The hardest choice of my life

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Over the past 6 months, my GF has lived with me, and over that time her alcoholism has become apparent. I dated her about three years ago for 8 months, and I knew about her mental health issues, but I also love her very much.  She needed a place to stay and I wanted to give it another shot.

There were many incidents during the past 6 months (sneaking alcohol from locked cabinets, hiding booze, drinking on the job, lying to me, vomiting on herself in a movie theater, cutting, verbally abusive behavior, and more.

Last week she finally admitted she is an alcoholic. We got her started on recovery. Four days later, my father discovered 13 percoset missing from a vial that had once held 19 pills, and was only filled two days prior. This vial was hidden in his dresser, in his bedroom.

It was determined that there simply was no other explanation than my GF had sneaked into the room and stolen them. When confronted, she denied, denied, denied. Then, she said, if there was no other explanation, she could have done it in a "blackout" and not remembered. She said she had also been diagnosed with something else that would explain that, but I can't remember the name. (disassociation... . something?)  This is the story she has stuck to, even after I found an empty vial in her boot that she claimed must have gotten in there by accident at some point.  She insists that if she did it, she doesn't remember doing it.

I told her she would have to move out, and this led to suicide threats, her getting very drunk, police stopping us on the road because I was trying to keep her from walking into the street, her refusal to come back to the house, punching herself in the face, and a lot of anger and cursing.

Finally she calmed down and began crying and asking "why is this happening, just when I was trying to get better, please don't do this, I love you, etc." When she calmed down, she went on to say, "I'm getting better now, just give me one more chance and you can kick me out at the smallest problem, etc"

Okay. So, I think I may be a codependent, because everyone in my life is saying to break up with her and end it, but I still love her and feel like I may want to try and make it work. I told her I had to think, and the past couple nights have been okay. We joke around and I feel comfortable with her, and I don't want to hurt her and uproot her whole life (she lives here, has a job, and doesn't really have anywhere to go).

I know how this sounds. I guess that's why I finally became aware that I may be codependent. Logically, I know my life will be much simpler if I break up with her, but I do still love her and want to do right by her.

Since she does have mental health issues, is it wrong for me to break up with her because of the problems that stem from it?  Should I just detach now?  She says things will change, but I'm not sure I believe it, and I don't know if I can trust her anymore. 

[onipar]

Over the past 6 months, my GF has lived with me, and over that time her alcoholism has become apparent. I dated her about three years ago for 8 months, and I knew about her mental health issues, but I also love her very much.  She needed a place to stay and I wanted to give it another shot.

There were many incidents during the past 6 months (sneaking alcohol from locked cabinets, hiding booze, drinking on the job, lying to me, vomiting on herself in a movie theater, cutting, verbally abusive behavior, and more.

Last week she finally admitted she is an alcoholic. We got her started on recovery. Four days later, my father discovered 13 percoset missing from a vial that had once held 19 pills, and was only filled two days prior. This vial was hidden in his dresser, in his bedroom.

It was determined that there simply was no other explanation than my GF had sneaked into the room and stolen them. When confronted, she denied, denied, denied. Then, she said, if there was no other explanation, she could have done it in a "blackout" and not remembered. She said she had also been diagnosed with something else that would explain that, but I can't remember the name. (disassociation... . something?)  This is the story she has stuck to, even after I found an empty vial in her boot that she claimed must have gotten in there by accident at some point.  She insists that if she did it, she doesn't remember doing it.

I told her she would have to move out, and this led to suicide threats, her getting very drunk, police stopping us on the road because I was trying to keep her from walking into the street, her refusal to come back to the house, punching herself in the face, and a lot of anger and cursing.

Finally she calmed down and began crying and asking "why is this happening, just when I was trying to get better, please don't do this, I love you, etc." When she calmed down, she went on to say, "I'm getting better now, just give me one more chance and you can kick me out at the smallest problem, etc"

Okay. So, I think I may be a codependent, because everyone in my life is saying to break up with her and end it, but I still love her and feel like I may want to try and make it work. I told her I had to think, and the past couple nights have been okay. We joke around and I feel comfortable with her, and I don't want to hurt her and uproot her whole life (she lives here, has a job, and doesn't really have anywhere to go).

I know how this sounds. I guess that's why I finally became aware that I may be codependent. Logically, I know my life will be much simpler if I break up with her, but I do still love her and want to do right by her.

Since she does have mental health issues, is it wrong for me to break up with her because of the problems that stem from it?  Should I just detach now?  She says things will change, but I'm not sure I believe it, and I don't know if I can trust her anymore. 

[motherof1yearold]

Because she was dependent on alcohol, she had to turn to the pills after that ship had sailed. Not surprising. Interesting how she made up the black out story, because the denial and the story BOTH were an attempt to take ALL accountability off of her. She needs to be held accountable or nothing will ever change .

The self mutilation, police run ins, etc. That is going to come to a head. One way or another. It may end up in her being put in  a mental ward involuntarily from an incident, or being arrested for substance abuse. As far as punching herself in the face, how does that exactly work?

Things will never change with her denial and lack of account ability. Substance abuse will also exasperate her issues.

