how do you handle contempt of custody order?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Ex and I got divorced in March, with no custody agreement.  We have been through a lot of turmoil over custody, but finally got a temporary order in May.  He gets D3 5 out of 14 nights (every other Fri-Mon, and Thur night after his weekend and Tue night before his weekend).  Yesterday, July 4th, he decided it was "his day" because it was a Thur. and asked to have D3 at 10 am.  He sent me a text to this effect on Wed. around 4 pm.  I replied that we have plans already and that we should just stick to the order, which says he gets her at 2:30 on the Tue/Thur until he returns her to daycare the next am.  He said, things like "No, there is no order.  I didn't sign anything.  I never agreed to it.  There's nothing that says 2:30.  I can get her at 10 am or I can make it 8 am, so which do you want?"  I replied that I would pick  her up at 2:30.  He texted me yest. morning that it was after 10 and I wasn't there so was I coming.  I did not reply, since I already told him yesterday that I would bring her at 2:30.  We had people over, swimming, etc from 11-2, who left because I had to take her to meet him.  She screamed and screamed for 20 min, "No! NO!  I Don;t want to go see my Daddy!  I don't want to go to Daddy's house! I want to stay here! I want Mommy!" Crying as hard as she could cry.  I finally got her into the car and brought her over. He basically manhandled her out of my car, kicking and screaming, saying "Well if you had brought her at 10 am... . "  I got more texts and emails from him saying how I ruined his plans for her for his day to go to a family cookout, how it's not as important for her to swim in our pool because it is always there, how I violated our agreement, how he is now going to keep her Fri night to make up the time that I took from him.

OMG!  So, my question is, what is my recourse since there IS a temporary court order of custody if he does NOT bring her to daycare today so that I can get her.  I did email him yesterday that I brought her to him at 2:30 per the order and that I am picking her up at daycare also per the current order.  And I also notified him that I may be taking her to see my parents for the weekend (out of state).  I am currently not checking my email, because I am sure to read something that may upset me, but just planning to head to the daycare after work to get her.  If she is not there, am I supposed to call the police to get her back? Or how does that work when one is in comptempt of the custody order that way?

[nowheretogo]

Ex and I got divorced in March, with no custody agreement.  We have been through a lot of turmoil over custody, but finally got a temporary order in May.  He gets D3 5 out of 14 nights (every other Fri-Mon, and Thur night after his weekend and Tue night before his weekend).  Yesterday, July 4th, he decided it was "his day" because it was a Thur. and asked to have D3 at 10 am.  He sent me a text to this effect on Wed. around 4 pm.  I replied that we have plans already and that we should just stick to the order, which says he gets her at 2:30 on the Tue/Thur until he returns her to daycare the next am.  He said, things like "No, there is no order.  I didn't sign anything.  I never agreed to it.  There's nothing that says 2:30.  I can get her at 10 am or I can make it 8 am, so which do you want?"  I replied that I would pick  her up at 2:30.  He texted me yest. morning that it was after 10 and I wasn't there so was I coming.  I did not reply, since I already told him yesterday that I would bring her at 2:30.  We had people over, swimming, etc from 11-2, who left because I had to take her to meet him.  She screamed and screamed for 20 min, "No! NO!  I Don;t want to go see my Daddy!  I don't want to go to Daddy's house! I want to stay here! I want Mommy!" Crying as hard as she could cry.  I finally got her into the car and brought her over. He basically manhandled her out of my car, kicking and screaming, saying "Well if you had brought her at 10 am... . "  I got more texts and emails from him saying how I ruined his plans for her for his day to go to a family cookout, how it's not as important for her to swim in our pool because it is always there, how I violated our agreement, how he is now going to keep her Fri night to make up the time that I took from him.

OMG!  So, my question is, what is my recourse since there IS a temporary court order of custody if he does NOT bring her to daycare today so that I can get her.  I did email him yesterday that I brought her to him at 2:30 per the order and that I am picking her up at daycare also per the current order.  And I also notified him that I may be taking her to see my parents for the weekend (out of state).  I am currently not checking my email, because I am sure to read something that may upset me, but just planning to head to the daycare after work to get her.  If she is not there, am I supposed to call the police to get her back? Or how does that work when one is in comptempt of the custody order that way?

