How to deal with law enforcement presence? (unfair)

[Isawthegapagain]

How do you deal with a BPD making up stories about you?

Come back from having to run away from my own apartment out of fear of something BPD-fiancee might have done, and a police cruiser was stationed out front of my apt.

my anxiety is through the roof. I need to know how to proceed!

My heart can't take this, this is harassment, this is abuse.

I have no idea what she or her mother might have said.

I am so, so tired of this.

I've spent the day trying to learn more about BPD, and telling her I love her, how I'm committed to try. But this is way, WAY out of my skill set.

Help! This is wrong!

[VeryFree]

I know it is a terrible thing if stories are made up about you. Especially if the lies are about domestic violence (DV). I know it, because I went through it.

How to handle this?

There are three ways: prevent, protect, react.

Preventing is about making sure it doesn't happen. It's about understanding BPD and how to handle your SO (validating, SET, JADE and so on). See the lessons on the right and the undecisiveboard.

Protecting is about yourself: make sure you will not fall into their traps and when the ___ hits the fan, that you are prepared. See: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0

React: when all else has failed (, or wasn't done) and the ___ is all over the place. Stay calm, don't overreact, stay calm, don't blame yourself, stay calm, seek support (both friends and legal), stay calm, follow the advice of your legal support. But most important: stay calm.

[Isawthegapagain]

Veryscared, I appreciate the link to the DV thread. I'm on it now.

It's hard to tell when what is happening is real or hyperbole,

since last night I just ran away to a friends house.

I get back and the police are still there?

How much of that is her, and how much of that is unnecessary/malicious abuse of power?

Bless the law which is based in good. But an abuse of law, that is terrifying. Terrible.

And calling a false DV, or in this situation, it sounds like she called about 'me having her property

in my apartment/she can press charges' was the case. Why they were still here at three am... .

that sounds a little excessive, but again, she was the primary agressor in this case, if one will, mixing the term as that is.

And yes, she openly has admitted to several health care professionals that I do not abuse her, that I am not the abuser, but that she abuses me. She terrifies me some times, and I'm only coming to grips with it now.

At the moment, she is asking if she should 'move to where I live?'

I want so bad to think I can stick it through right now, but this is it,

I think it's time I need to pull out completely, to change my phone number, to protect myself.

I'm a good man, and I value love and order and decency. This is so taxing on me. My nerves are on fire. I almost feel like my eyes will explode, the blood pumping through my throat, like a man running from demons, as if... . as if that were hyperbole... .

[broken3]

ISAW,

Unfortunately, alot of us on these boards have been through the same thing. Record everything. Document everything. And always have a third party impartial witness around.

  It sucks to have allegations levied at you. But the justice system views it as a preventative measure.

I would not use the "love" word any more. As this is not how people who 'love" you act.

Be very careful. As I have seen the allegations levied first hand. While I was not even there.

They can say almost anything and will be believed until it be proven wrong.

The whole innocent until proven guilty is a crock.

[momtara]

talk to a lawyer, keep a journal, keep a tape recorder.  these things may help in the long run.  in the short run, i think you are doing the best you can.  like someone said above, stay calm.  don't overreact.

[VeryFree]

How much of that is her, and how much of that is unnecessary/malicious abuse of power?

I maybe doesn't sound too friendly, but: you shouldn't care. She's ill and makes trouble for you. Defend yourself. Not her.

Bless the law which is based in good. But an abuse of law, that is terrifying. Terrible.

And calling a false DV, or in this situation, it sounds like she called about 'me having her property

in my apartment/she can press charges' was the case. Why they were still here at three am... .

that sounds a little excessive, but again, she was the primary agressor in this case, if one will, mixing the term as that is.

Primary agressor or not... . Don't get your hopes up. You are a man. In the eyes of a lot of people -among them judges, police, lawyers- a man is always guilty of DV. My stbx attacked me, I did do nothing, just made sure she couldn't reach me by holding her away. The police came and I had to leave my house.

And yes, she openly has admitted to several health care professionals that I do not abuse her, that I am not the abuser, but that she abuses me.

Never mind. Health care professionals can't testify. And if they do: it doesn't prove you didn't hurt her last time (sorry: not my idea, but that's how law works).

I'm a good man, and I value love and order and decency. This is so taxing on me. My nerves are on fire. I almost feel like my eyes will explode, the blood pumping through my throat, like a man running from demons, as if... . as if that were hyperbole... .

Oh yes, I totally know what you mean. I felt like that when these things happened to me half a year ago. And it wasn't the last time I felt that way. During the months that followed, I hit rock-bottom many times. That's why I chose this nickname.

Now, I'm getting up slowly. Thanks to these boards, to my T and to a few close friends I'm starting to see her for what she really was: a very very ill person. Very sad in fact, but not my responsibility anymore. My only responsibility is me. Keep standing, defend my rights, defend myself.

