What would you do?

[Defeated]

Hi Everyone:

It's been a while since my last post so I doubt that anyone will remember my story, and to be honest, I don't have the time or the energy to rehash it.  So please, don't hesitate to ask me questions.

The crisis that I last wrote about was the fact that my 24-year old daughter (with another three years of probation to complete), while drinking and under the influence of God only knows what, got pregnant by her married boyfriend of 37 (marriage #2; multiple children with both wives).  Oh, can't forget that he drives PT for Dominoes and my daughter aspires to be eternally unemployed, and she is well on her way.

I'm sure that some of you will not agree with the way in which I dealt with the situation.  Like myself, you are entitled to your own opinion.  I respect that and ask that you do the same.

My immediate reaction to the fact that she was pregnant, in all honesty, was anger... . then resentment.  You see, my entire world has revolved around my daughter since she was in middle school.  Every aspect of my daily life was, and still is, based entirely on what kind of mood my daughter wakes up in each day.  I suppose I should thank her though - I am now a professional fearer of the unknown.

She insists that she is having the baby.

We tell her that the choice is hers, but if she does have the baby, she cannot live with us.

At the last possible moment, she concedes and has an abortion.  It's been several months, but she has yet to recover mentally.  I don't know that she ever will.  She replays the entire procedure over and over again in her head. 

The guilt that I feel every day is almost more than I can bear.  She hasn't forgiven us for "forcing" her to "kill her baby," and I'm not sure that she ever will.  Since she had the abortion in March (I think it was March... . I can't remember anything lately) we've seen her only once a week, if that.  Actually, more often than not, we don't even actually see her as she comes and goes while we're working.

In May, we found out that she had been pulled over, with her exbf in the car.  The same exbf that was recently parolled for stabbing my husband five times and breaking my daughter's nose.  They arrested him for violation of a NCO (for my daughter) and let my daughter go.  We later learned that the day after his arrest, she went to the courthouse and dropped the NCO.  My husband and daughter were his 37th

and 38th victims (domestic violence/simple assault).

My daughter has always said that her father is her best friend.  She also readily admits to anyone that will listen that she doesn't like me.  She also tells everyone that her problems are the direct result of me - me and all the drugs that I did while I was pregnant with her.  Nice, huh?

Anyway, one day, while she was screaming into the phone about what a scumbag her father is, and how he's different now, and she wishes he'd die, I told her that we knew all about her being pulled over, etc.  I told her that her "best friend," her father, isn't different... . He's just hurt.  First, she denied that she had been pulled over with him.  Then, she was screaming at me that what she did was none of our business, and that we need to stay out of her business... . blah, blah, blah.

God, I have to get to the point.  On June 17th, at almost midnight, she called crying - no, sobbing.  She was sobbing uncontrollably.  I could feel her pain, and my heart broke.  She said that she had just taken all of her lithium and all of her Ativan.

To make a long story short, after spending a week in ICU, she was released last Friday evening.  Supposedly, as a condition of her release, she agreed to report to the Partial Program at Butler Hospital on Tuesday morning.

Last night, she told me that she was kicked out of the program "a few days ago," and I'm thinking "you just started a few days ago."  You know how they say that God doesn't give us more than we can handle?  LIE. LIE. LIE.  This morning, my son emailed me screen shots of my daughter's myspace page, which I've never seen because she has all of us blocked.  Apparently, my son set up a bogus account, and my daughter friended him.

I opened up my email, and staring me dead in the face, was a picture of her, the ex, and her dog.  According to her page, she and her dog live with him, and they have been in a relationship since November of 2010 (when he was arrested for the attacks on my family).  She's been living a double life.

Add to all of the above the fact that she has lost a tremendous amount of weight over the last few months, and I am seriously ready to call her PO, the police, anyone that will listen because I would rather see her in jail than at her funeral.  No mother should have to bury her child-especially after she's fought so hard to get her daughter the help that she needs so desperately.

