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Author Topic: Got an email  (Read 756 times)
Ahhhh431
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« on: July 05, 2013, 10:32:29 AM »

About 2 months out of the relationship I got an email after NC (besides her emailing me a few times) -- she wanted me to know that she was not the one spreading rumors of me or trying to make me look bad... . and she would "never" want to hurt me or do anything like that... . She also through in how she loves me like "a brother" and wanted me to email her to share how I feel towards her.

I didn't email back so she texted me asking me to check my email, I did not respond to the email so she kept texting me and finally asked "do you hate me" I told her I didn't and she apologized for everything but when I told her I didn't hate her she got overly excited and was like "really?" And sent these overly joyous text messages following... . She then asked if we could start acknowledging one another as we work on the same campus... . I told her we could but we for some reason the ignoring continued. After that conversation I didn't hear from

her for another six weeks (she was hanging with a new guy, of course just a "friend"

My question is what was that email about? Just to clear her name? Just to look good in my eyes, to make sure I wasn't mad at her so she could forgive herself?

Then to act super happy after I said I wasn't mad and act like your going to take steps towards us being friends or whatever again she just drops it... .

Then she was saying how she loved me "like a brother" then called me on the phone 2 months later and was saying baby, sweetheart, I miss you, I love etc... . What does this mean? So confused
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charred
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« Reply #1 on: July 05, 2013, 10:39:11 AM »

Sounds like a manipulation/trolling exercise to me.

Its not me spreading rumors... . implies someone IS spreading rumors and is likely to cause you concern or a reply back.

The no reply ... . leading to her saying check your email... . another manipulation.

I had similar ones from my exBPDgf; She said great news in a txt... . and nothing else. Then sent a check your email, then finally left a vague voicemail (I had her set to go direct to voicemail, my phone can do that thankfully)... . and after a few days she left a voicemail about how it was great news... . she thought she might have Herpes from 15 yrs ago, but tests showed she didn't so now her new boyfriend is so excited... .

So behind it all was a dig.

Though ironically... . she posted pics of her/him on FB, and how wonderful he was, had pics of them close to my house (some 200 miles from where she lives)... . and then it was quiet and she was talking about needing a procedure on FB... . turned out she got an STD from the guy she who was so excited she didnt have Herpes.  Its comical if you can de-personalize it enough to see the humor.

Anyway, I managed to keep N/C. And suggest you do to.
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seeking balance
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« Reply #2 on: July 05, 2013, 10:45:48 AM »

The email was about her needing validation from someone.  Simply, emotional hole needs filling and you are on the list of sources for her... . it wasn't about you or your emotional health.  At one point in your relationship you fulfilled this need, the need arose and she "remembered" this about you.

It is not really about you - sorry that that may sting a bit.

This is the disorder - a healthy person can self soothe when sad or intense feelings arise.

So, are you confused because her actions and words are not aligned, or does something else have you confused?
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Ahhhh431
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« Reply #3 on: July 05, 2013, 10:56:31 AM »

Mainly that the actions and words don't align. She says one thing, does another, and then if I ever give her my interpretation of what really happened it was always explained away by her and made me to look like I was controlling or paranoid when in fact 90% of the time I was right about what I said anyways.

So I'm assuming from what you said that she was feeling bad about herself and needed me to validate or make her feel better? So it wasn't about me personally but about what I could give her?

That sucks but at the same time is slightly freeing. I guess I've been worried that I just wasn't good enough for her or she wouldn't have treated me the way she did (hiding me from her friends, breaking up every few days and coming back, not hanging out but maybe once a week) I guess I've been worried one day a guy will come along that is "good enough" in her eyes and she will do everything I wanted for him... . She told me on e "you don't understand it's not you I do this with every boyfriend I had" I'm not sure If I should believe that or if it was just me... .
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babyducks
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« Reply #4 on: July 05, 2013, 10:57:40 AM »

I did not respond to the email so she kept texting me and finally asked "do you hate me" I told her I didn't and she apologized for everything but when I told her I didn't hate her she got overly excited and was like "really?"

Hi Ahhhhh431,

I just went through something like this with my Ex.   The 'check in' to find out if I hated her or not.  There was a lot of maneuvering to get to the point.   The bottom line was she was feeling badly about herself,  and did what she always does, reached out to external sources to regulate her emotions.   