You'll get there. For now: focus on yourself and on your rights. Prepare yourself.

[Isawthegapagain]

Preparing myself is important, to be sure, as while my BPD-fiancee may not want to hurt me, she might end up ding so, that is, should could, as recent events have shown.

My question for you is this.

How in to treatment was your (ex? current? ex I believe BPD)?

It seems that, while I still need to take measures to legally protect myself,

which I know we both know we wish we didn't have to, I don't want to, but,

one must not leave their gloves down in a fight, while that is not the best metaphor,

how in to treatment was your pwBPD?

[ForeverDad]

A question to ask yourself - if not now but then at some point - Why are you still engaged to your fiancee?

Unless your fiancee is in meaningful and progressing therapy - solidly progressing toward recovery, more stable thinking and consistently improving behaviors - then it is very unlikely to get better.  What happened over the weekend is very likely to happen again if you continue the relationship.  Getting married will not 'fix' nor end her distorted perceptions, overreactions and blame-shifting.  Rather, they're very likely to get wore over time.  Likely this isn;t your first taste of conflict/blaming, right?  This is not a signal to stay and try harder, it's a signal to beware and determine how best for this to not happen again.

All relationships, even reasonably healthy ones, have ups and downs.  That's life, it happens, but things do not get out of hand, serious allegations aren't lobbed back and forth.  But for the police to get involved - and you're not even married yet - that's a serious red flag that ought to cause you to stop and ponder your future with her.  As in, what you see now is what you'll get later.  And, the best predictor of the future is the past.  Sadly, if you stay in contact with her and she is not in solidly progressing therapy, this past weekend will occur again and again, or worse.

I'm not saying you should end it today.  That may drive her toward worse allegations or other forms of 'acting out', overreaction or retaliation.  However, once you get past this immediate incident and things hopefully calm down, ponder whether you can risk a future together with her.  It's your decision to make, others can only comment and make observations.  But please do see the pattern of behaviors for what it is.

[Isawthegapagain]

Foreverdad, your concern is well-founded. I have no ability to know what will come except but on the past, and you're right, this could happen again.

I want to protect myself the best I can,

but too knowing that I -do love her-. Breaking things off, changing my phone number,

these things may serve to protect me, but they will send her spiraling off.

There must be ways to protect myself, knowing she is sometimes not in control of her behavior.

I do not see her as the kind of person who would maliciously, falsely, paint me an abuser or worse.

My ignorance my seem glaring to others, but even though this is BPD, each individual has their own unique pathos. That said, my protection is in my control, and I must seek to achieve it.

So I am engaged because I am in love, I do believe in the long term, and while she speaks only now and shows no actions I can discern with proof that she is seeking therapy, I do believe she is interested in doing so, and that does not mean she will be 'non-BPD' for yet at least another few years, if not decades, I do see her, in my (hopefully non-obfuscated) viewpoint.

One, I love her.

Two, I see that as an unnecessary harm, to break-off the engagement.

Three, I love her. That must be repeated, for it is too my faith that she will seek treatment.

For now, I am choosing not to block her, not to take out a no contact, not to do anything but try to passively respond in a detached but earnest way in occasional facebook posts. I'm taking this a day at a time, but let it be known that no matter what is said, done, or seemingly apparent, I love her, I have no interest but in our shared mutual stable futures where we can be productive and compassionate members of the world.

[livednlearned]

Hi gap,

This is the family law board, and members here have usually progressed beyond the stage you're at. You may find good support for what you're feeling on the Undecided board.

If she does accuse you of DV, know that there are people here on the Family law board who have been through that and have much support and advice to offer.

My advice, as someone who waited way, way, way too long to leave, and someone who wanted it to work, before it got dangerous, is to have clear goals, and to stick to them.

For example:

Gap agrees to remain engaged in this relationship but will live separately

Gap agrees to remain engaged only if fiance seeks treatment.

If fiance stops treatment, wedding is off

If fiance makes false allegations of criminal intent, engagement is off

Something like that, so you don't twist in the wind for the next 10 years.

Good luck to you 

[ForeverDad]

This is the family law board, and members here have usually progressed beyond the stage you're at. You may find good support for what you're feeling on the Undecided board.

Quite true.  Here we're likely to be a bit, um, 'direct' since often by the time a member comes to this board the conflict has escalated almost to the point of No Return, often false allegations made, police and courts involved.  However, it is best to make a deep self-examination long before it has gotten to that extreme.

For example, in my case I met my now-ex while a religious volunteer, our first several years of marriage were shared in that work.  After being married for 10 years I thought she'd be happier having a child, seeing the world through a child's eyes of discovery.  (Sorry, in my ignorance I didn't realize that having a child doesn't fix problems, it makes the existing problems vastly more complicated.)  When we finally ended up in family court (2005 to 2013) I was accused of DV and various types of child abuse and perversions to CPS, child therapists, hospitals and family court.  When one allegation didn't work, another slightly different was tried.  And another.  Yes, most cases are not as conflictual as mine has been - and some have been far worse than mine - but you can't predict with certainty whether your relationship will have more than minimal conflict or not.

