Something is always wrong

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Last night I jumped in the shower and was going to turn pandora on my phone on so I could listen to music.  I ended up not doing that.  While int he shower my GFBPD came in and grabbed my phone and started checking my texts.  She read a text where I had borrowed money from a good friend at the begining of the week. I had told her I needed to borrow it.  Well she immediately got upset over that.  She told me she could have lent it to me. (newsflash she is broke)  Then I was surmmoned for an hour and half on how she wants access to my bank account's, email, facebook and anything else.  She got mad when I wouldn't.  We have a joint account that I put the rent money and other bill money into.  I pay 90% of our bills.  Which has wiped out all of my savings.  I've told her that.   She says (she's said this before) that she is going to get a second job and if she does that she wants access to my account to see what I'm spending to know she is paying back who needs paid.  I told her that was my debt and I will take care of it.  She got mad and shut down after that.  I just don't think she needs access to my account.  I pay the bills.  She gets upset when I tell her I am not selling anymore of MY land that my grandma left me when she passed away.  But all she see's is I'm not thinking of "us".  She spends money like we have an endless supply of it. 

I love her and I know how big of a heart she has.  She has a great sense of humor.  I'm just so very confused.

[seh77]

Last night I jumped in the shower and was going to turn pandora on my phone on so I could listen to music.  I ended up not doing that.  While int he shower my GFBPD came in and grabbed my phone and started checking my texts.  She read a text where I had borrowed money from a good friend at the begining of the week. I had told her I needed to borrow it.  Well she immediately got upset over that.  She told me she could have lent it to me. (newsflash she is broke)  Then I was surmmoned for an hour and half on how she wants access to my bank account's, email, facebook and anything else.  She got mad when I wouldn't.  We have a joint account that I put the rent money and other bill money into.  I pay 90% of our bills.  Which has wiped out all of my savings.  I've told her that.   She says (she's said this before) that she is going to get a second job and if she does that she wants access to my account to see what I'm spending to know she is paying back who needs paid.  I told her that was my debt and I will take care of it.  She got mad and shut down after that.  I just don't think she needs access to my account.  I pay the bills.  She gets upset when I tell her I am not selling anymore of MY land that my grandma left me when she passed away.  But all she see's is I'm not thinking of "us".  She spends money like we have an endless supply of it. 

I love her and I know how big of a heart she has.  She has a great sense of humor.  I'm just so very confused.

[Scout99]

As much as I can totally understand your frustration, and how the constant nagging about things like this can eventually carve down your resistance... . I want to commend you for standing firmly on your ground and keeping the boundary you have put up here!

It may frustrate the h*ll out of her. But actually you are doing a h*ll of a lot more for your relationship by not letting it's total economy stand and fall with the whims of a person who has an emotional capacity of a five year old... .

There are things we can give in on, and boy do we ever... .  But there are also things that we have to hold on to, and just accept the role of being the more mature party of the relationship. And economy is one... .

Like you already figured out... . She cannot handle money, and has either no concept of equality or justice or a sense of when to stop spending and start saving... . In essence she has a lot of magical thingking concerning money, judging from what you say, and thinks money always comes inmagically somehow, ready for her to spend again... . Instead she is being paranoid about you having more of it than her, (which is well within your rights, since you both pay for more in the mutual household and probably brings in more too, me guessing). Now where I live shared economy is not as common as it is in for instance USA... . where more people get married than here... . So it is easier to keep boundaries like that here, i suppose... . But in your case I think you are on the right path, and should stick to it, and not let go... .

The I think that other people here could help you by teaching you how to work on refining your communication skills to help you better in situations like these when you get ambushed in the shower and so on... .

SET is one such skill.

I have started to realize that the sooner I can learn to differentiate between my logical thinking and approach and his (my BPDbf), emotional thinking an approach. So I can learn to choose to respond in a way that speaks his language instead of trying to make him understand mine... . And through that avoid going into the trap and set off the argument that he is trying to create to be able to release his anxiety... .

I am just learning this, so I don't know it yet... . But I'd think it could be something in the lines of in your case, to avoid logical arguments to why she should not get access to your accounts or to her magical thinking when she says she will loan you (your money) should she get access to your accounts that in her mind is a golden stream of never ending money... .

Like instead of reaching for the obvious reply that would be to say that you pay 90% of the bills already and if she were to gain access to the accounts your whole economy would fall apart... . (Which would not be a good response but in all likelihood set her off into a rage that lasts for a long time... . The thing is so does almost also everything that perhaps doesn't sound like that, but that logically hints in that direction... .


A more emotionally validating approach could be to appeal to her emotions and instead of addressing the money issue, ask her if there is something on her mind, something that she is worried about... . And then listen to whatever she responds and validate that... . And if she then says that she feels cut out from your economy or worried that you spend money behind her back... . depriving her of fun or spending sprees... . Then avoid getting in to explaining the truth, (which would be logical), but instead appeal to her feelings by validating how much she means to you and that it would never occur to you to want to hurt her that way... .

Others can probably give you better advice than I can as to how to deflect the whole thing from your accounts so to speak... . So I will not give you my idea, since it would be way crappier than what the more experienced people here will be able to provide you with... . !

Anyhow! It is good that you have found your way here instead of loosing your temper on your BPDgf!

