After 7 Months No Contact... Head Spin

[RedCandle]

Last I heard or saw from him we had a huge fight, he left, I packed my bags and took a two week road trip around the country. Loved every second of the trip, but hated how we parted.

Since then, no contact has really been hard to maintain... . but I've heard through mutual friends that he has been dating and seeing and sleeping with quite a few people. We have not been a couple for two years... . but have repeated the process of "trying to get back together" dozens of times.

Last week I get an email telling me his daughter wanted to say "hi." I don't really believe that. She and I were never close. But I was happy to hear from him.

We exchanged several emails... . everything was good... . and then he started to bring up the past.

He talks a big game about Faith, Hope, Love, Happiness and Forgiveness... . the bold faced words he learns in AA... . but his execution of them is lacking. Anyway, he tells me all about Hope and Love then explains at length how much I hurt him... . tells me he doesn't want people who "choose other people, places and things" in his life... . tells me he resents my past actions... .

I completely lose it at the part where he says that he has been unable to have a "meaningful relationship with anyone else" because he of the feelings he has for me.

And this is where my OWN craziness kicks in... .

My knee jerk reaction screams in my head: "THAT'S NICE! SO NOW THAT YOU'VE FIGURED OUT THE GRASS ISN'T GREENER IN ALL THE *OTHER* LAWNS... . I'M WORTH YOUR TIME AGAIN? I'M A GOOD LAST RESORT OPTION NOW THAT NOTHING ELSE WORKED OUT? YOU EXPECT ME TO GOBBLE UP THESE BREAD CRUMBS?

Typically, he labels any harsh reaction I have as "projection." Out of fear that that would happen again... . I took 500 deep breathes and just wrote back that I felt a lot of pain after reading his email and that I couldn't answer it sanely.

He responded that he was sorry for my pain... . and he asked me to call so that we could talk about it.

I did not respond.

That was a week ago and this has thoroughly been driving me MAD.

I don't know if all the pain from the past has just made me completely crazy to the point that I can't even function when trying to communicate with him. I don't know if I'm just blowing this WAY out of proportion. And while part of me would really like to talk to him... . I'm am scared straight that maybe it IS just breadcrumbs and maybe I AM just a last resort.

I need your help. I can't think straight.

[simplyasiam]

wow that is alot to deal with they can be the hardest ppl to get alone with

im in not place to be able to tell you what to do as im only 2 months away from my ex and only 30 days of n/c

i do know how you feel about being a last resort for them. went down that road with my ex during are 1st breathe bills k up

im thinking she may well try it again when real life sets in again

[RedCandle]

Thanks Simply :-)

I feel like I've just lost touch with my ability to understand reality anymore.

I know that I am super sensitive and I don't know if I'm being OVERLY sensitive.

And I don't know if I need to just look him in the eye and hash this out to understand what is and is not the truth... . of if I need to stick to my silence.

[rosannadanna]

Hey redcandle,

I don't think you are the last resort and I don't think he is giving you bread crumbs, although it probably feels like this is the case.  I can relate to your situation.  I had re-engaged with my SO for about 8 months and we both said we had a goal of moving toward healthy intimacy.  The eight months were definitely our healthiest period b/c I detached from the fantasy relationship after some n/c, I had more acceptance, and the tools worked very well to vastly improve our communicaton.  I think he had good intentions, but he kept the girl he dated during our n/c on a triangle with me and ultimately admitted he was having sex with both of us.  I told him at time of re-engagement of sex that was my boundary and he crossed it, so I told him I am off the triangle and to contact me when he wants to be with me exclusively.  Our last convo was very loving and civil, mostly b/c he is honest and remorseful about hurting others and I am in a more detached place.

I told him I may eventually be in the catagory of his ex-wife, with whom he has a mostly pleasant, completely platonic relationship.  She just shakes her head and says "Thats why I'm not with you", but does still care about him.  If I end up in this category, I think of it as his "homebase" relationship, as opposed to "the last resort".

I think your dude sees you in the same way.  It's kind of like a toddler who explores but goes back or looks back at mommy from time to time to make sure she is there.

This is all our SO's are capable of.  They can't sustain real, lasting adult relationships.  It sounds like your anger is just hurt that he can't be what you want him to be.

[RedCandle]

So what should I do?

Say nothing and just see if he contacts me again?

Reply and firmly state my concerns and boundaries... . but offer to discuss in person if we are in the same town again?

Or reply and say until you are ready for monogamy, there isn't much to say?

This is the longest we haven't spoken or seen eachother. I'm not sure how to handle that. I DO want to make sure that I'm being fair and honest in my communication.

[rosannadanna]

Do you have clear boundaries for yourself in this relationship?  Have you clearly stated them to him?  You need to figure them out, then clearly state them to him.  You don't have to state them constantly; then it becomes a threat or an ultimatum.  I stated mine when it was relevant (when we decided to resume sex) and I would restate it if it was organic to the conversation.  I wasn't whiney or threatening, just matter-of-fact.  When he finally, reluctantly (he wanted to keep both of us )told the truth, I followed through with disengaging with no pleading or arguing.  He already was feeling enough shame; I didn't need to add to it.

