At what point is it enough?

[lostandbroken]

At what point do you say enough?  At what point do you say I'm tired of validating you only to still be made to feel like crap?  At what point do you say enough, my feelings matter too? At what point do you say I need to have my needs met too?  At what point do you say I'm not perfect and niether are you so everything is not my fault? Anyone got any ideas cause I really don't know?

[hellokitty4]

When you've come to realize that with BPDs only their feelings matter.  It is and will always be about them. We cater to their whims in the hope that it will make them feel right. But that doesn't work.

For me enough is enough came after numerous attempts to talk to her. Deaf ears. I was in an accident, not hurt but was stuck in the middle of the road. My mistake was to send her a text before I got on the phone with roadside assistance to let her know I had an accident. She got angry when I couldn't respond to her numerous texts and phone calls to tell her I was okay.  She ran to the hospital to find me. I realize she was worried but she wasn't thinking straight. I find my fault in this... . but the punishment of saying that I did this for attention and stopped communicating with me fit the crime? I don't think so. She only thought of how she felt and not of what I could be going through afterall I was in an accident.

She is still not speaking to me  [6 days]. Now I'm moving to this board. I see no point in trying to reach out to her. I've done my part... . she can reach out to me and if not... . it's her loss. I've been a very good friend to her.  If she doesn't see my worth, then too bad for her.

Enough is when you cannot take the abuse anymore and have to do something for yourself.  The gift of freedom from the chaos.  Love or hope will never be enough.

[overwhelmedandconfused]

I recently started reading through this site and eventually became a member because I was feeling the same as you are. My H and I just went through an extremely bad patch, but since neither of us has any place to go (my H family will not allow him to stay with them and friends have walked away too) (my family way out of state) we deal with it and get into massive arguments. The latest was when for over two weeks I had asked him to go and inquire about jobs in wineries and breweries in our area in the tasting room as his college major and program is in wine marketing. I was not asking for massive work just to see if he could get 10-15 hours a week to help with our increasing bills, especially since I totaled a car and we bought one that was slightly higher than we could afford comfortably but he wanted so badly. Meanwhile I am the only income and it is on me to make sure all the finances work. After two weeks of excuses, I blew up, and told him that if I could not count on him being a partner (doesn't clean, barely cooks, not an active parent, doesn't work and needs my help to get through school) in some aspects of our life,  I would be better off being a single parent and not having to parent him as well. He then went into your leaving I can't trust you and suicidal threats (had loaded gun in mouth). I called the police and had him taken for eval. He was not admitted (barely) and promised to try harder. We went to his psychiatrist (appointments I have resumed attending) who switched his meds because he was rapidly cycling (psych treats him more as bipolar but has co-occurring BPD which makes med management increasingly difficult). Now I am learning better coping techniques, took a day off with the in-laws and went incommunicado for 24 hours so he knew I was serious that I am not putting up with it anymore, he knows that if I need to take a break I will leave again so we can work together more calmly, and am trying to communicate more effectively. Please note that all this is occurring in the time span of 3 weeks and we just started the new meds last week. So far, anytime I see the cycle of negativity starting or he tries picking an argument, I express that I understand he is upset (or whatever feeling), explain that I am not the enemy or admit when I am wrong or misinterpreting him, use an I statement to show him my feelings and express that we are not going there now or that I will not engage him or sometimes ask for clarification on certain issues and this so far seems to be reducing the hostility between us. I also have explained that although he is upset, I have feelings too and that I can not ignore them anymore as it is causing me health problems. I am trying however to express to him that while it may upset him, he does have to realize that it is necessary for me to express myself so that I can feel better and we can improve our relationship. So far these tactics are working. Hope this helps.

[bruceli]

At what point do you say enough?  At what point do you say I'm tired of validating you only to still be made to feel like crap?  At what point do you say enough, my feelings matter too? At what point do you say I need to have my needs met too?  At what point do you say I'm not perfect and niether are you so everything is not my fault? Anyone got any ideas cause I really don't know?

All I can say is you'll know... . Recently got to that point and started to SLOWLY and gently call DW out on her hostile replys and behavior.  Started standing my ground and not being a door mat... . seems to be working... . atleast for now... .