Signs of... something

[Verbena]

I sent a short e-mail to my DD 28 last week after she met with my husband for lunch.  My H said one of her big issues is that I had not contacted her.  I actually have, but I sent another e-mail letting her know I loved her and thought of her every day just as I always have.  There was no response.   However, a few days later she sent me a text of her and her husband on the lake with a message that said, "Happy 4th!  We love y'all!"  Then later she sent a picture of a dish her husband made with the recipe.  All of this was a group text and also went to my husband. 

This is the first communication with her since March that has had nothing to do with my discussing her BPD behavior with her best friend.  It seemed very normal, very pre-March 29 when she found out the friend and I had talked.  I would like to think that she is ready to move on from all of this, but I wonder. A week ago today she was in the same place she has been--angry, hurt, unforgiving, accusing me of mental issues, still fixated on painting the friend black,  unaccountable for her behavior--so I don't know what she's thinking. 

I responded to her texts but didn't initiate a conversation.  I'm just so wary of saying the wrong thing, of getting into the push/pull cycle with her. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

verbena, a small crack in the closed door?  Sounds like keeping it away from anything personal is a smart choice. Enjoy the peace -- one day at a time.

qcr  

[Verbena]

qcr,

Yes, I suppose that's the way to look at it.  I debated until the next day how to respond and decided to keep it very brief--"Love you, too.  Food looks great."  The fact that I didn't use exclamation points was probably an issue (I've known her to make a stink over the lack of them) and the fact that I said so little was probably an issue, too, but I figured that was better than saying too much. 

I've been keeping up with your situation and will keep praying for you and your daughter. 

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Verbena... .

Sounds like progress! I think it looks like she is making a little step forward by contacting you in a friendly manner, and I also think your email back was good and safe. I also struggle with the little things like exclamation points, etc. when communicating with my DIL & S34... . most times I err on the side of smiley faces 

I think you did good. And, I hope it continues... . keep up the faith, and taking baby steps forward.   

[jellibeans]

verbena

Good news... . try to keep the lines of communication open. I know my dd sometimes feels slighted by the samllest thing... . often imagined... . just take it slow... . seems like a step in the right direction!

[griz]

verbena:  I think you did great.  I am so happy that the contact you had was good.  Little steps, little steps.

Griz

[Kate4queen]

Many times my BPD son would suddenly come back and start talking to us like there hadn't been a problem. I think he just didn't want to deal with the issues so he simply pretended nothing had happened. As long as we were in a position where we didn't want to address the fall-out we'd do the same as you, keep it very informal, bland, polite and proceed with caution.

My son will usually do this when he is fixating on the next thing he wants from us, so I've learned to be cautious.

[Verbena]

Kate4queen,

Same here.  My daughter will often just act like whatever happened, didn't happen.  Usually, what happened was some big blow-up on her part, and she would pull me back in by being nice or with a gift.  This time, the issue for her is what I personally did to her--or that's how she sees it.  So I am extra cautious this time because she has made it clear what I need to do to make things right (say that I have BPD, that her friend is a liar, that I don't really believe she needs help), and I can't do that.  We'll see where things go from here. 

[Reality]

Many times my BPD son would suddenly come back and start talking to us like there hadn't been a problem. I think he just didn't want to deal with the issues so he simply pretended nothing had happened.

Vey common with pwBPD.  Once the intense emotional dysregulation lessens, the painful feeling-state is no longer there.  The messy behavior, acting-out disappears as the emotional distress is gone.  This isn't about manipulation, rather dramatic changes in behavior because of different levels of emotional distress. It is not that he didn't want to deal with the issues, rather that the feeling-state has passed and for him, the issue no longer exists.  He is feeling better and hoping against hope that the emotional distress will not be triggered again.  The fears that re-visiting the issue might trigger the drama again.   He is comfortable with the way he is.  He knows he is doing the best he can.  He hopes a fresh start will let him move on, rather than being stuck in more emotional drama and distress.

That being said, firm structure holds the whole thing in place.  The boundaries of other people are the container for pwBPD.  They settle the person.  The less reactive the environment, the less emotional distress for the pwBPD.  

They think they know what is best for them and they actually have no idea sometimes.  They actually have to learn what most people do naturally: take good care of themselves.  Often brilliant souls with no ability to take care of their true needs.  So highly sensitive noticing exclamation marks... .

Verbena,

I think your response was good. Neutral and yet present.

Reality