Secondly, you have to figure out what you want for your present and your future happiness and if you want him and this relationship, as he is and as it is right now, in your life longterm.  If what you say you want and what you are living right now with him are dramatically different, you have to figure out why you are continuing to do what you are doing instead of taking steps toward your stated version of happiness.  You have to figure out what the barriers are that are preventing you from changing.

Barriers might include fear of being alone, comfort in recreated dysfunctional relationship patterns from FOO (and the compulsion to correct patterns in romantic relationship), codependent belief system (loyalty at the expense of your emotional health, narcissistic altruism, perfectionism, etc), self-esteem issues, or FOG.

You are not alone in your experience.  I am strugging with the same stuff right now... .

[RedCandle]

Ros, thank you.

He has been such an evolving species since he stopped drinking (2 years ago) that I would have to "re-write" some of these topics that you brought up.

My boundaries (no matter HOW he is) include:

1. I will not be YELLED at.

2. I am not interested in rehashing our years of history unless we are in front of a counselor (or mutual sponsor)

3. I am not having sex with him unless we are in a relationship. And that's my boundary with ANYONE.

I was not intending to outline these right now... . these are for me. I was intending to tell him that I acknowledge that email is not the best mode of communication, and should I be in his town again over the next few weeks/months, I would be willing to meet with him to talk... . we can go from there but I am NOT getting back on the long-distance rollercoaster. HELL NO.

He says he lives very differently now. Curiosity has me wondering how.

Curiosity can also be a bad thing... . and I'm afraid this is just a big ol' recycle and that he has no intentions of doing anything but seeing if I still care... .

[Clearmind]

Redcandle - his perception of the relationship is very different to yours. No surprise there!

Has he at all mentioned reconciliation? What do you think the contact is about?

What do you want to do with all this?

[RedCandle]

I have no idea why he contact me. I have no idea if it's because he just broke up with someone or if it's because it's almost my birthday and he was thinking about me or if it's because he is just evil and wants an ego boost!

We have had zero communication... . so I have no idea :-(

He didn't mention reconcilliation. Nor would I expect him to. Not after 7 months of nothing.

I flat out said that I was worried that he was just throwing me bread crumbs and just looking for attention... . he said that sounded like projection but thanked me for telling him my concerns.

It just couldn't have been worse timing.

I was LITERALLY walking to the DUMPSTER with HIS STUFF and little trinkets of our memories... . and my phone beeped that I had an email... . and it was him.

I kid you not.

I almost thought he was hiding in the bushes! (no... . he wasn't :-)  )

I was completely read to just clean house and force myself to stop thinking about him... . and BOOM! Contact.

And now this is ALL I think about.

So I need some resolution.

Whether that is just putting my foot down and never responding again.

Or whether thats actually having a conversation with him to see where we both are 7 months later.

I know I've changed a lot.

I have no idea if he has grown... . or its the same ol' crap.

[Clearmind]

You are right resolution comes from you. Often times we are head spun out of fear - trust that you can protect yourself.

I can see this has thrown you off kilter however Borderlines are not evil and he is not doing this to upset – you are in control of your own emotions and how you react – not his doing! Your reaction is something you need to be mindful of and manage – this not about him.

To ensure you remain balanced and centered I think it’s wise to not think that this contact is about reconciliation.  BPD is a shame based disorder and its not uncommon for pwBPD to reconnect to see if we are still harbouring anger.

In the face of contact – ask yourself what you want not what he wants or what he is telling you. The ball is in your court if you wish to have contact or not or whether you want to strike up a friendship or a relationship if it comes to that.

Right now he has not had contact with you for a week – does this concern you, upset you – do you want contact?

[RedCandle]

Clearmind... . this is great. THIS is what I need.

OK. I can accept that this is not evil. And, that makes me feel better. Maybe that's something I say to myself to protect myself.

I would like a friendship right now.

That's what I want.

That's what I'm comfortable with.

Yes, I haven't heard from him in a week... . and it's bothered me tremendously.

If I was being totally honest, I would tell you that every time my phone *bings*... . I'm hoping to hear from him. And I'm disappointed when I don't.

Then, I quickly tell myself that its a GOOD thing that I don't hear from him... . so I don't get hurt.

You make a great point. *I'm* in control here... . the ball is in my court and I've been tossed the ball plenty of times to know by now how to deal with this.

Clearmind, hearing all this... . what do you recommend I do?

Thank you so much... .

[Clearmind]

RC, I really cant tell what to do... . I think you can understand that. You were in a relationship with this person - you know the drill, you know the limitations being with a Borderline. These are things you may need to reconsider in light of it all.

Chances are he is checking in and maybe work on you're the level of hope you are feeling right now - you are still attached and that's OK - this contact has maybe reminded you that you harbour feelings - are they justified given the relationship you experienced? If not, where does the hope come from?

Yes you certainly are in control - take some back some personal power because you are giving a whole lot away right now.

If he does in fact contact you again maybe think about:

What do you want in a friendship?

What do you want and deserve in a mate?

Can he provide either?