Mixed Feelings About Today's E-Mail

[Verbena]

I seem to have mixed feelings about everything lately.  This morning, I received a rather long e-mail from my DD28. On the plus side, she wasn't raging at me; however, parts of it really disturb me. 

First, the good (I think):

*she forgives me

*she loves me and misses me

*she can't imagine me not in her life

The parts that bother me:

*She said, "I am sorry for making you feel the way you do which led to your actions." 

(She's referring here to me sharing my concerns over her behavior with her best friend when the friend came to me with similar concerns.  Since she claims she has no issues, her friend is a liar, and I now have BPD, I can't view that statement as an acknowledgment of her behavior having anything to do with the situation.)

*she's accepted that she "may never have any answers" as to how something like this could ever happen

(I see this as her still playing the victim with no recognition of her own behavior.)

*she realizes she "can't keep defending herself  because it does no good and God knows the truth"

(This especially bothers me.    My daughter will use God's name in vain at the drop of a hat and use every curse word there is when she's upset and feel justified doing it, but she will pull out the God card when it seems appropriate.  As for defending herself, she has told lies to me and about me since she found out the friend and I talked, she has told everyone she knows what the friend and I did to her, and she now claims the friend is a liar and that I have BPD myself.)

*she realizes neither of us ready yet to talk about the "painful and disturbing details" of what I did

(I have no intention of re-hashing the details of this whole mess.  I've apologized profusely, validated how she feels, and said I want to move on.)


My response was:  "It was good to hear from you.  I, too, want to put this completely behind us and move on."  Then I went on to comment on a health scare with her MIL that she referenced in the e-mail and say that I hoped she had a good visit with her grandmother this weekend.  And I told her again that I love her.

I'm trying to see the good in the e-mail, but it's hard. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

Hi Verbena,

I remember being disturbed and trying to make sense of my dd's responses, trying to read into what they meant and seeing the BPD in them and not being able to process them clearly because I was distressed and hurt and angry. I expect it is similar to how you feel.

Your response to your dd was good. I reckon you have a handle on the situation.

I think the important thing in her email is that she wants a relationship with you. I also think she is trying to reconcile, although her efforts may be clumsy. I expect you might think she is being manipulative and such like, but I would want to disagree. From my experience she is responding in a way that she thinks will ease the situation. Ok, you and I can see that the apologies are clouded, but gee, she is apologising. Ok you and I might think that she is seeking higher moral ground with the reference 'God knows the truth', perhaps though she is trying to let go and accept the situation. Verbena, I think we could go through and analyse the responses individually, but I agree that there is no point in rehashing the details. And you both agree with that. So, my advice is to let that go, accept that this is where she is at.

I think it is helpful for us to understand that when it comes to emotional issues, our dd's (and ds's) are going to have their BPD shining through. If they are in recovery then we can expect different responses. Imagine a person with a different sort of illness, say something like polio, well we would expect them to be able to walk properly until they have recovered and even then they might limp from time to time. So, with BPD, it is not realistic to expect them to handle emotional matters in a way a person without BPD would.

I haven't been on the boards to know the context for this for you Verbena, but have you asked the questions of her: 'What can we do now to improve our relationship? What can I do to make things better?" these questions can help you focus on future action and ways to get on.

Cheers,

Vivek    

[Verbena]

Vivek ,

Maybe I just haven't accepted the fact that she has this mental illness.  I mean, I know she does or I  wouldn't be here, but a part of me thinks she'll see the same truth that I see and others see and be rational and reasonable.  My husband said her e-mail was just fine, even better than what he thought she was capable of given the circumstances.  You make a good point about what I should expect given that she does have an illness and she's not getting help for it. 

I feel like I'm on the verge of being sucked back into the craziness under the pretense of "moving on".  And yet I want to move on.  I'm just worn out with thinking about it. 

[vivekananda]

Hi,

It is a difficult thing to have to face, but we are not the ones who have the illness, so we do need to brace ourselves and be the 'adults' 

Mindfulness is at the core of learning how to cope with BPD. Mindfulness means to be in the present, not imagining a future, not remembering the past. This doesn't mean that it can be helpful to look back at our actions and see how we could have done things better, neither does it mean that we don't make plans for the future.

To help you not feel 'sucked into the craziness' consider this prayer:

give me the strength to change what I can, the wisdom to accept what I can't and the grace to know the difference between the two

You avoid the craziness when you accept that the only thing you can change is yourself - and begin to work on that. What do you think would help you with this? How do you think you could begin this?

Cheers,

Vivek