[catnap]

If he dropped her off today at the daycare:  Would the daycare release her to him in violation of the orders? 

If she is not at the daycare, could you go by the police station and ask if there is an officer available for civil standby to accompany you to his apartment to pick her up?  Your local police probably have a procedure for this.  Just be sure you have your court paperwork to show them. 

I do not have any experience with this, but thinking that talking to the police prior to going to his apartment, and if they will assist it will be a much calmer and less upsetting pick up for D3 and you. 

Hope others who do have experience reply.

[hoping4hope]

First, read the Temporary Order and see if it gives you instructions on who to call if there is a violation.

Second, if it does not indicate what to do, call the Family Court where you got the order and ask them what to do if the TO is violated.

They will know exactly what to do, and direct you to who can help you.

Third, If doesn't sound like you have a lawyer, but if you do, call them.

Get the appropriate authorities involved now.

Keep a record of everything, dates, times, statements.

Do your best to stay calm in these trying times.

 All my best to you.

[nowheretogo]

I contacted the daycare to let them know of the situation.  They have a copy of the order there.  They said that they can let him know that he is not allowed to take her and can call the authorities if he tries to.  I am planning to arrive there to get her around 2:45 pm, and he usually picks her up probably around the same time.  We may be there at the same time... . ugh... . I hate the thought of having to be face to face with him.  I think I am scared of him.  I get so nervous thinking about what is going to take place when I get there... .

[ForeverDad]

Does your temporary order recognize holidays?  If so, then you would need to track who gets her for that holiday - they usually alternate parents from one holiday to the next - and follow the exchange times on the schedule.

His saying he didn't sign the order is no excuse whatsoever.  If it's a court order, then the parents follow the order.

She screamed and screamed for 20 min, "No! NO!  I Don;t want to go see my Daddy!  I don't want to go to Daddy's house! I want to stay here! I want Mommy!" Crying as hard as she could cry.  I finally got her into the car and brought her over. He basically manhandled her out of my car, kicking and screaming, saying "Well if you had brought her at 10 am... . "

Reminds me of my first 2-3 years of exchanges when son was 3-5 years old.  My son always came running to me when I arrived for the exchanges and when I brought him back he was almost always crying and struggling to stay with me.  Naturally, me ex would glare at me accusing, "What did you do to him?"

Sadly, his preschooler clarity faded.  After a few years and as he was older, he 'accepted' the exchanges as the new normal and no longer fought them. :'(

[nowheretogo]

No, there is no recognition of holidays, because the understanding is that it is temporary until the evaluations, etc. are complete, and there are only so many holidays until then.  July 4th is not a recognized holiday on my custody stipulation for my S7.  And by using the 2:30 time, we basically split the day 50/50, right? 

There is nothing worse than the feeling of my heart in a million pieces and the helplessness of having to watch her go, screaming and her eyes pleading me to help her.

[nowheretogo]

Maybe I shouldn't have given daycare the heads up and given him the chance to realize the mistake he's making... .

[Free One]

The police can enforce the custody arrangements in the temp order. He can be charged with with custody interference if he doesn't. Call them to help if there is an issue. Make sure you take your copies of the paperwork to show them. If he does try anything, don't give in, get the police to enforce and document. If you don't put your foot down now, it only gets worse as you proceed.

[livednlearned]

The police can enforce the custody arrangements in the temp order. He can be charged with with custody interference if he doesn't. Call them to help if there is an issue. Make sure you take your copies of the paperwork to show them. If he does try anything, don't give in, get the police to enforce and document. If you don't put your foot down now, it only gets worse as you proceed.

That was not true for me. In my county/state, I was told that cops cannot enforce civil orders. They can do "well-child checks" or "domestic assistance" to make sure that the child is okay, and to make sure that no one gets hurts during a domestic confrontation. S11 was at his dad's house last year when N/BPDx had a psychotic episode, and the cops were very sympathetic, but said that they could not remove S11 from the home.

NWTG, can you call your attorney? Or show up before your ex would show up?

When you are in a position to create a permanent order, make sure they don't just shoo-in the existing one. Ask other people here what they included in their parenting plans so that you know how clear you need to be. It doesn't mean your ex will listen, but it will give you more opportunities to file motions for contempt when he disobeys.