It was hard on me because it pulled hard on my heart strings.  Seeking Balance nailed it for me.   The contact wasn't about me at all,  she never stopped to think how I would feel to be contacted,  didn't consider if it would hurt me, or if she did consider it, her driving need to be soothed out rode any hesitation, it was another exercise in "make me feel better so I can go on with my life doing what I want".

I've made a decision to not do that anymore.   My stock answer to her is some variant of "I don't think its a good idea for us to talk.  Its not good for me, in the place I am in right now."

be well

babyducks
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charred
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« Reply #5 on: July 05, 2013, 11:03:11 AM »

I agree with SB, it wasn't about you.

But ... . I don't have a stock answer... . I stay N/C as any answer is a reply and is the start of getting pulled back in to the toxic r/s.

So if recycling is what you want, reply, if not, don't. And if it is what you want... . don't have your hopes up very much that it will be getting back together, it may just be them wanting a momentary source of validation.

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Sleep doc
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« Reply #6 on: July 05, 2013, 11:03:19 AM »

It sounds like you are confused by her dichotomous feelings (ie. one moment she is telling you that she loves you like a brother and then informing you sometime later that she has feelings for you).  I remember early in my medical career there used to be this really abusive patient, just would hurl insults and anything else you could think of at anyone in his vicinity.  Come to find out later that he actually had a frontal lobe tumor and once it was removed he became the nicest person in the world.  Sometimes the person is the disorder and the disorder is the person.  She is looking for you to do something she cannot herself do which is solve her feelings of emptiness.  It is even more sad that the next relationship can't ultimately solve that problem either.  I'm shocked when I hear stories here of people being married to BPD people for 10, 20 even 30 years... . amazing.   What these people must be willing to withstand is amazing to me.  

I guess if you subscribe to the theory that you only live once, living it attempting to figure out the actions of someone who is truly mentally ill is a waste of time.  Like all of us physicians who wasted a good one month sedating, and debating this patients health until one of us actually said, "maybe we should give this guy a CAT scan".  It is best to realize she has a problem, and that you can get encompassed if you stick around in anyway.  Charred is right - all of it is manipulation.  I've gotten everything from I miss you in my life, to it's both of our collective fault, to let me show you how great a friend I can be to you - all from the same person who told me to stop touching her, would call from the new guys house when we were "friends" after they had engaged in sexual intercourse, and stated people died who never died in an effort to get me to sympathize and continue being attached to her.  :)o yourself a favor and don't bother to figure it out.  Just let it go.  I'm at the point of my recovery where I am happy I didn't blow up my life, and glad that I have given her the opportunity to meet someone she can scale with.  Honestly, I respect HER enough not to contact her and the fact she doesn't do the same speaks more to her illness than anything.  I have no room for sadness, or sadly for empathy really.  I just have time to move on.  So should you... . and it sounds like you are on your way.  :)on't let her derail you... . because the women who is ready to love you the way you deserve you haven't met yet because this one is still trying to stay on your mind.  Realize it is unfair to the love of your life, and give that next person the fighting chance for you heart she deserves.

Good luck and god bless... .
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seeking balance
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« Reply #7 on: July 05, 2013, 11:37:49 AM »

So I'm assuming from what you said that she was feeling bad about herself and needed me to validate or make her feel better? So it wasn't about me personally but about what I could give her?

Not necessarily bad about herself - it is about abandonment for the most part.  She was alone.  She didn't want to be alone feeling ... . heck, a lot of nons suffer from this which is how we end up letting someone we know is bad for us come around... . loneliness.

With BPD, abandonment (fear of) is crippling and can show itself in very maladaptive coping skills.  Reaching out to you is not really one of the worst tools in her tool belt. 

So, she reaches out - you are nice... . then she pushes you away.  Yep, that same fear of abandonment is at work - and guess what, it is either REAL or PERCEIVED.  Fun times figuring that one out.

It was not about you - it is the disorder.  You are a band-aid at this point.

Now, keep in mind - the relationship was real, it is just you are looking at it through very different lens'.

My suggestion is to NOT assume anything - watch the actions, not the words.  Know yourself and what you can or cannot handle so you can detach and move on with your life.
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