Does my Boyfriend have borderline?

[VeryConfusedGirl]

I have been with my boyfriend for a few months, (known him for 5). He fell in love with me very quickly - after about 3 dates. He would write me  inordinate amounts of poetry where he would confess his undying love for me and would compliment me non stop. Sometimes that would be all that he would do. Compliment after compliment and it did feel amazing, I have to say. He also very quickly started talking about marriage and moving in, in a span of just a week.

I noticed some bizarre behavior. He would get very upset at little things. Like once I said never mind and he blew up. Started screaming at me, demanding to know how many guys I've been with, then telling me I'm hiding things. I don't  know where all that is coming from.

I caught him lying about where he was, he covered up his lie expertly. Then on top of that he precedes to blame me. I'm so confused. I don't know what's happening. I have to be extremely careful with what I say around him, I am unsure of what's going to set him off. He's very sweet and loving and does so many things for me but then he can switch and be so callous and cold hearted, accuse me of things I don't or never did. My friend made a joke that I like to drink and he took that as a sign that I've done cocaine and gotten drunk in parks. I don't even know how to respond to that. He cries a lot, like after seeing me he doesn't want to leave me and I think that's sweet. But it is a bit too much? Then when we fight he cries too... . and I personally prefer the crying to the crazy maniac screaming.

Also if something sets his temper off he gives me the silent treatment and doesn't talk to me for days then seems to just forget everything. I'm starting to feel very alone, very neglected and very hurt. He tells me it's my fault, I shouldn't have done this, that I messed up. And I really don't know what he's talking about. I don't even really know what's going on and he even says that, you probably don't even know what the issue is. He also tells me things Like I don't understand. He lies but  it gets turned around and I feel guilty because he tells me that I don't understand him, that I react wrongly.

Once time we were walking in the park and I just said don't touch me because I was upset at him about something and he just couldn't take that. I even apologized profusely and he started telling me all these things he didn't like about me. Then when we got in his car he started driving like a maniac, screaming and swearing, he almost ran over a cat it was pretty distressing.

Right now he is ignoring me because he didn't like the way I reacted to his lie and he said all girls are the same, now you will never trust what I say again and he wants to think about being with me now. Which is wierd cuz he lied but again it's my fault.

And I don't understand how he can go from texting me non stop and wanting to talk to me all the time to just ignoring me like I don't even exist. This period is really hard. I feel really misled, I truely believed that he loved me, and cared for me deeply. He seems to just disappear sometimes on the weekends, like I have no idea what he's even doing. I don't think I can take this anymore.

[SomebodyThatIUsedtoKnow]

While I cannot tell you whether or not your boyfriend has BPD, I can tell you that those behaviors are red flags.  Some of the things you said reminded me of my experience with BPDex.

When we first met, the feeling was incredible.  I've said this in other places, but I know for a fact I will never feel that way with another person ever again... . and I'm married now (to someone else).  It was just indescribable.  He poured love into me night and day.  We would stay up until 1 or 2 AM on the phone and then he would call me at 5:30 AM the next day before he went to work and it would start all over again.  Any minute that I was not in school and he was not working, we were talking.  We started saying, "I love you" like eight days into it (it was LDR, we met online, btw).  We talked about getting married (in the far, far future) and having 2 kids.  He specifically said he wanted 2 kids.  We talked about where we'd live (a neutral location between both of our home states).  It was heaven.

Then, stuff started coming out.  After a couple of weeks of this high-powered romance, I discovered most of what he'd told me was a lie.  Including a big, major thing (he had a KID!).  He was so good at getting out of his lies, though.  He'd either explain it away and I'd believe the sorry excuse, or he'd scream at me and gaslight me... . making me feel crazy or at fault for his behavior.  Ie: "You're just so crazy, I was afraid to tell you the truth!"  Although, that kinda stuff didn't happen until later on down the line.

He never really accused me of cheating, like I notice a lot of people here have experienced.  Instead, he'd make these low blows.  Depending on his mood, we were committed and "together" even though we were not physically together.  If he was in a bad mood or feeling threatened, then it was, "We are not together, so do what you want.  None of this means nothing because we are not together in person."  That was his way of upsetting me and deterring me from doing things he felt would cause me to meet other guys. 

On any given day, I never knew what to expect with him (after that initial three months of bliss).  If I said one wrong thing, he would either blow up or go NC.  Whenever he went NC, he would not warn me ahead of time.  Just something I would say would give him the impression I was going to abandon him and he'd disappear. 

[SadWifeofBPD]

Sounds like Borderline to me.  Gently and carefully back out of this relationship.

My H was very similar but it took him longer to start raging. He fell in love very quickly. Told his family that he was going to marry me after about a month of knowing me (I didn't find out about that til much, much later.)

I do remember the following occuring a few months after we were dating. H was telling me about some intimate relationships that he had had with previous girlfriends. I was fine with that. He asked me for some info, and I shared a small amount and he got VERY upset.  He claimed that my words made him feel inadequate.  I was like, what?   From then on, he could talk about his "single days", but I knew not to talk about mine. 

