Is this serious?

[Thunderstruck]

Last night SO was looking through old pictures on his computer, trying to choose the ones to keep. His uBPDx took a lot of self photos and would place them in random folders (I suppose for him to find), so pics of her would come up periodically. It would be pics of D8 as a baby, and then a random photo of D8's mom in her underwear. Well SO and D8 were looking through the photos together and when one of these self shots came up, D8 commented about it. She said her mom takes photos of her chest with no shirt or bra on to send to her boyfriends. Then she said her mom takes photos of her privates to send to her boyfriends too. We asked her how she knew this, and she said her mom shows her.

This doesn't seem ok to me. Is this ok? Is this abuse? Do we report this, or leave it alone?

[DreamGirl]

I do think it's serious.

It's serious if it happened and it's a very serious accusation.

I always encourage third party interventions in these types of cases - like a therapist. They are better equipped in handling the situation and are mandatory reporters.

[mamachelle]

Yes, I second that. I would not label it as "abuse" as in saying "I think D8 is being abused or in an abusive situation" rather say ':)8 has said some things that are very concerning ... . ' Let the experts label it. I also think you can mention some of the other things going on at this point including D8's melt down behaviors. Go back through your posts here and look for these other things that have been going on with mom and with her.

In my case with my two DD there were many small things then ONE BIG THING that really added up. These details reported to authority figures and not editorialized as 'abuse' so to speak-- will help the therapist.

Please keep us posted. I'm no expert but I've been down a road like this and hoping for a break for your D8 soon. What she's been dealing with seems really frightening and confusing.


mamachelle

[Matt]

My kids were 8 and 10 when we separated, and the separation was unexpected and stressful for them.

I talked with the counselor at their school and got a referral to a private counselor, who turned out to be great.

Taking the kids to a counselor lets a professional deal with stuff like this that is (as DG and Mamachelle say) very serious if it happened and a serious accusation to make.

Taking D8 to a counselor will probably have other benefits too - she'll learn new coping skills for example.

[Thunderstruck]

Thanks all. This feels, to me, like a situation where BM's enmeshment with D8 stepped a bit too far over the line. Probably the courts and professionals would overlook the co-sleeping, no boundaries (open doors while using the restroom), teaching D8 about "adult" things (suicide, vibrator, sexting, drug overdoses) individually. Hopefully with D8 talking to a T, we can show that it's a pattern and counteract some of the damage.

The challenge with getting D8 to see a T is that we typically only have her on the weekends and random weeknights. SO is on board with finding a T. I like the idea a lot, it gives us an objective person who can find out the truth to the situation and report it if needed.

[Matt]

Make sure you treat the therapist as you would a medical doctor;  that is, as a resource for D8, not as a participant in the battle between the parents.

If, over time, the therapist learns enough to step forward and influence the custody situation, so be it.  But let all your words and actions show you are providing D8 with someone who can help her, not looking for an ally.

[Thunderstruck]

Definitely, Matt. As mamachelle pointed out, there are other behavioral issues going on with D8 that we have been wanting to find a therapist to work with her on. It just gives me security, knowing that if there is a serious issue then they would report it. Right now SO would be happy with 50/50 custody settled via mediation, so battling it out in court is not in our heads (he doesn't want to and can't afford it!). We've always said "Mom may not be perfect, but she feeds and clothes D8 and she's in school with good grades so things must be ok."

Last night D8 wanted to touch my feet and I said no (I'm insanely ticklish) and she said "I won't touch them sexually... . ". Sexually? I don't think she's being physically abused, but it's stuff like this... . her childhood innocence is being taken away too soon (in my opinion). It'd be nice to have an outsider like a T's opinion. If anything, it may convince SO to fight harder.

[Matt]

Getting a lot of information out in the open may lead to a settlement that leaves D8 in her mom's care less often.

[DreamGirl]

So, I think it's important in these situations not to be overly involved in the going ons in the other house... .

Unless of course there are signs of abuse.

I wanted to share this from the US Department of Health and Services: https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/signs.cfm

Recognizing Child Abuse

The following signs may signal the presence of child abuse or neglect.

The Child:

-Shows sudden changes in behavior or school performance

-Has not received help for physical or medical problems brought to the parents' attention

-Has learning problems (or difficulty concentrating) that cannot be attributed to specific physical or psychological causes

-Is always watchful, as though preparing for something bad to happen

-Lacks adult supervision

-Is overly compliant, passive, or withdrawn

-Comes to school or other activities early, stays late, and does not want to go home

The Parent:

-Shows little concern for the child

-Denies the existence of—or blames the child for—the child's problems in school or at home

-Asks teachers or other caregivers to use harsh physical discipline if the child misbehaves

-Sees the child as entirely bad, worthless, or burdensome

-Demands a level of physical or academic performance the child cannot achieve

-Looks primarily to the child for care, attention, and satisfaction of emotional needs

The Parent and Child:

-Rarely touch or look at each other

-Consider their relationship entirely negative

-State that they do not like each other


Types of Abuse

The following are some signs often associated with particular types of child abuse and neglect: physical abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, and emotional abuse. It is important to note, however, that these types of abuse are more typically found in combination than alone. A physically abused child, for example, is often emotionally abused as well, and a sexually abused child also may be neglected.


