What kind of help can I get in the board

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I feel like I might need to try to come to this board from tim e to time to make sure I want stay of if its time to go.  I'm not sure what to think. Right now things are going well. Over the weekend I woul dhave said its nearing the end.

Sittign next to my wife in the back seat of her parents truck with the whole family around we text back and forth becasue we can't talk about this problem inforn tof all of them.  She thinks her sister is persuing me and I left in the middle of the night to go to her cabin. Of course I did not and she has thought this about her sister for years. She says we should just end this then in a text.

By Sunday morning she is happy as if nothing is the matter.  Since Sunday the same. 

I'm leaning on leaving and have that mind set and have had it for a good long while now. However I never have ever said I would and when the topic is brought up by her... . I say I will stay and we can work on this.

Am I the one that has the issues?

[Cipher13]

I feel like I might need to try to come to this board from tim e to time to make sure I want stay of if its time to go.  I'm not sure what to think. Right now things are going well. Over the weekend I woul dhave said its nearing the end.

Sittign next to my wife in the back seat of her parents truck with the whole family around we text back and forth becasue we can't talk about this problem inforn tof all of them.  She thinks her sister is persuing me and I left in the middle of the night to go to her cabin. Of course I did not and she has thought this about her sister for years. She says we should just end this then in a text.

By Sunday morning she is happy as if nothing is the matter.  Since Sunday the same. 

I'm leaning on leaving and have that mind set and have had it for a good long while now. However I never have ever said I would and when the topic is brought up by her... . I say I will stay and we can work on this.

Am I the one that has the issues?

[Validation78]

Hi Cipher!

While you are wondering if you want to stay or go, are you implementing any changes yourself to improve the way you two relate to one another?

For instance, what do you say to her when she accuses you of cheating with her sister? Do you validate her feelings?

If you aren't sure what I mean by this, have you taken a look at The Lessons on the staying board?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[waverider]

The difference is that she can throw these threats around, then withdraw them,with no consequence from you. If you bring up the subject it will be thrown back at you constantly, so you dont. That brings about the resentment and thoughts of injustice.

It is commonly recommended i think that you don't bring it up until you are sure and have a plan in place, as it can get ugly.

[Grey Kitty]

I do agree--any discussion of you leaving with a pwBPD will have huge consequences, no matter how many times they have threatened to leave or even left themselves. Completely unfair and also the normal state of it for us here.

[Cipher13]

I have never eve been the one to discuss leaving. But I think about it every day. Some more than others.  One hand I feel I need to stay. But for what? We don't have kids... . she didn't want any and now I won't bring any into this relationship. They don't need to be apart of this.  I dream about twhat it would be like to be apart. Then te next second I dread the anxiety of the moment she tries to come back. 

My anxiety level is near orbit during the last 10 to 15 mins prior to her getting home from work. I pace around and sweat. Especially when she calls to make sure I'm not doing anything wrong or inapropirate. Then like yesterday I just decide to not let it get to me and watch the news. Normally I am with the dogs by the kitchen door. (I guess I'm one of them). I am trying to help the dogs not bark so much when the garge door opens. But I guees I have be trained to be at the door now to. I wasn't at the door yesterday so I had to be doing something wrong.  I hate that. I hate not being able to live without an axiety of having to explain myself.

If I bring that up it only gets turned back at me. "well you caused this so you have to deal with it. Its your punishment"  I just want to it stop.

[artman.1]

Cipher13,

You need to establish boundries and limits between you and your Wife. I stopped my Wife's rages about a year and a half ago.  I discovered she is BPD, and I am Codependent a two years  ago, and started working on me, and learning about BPD. 

     Boundries: I will not remain in the same location with someone who is raging, humiliating, or calling me filthy names, etc.  I did not tell her my Boundry, and just left each time she started.  It took three times and the fourth, she said, "If I say that, you will leave." and stopped raging and calling me names.  I just wish I would have known this many years ago.  Limit: I will not remain in a relationship with someone who is cheating on me.  I have not informed her, but I will not stay with her if she ever does this again.