[HarposGal]

Very similar to stories of my BPDbf... . gets extraordinarily upset at the smallest things. I stopped calling out his lies and poorly hidden secrets because every time I did, he would somehow call MY integrity into question. I became the liar! I remember the time he left an email printed out and placed prominently face up in the middle of his desk. We lived together at the time, he even told me unprompted, "I have nothing to hide, don't feel uncomfortable using my desk, computer, etc... . He had sworn to me upon entering the relationship that he had nothing to do with his ex wife and "he cared nothing for her", they'd had their own lives for many years prior to divorcing. The email clearly proved otherwise. When I asked him about the 'inconsistency' in his stories, he accused me of going through his things, and violating his privacy. He could never trust me again. But as time went on, he wasn't any more careful about hiding his secrets. It was like he wanted me to find out so that he could berate me for snooping, and give him a reason push me away since I was 'untrustworthy'. The transference was one of the earliest flags I got, but had no idea at the time. I was dumbfounded, with each confrontation he stole my complaint before I could make it. Stupidly I started to present proof of his lies or catch him red-handed... . bad idea. You don't want to know how much it hurts to have someone you love look you in the eye and deny with evidence on the table. The depth of delusion is frightening sometimes. I wish I had found this board sooner, before I became a "repeat offender".

[SomebodyThatIUsedtoKnow]

Sounds like Borderline to me.  Gently and carefully back out of this relationship.

My H was very similar but it took him longer to start raging. He fell in love very quickly. Told his family that he was going to marry me after about a month of knowing me (I didn't find out about that til much, much later.)

I do remember the following occuring a few months after we were dating. H was telling me about some intimate relationships that he had had with previous girlfriends. I was fine with that. He asked me for some info, and I shared a small amount and he got VERY upset.  He claimed that my words made him feel inadequate.  I was like, what?   From then on, he could talk about his "single days", but I knew not to talk about mine. 

I think the fast moving, whirlwind romance is indicative of BPD.  With BPDex, things moved so fast, emotionally.  It was insane.  My BIL met his BPDw in March of 2012, moved her in in April, got her pregnant in May, married her in June.  Then, the true colors came out and he feels trapped.

[SomebodyThatIUsedtoKnow]

Very similar to stories of my BPDbf... . gets extraordinarily upset at the smallest things. I stopped calling out his lies and poorly hidden secrets because every time I did, he would somehow call MY integrity into question. I became the liar! I remember the time he left an email printed out and placed prominently face up in the middle of his desk. We lived together at the time, he even told me unprompted, "I have nothing to hide, don't feel uncomfortable using my desk, computer, etc... . He had sworn to me upon entering the relationship that he had nothing to do with his ex wife and "he cared nothing for her", they'd had their own lives for many years prior to divorcing. The email clearly proved otherwise. When I asked him about the 'inconsistency' in his stories, he accused me of going through his things, and violating his privacy. He could never trust me again. But as time went on, he wasn't any more careful about hiding his secrets. It was like he wanted me to find out so that he could berate me for snooping, and give him a reason push me away since I was 'untrustworthy'. The transference was one of the earliest flags I got, but had no idea at the time. I was dumbfounded, with each confrontation he stole my complaint before I could make it. Stupidly I started to present proof of his lies or catch him red-handed... . bad idea. You don't want to know how much it hurts to have someone you love look you in the eye and deny with evidence on the table. The depth of delusion is frightening sometimes. I wish I had found this board sooner, before I became a "repeat offender".

I remember those "setups," too!  Although, I am grateful because BPDex and I were LDR, so my situation wasn't quite as awful as some of yours here.  I keep thinking, "Why didn't I find this sooner?"

[blackorchid]

Sounds like Borderline to me.  Gently and carefully back out of this relationship.


 From then on, he could talk about his "single days", but I knew not to talk about mine. 

I know exactly how that feels  A couple of years before I got together with my BPD boyf I had a few casual dates with a friend from his team.  I didnt even know my boyf at that time.  He hung that round my neck a few times and now I know never to mention the pre-us days.  Its scary how much we change for them isnt it.  Maybe if I knew then what I knew now I would have walked. 8 years on its so much harder to make that break.

VeryConfusedGirl I wish I had found this site at the beginning of this relationship.  I know when youre involved with somebody and have feelings its hard to listen to your head.  But I wish someone had told me to get out in those early days.  I lıve with my BPD boyf and 11 days ago he walked out of our apartment not paying his share of the bills when Im going through job and family problems and he knows I wont have a wage till next month.  Please think carefully about what you do... . If you want to continue the relationship get him to therapy and learn the lessons.  But it is like walking through a minefield... . as you have seen it takes almost nothing to set them off  :'(  If youre hurting  now that hurt will likely just increase over the months/years