I screwed up

[motherof1yearold]

I feel I TOTALLY self sabotaged myself!

Recap: divorced from exBPDH with 2 year old D.

We have 50/50, and lately he's asked a few favors of small amounts of gas money each day. I didn't really honestly have a problem with it, and I am not concerned about him paying me back one way or the other.

I have a new job, and to my horror, he appeared at my job without any warning at the exact time I was getting off. He told me he came to pick me up as he works 2 minutes away . He insisted he give me a ride home. (we live 30 mins away right beside each other) I didn't have any problem with it and gladly took the ride.

AND HERE IS WHERE I SCREWED UP!

I let him too close!

He planned the whole thing! Next thing I know, he's blowing up over anything he can think of.Calling me a Bhit several times ,telling me he hated my guts, talking about things from our marriage and generally tearing me down. I couldn't even believe it! He screamed so loud at me he woke up our daughter in the back seat (heavy sleeper)  I withdrew and told him clearly not to speak to me that way, and to take me home. He wouldn't take me home. He drove around for an hour, repeatedly telling me to "get the f out his car!' etc. He didn't care about the fact I put gas in the car and the fact we live on the same road . He also didn't care about the fact our daughter was in the backseat. He was going to leave me on the side of the road. He went through several cycles.

he  planned to get me isolated with him to abuse me.

HERE IS THE SCARY PART... . I was so threatened ( I don't know if that is the right word) That I felt I had to 'say the right things' etc so we got home safely. I will never fall for this stuff again... . I can't believe this really happened.

THE AWESOME PART IS... . I actually recorded most of the incident! I know how the laws work, but I did record it anyway. 

So, overall , this was scary. And I'm mad at myself for putting myself in the situation.

Growing pains.

[ForeverDad]

POLICE.  LAWYER.  DV COUNSELOR.  FILE FOR PO/RO

Tell your story.  Someone will listen.  Tell your story, if you feel the recording might be improper (I don't think it is) then hold back on mentioning it (your advocates must know, though) and in effect hold it in reserve as your 'insurance' when he protests you're making it all up.

I've heard that in some states that limit recordings, there is an exception in cases of abuse.  Your lawyer, police or DV counselors may be able to give guidance on that.  Make copies and keep them in separate safe places so he can't somehow manage to make them disappear.

Don't guilt yourself.  He's a controller, he knows how to manipulate, weaken boundaries, then spring catching you off guard.  Remember, just because you went with him doesn't mean he could do whatever he wanted with impunity.

Even if you figure it's not abuse or not actionable, let an expert make that decision, don't sell yourself short, okay?

[catnap]

I agree with FD.  He was more than willing to do this in front of his daughter.  Having the incident on file may help if you seek to limit his custodial time.

[MarkMo]

I did a similar thing last week. My wife is living with her bf which I suspected but just found out for sure. She went off on me when I finally confronted the man she was texting all day and asked him why he needed to text my wife all day long. She asked for a divorce but then when she realized the costs and the fact that she up and left, she calmed down. It almost felt like she understood what I was saying to her about fairness and giving us a chance. We spoke and even saw each other for many days last week. I spent a lot of money on her all the way until Sunday. She seemed to be very happy and actually liking me again.

Sunday night she sent a text late at night asking for a divorce, knowing what that would do to me the rest of the night. The next morning she put on a show for her new bf who caught her talking to me. She became enraged when she said that we had not had sex or anything in over a year and I told her of course we did. I was a liar and a whole bunch of names. I know its true, she knows its true, but she had grossly lied to her now bf so he would take her in. So, I texted her and I was asking what was going on because last week was so great but this week she is doing this to me. She had me served with a restraining order as she was picking up the kids for a mini vacation. I had never in almost 31 years been involved with the law until I met her. I have not been arrested nor will I be but I can't believe how it changed so quickly and went to a place I never thought she was capable of going.

I know how you feel about it all. Enough is enough sometimes. I still love her with all my heart but after she served me with the restraining order, I knew I had to protect myself. I went to an attorney and filed for divorce myself. I still cry a few times a day but you have to do what you have to do to protect yourself and your children. I will have this pain for a long time and maybe one day she will accept that she has a problem that needs to be fixed but until then its about me and the kids so you are doing the right thing by going through the courts and protecting yourself. I took my name off of our joint account as well. That was my means of giving her money whenever she needed it. I needed to do that so that I don't waste anymore money. I know you were just giving gas money but it all adds up eventually.

