.

When he would put himself down, he would often say he knew I was too good for him, like he is trash or something. I would always tell him that he was not trash, there were lots of good things about him, he just needed to focus on them instead, and forget the rest.

I would also say that it is not about either of us being 'too good' for each other, it is about us wanting to be our best for each other, nothing else.

All wisdom was wasted on him, honestly.

I am trying to think of that now all the time.

At present, I am contemplating laying charges against him, for his latest assault, and for all the times he tried to murder me, and assaulted me or damaged my property in the past.

There is a huge fear in me, of retaliation etc, but I feel like I don't want anyone else to be subjected to his horror ever again.

[delusionalxox]

Stoptothink, I think if we rationalise it we realise it is more 'dignified' to keep trying and treating the other person as a human being - except that it will backfire because to them we are not human beings. we are objects.

Ex and I recycled so many times. I would leave him unable to bear the insanity, criticism, and crazy demands. Whenever he recycled he would never, ever want to talk about issues. Just to put on a front that everything was fine.

The last few times we saw eachother I think he was trying to maintain that front very desperately and when I exposed what was really going on (that rather than having nice holidays and sex we were still enmeshed in a hurtful relationship, particularly as he kept using me financially), that was it.

But I still cannot understand the sheer inhumanity of leaving your supposed lifelong 'friend' to go through the abortion of your child alone and then have the incredible chutzpah to block calls then complain about your own problems when she calls you in despair on the day.

I hate him for that and I don't know how to forgive. This makes me feel crazy.

[Ittookthislong]

servalan83, mine did that as well, wants me to leave the past in the past. its just a way for them to be able to do whatever they want with no consequence... . to live in the present. its infuriating and will make you crazy.

the no contact thing will make you hurt im not gonna lie. itll test you more than anything in your ife so far, at least it did me... . and its not like a normal relationship breakup, itll take you longer... . but its sort of like training for the Olympics or something it gets more rewarding everyday how much stronger your getting.

if its ok with you id like to message you my story, its pretty similar to yours, and that way I can give you more detail

[ggoman]

Yes!

Maybe you can take some solace in my story; here it is:

My exBP (to whom I will now refer as "C" broke up with and recycled me about 7 times between November 2012 and May 2013. During one of the 'breaks' (SHE broke up with ME and told me there was no chance we would ever get back together), I emailed a female friend of mine that I had lost contact with (I lost contact with her because C was insanely jealous and I agreed to stop communicating with my female friends). Fast forward a couple of weeks to a time when we were back together again. I was over at her apartment, and she asked me if I had contacted any women while we were broken up. I responded truthfully with 'yes', and she went into a blind rage. She started screaming at me and throwing my stuff around the apartment. Understand that during this same break, she actually was going out on dates with other guys and texting a man she had cheated on her husband with. All I did was email a platonic friend. She asked me to leave, and I said no. I just wanted to try to sort things out (I wasn't yelling at her at this point, to be clear). She then proceeded to call some guy. She laughed on the phone at first and then asked if he would help her move (I trust I don't have to point out how insanely ridiculous this is given that she was initially upset because I *emailed* another woman on a break). She proceeded to esentially ask him to come over and force me to leave. There was a short pause, and then she said (presumably responding to something he just said) "yeah... . he's a real gem" while giving me the look of death. I couldn't take it, and I grabbed the phone from her hand and hung it up. Of course she broke up with me, and told me I had serious anger issues, that I was abusive, and that I needed to seek counseling.

There you go... . yet another example of the hell that is being in a relationship with some w/ BPD.