All of the above has also helped me too.  It took that email to make me see that I really have done everything that I could.  Probably more... . and it's taken a toll on me.  I'm so tired.  Lately, it's been a struggle just to make it to the office every day, and I've been there for 15 years and always loved it.  I've lost interest in everything, and all I ever think about is sleep.

So, I get it, I think... . The only way that I could've helped her was by letting her fall.  I didn't do that, and now it's too late.  Now my primary focus has to be on getting her away from him before he kills her. 

Sorry this was so long, but I would really appreciate any thoughts that any of you may have about going to the police, PO, etc.

Thank you.

-Defeated

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

defeated

I remember your story... . I am sorry it has continued to get worse. I am not sure I have any advise to give you. I am not sure there is anything you can do when she refuses to leave this abusive boyfriend. Can you get her an evaluation somewhere? Does she want help? Is she getting any kind of help?

What opportunities can you present to her that might help? I feel you need to step back a bit but I am sure that is hard to do especially with the weight loss. Is she addicted to any drugs?

Defeated I feel the best you can do right now is get some help for yourself... . you have been through a lot... . please take some time to tend to your needs. You can't hope to help your dd is you are so exhausted. I wish I was more help.  

[JulySky]

Defeated: I'd like to call you something else because you've danced for 15 years, and you still wake up every morning scrambling to protect your daughter, and you still carry on.

Of course she blamed you, then switched and held her father responsible for her sickness.  It must be very hard to live in her mind.  You are tired and are contemplating calling the police.  Do what you have to do, but above all, Take Care of Yourself.  You don't sound defeated at all:  You sound Determined.

[Being Mindful]

Hi Defeated, I too remember your story. I'm sorry you are suffering. I'm worried about you. Some of your symptoms sound like you need some good rest. Perhaps you are experiencing some depression and that would be completely understandable and expected. Have you considered a visit with you doctor? That helped me tremendously... . to get me over the hump. My therapist was a huge help too. Do you have a therapist to help you through?

Being Mindful

[vivekananda]

I am glad you have come back to us here. You sound so hurt and tired and angry and guilty. Perfectly understandable. It is a sad, sad and scary situation.

Here's what I think. I think you cannot do anything to change your d or her situation. I think that you need to be ready for the next big crisis, so you need to take care of yourself.

To take care of yourself, I think you need your own support, eg a psychologist who understands what it means to be a parent of a dBPD. I think you need to reach out to the supports that are available for us, eg:

NEA BPD - Family Connections and I would like to encourage you to stay on the boards which can be a powerful sense of support.

I also think you have much you can learn that will help you and much of that you can find here on this site.

Cheers,

Vivek    

[Vivgood]

  glad you're back... . if not in these circumstances  

Those are tough times, especially the hysterical suicidal phone calls. That's a doozy.

The only way that I could've helped her was by letting her fall. 

yes you get it.

I didn't do that, and now it's too late.

oh its never too late to let them fall!

What would I do? i would call her PO and the police. That sounds like a good plan. Then let go and let god (the gods/goddess/the universe, pick your Higher power ).

Also agree you need professional support. A counselor at least, and probably a course of an SSRI. This is a hard road and you don't have to go alone  

and I'd limit my DD's access to me; you are not her psychiatrist and it isn't in her OR your best interest to take these late-night sob-a-thon phone calls.


vivgood

[Vivgood]

well thats whacky! sorry for the perma-quote reply.  

vivgood

[mggt]

Dear defeated,   

[Defeated]

Thank you everyone.  I know that I tend to ramble and disappear.  I don't mean to.  I just reach a point where I feel like I am really losing it... . I begin to wonder if all of these things are really happening.  I mean, think about it... . Not that I talk to anyone because I'm too ashamed, embarrassed, and so on.  Besides, I sometimes think that I've finally lost touch with reality, but unfortunately, only for a minute... . so why would I think that someone living a normal life would understand, or believe me, for that matter!  I could probably (as could many of you, I am sure), write a book - a best seller.  I wonder if anyone has ever won a Pulitzer out of sympathy?