Think of motions for contempt of court as parking tickets -- they start to make a difference when they add up. One or two is not going to get the court worked up, but when they start to reveal a pattern, they get more attention.

So if your ex picked up D3 and has her with him, talk to your L on Monday and file a motion for contempt. And then be prepared for not much to happen... . but don't despair. Eventually his emotional reasoning and irrational behavior will catch up to him.

[Free One]

Obviously this is one where laws vary by location. Keeping a child from the other parent when there is a custody order in place is a felony. All other aspects of the custody order or divorce agreement is a civil issue.

[livednlearned]

Obviously this is one where laws vary by location. Keeping a child from the other parent when there is a custody order in place is a felony. All other aspects of the custody order or divorce agreement is a civil issue.

Where I live, custodial interference is the same thing as parental kidnapping, which is a felony -- but that's different than interpreting the temporary order incorrectly. Good idea for NWTG to check with her L.

[nowheretogo]

As an update, I got her at the daycare that Friday afternoon, and never saw ex.  I don't think he went to attempt to get her.  I don't know if someone at the daycare gave him a heads up or what happened.  He did have his L send my L a letter soon thereafter about how "there was an incident on July 4th where he had planned time to spend with family and I wouldn't allow D3 to go until 2:30 pm."  The order says he gets her on alternating Tue. and Thurs. at 2:30, and that is when he got her.  And he never mentioned anything about a "family get together" until after he texted me that he was waiting for me to bring her to him Thurs. morning.

Sadly, I am only reading many of your replies, now, haven gotten caught up in that thing called life.  I still don't know what the "law" is here as far as whether the police can enforce the temporary order that way. I guess I assumed that they could, because they said they couldn't when there was no order and because the daycare said they could call them if he did try to take her that day.  But I will have to clarify at some point.  I had called my attorney  on the fourth to let him know what was going on, and only heard from him one week later after he had gotten 2 emails from ex's L (one about July 4th and the other about needing to get more stuff from my house). 

If anyone lives in PA and knows, let me know.

Thanks, everyone!

[livednlearned]

As an update, I got her at the daycare that Friday afternoon, and never saw ex.  I don't think he went to attempt to get her.  I don't know if someone at the daycare gave him a heads up or what happened.  He did have his L send my L a letter soon thereafter about how "there was an incident on July 4th where he had planned time to spend with family and I wouldn't allow D3 to go until 2:30 pm."  The order says he gets her on alternating Tue. and Thurs. at 2:30, and that is when he got her.  And he never mentioned anything about a "family get together" until after he texted me that he was waiting for me to bring her to him Thurs. morning.

Sadly, I am only reading many of your replies, now, haven gotten caught up in that thing called life.  I still don't know what the "law" is here as far as whether the police can enforce the temporary order that way. I guess I assumed that they could, because they said they couldn't when there was no order and because the daycare said they could call them if he did try to take her that day.  But I will have to clarify at some point.  I had called my attorney  on the fourth to let him know what was going on, and only heard from him one week later after he had gotten 2 emails from ex's L (one about July 4th and the other about needing to get more stuff from my house). 

If anyone lives in PA and knows, let me know.

Thanks, everyone!

Your ex has a lot of traits in common to mine. Take note that he made a threat and never followed through. Keep track of those times -- it will help you manage your emotions when he makes a threat that truly rattles you. I found a lot of comfort in friends here who were following my case closely, and reminded me that N/BPDx tended to blow smoke and then never follow through. He tends to follow through on threats that he can pull off from a computer, but anything that requires public judgment? Hasn't ever followed through on those threats.

[nowheretogo]

That's true, lnl, it seems.  My ex has always been more threats than action, too.  Doesn't want to reveal himself to everyone like that now, does he?

[Free One]

Take note that he made a threat and never followed through. Keep track of those times -- it will help you manage your emotions when he makes a threat that truly rattles you. I found a lot of comfort in friends here who were following my case closely, and reminded me that N/BPDx tended to blow smoke and then never follow through.

I've had the same experiences with threats, and this is solid advice. It helps to calm you when the threats come up. Pretty soon, the threats seem so ridiculous, you don't even care if they do follow through because it will just show how disordered they are.