i hate it

[goldylamont]

i hate the fact that i'm still affected by this, it's so annoying. i haven't started a post in a while, in general i'm doing really well but just feeling vulnerable now for a few reasons. one is that i'm in the process of ending an almost year long r/s with a truly beautiful woman (the first love i've had since exBPD) and i feel a bit confused and guilty about it. i don't want to see her hurt and miss our company. two is, i'm in the process of quitting smoking, which i'm so happy about but it's just damn hard--kids cigarettes are the 2nd stupidest and dangerous thing in the world to get addicted to other than a pwBPD! third, and this is what's annoying me so much right now is that i'm having such a reaction to seeing pics of my exBPD on fb recently posted by a friend. i'm really embarrassed to say these things because i feel it's so weak but i've learned in life to run towards and through uncomfortableness and embarrassment as my best way to deal. it's better for me to get it out first and shrug it off later. i've seen pics of my exBPD with other guys (months ago) and of course this made me anxious at the time. but i'm much further along now and disappointed i'm affected so much. the pics are of some friends of mine, one of the few who are actually still friends with her. and they are just having a good time drinking and taking playful drunk-pics. my friends are a couple, guy/girl and the girl was actually one of the few friends my ex had when we were in the r/s that i really liked; happy for ex to have a friend. but the girl is kind of play kissing on my ex not really too suggestive but it's setting of a paranoia i have--get this, i'm scared they're going to have some freaky threesome now!  and it's totally not justified for me to feel this way, like i said i just need to get it out. my friends, the couple, i'm not sure if they themselves swing like this but i know both of them did in previous relationships. and in general my mind has been running wild lately wondering if my exBPD is scheming against me or lying about me. so far i've only uncovered a few things she's said about me to others so i think it's contained but i just hate the paranoia of not knowing, you know? about 4 months ago she moved into a house half a block away from me then started contacting me again but fortunately i didn't take the bait (i was secure in my just-now-ending r/s and would never hurt the woman i was with). she (exBPDgf) was hinting to friends how i wasn't really such a bad guy after she just broke up terribly with bf #2 in one year and somehow moves out of his place and next to me, without mentioning she moved next to me. i found out from neighbors. then noticed she was parking her car a few times close to mine. this stopped a couple months ago. the main worries i have now is that she's trying to stay close to me to spread more of her poison and lies. i do volunteer work in the neighborhood and she moved into a building owned by one of the neighborhood coordinators. we've been on good terms (both with exBPD and landlord) but lately the landlord/coordinator guy hasn't been responding to my emails about volunteer work. and i have this paranoia that she's poisoning him about me to punish me for not communicating with her much when she reached out. again, this is just my paranoia now and all i can do is wait for it to pass i guess. threesomes with *my* friends and conspiracies with my neighbors are not thoughts i like having in my head! this one is on me, i know, it just sucks to be around someone who is so untrustworthy. i got a little sick feeling in my gut and slightly shaky just seeing those pics. i'm going to work my way through it with meditation and try not to overreact i guess. that is all 

[Elsegundo]

What do you usually do to soothe yourself?

[123Phoebe]

Goldylamont, just want to say that your honesty is really cool

I think it's pretty normal to have the paranoid thoughts, especially considering your situation; her moving in so close.

And that you're going to remedy the thoughts because you recognize them as unwanted?  Good stuff!

Keep on moving through it... .

[goldylamont]

i meditate oohhhhmmmm!  and i look at the pics to trigger whatever reaction i'm having, i like to get close to this feeling so that i can acclimate my body to feeling this way and work my way through it. like i mentioned for me i always try to run towards my fears and issues in a controlled manner so i can understand them so i friggin dose myself and make myself look at the pics, and try to work until it hurts less.

months ago i had a private thought--that my exBPD couldn't really do any more damage to me, i mean she's thrown other men in my face i've been through this twice, and i'm out of the r/s so the bulk of the abuse is gone. but one of my secret fears was that she would try to infiltrate back into my circle of friends (i have many, she has few) and have sex with them to punish me more. it's completely ludicrous, i know, i have nothing to base this on but it's also the only way i could see her truly trying to punish me further, so sadly it's somewhat possible. i can just hear her saying "oh get over yourself! i don't even care about you anymore!"  but for reals i wouldn't put anything past her at this point 

the double whammy is that i have the strong urge to want to hold and be with my last ex, the lovely and healthy one. i just want to hold her now, and i'm resisting the urge as this would be selfish on my part. i gotta move through this on my own and don't have cigarettes to stinkify my way throughhhhhh!AAAAAAAHH!     :'(    

[goldylamont]

just went back to make myself look at the pics again--so nice! very little negative reaction and i was able to enjoy just seeing people being happy and having fun. i think i may need to use this technique more often. i just sat with the good vibes and acceptance for a while. really there's nothing i can do and i'm happy i was able to have such a huge shift in perspective. it's so easy to get stuck on the negative vibe. i'll hold onto the good a little bit longer

[nolisan]

If you meditate you can quit smoking - trust me.

I had several years quit (meditating helped a lot) when the exBPD (a smoker) came along. Hmmm ... . what is the first thing that comes after hot BPD sex? Yep ... . a smoke.

I am two days quit and  9 months out of BPD r/s. I didn't even try for the first while. I find my relapses of thinking about her and my relapses in smoking go hand in hand. I have a good feeling about this quit.

Regarding the Ex Mark Twain said: "The worst things in my life never actually happened".

My suggestion: concentrate on the smoking quit - it is an an action of metta towards yourself and everything around you.

[goldylamont]

nolison! thank you so much! i didn't even mention this before in my post but you literally read my mind. i completely link smoking and negative thoughts about BPD r/s together as something i have to detach from and move away from. my smoking habit is my own responsibility i was doing it before we met (we both smoked though), but during our breakup something snapped and i doubled how much i was smoking while trying to recover mentally. and i've always felt like moving past this addiction and the bad breakup were kind of related in my thoughts.

also good to know that meditation helped you i will continue to do this. and, can you tell me what you mean by "action of metta towards yourself"? thanks again.

[goldylamont]

update--i'm not crazy or paranoid 

was talking with a mutual friend today and without prompting from me, he says--"hey, did you see those pics on fb of your ex and our friends where [lady friend] and her were making out?". then he goes to tell me "yeah, you know they [our friends, the couple] are both swingers, not sure if they still do this but i dunno those pics are pretty suggestive".

so, ya, at least it's good to know that perhaps i'm not too paranoid. since a different person came to the same conclusion after seeing those pics. this actually opened up a big dialogue between us, and i told him pretty much everything about me discovering BPD, and that months ago i had the thought that the only way my ex could try to continue to punish me would be to sleep with my friends (sleeping with other guys i don't know has lost its effect, i mean we've been broken up for a while).

all in all i won't hate the couple if they do end up doing something with my ex, b/c i know how manipulative she is. but honestly if i talk to them i may at least try to warn them. i'm sure if my ex gets involved in their r/s she will do everything in her power to split them apart and make them hate each other... . then leave and go tell new people about how she was abused somehow by them, and then laugh b/c in some sick way she feels as if she's hurting me too, all in one swing! regardless of what happens between them, i just don't feel any animosity towards my friends for being involved and i'm happy about this. still, so sad to think of how low a person could sink