Anyway, I also don't mean to disappear.  Trust me, I disappear because I have to plan.  I have to figure out how to stay one step ahead of her.  Well, until now.

Last Monday morning, I woke up and just knew what I had to do... . like it or not.  I called her Probation Officer.  Oh, let me back up a minute because this was priceless.

One night while I was working late, a police officer and a probation officer came to the house to educate, and encourage us to take advantage of, a new mental health program.  It was new alright.  I think that my house was their first stop.  Anyway, if you, or anyone in your family, ever needs someone to talk to, they want you to call either one of them, or (yeah, this might happen) CHIEF idiot.  Is it just me, or does anyone else find this ridiculous?

Back to Monday.  I told my husband that I was going to call someone, and I asked who he thought I should call.  So, I called the probation officer that came to the house that night - she had left her card with my husband.  Surprisingly, she answered the phone, and I told her who I was.  I barely finished introducing myself when she cut me off, asked if she was my daughter's probation officer (really?), and told me that she could not help me.  Thank God she wasn't standing in front of me because I seriously might have hit her.  I thought that they would help me.  It's not my fault that it took at least three of them to come up with this ridiculously stupid program.  Oh, have you seen Sybil?  Now picture Sybil on steroids.  You're going to need more than three people to get her to even acknowledge you.

Anyway, the rude (rhymes with WITCH - just replace the "W" with a big "B" ... . told me that I had to call the police officer that came to the house that night, or Chief Idiot (really?  have you learned absolutely nothing?).  I called and left him a message, explaining who I was, and requesting a return call.  Last Monday.  The only logical explanation is that our town is merging the PD with the FD, and they practiced by blowing smoke up my family's butts.

I did finally get to talk to her PO.  He knew nothing about the abortion, the suicide attempt, or the fact that she was discharged her first day in the Partial Program.  He also had no idea that she was in a relationship with her ex - the one that broke her nose and stabbed my husband).  Actually, my husband doesn't know either.  I just can't hurt him like that.  So, her PO told me she tried to drop the NCO against him, but the judge wouldn't allow it.  A judge ordered NCO's for both of them, after the attack, in 2010.  They don't expire until 2018.

Her PO was going to look into the bf a little more, call her in, do a little homework to see what he could do, and call me back.  He said that he felt bad.  He thought that everything was fine.  He said that he had no idea how bad it was.  That's when he would ask something that would change everything, "I suppose she still has a key, right?"  After work, I frantically searched my entire house for my favorite diamond ring.  It was nothing of incredible value, but it was a gift from my husband, and I adored that ring.  I only took it off because it kept falling off of my finger because I lost a lot of weight (thanks to my daughter a.k.a. my weight loss plan) and had to have it resized.  I didn't want to lose it.  

I started to panic because I didn't want my husband to know.  I mean, I told him, but not about her.  I said that I had lost it.  I knew why I was crying, but he just thought that I was upset about losing the ring.  While I was still crying, and pouring sweat, and tearing my house apart, praying that I was wrong, she called.  She asked me why I was crying and I told her that I couldn't find my ring.  Her response was "your ring?"  Like she was repeating what I had said to someone else in the room with her - like a "here we go" kind of warning.  Then she simply said "Well, getting all upset about it isn't going to change anything."

On Friday, what her PO had asked me was still nagging at me, and I still couldn't find my ring.  Something told me to check on some other things.  My Kindle.  Gone.  My IPod.  Gone.  The very first ring that my husband ever bought me.  It was 26 years ago, and he had to put it on lay-a-way.  Gone.

