Toxic shame and secular healing

[struggli]

I may rub some people the wrong way here, but... .

Are there any good healing books that don't 3/4 of the way through turn into Christian sermons?

I started reading "Codependent No More" and tossed it aside as soon as she started talking about higher powers and whatnot. 

I saw that "Healing the Shame that Binds You" was well-liked, but, again, it steers one in a religious direction which doesn't work for me.

Is there a book/web site/etc that deals with it from a secular perspective?

[motherof1yearold]

Great question.

I've read 'The sabre toothed tiger- The one reason women stay with abusive partners' and I really liked it. It's a short read, and doesn't dip into religion at all.

[charred]

And others will agree with you and want the same kind of book... . me for example.

Found that Pia Mellodies "Facing Codependence" was a much better book than the Beattie ones... . and I read about 5 of those first, and it doesn't veer in to a 12 step program and say with faith it will all be better.

I am wondering if the PBD relationship leads to co-dependence... . directly. Seems like we get in to the r/s, and are dealing with our pwBPD as though they are a parent rather than a normal r/s. We care but put up with more and more bad behavior, while ceasing to make our own decisions, questioning our judgement, and so forth, until it is like cult brainwashing, we are not the person we were before, and we may not even know what we want, or feel anymore because of how the toxic stressful r/s has effected us. We can fit the description for co dependence, and for PTSD... . as we have been through traumatic stress and quit trusting our own judgment.

[struggli]

motherof1yearold,

Do you think the book would apply just as much for a man reading it?

charred,

Does the book you suggested deal with toxic shame?  I am convinced it has what has been a major influence in my life, not just in the romantic relationship realm.  When I was about ten years old, I was labeled as a "genius", yet I work in a mind-numbing physically laborious job as an adult.  I don't believe people's compliments to me.  I don't feel like I am worthy of good things, just "good enough", especially after this breakup.  I tell myself all the reasons why things will fail before I even attempt them.  And so on.

I recently realized I've spent most of my life trying to get others' acceptance, but haven't really found it.  Maybe it's one of those cliche things like "I haven't accepted myself, so how can others accept me"?

[charred]

It doesn't dwell on toxic shame, it discusses what codependence is, where it comes from, how it sabotages our life and has some advice on dealing with it.

After reading it I had an experience at a  Walmart that jived with the book;

I went to Walmart few months ago and a little girl between two to three years old had a sqeegee she picked up and was using like a mop on the floor... . she smiled... . she actually beamed at me she seemed so happy, and it made me feel her joy for a moment. A bit later her folks grabbed her, yelled at her and I could hear her crying. They could have joined her reality, enjoyed the moment and put the squeegee back gently, but that choice to feel magic or shame our child is ours, and there isn't anything to keep us from being happy but our thinking, as it is what makes us see everything as good or bad.

The book points to "the child" as our inner one, or our self if you would rather.

[arabella]

There is an online program called 'The Self-Acceptance Project' (you have to register, but it's free) that many people here have tried and recommended. It's a video series that you can watch online or download to your computer (you can also download just the audio files). I've watched a few of the videos myself and thought they were quite helpful and very well done, each one features a different expert. The ones I watched were not religious. I know the site the Project is hosted on does delve into spiritual realms but it is not religion specific - there are books and guides available for various religious and spiritual practices  (e.g. buddhist meditation practice, awaking your spiritual self, etc) as well as more secular material.

www.live.soundstrue.com/selfacceptance/

[motherof1yearold]

motherof1yearold,

Do you think the book would apply just as much for a man reading it?

charred,

Does the book you suggested deal with toxic shame?  I am convinced it has what has been a major influence in my life, not just in the romantic relationship realm.  When I was about ten years old, I was labeled as a "genius", yet I work in a mind-numbing physically laborious job as an adult.  I don't believe people's compliments to me.  I don't feel like I am worthy of good things, just "good enough", especially after this breakup.  I tell myself all the reasons why things will fail before I even attempt them.  And so on.

I recently realized I've spent most of my life trying to get others' acceptance, but haven't really found it.  Maybe it's one of those cliche things like "I haven't accepted myself, so how can others accept me"?

Struggli, yes I think it would. There is a disclaimer in the beginning of the book that basically says the author just uses the word Man because it is easier . In the disclaimer the author makes it clear that the book applies to all genders and even homosexual/ lesbian couples.