And you are right! And entitled to your boundaries, so hang in there!

scout99

[waverider]

You are doing well, this is normal.

Make sure you are consistent and dont get dragged into defending your actions.

[seh77]

Scout,

Thank you so very much.  I am trying so very hard to keep my boundries and not give in or say what I know she wants to hear.  I am at work and she is texting me about how I don't care to ask her (I don't ask because I know she is broke).  

What it boils down to is I borrowed from someone she is intimidated by.  So now she is on a rant about how shes changed and I want give her the chance.  I told her how I feel about her going through my phone (I'm not hiding anything) It's just a HOT BUTTON for me because My X did that all the time and grilled me on why I was talking, why I said this or that.

She is also giving me the Well I'm going to step back and reevaluate our releationship speach. Oh yeah I've noticed the pattern.  

I have always done what she has asked or wanted.  I treat her with the utmost respect and her family.  But something is always wrong and it's breaking me down and I really don't think she fully understands that.

[waverider]

I have always done what she has asked or wanted.  I treat her with the utmost respect and her family.  But something is always wrong and it's breaking me down and I really don't think she fully understands that.

Probably never will, this is where you have to believe in yourself

[seh77]

Waverider,

How do I believe in myself?  She says that I am not wanting to be a part of this relationship due to not joining finances.  She hasn't had the best track record with money.  I know I haven't been perfect but I do keep in mind the bills that we have and make sure I have funds for that.  But she doesn't.  It hurts that she thinks I don't want to be a part in the releationship.  But all she focuses on is that she is hurting.  I don't even mention it because anytime I've ever said that I am hurt she say to me "you're always the victim"  I'm not I am a very strong person due to things from my past.

:'( 

[orderline]

seh77,

Yes "something is always wrong".

The power of a BPD is that ilogical, disrespectfull, selfish and non empathic statements lures you into a response. Because it is so obvoious they are wrong you think you can explain and set it right.

Instead you fall into a trap where your logics and feelings have little value. The more you think this is an easy one and try to discuss you get more ilogical reasoning and use of unfair and unproportional weapons.

Thank you for remindning me that civil engineering and BPD refuses to mix.

Listening to what my partner is "coming from" and reflecting what makes him/her uncomfortable is a more usefull playground. It is not automatic and has to be choosen at times when my feeling asks for retaliation and defence.

It is a problem that requires ensusiasm curiosity and continuous solution.

[waverider]

Waverider,

How do I believe in myself?  She says that I am not wanting to be a part of this relationship due to not joining finances.  She hasn't had the best track record with money.  I know I haven't been perfect but I do keep in mind the bills that we have and make sure I have funds for that.  But she doesn't.  It hurts that she thinks I don't want to be a part in the releationship.  But all she focuses on is that she is hurting.  I don't even mention it because anytime I've ever said that I am hurt she say to me "you're always the victim"  I'm not I am a very strong person due to things from my past.

:'( 

Do not fall into the trap of requiring validation from an unstable mind. Validation is only as sound as the mind giving it.

Her needs and wants can never be met as need is a core element of BPD, it cant be sated. The subject at hand is only the current avenue to express need. Fill that and the need will pop up elsewhere. Her words dont even always correctly express the need, they are used to engage you in the Needy vs Provider dance.

Stay objective and believe in your own sense of fair play, do what you think is right, rather than what you think is required to keep the peace.

For a healthy relationship with BPD the pwBPD needs to learn to self soothe, and the non needs to learn to self validate. Both can be unhealthy forms of neediness

[seh77]

Now after all of her talk and texting she has told me that her little girls Dad has had a job offer in a different state.  It's funny anytime I call her bluff that it's over between us something always happens. 

The thing is I am not sure as how to respond to this.

I sent a text telling her that I am very sorry and I know it would affect her daughter spending half the time that far away from her.  She replied back well I just thought you should know because I know you love her so much but this doesn't change anything between us.

Should I not respond anymore?  I really feel like I am being baited.

[waverider]

After thinking about things in an objective way what do you want to do in the big picture?

Dont base your actions on reactive triggers.

Neediness will create dramas to trigger the rescuer reaction in you

[seh77]

I didn't address the issue about her X possibly moving and guess what she never brought it back up. 

But again I was sermoned from 5-9:30 last night on how I hurt her feelings because I stood my ground.  Because I didn't borrow money from her that would have left her without any.  I told her we had already discussed this and we are going in circles that we need to focus on the real issue.  But she stayed on the same track that she was already on.  Out of the 4.5 hours I may have talked 20 min.  And that is stretching it. 

Now all of a sudden it's not ok for me to pay the way.  She doesn't want to do anything at all if she doesn't have money which leaves me stuck at the house.  I don't mind hanging out at the house but it's nice to get out once in a while.  I love to camp and hike but have rarely gotten to do that.  And that is pretty cheap to do. 

I know it's these cycles she goes thru but they are so hard to deal with sometimes.  I think I am going to try and take my Son Camping this weekend and let her do whatever she feels that she needs to do.  I've been promising him.

Thank you all who have responded and helped me through this cycle.   

[Grey Kitty]

  Great idea to take your son camping. That is taking care of you and your son.

If you want to invite her along, it is her choice whether to go or not.

If she wants something to go off about, she can always find/manufacture it. All you can do is make the choice not to stay in that sort of conversation/argument/fight/whatever.