Well, it was pretty obvious that I had to tell my husband what I suspected.  He immediately went to check his things.  IPod.  Gone.  GPS.  Gone.  I don't remember what else, to tell you the truth.  I thin a kind of shock.  Saturday I couldn't even get out of bed.  I did nothing but cry.  Cried again all day Sunday.  On Sunday night, my husband changed the locks.  On Monday, I called in and cried all day.

I feel like I've been grieving ever since.  I thought that I'd been through it all, but never have I felt pain like this.  Holding it in all day, acting as normal as possible, is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but it wasn't that long ago that I almost lost my job, of 15 years, because I was too emotional while my daughter was on trial, and it really didn't go over well when I told my boss to "grow a uterus."  It was over a year before she was sentenced.  Of course I was emotional.

My daughter lives with a man that has been arrested 41 times for felony assault (domestic).

Never thought that I would give up, but it would seem that I am running out of options.

-BeyondDefeated

[musicfan42]

Hi Defeated,

I'm not a parent so I can only imagine how heartbreaking this situation must feel for both you and your husband. I'm sending you   and prayers right now.

Have you heard of Al-Anon? It's a 12 step group for anyone affected by someone's drinking however I believe that it could also help you and your husband with your daughter's BPD. I agree with others here that you need some support for yourself right now.

[vivekananda]

Defeated you must feel exhausted and wrung dry. A whole lot of mixed emotions must be racing through you, you'd surely be angry with your dd and her probation people, frustrated that you weren't prepared for this and deeply, deeply sad that this is your d. There are others here who have also been in the same situation as you are now. We understand this crazy situation.

Our first concern is to take care of ourselves. This is where you and your dh could focus your energies. Please find a therapist that can help you both with this, someone who understands BPD and who understands what it means to be a parent of an adult child with BPD.

Here you can register for a 12 week program with NEA that can help you (they may also know of a good therapist for you):

NEA BPD - Family Connections

From my own personal experience, a therapist who understands, a group of peers in the same boat meeting to discuss their concerns, programs such as the one above, all, I have found, are helpful to us. And please stay in touch with us here. Let us know what happens and keep in touch. Let us also support you.

Cheers,

Vivek      

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jojospal]

My dd is 31 and when she was 24, I was the same as you. I allowed myself to be a victim of her crazy-making. I felt so much compassion for her and did everything I could to help her. I could never do the right things. I was in deep despair.

I have read through your previous posts and relate so much to the things that you are living with, and the heart-break that comes with living with a daughter that is so mentally ill.

A real change happened in me as a result of being on this forum. I learned a lot about BPD, through the articles and book recommendations. Most of all, knowing that there are so many other loving, focused individuals that KNOW and share their personal journeys.

I love my dd, but I don't let her abuse me anymore. I don't insert myself into her drama anymore either. When, in just the last year, she got addicted to drugs and lost everything, (which included her three kids)- it didn't kill me. I understand that she lives her life with black and white thinking: sometimes she Loves me and other times she Hates me. It is up to me to make it grey.

One of the concepts I found almost impossible was,- taking care of myself. One day it just dawned on me that I had been living a pretty miserable existence, and I wanted to change it. Accepting that I could not be 100% responsible for my dd's life anymore, and, learning to change MY life. I deserve happiness in this life, and you do too. In todays' FB lingo-YOLO. 

I hope you stay on these boards. I like you, and I like your humour. You remind me a lot of my  sister-in-law, who is very dear to me.

My dd is engaged to a new man I haven't met. They are planning to get married next year in his home country in the middle east. Needless to say, I won't be attending and I doubt her children's fathers  will allow their kids to go. Yep. You can't make this stuff up.

[mamachelle]

I deserve happiness in this life, and you do too. In todays' FB lingo-YOLO. 

I hope you stay on these boards. I like you, and I like your humour.

Defeated,

My ex has BPD my H's exW has BPD, I am raising 6 kids age 2-16. One of them may be pre-schizophrenic, another is probably heading for BPD. I know only 10 % of what you are dealing with with your DD. My job is something of a refuge from the chaos in my family at times and it's kind of nuts there sometimes too.