Signs of Physical Abuse

Consider the possibility of physical abuse when the child:

-Has unexplained burns, bites, bruises, broken bones, or black eyes

-Has fading bruises or other marks noticeable after an absence from school

-Seems frightened of the parents and protests or cries when it is time to go home

-Shrinks at the approach of adults

-Reports injury by a parent or another adult caregiver

Consider the possibility of physical abuse when the parent or other adult caregiver:

-Offers conflicting, unconvincing, or no explanation for the child's injury

-Describes the child as "evil," or in some other very negative way

-Uses harsh physical discipline with the child

-Has a history of abuse as a child

Signs of Neglect

Consider the possibility of neglect when the child:

-Is frequently absent from school

-Begs or steals food or money

-Lacks needed medical or dental care, immunizations, or glasses

-Is consistently dirty and has severe body odor

-Lacks sufficient clothing for the weather

-Abuses alcohol or other drugs

-States that there is no one at home to provide care

Consider the possibility of neglect when the parent or other adult caregiver:

-Appears to be indifferent to the child

-Seems apathetic or depressed

-Behaves irrationally or in a bizarre manner

-Is abusing alcohol or other drugs

Signs of Sexual Abuse

Consider the possibility of sexual abuse when the child:

-Has difficulty walking or sitting

-Suddenly refuses to change for gym or to participate in physical activities

-Reports nightmares or bedwetting

-Experiences a sudden change in appetite

-Demonstrates bizarre, sophisticated, or unusual sexual knowledge or behavior

-Becomes pregnant or contracts a venereal disease, particularly if under age 14

-Runs away

-Reports sexual abuse by a parent or another adult caregiver

Consider the possibility of sexual abuse when the parent or other adult caregiver:

-Is unduly protective of the child or severely limits the child's contact with other children, especially of the opposite sex

-Is secretive and isolated

-Is jealous or controlling with family members


Signs of Emotional Maltreatment

Consider the possibility of emotional maltreatment when the child:

-Shows extremes in behavior, such as overly compliant or demanding behavior, extreme passivity, or aggression

-Is either inappropriately adult (parenting other children, for example) or inappropriately infantile (frequently rocking or head-banging, for example)

-Is delayed in physical or emotional development

-Has attempted suicide

-Reports a lack of attachment to the parent

Consider the possibility of emotional maltreatment when the parent or other adult caregiver:

-Constantly blames, belittles, or berates the child

-Is unconcerned about the child and refuses to consider offers of help for the child's problems

-Overtly rejects the child

A pwBPD has been known to struggle in boundaries and won't have the best guage as far as to what is appropriate v.  inappropriate. My stepkid's Mama will involve her daughters in adult issues that probably would be best left to the grown ups (relationship issues, financial problems, etc.). She does, however, have good enough sense not to involve them in certain things - sexual texting, sexual discussions, etc.

I don't really know what is going on with your Stepdaughter. How many of the signs is she exhibiting, Thunderstruck?

If it were me, I see some pretty significant behavior that would cause me to be concerned. I also know that a court case can cause me to lose part of my logical sense and start acting on emotions. The mother of my stepkids could not do anything right during their custody dispute. I was thinking/acting based solely on my emotions (fear, anger, frustration).

Get a therapist/counselor. There are plenty who do weekend appointments. If you are currently in a court case, you should probably present it to the ex and if she objects, let her petition the court - but be agreeable, and let her know that you are doing it because you want your SD to be OK and that you want her to be involved.

Trying to save on costs by agreeing is really smart... .

Sometimes the welfare of the child is more important. A counselor for the child is also a really good participant in these court proceedings... . because not only do they help us in seeing the bigger picture, they are skilled in helping these kids cope.

-DreamGirl

[Free One]

 

Looking at this as if I was a complete outsider with no information about mom or BPD, this would horrify and concern me: A child tells you an adult is showing her pictures of her private areas. In what context is this ever ok?

I'm afraid sometimes we grow so accustomed to pwBPD's behavior that we start to accept it as normal. Maybe we become desensitized to it. Maybe it's residual fog. You wouldn't accept this if your child told you some random guy on the street showed her the pics.

Just my 2 cents.

[ForeverDad]

The fact is - okay, just my conclusion based on my experience - this is another thing like DV where a man would likely get sterner reactions and consequences for his actions than a woman.  Also, some things that happen within the family may get a pass (not seen as actionable) that would be objectionable or worse (actionable) for relatives or strangers.

DV... . I called the police about threats made against me.  Yes, she was arrested but her case was dismissed at trial.  One reason the judge mentioned was that there had been no mention of a weapon in her hands.  I can't imagine me, as the other gender, making emphatic death threats without some sort of consequences, weapon or no weapon.

Parenting... . During the last couple years together and also in that last week - therefore I don't know how long it continued after that - when distressed she called our child to her to hold her breasts "to comfort him".  No one listened to me.  Maybe it wasn't seen as 'bad' or 'bad enough' since mothers can breastfeed.  Well, she had stopped nursing over two years earlier.

[Free One]

The fact is - okay, just my conclusion based on my experience - this is another thing like DV where a man would likely get sterner reactions and consequences for his actions than a woman.  Also, some things that happen within the family may get a pass (not seen as actionable) that would be objectionable or worse (actionable) for relatives or strangers.

Sadly, I think you might be right on this.