Help from couples therapy?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My wife received a lengthy letter from a father-figure who encouraged her to seek help, change, and try to save her marriage. So now (after weeks of stating she wants a divorce and telling our 4 yr old twins that they were going to find a new house with her) she wants to go to couple's therapy (again). My experience in the past with her in couple's therapy has not been positive. She usually decides pretty quickly that the therapist is terrible or that the therapist and I are ganging up on her, and she stops going. So I need some advice. Has anyone here had success with couple's therapy? I would love for her to see that she has a problem and start getting real help for her BPD. Are there any techniques anyone has used in therapy to get through to a significant other?

[JimMN]

My wife received a lengthy letter from a father-figure who encouraged her to seek help, change, and try to save her marriage. So now (after weeks of stating she wants a divorce and telling our 4 yr old twins that they were going to find a new house with her) she wants to go to couple's therapy (again). My experience in the past with her in couple's therapy has not been positive. She usually decides pretty quickly that the therapist is terrible or that the therapist and I are ganging up on her, and she stops going. So I need some advice. Has anyone here had success with couple's therapy? I would love for her to see that she has a problem and start getting real help for her BPD. Are there any techniques anyone has used in therapy to get through to a significant other?

[bruceli]

I have personally not had good results with MC however I know of couples who have... . I believe my bad experiences were due to inexperienced T's along with pwPD's that were not ready for therapy... .

[Surnia]

JimMN

Sounds like you had no much success with MC and you are not alone here! Many of us here had attempts with MC not very successfull.

One of the triggers is shame, which comes easily being in T together and for people with BPD shame is even more difficult than it is for us... .

[Validation78]

Hi Jim!

Another reason that couples T is not usually helpful for pwBPD is acceptance of one's responsibility. pwBPD tend to want to blame everyone else for their problems, and in couple's T, we are encouraged to look at our parts!

There is another alternative, and that is to attend couples T to do DBT. DBT, dialectical behavioral therapy, has been shown to be very helpful for those with BPD, and teaches both the pwBPD and non, skills to deal with feelings and emotions in healthy ways. Personality disorders are tough to treat because our personalities are engrained in us. To change who we are is a real challenge, however, with the right methods, it can be done.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[JimMN]

Val78 - thanks for your suggestion! So how do you get an undiagnosed BPD to attend dialectical behavioral therapy? Especially a high functioning BPD who would see right through any attempt at that. Maybe my best hope is to find a therapist who does DBT and marital therapy... .

[Validation78]

Hi Jim:

One way to introduce the idea of DBT is with a book called "The High Conflict Couple".

It is all about DBT, and never mentions BPD. She may think it's a great idea all on her own! If she was open to MC, she may be receptive to a therapy that is about using tools, not just talking! My (now) ex was very open to it, although sadly, never did the work. It helped me a great deal though, and I use some of the tools in other aspects of my life as well!

You should be able to find a T who does both MC and DBT, depending on where you are. DBT is well known and accepted by many as effective!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[coasterhusband]

3 Ts in, I'm convinced the ONLY way MC has ANY value is to find one that understands and specifically deals with BPD. Otherwise, it's a waste if time.

What I did once the dBPDw agreed to MC was to volunteer tondo the search. I searched based on those with BPD experience, called each to discuss situation and ask how they would handle out sessions.

I picked my favorite two and then passed them

To my wife to choose. She didn't take but a minute to pick one.