I just want to say though your posts have me laughing and crying out loud. I mean it's like Erma Bombeck channeled through George Carlin. I want you to keep posting for your healing, but you know it's helping me feel so not alone and able to see some of what I am dealing with in a way that can bring laughter. I know it's so much sadness and I don't mean to make light of it. Keep posting!

 

mamachelle

[Defeated]

I really want to thank you all for your responses.  While we may not all have gone through the same experiences (and hopefully, we won't all have to), we do all have something in common... . We all care about someone that has a serious mental illness.

For those of you that have commented on my sense of humor, which I have to admit some have faulted me for, it means a lot to me to know that I have made someone laugh... . even if just for a moment.  I truly believe that my sense of humor is what has kept me sane.  Of course, my definition of "sane," may differ greatly from your definition of "sane."  Fortunately, this is my story so my definition of "sane" is the only one that counts. 

I am also amazed by some of you.  Six children?  I hope that you have decent health insurance, but I'm thinking that what you really need is to spend a little more time watching television and a little less time... . Well, you know.   

Some of you have also suggested therapy or AA.  Actually, I have tried both.  As a matter of fact, I am on enough medication to make a lobotomy seem like a pleasurable experience.

Seriously though, while I am not knocking it, talking to a therapist just wasn't for me.  I mean, I understand that it's normal to leave your therapist's office in tears - talking about what you're going through is painful - but if, while during your session, you are picturing yourself tearing the limbs off of a voodoo doll that bears a striking resemblance to your therapist, I could be wrong, but I fail to see the therapeutic value here. 

The problem that I had with AA was that, while you are encouraged to share your experiences with the others, commenting or providing any type of feedback was prohibited.  No offense, but guess what?  I can get that by talking to my dog, and don't even have to leave my house. 

The pain is still unbearable.  I wake up crying every morning, and I cry myself to sleep every night.  I am supposed to be at my son's birthday party in 45 minutes, but here I am balling my eyes out on the computer instead of getting ready.  I guess I better go.  I'll finish up here later.

Again, thank you all so much for listening.

-Defeated

[vivekananda]

Hi defeated,

Who hasn't sat here at the screen tears dripping down? I hope you were able to enjoy your sons b'day a little bit after all that. Sadness seems a constant in our lives at the moment. But there is hope which we are all working toward.

We all have a lot to learn about ourselves here. I am sorry your therapeutic relationship was unproductive. I know that if you have a good relationship with a good therapist, it can make life a lot easier, make that learning quicker and easier too.

Stay with us defeated, we are here for you.


Vivek    

[mamachelle]

Voodoo dolls  I feel that way about so many school based  spec ed teachers and therapists that told me various things about my kids-- normalizing -- and denying services. My SS15 (PDD-NOS, LDs, Bipolar r/o psychotic) can not write a coherent research paper to save his life -- last year-- before hospitalization--we were talking bizarre conspiracy theories mixed with facts and strange syntax and little punctuation--and when his teachers told me he was such a sweet sweet boy and he was writing at grade level-- I was thinking some very awful things... .

. I know that if you have a good relationship with a good therapist, it can make life a lot easier, make that learning quicker and easier too.

My T, I've had for 13 years. Her S32 has BPD and so she "gets it".

mamachelle

[Kate4queen]

I just want to give you a big hug and shout 'save yourself!" you can't help anyone if you jump in and drown with them. You are obviously an amazing and courageous woman, so don't let her destroy you.

When I decided I wasn't going to let what my son did lead to my early death through a stress-related heart attack, I finally started to take care of myself. I realized that even if I did die, my BPD son would still make my funeral all about him and that just wasn't acceptable. I'm a writer by trade and you have no idea the elaborate plots I've made up over the years to dispose of well meaning teachers, Therapists, friends and even occasionally my son. It keeps me sane.