[onipar]

I've seen her do it once.  She just balls up her fist and punches herself.  The last time I didn't actually see it, but her nose was bleeding and the was blood all over her hands and shirt. 

I guess this is what keeps making me rethink my decision:  she says she is ready to really work on recovery and her mental health issues.  She keeps asking, how can I do this right when she's finally ready to get better.

I guess i just don't know if I can believe her.  First, because she won't take responsibility for taking the pills, and second, because she hasn't really proven that she's willing to work on these things.  Well, that's not completely true.  She did stop drinking (except for that one slip when I asked her to leave).  But then, it's only been about a week of sobriety too... .

I keep asking, is this manipulation so she doesn't have to go, or is she being truthful?

Also, there's the other problem of my parents not being comfortable with her being here now, since in their eyes, she's simply a thief. 

[motherof1yearold]

She is technically a thief, and thieves rarely fess up and take responsibility for their mistakes. I wouldn't blame your parents for being uncomfortable around her either.

After only a week, and the denial, and lack of accountability about the pills, I can say for sure she is only manipulating to keep around and keep YOU around. She is avoiding triggering those awful feelings of abandonment.

At this point, you are risking your own sanity and possibly legal issues (cops showing up because she's drunk and loud, etc. ) Could be a big risk to you if she has once again, punched herself in the face, and someone happens to see her face and call the police, you would most likely be pinned. And don't think twice that she wouldn't pin it ON you! With her lack of accountability, and just being a BPD in general, she is very likely to make a false report on you (takes the heat off of her)

You will know she is being truthful about her recovery when you see the results over an extended period of time, definitely not one week. It will be months to a year of her being sober, and in therapy. She should do this alone, with full accountability and not with the motives that she is doing it to avoid you abandoning her.

[onipar]

Thank you, this is great advice.  You're not too far off, because when the police where talking to us, they mentioned the bruises all over her arms in a suspicious way. 

I've been asking for help with this issue across the board (family, friends, online), and I've gotten the same response across the board as well: leave her.  I have become aware that the only thing keeping me from doing so up until this point is my codependency issues.  Those feelings that I am failing her, abandoning her.  The notion that I am responsible for her and this constitutes "giving up on love."  Even worse, the fear of being alone.

I know these are all my own issues too though.  Thanks for the insight.

[motherof1yearold]

You'd be doing her a great favor to separate yourself, set boundaries and encourage her to complete treatment. That is the best thing you can do for her, and yourself. It's a win win.

[onipar]

Thanks again.  I still haven't broken up with her, but I'm working up to it.  I also feel like time apart for her to recover on her own is probably the best idea.

[willtimeheal]

Is she in a recovery program?  Is she working with professionals to stop drinking or doing it on her  own?  My gf is an alcoholic and for 4 years told me she was going to get better and stop. Begged me to help and stand by her. I did. She lasted a week here and a month there but always started again. Finally she saw a doctor and got help. She begged me to stay and stand by her an  promised everything would change. She has been sober for almost a year but quit therapy so although she took pills to stop the craving she never worked on th  issues and never took responsibility for her actions or the hurt she caused. She still blames me for everything that went wrong and is wrong in her life. She left me three months ago for a new  guy. So I stood by and helped he  thru all the tough times and she thru me aside like trash. Let her go for your own sanity.

[onipar]

It's been a while since I posted here.  I felt I should come update you all, and thank you all again for the great help.

So, the big news is that my GF moved out.  After many discussions and coming to terms with how things were working, she found a place to live.  The thing is, the place she found is five minutes down the road.

Probably largely due to this, we kept seeing each other through the move, and are still dating.  Things aren't good and they aren't bad.  They just "are."

She has had a hard time adjusting to living alone, but for the most part has been responsible. 

It's been about a month since she moved out, and she told me the other day that she has drank three or four times since leaving here.  I was very disappointed, but not really surprised.  She claims she is still trying to remain sober, but the truth is, she still hasn't gone to a single meeting or support group, she has let her medication lapse due to her own inability to make appointments and "do what she has to do," and frankly, it seems like things will only get worse from here.

Yesterday she told me she doesn't think she will be able to "make it" in the real world without a long term (at least 1 year) stay in a mental hospital.  Maintaining just her apartment and job, in other words, is beyond her ability.

Anyway, that's how things are.  I'm readying myself for a breakup if things get as bad as I think they will.  My guess is that she will continue to drink on and off until it becomes an everyday thing again, at which time she won't have enough money for rent or medication, then she'll lose her job... .

Then she'll lose me.  She knows this.  She knows she can't come back to my house. 

[eyvindr]

Sorry to hear it, onipar. It's a sad situation.

How are you doing with all of this? I would infer from the tone of your post that you're resolved to the reality of your situation, and may be feeling emotionally exhausted.

Hang in there.

[onipar]

eyvindr,  thank you.

Yeah, it's been a long 7 months, and this last month or so has been emotionally exhausting.  When everything went down.  In fact, she just called me from work.  I have to get her and bring her to the hospital so she can get her meds.  She's leaving work early to do it.   :'(