Possible to support uBPDW admitting she needs help ?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Can someone please advise how much support we should give our SO's when they tell us they ain't take it anymore and do refer themselves for psychiatric evaluation.

It seems very catch 22, that most opinion says if they seek help, they aren't true BPD ?  Whilst there are few success stories and a very small percentage who admit awareness, what about those that do?  Yesterday my separated W confessed to me that no one else knows of her admission to me and she cannot talk to any of her friends or family about something so personal - If I am not there for her, she may not continue without support, or is tough love the best way so she can go it alone?

Whilst I know we cannot do it for them and have made that clear, does that mean we should cut contact until they can prove they are serious or should we remain there as a supportive listener (without picking up the reins)?

I feel fortunate that she has finally accepted her responsibility (even if she is unable to explain why she had an affair), acknowledged she has mental problems and even re-iterated that she doesn't want to be diagnosed as mentally ill - where do we draw the line - I can't find much information on how we can support - do we simply enforce our boundaries when they request us to help?

Any advice is most welcome, I can only seem to locate extremes of advice (some saying get out while you can- others saying therapy made a huge difference to the relationship... .

whichwayisup

[Whichwayisup]

Can someone please advise how much support we should give our SO's when they tell us they ain't take it anymore and do refer themselves for psychiatric evaluation.

It seems very catch 22, that most opinion says if they seek help, they aren't true BPD ?  Whilst there are few success stories and a very small percentage who admit awareness, what about those that do?  Yesterday my separated W confessed to me that no one else knows of her admission to me and she cannot talk to any of her friends or family about something so personal - If I am not there for her, she may not continue without support, or is tough love the best way so she can go it alone?

Whilst I know we cannot do it for them and have made that clear, does that mean we should cut contact until they can prove they are serious or should we remain there as a supportive listener (without picking up the reins)?

I feel fortunate that she has finally accepted her responsibility (even if she is unable to explain why she had an affair), acknowledged she has mental problems and even re-iterated that she doesn't want to be diagnosed as mentally ill - where do we draw the line - I can't find much information on how we can support - do we simply enforce our boundaries when they request us to help?

Any advice is most welcome, I can only seem to locate extremes of advice (some saying get out while you can- others saying therapy made a huge difference to the relationship... .

whichwayisup

[bruceli]

Although you would like to think that she has finally seen the light... . Due to you being seperated at the moment... . This GREAT INSIGHT may just be a ploy to recycle... .

[Whichwayisup]

Thanks Bruceli,

There's always the chance that could be the case... . I suspect her opening up to me in January triggered her intimacy/abandonment fears subconsciously and I actually predicted the affair from the research I had done here while she went through a period of dysregulated behaviour (she claims not to member a lot of it currently, she was in a bad way)... . In 13 yrs prior I am confident she has not cheated on me. I'm viewing this as an isolated episode.

Now she is referred to psychiatric help and starting counselling next thur.  She may well drop out and not continue the path... . If that's the case, the separation becomes permanent... . I am protected in that way... .

My query is, what's the best way to handle it on the assumption that she may genuinely want to recover... . Even if our marriage doesn't survive, I see the benefits for our kids... .

Cheers,

Whichwayisup

[Whichwayisup]

Just realised this is addressed on the thread just below 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=204616.msg12277612#msg12277612

[bruceli]

Thanks Bruceli,

There's always the chance that could be the case... . I suspect her opening up to me in January triggered her intimacy/abandonment fears subconsciously and I actually predicted the affair from the research I had done here while she went through a period of dysregulated behaviour (she claims not to member a lot of it currently, she was in a bad way)... . In 13 yrs prior I am confident she has not cheated on me. I'm viewing this as an isolated episode.

Now she is referred to psychiatric help and starting counselling next thur.  She may well drop out and not continue the path... . If that's the case, the separation becomes permanent... . I am protected in that way... .

My query is, what's the best way to handle it on the assumption that she may genuinely want to recover... . Even if our marriage doesn't survive, I see the benefits for our kids... .

Cheers,

Whichwayisup

If you feel this is sincerely the case, then by all means support her in every way you can and hope she stays the course... .