     Boundries and limits are for your protection.  You must protect yourself emotionally, and physically.  I have detached with love, not anger and hate, but with understanding and compassion.  This allows me to see clearly what she is doing and what her behavior is a result of.  That is my mindfull way of figuring out what she really means and is doing, such as projecting, or victimizing herself.  She accused me of cheating on her at our 43rd wedding anniversary celebration.  With Understanding of the BPD behaviors and why, it became obvious she was projecting onto me her guilt and shame from her own past cheating.  It was in essence her admission to me that she has cheated, although she was not intending this, or even realized she was telling me her inner secrets.  Her behaviors betrayed her.  Typical BPD behaviors can allow you to know a lot more than you believe.  Her Childhood trama came from her very abusive and dysfunctional parents.  They beat her and her sisters, and essentially abandoned them as children while totally drunk out of their minds.  Her Father drank himself to death by age of 40.  There are no words to describe the intense abandonment and torture her parents waged on their children.  Her Mom was most definitly BPD.

Art

[Grey Kitty]

I wasn't at the door yesterday so I had to be doing something wrong.  I hate that. I hate not being able to live without an axiety of having to explain myself.

That is something we can help you with here! (I'm going back to your topic title here )

You don't have to explain yourself.

In fact, you make things worse when you do at least 99% of the time.

One of the things we say here is don't JADE. Don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.

The problem is that if you do any of these things, it is invalidating to your partner (which makes things worse!) and it won't convince them anyhow (which won't make things better, and will frustrate you more.) It is just a losing proposition, worse than a waste of time and breath!

We just had a great topic about it on the Staying Board. I recommend you read it:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=205038.0

[waverider]

Using boundaries and not using JADE, there will be explosions, but if you weather these you will feel good and more empowered. Once you gain a better sense of self as a result you will be in a better position to actually make more actionable plans for the future, rather than just daydreaming about them.

She is a human being no different to you. She only has power over you because you give her that power. You can take it away. Submissive have the ultimate power as dominants need the submissive to give them their power. They cannot choose to be dominant.  A submissive can choose whether to be submissive or not. That choice is what we focus on here.

Learn not to need her approval and not fear the consequences

[Cipher13]

waverider

thak you so much for those motivsating words. I coppied them and saved them down so I can use them to keep remindig myslef that. She is able to guilt me into those feelings and I feel better when I am able ot stand up and not be controled. It just makes the house feel like a warzone or ticking time bomb. But its like that even if I give in anyway.

Again thanks so much to everyone.

[allibaba]

Cipher13,

I have been doing a lot of self-empowerment recently in my marriage and my husband doesn't like it one bit. 

The good news is that if you stick to it... . I guarantee that you will have a better life.  Hopefully she will see the light and join you in the better life.  I know that there are many, many success stories on these boards.  Even if she doesn't sign on board, you will still have a better life. 

It may be that she ducks out to the darkness occasionally... . or perhaps she can't handle the new you and things don't work out.  I am absolutely not saying that this will happen but its always a possibility. 

Once the fog started to lift, I realized how crazy my life had been.  I still can't believe that I was living in the insanity.

All of this being said, I adore my husband and I hope that we grow old together... . I just won't sacrifice myself to do it.

[Cipher13]

allibaba

Again thank you fore input and advise. It is very helpful to know that there are others and you are not alone.  I contribute back where I can on other posts. Just knowing others have similar if not the exact same struggles lets a first timer know they are not alone and can find support.

I do need to take control of my life a lot more than I have. Currently I have tried a few minor things and have seen the imediate resistance to it. By not caving to her every whim and demand and being able to pick and chose to stand my ground a little more I get the  "you are being mean". I expect that and trying to handle it the best I can. I have a long way to go yet but I am getting the confidence to actually do it.  That alone is huge. Liek I said a lot of work is still ahead. I hope to remain together through this but like you said I hope we to can grow old togehter but I also willbegin to not sacrifice myself for it.

Thank you so much

[allibaba]

Good for you!





My struggle started with something very simple.  I was not going to take verbal abuse either in the car or while I was making him dinner.  That little bit of freedom expanded to other areas of our life and regardless of the struggles that I have... . I don't feel a big black cloud following me anymore.  When you are true to yourself and true to what you know is right (in a loving way)... . then you become FREE.