My point?  I thought my love, determination and sacrifice would cover and resolve all problems.  Sadly, it didn't, the marriage imploded despite my efforts over 7 years ago.  I stayed and kept trying until my own parenting and freedom was placed at risk.  And since we have a child together, I can't just walk away and avoid all contact.  I can't do that until about 2020 when our child is an adult.  Already nearly a decade of my life has been put on hold - literally - dealing with an uncooperative ex and court professionals reluctant to act decisively regarding parenting.

Something like that, so you don't twist in the wind for the next 10 years.

Or 20-30 years in case you have children.

[VeryFree]

@ISTGA

My stbx (we aren’t living together anymore) was in and out T for the last seven years. She never recieved T for BPD, but was diagnosed a year ago for PD, among other things.

She never wanted to speak to me about PD. She only wanted to speak to me about other diagnoses: the more public-acceptable-ones.

She didn’t allow me to get involved in T. The last year she entered T for once a month.

In that last year I started to put pressure on her: I wanted to be involved in her T and even started T myself (she demanded that). Besides that I started building a life besides the marriages: I tried to get her involved, but she refused every time.

Near the end of our r/s the pressure was too high for her I think. The pressure of letting me into her T, into her deepest self. The pressure of me going my own way. It all comes to abandonment issues. In that year matters got from bad to worse. Now I know she was organising our separation for months, maybe even up to a year, meanwhile harrassing me more and more.       

[mavis]

I seldom post, as my BPD is out of my life now, but I feel compelled to make a couple comments about your situation.

First and foremost:  Nothing comes before your survival.  If you cannot survive, you cannot live.   You have been forced to flee from your own home -- and that won't be the last time it happens.  You may end up losing your home.  You may end up arrested and in jail. 

You speak about your anxiety and terror.  You can do something to get rid of this.  You have said that it arises from your BPD.  You can choose to keep your anxiety and terror in your life (and it only gets worse) or you can choose a potentially balanced life.

No one can make decisions for you.  Your future is 100% in your own hands.  The same goes for your BPD.  You can't change her or make her get help.

This is not what love is.

[livednlearned]

I seldom post, as my BPD is out of my life now, but I feel compelled to make a couple comments about your situation.

First and foremost:  Nothing comes before your survival.  If you cannot survive, you cannot live.   You have been forced to flee from your own home -- and that won't be the last time it happens.  You may end up losing your home.  You may end up arrested and in jail. 

You speak about your anxiety and terror.  You can do something to get rid of this.  You have said that it arises from your BPD.  You can choose to keep your anxiety and terror in your life (and it only gets worse) or you can choose a potentially balanced life.

No one can make decisions for you.  Your future is 100% in your own hands.  The same goes for your BPD.  You can't change her or make her get help.

This is not what love is.

This could be a manifesto for anyone in a BPD relationship.

I now see why nons are sometimes considered analogous to addicts. It is so terribly hard to choose a healthy life when you believe abuse and love can coexist in the same person.

[ForeverDad]

First and foremost:  Nothing comes before your survival.  If you cannot survive, you cannot live... .   You speak about your anxiety and terror... .   You can choose to keep your anxiety and terror in your life (and it only gets worse) or you can choose a potentially balanced life.

No one can make decisions for you.  Your future is 100% in your own hands.  The same goes for your BPD.  You can't change her or make her get help.

This is not what love is.

This could be a manifesto for anyone in a BPD relationship.

I now see why nons are sometimes considered analogous to addicts. It is so terribly hard to choose a healthy life when you believe abuse and love can coexist in the same person.

Or the idea that one person's love can make up for the other person's extreme behaviors, whether they be abusive, threatening, controlling, dictatorial, inconsistent, unreasoning, etc.

It takes two people working together consistently for a relationship to be healthy and functional.  Otherwise it is unhealthy and dysfunctional.

[VeryFree]

mavis, livednlearned

Totally agree on this ones. Care for yourself, before caring for another is the way to chose.

Caring for another, before caring for yourself will finish you.

[bpdex]

UGH... .

My advice... . run for the hills and never look back.  The relationship is already toxic, as described, and you're not even married yet.  Read enough posts on here, and you'll begin to realize it will likely only get worse after marriage.  Having said that, I experienced some of the very same scenarios you described, and I wish I wouldn't have been so stubborn looking back.  The "Love" I had for her was an illusion, and I hope and pray that you discover the same thing before taking the plunge.  Trust me, if you do, you'll save yourself a lot of pain and sorrow over the rest of your life. 

Sorry for being such a cynic... .

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud... .