Need Advice Regarding Potential Divorce/Custody Arrangements

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I’m currently married to an uBPD wife (29-years-old), while we’re still trying to improve our relationship, my wife has threatened both divorce and taking our S3 back to Europe (where she is from).  We met in Europe roughly five years ago while I (I’m American) was working overseas.  We only moved to the U.S. a little more than a year ago.  For more on our story, please feel free to review my initial post where I detail our full story:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203311.0

While I’m still pursuing an improved marriage with my wife, I fear that either #1 those efforts may simply fail, or #2 her threats may turn into reality before we get the chance for any real improvement.  Either way, my highest priority goal in life is the healthy development of our son... . and because of that, I need to prepare for my above mentioned fears and how they will affect his life.

I’m posting here because want to ask for advice regarding those preparations. 

I have read some people suggest documenting and recording spousal/family interactions. 

Are there any specific kinds of incidents I should be certain to be documenting/recording?

Additionally, am I right in assuming that speaking with an attorney who specializes in these matters may be the right move here?

And if so, is there anyone who would be willing to recommend, or is there perhaps somewhere on this website where I can find, a potential divorce/custody attorney that has experience with BPD (a local attorney, in my area, would be best I imagine)?

If not, does anyone recommend how I might go about finding one?

If anyone has any further general advice about properly preparing for a potential separation/divorce, and the accompanying custody arrangements, I’m certainly open to hearing them - as I mentioned, our son’s welfare and healthy development is my #1 goal in life.  One way or another, things have to change in our lives, but I need to do my best to make sure those changes are as positive and healthy as possible for our son.

Thank you so much for your time.  I sincerely can’t express enough how much I really appreciate it!

[nswtd]

I’m currently married to an uBPD wife (29-years-old), while we’re still trying to improve our relationship, my wife has threatened both divorce and taking our S3 back to Europe (where she is from).  We met in Europe roughly five years ago while I (I’m American) was working overseas.  We only moved to the U.S. a little more than a year ago.  For more on our story, please feel free to review my initial post where I detail our full story:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203311.0

While I’m still pursuing an improved marriage with my wife, I fear that either #1 those efforts may simply fail, or #2 her threats may turn into reality before we get the chance for any real improvement.  Either way, my highest priority goal in life is the healthy development of our son... . and because of that, I need to prepare for my above mentioned fears and how they will affect his life.

I’m posting here because want to ask for advice regarding those preparations. 

I have read some people suggest documenting and recording spousal/family interactions. 

Are there any specific kinds of incidents I should be certain to be documenting/recording?

Additionally, am I right in assuming that speaking with an attorney who specializes in these matters may be the right move here?

And if so, is there anyone who would be willing to recommend, or is there perhaps somewhere on this website where I can find, a potential divorce/custody attorney that has experience with BPD (a local attorney, in my area, would be best I imagine)?

If not, does anyone recommend how I might go about finding one?

If anyone has any further general advice about properly preparing for a potential separation/divorce, and the accompanying custody arrangements, I’m certainly open to hearing them - as I mentioned, our son’s welfare and healthy development is my #1 goal in life.  One way or another, things have to change in our lives, but I need to do my best to make sure those changes are as positive and healthy as possible for our son.

Thank you so much for your time.  I sincerely can’t express enough how much I really appreciate it!

[GaGrl]

The first issue to protect your son and potential divorce related actions would seem, to me, to ensure that you have possession of your son's passport so that his mother cannot leave the country with him. Awhat is the passport status now?

[motherof1yearold]

It's quite rare you would find an attorney actually experienced in BPD, but do look for one who has experience and is PREPARED to handle a high conflict divorce.

Document everything ! Speak through e-mail, texts are not documented as well and often delete themselves automatically (my phone does)

DO NOT talk on the phone , as that cannot be documented and pwBPD tend to understand that they can get away with more that way.

[ForeverDad]

There is little you can do to stop her from leaving the country with your child if you haven't filed for divorce.  Once you have filed and served, then the court is in charge and has the authority to require your spouse to obey the terms of the order.  Therefore, I would suggest you quietly get some confidential consultations and please don't leave any consultation receipts around or get mailings or billings from the lawyer.   Even if you decide not to file for now, have all the paperwork prepared and on hold so you're not desperate to do rushed paperwork at the last minute.

[livednlearned]

It also depends on the countries involved. I cannot leave the US and travel to Canada without a notarized letter of consent from N/BPDxh. I needed that letter even when we were married (child abduction is an issue between the countries, I've learned).

I also learned that a concerned parent can alert US customs so that if N/BPDx ever tried to take S12 out of the country, a file would come up. Of course, this is something that N/BPDx can also do to me. Maybe look into that for your countries to see if there's a similar alert system.

As for recording incidents, I highly recommend keeping a daily journal. Divorcing a pwBPD is very stressful, and you need a document that records facts to help you put together a timeline in court. Your ex will probably use "emotional reasoning" and be loose with the facts, so use any tool you can to help you record what's happening every day.

Record interactions, copy and paste emails (like motherof1yearold said, try to keep your communication to email/text only so you have copies), describe your day, what you and your child did together, things your ex did and said. I did that, and I also entered things into a special Google calendar so I could see an instant timeline (you can print it out as an agenda, which itemizes things in chronological order). Some people use voice recorders to record their spouses -- the legality of recording covertly varies depending on the laws where you are, so ask an L about that.

Have you read Splitting by Bill Eddy? It's the how-to-manual for divorcing a spouse with a PD. Highly recommended. So is Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak, because parental alienation is usually not far behind once you file.

Absolutely get an L. You can consult with several until you find someone you trust. Try Googling "high conflict divorce" in your area or "parental alienation" since both of those will likely lead you to lawyers with expertise dealing with PDs. If you can't find someone with that skill set and expertise, come up with a set of questions for Ls you interview (you may have to pay a small consultation fee, depending on where you live, but it's worth it -- do that before retaining an L, which is likely to cost thousands).

Also, stay positive about getting a good custody arrangement for yourself. Don't think you need to settle for 50/50, especially if you think that might be damaging to your son. If it's best for him to spend majority time with you, then ask for that.