[motherof1yearold]

I think the video is a very important piece of evidence and I don't regret recording it at all.

I already see a DV counselor every week so I'm curious to see her advice from that stand point. Though you can't exactly file a report on abuse if there is no actual physical assault.

Next wednesday I will know where to go from here.

[Suzn]

You have video of this? He kept you against your will. Do you feel comfortable reporting this to the police?

[motherof1yearold]

Police here can't and won't do anything about it. I technically can't see he 'kept me against my will' because he told me SEVERAL TIMES to get out of his car on the side of the highway. He knew I couldn't , especially with a baby.

I am great friends with a police investigator who handles 99% domestic violence cases. I'm curious to see what his opinion is and the opinion of my local DV counselors I see every week.

The only thing is you really can't report any case here unless you were hit or assaulted in some way.

[Suzn]

He knew I couldn't , especially with a baby.

Exactly.

I am great friends with a police investigator who handles 99% domestic violence cases. I'm curious to see what his opinion is.

I'm curious as well. Glad you are ok.

[motherof1yearold]

Thanks Suzn,

I must say I'm EXTREMELY intimidated with my ex  working only 2 minutes from me. He is also good friends with the owner of my job. I CAN'T lose my job , and I feel he is a threat to my job security.

I will be keeping my recording of the incident in case I need it for anything whatsoever.

[ForeverDad]

I suggest you don't wait to inform your advocates, at least try to reach them by telephone or leave a message.  Why?  The later they hear, the more likely something won't be done because it becomes more and more 'stale' over time, no longer urgent or an emergency.  Yes, maybe nothing would be done anyway, but if you wait a week before they even learn of it, by then it will be old news and if nothing has happened since then the urgency will certainly be gone.  Here's what I've written in the past explaining why not to wait:

Very important, if you do have to call, don't delay doing so.  Delay is your enemy.  Emergency responders will rush to help you as long as it's an emergency situation.  Once time has passed or the situation is no longer imminent, those same agencies may be limited in how much support and aid they can extend.

For example, not to make light of anything of course, if you called 911 and said, "Last week I felt in danger from XX, please help me." you could possibly hear a reply such as "Please call back when it's an emergency again."  It may not actually be like that, you may get some limited assistance or guidance, but I don't think I'm far off.  You have to call while it is still an emergency or as soon as possible thereafter.

[motherof1yearold]

Tomorrow I will call my police officer buddy who I have retained in the past. He will know for sure  where I should go from here.

I agree with you FD, about delaying  . It has really bitten me in the butt before!

[whirlpoollife]

You are not to blame.

Emotional/psychological abuse is hard to prove but its just as bad as physical or worse.

Remember (and I, also, have to remember still ) is that a leopard with spots is the same as a leopard without spots.

[motherof1yearold]

whirlpoollife,

I do blame myself for even taking the ride. I feel like I put myself in the situation. However, I totally agree with you. I hate victim blaming and I think that is what I'm doing to myself now.

I hope others take my learning experience as a lesson learned, NEVER BE ALONE with your BPD ex! They can get away with a hell of a lot more when no one else is around, hence isolation. It doesn't matter if you're talking about the kids, or the house, or the divorce, converse through EMAIL strictly. That way, things are documented. Texting is not 100% as my phone (personally) deletes texts automatically when it gets over 100 texts. E-mail is very solid.  Phone calls also are a  no go. If calls are recorded , more than likely you won't be able to admit it into court.

[ForeverDad]

I had a phone which deleted texts when they got over 100.  Turned out it was a default setting on the phone (Android 2.something) and all I had to do was increase that setting.

[momtara]

At least you got a wakeup call and a reminder.  And no one was hurt.  He shouldn't have 50/50 if he does something like that.  Please do talk to the DV person at once.  And don't act like it's no big deal or downplay it.  You were scared for yourself and your daughter.  Wasn't this the same guy who was drunk when he had your daughter last time, and you called the police?  Too bad in your state they don't do anything about this.  This really would be grounds for a restraining order in some places.

[motherof1yearold]

Yes Momtara, this is the same guy.

So far he has gotten away with 4 potential DUI's WITH the baby in the car. and mind you, the first one was when she was only a FEW DAYS OLD.

Unfortunately , there is nothing the DV counselors can do besides support me at this point. I feel SO stuck. This state does nothing.