Lawyer says i can get a girlfriend now. agreed?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My lawyer says it is ok to seek a girlfriend to minimize stress/emotional support, given I just filed for custody.    I certainly agree as the stress of the custody case can kill me.   but couldn't this be considered cruel and be used against me in court? 

[trappeddad]

My lawyer says it is ok to seek a girlfriend to minimize stress/emotional support, given I just filed for custody.    I certainly agree as the stress of the custody case can kill me.   but couldn't this be considered cruel and be used against me in court? 

[trappeddad]

I left out an important detail.    I am living with the kid's mom, but we are not married.    Given this, L says it is ok since I am single

[WalrusGumboot]

Your L is probably right that during the divorce process, having a girlfriend does have the benefit of having the emotional support of minimizing stress. He is also probably right that it won't be used against you in court, as long as you keep it reasonably private. However, I chose not to until after the divorce was settled. For one, my kids were grown and they respected and supported me, and I did not want to jeopardize that. Secondly, people talk. I had my integrity to uphold, and the thought of being seen in public with another woman under my arm during a divorce process has the risk of people I know that may see us coming to untrue conclusions about the cause of the divorce. Very few people understand BPD, let alone how it could be the underlying reason for a divorce. An affair... . their minds can comprehend that.

I was under a great deal of stress as you are now, and it didn't kill me. I had several supporting friends that were at my disposal to talk to often. I went to the gym a lot and worked off a lot of the stress. I made it and looking back, I am glad I chose the route I did. But that is just me. I would suggest counting the cost before jumping into anything.

I would like to add something. You are in a state of distress right now and your mind is not clear. You are at risk of selecting a woman who might be as bad or worse than the one you are divorcing. You know how a pwBPD puts you on a pedestal at first. This sounds really good when you are in so much emotional turmoil, like you are now. Just saying.

[DreamGirl]

Is it good legal strategy? I have no idea the answer. If your lawyer says it's OK, I'd trust that advice.  :)o you have someone in mind already? It just seems to be strange advice if you didn't ask for it?

Emotionally? Do you think you're ready?

There is so much value in learning the lessons from the relationship gone bad - that way you don't carry that same baggage into a new relationship.  The rule of thumb that an old-time member always used was 3 months for every year married (i.e. a four year marriage = 1 year wait time). After an abusive relationship, it's important to properly heal from that relationship - along with understanding how you got into the relationship in the first place. We all play a role in the breakdown of these relationships.

I also think that you put yourself at risk for a "trauma bonding" of sorts when entering into a relationship while still going thru a divorce. You know, where you're going thru all these court proceedings... . and you literally bond with your new girlfriend over all the drama that comes with a divorce [from a pwBPD]. It's not a good foundation for a stable, healthy relationship.

And my final thoughts on the matter - statistically speaking, most women really struggle with stepmom figures to their children. A pwBPD tends not be very well equipped in dealing with the new addition to your family. It can get ugly with all that added stress - for you. For your ex. For the new GF. It's not really fair to any one of you. I speak from experience on that one (I started dating my husband while he was divorcing his ex).  

So my advice is to wait.  

[ForeverDad]

The others have made points that I would have made too, give yourself time to recover and time for the real 'you' to resurface.  So I'll add one other issue.  You may not be married and you may not be intimate, but you're still living together in the same residence.  That is a potential problem since you're still in close proximity to your exGF.  If/when she finds out - even if she's already finding herself new BFs, her claws could come out, so to speak.  An overreaction is not guaranteed to happen, but know that she will hold you to different rules than she makes for herself.  From her perspective she can do no wrong, but you're an irresistible target.

If at all possible, you should wait until one of you is living elsewhere IMO.  I'm not saying you can't have her as a friend, even a close friend, but getting into the romantic aspect too soon could make things much more complicated.  I'm not saying it will, but it sure could.  Of course, being discrete will help.

"All things are lawful for me; but not all things are advantageous." - 1 Cor. 6:12; 10:23

[hurry.up.and.wait]

Ditto for Forever Dad. Hopefully you will take your Lawyer's consent to allow yourself to be open to having a relationship. For me, just the idea that I could if I wanted to was really satisfying, and perhaps thinking about this sometimes provided me with a pleasant distraction.

[momtara]

Can you keep your dating to outside of the home?  You can't really bring her around, and maybe best to keep her away from the kids for now.

[livednlearned]

Take one month for every year of marriage and multiply by two. That's the rule of thumb for time to recover before dating that I've heard for people divorcing high-conflict spouses.

Get your strength and support from friends and family. You need to figure out why you married this person, otherwise you're all cued up for BPD #2. Not only that, in Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, the author says people who marry disordered spouses are more likely to pick a disordered lawyer. Having been married to a N/BPD trial attorney, I can tell you that the profession is ripe for BPD types.

And last, it's not fair to bring in a new person to this chaos until you have it tamed. I was 2.5 out of my marriage from N/BPDx, and started dating someone after 2 years. I just went to trial for sole legal custody and while new guy was very supportive, all kinds of dark stuff came up for me during the time leading up to trial. I wasn't a good gf because I was so focused on surviving.