The worse time of my life so far

[heronbird]

Hello its me again, Ive been through the worse week of my life this last week. Ive had the baby for the last two weeks so thats been making my days busy.

I love him and have obviously bonded a lot with him.

Last Wednesday, I got about 30 calls all day. Starting with the first one at 7am, from dds dh saying she has thrown him out. He was crying all day phoning me and social services, poor man, he had such a lovely 7 months living with my dd and all going so so well :'(

My son was visiting my dd he came back saying she was on something and hes worried, my 84 year old mum was there doing her house work seeing all the drinking and tablet abuse dd was doing. I was wishing everyone would stop worrying about her and leave me alone. DD will do what dd will do. So an ambulance was called because she told dh she took 15 diazipam, but they went away after dd said she was fine, she couldnt even speak so dont know what happened there.

Finally, dh went back to the home and there was conflict and she tried to jump out of the window( he should have let her) He called the Police and dd was taken to A&E she is now admitted under section.

Waiting to get a bed in mother and baby unit.

she now says she is better now and ready to go home. uh what planet is she on.

We had a meeting the day before all this, there was psych, midwife, social services saying to dd to go into mother and baby unit, she refused, said she didnt like one of the staff there. She refused everything they offered. So she went home feeling terrible, not suicidal but definitely dysregulated, depressed, and lots of other stuff.

This is the first time her dh went through this with her. He kept saying, even if she gets better he does not think he can stay with her, he cant cope, he was getting mental from it :'(

Yesterday, the social worker for the baby told me she spoke to dds consultant at the hospital and he said its not post natal depression, its BPD. This leaves the baby in a bad situation, he may loose her. Poor baby, I feel so sorry for him. So so sorry.

I really thought (again) that my dd was going to die. When she gets bad it gets so bad that she would go and do something stupid.

She is so bad, I dont remember seeing her like this, its like she is really a bit mental. So confused and she really believes her lies. She looks at her baby as if he is a stranger :'( :'(

The dad is paranoid he is going to loose the baby, he loves him so much, but love is not enough really, that poor baby needs a stable environment.

This adds a whole new concept to this problems. I now have a grandson and its like I have another adult child to try to help dds dh.

Ive had the baby for the last two weeks, last night dds dh had him back overnight. The plan is that I have baby in the day while dh works, he will have him over night.

Dds dh says he is going to make her go into a mother and baby unit, then when she is better he will make her get therapy. Good luck with that, he does not know her, she can just go off people and she will probably kick him out again soon. Still, time will tell.

Its so so bad, even when I try to be positive.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

HB:  I feel so much emotion with every word I read.  I don't have any suggestions right now but wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you and your dh and gs.  Does your DD ask to spend time with the baby or has she disconnected from him emotionally? 

Griz

[swampped]

Dear heronbird:  Just wanted to add my thoughts and prayers to those of your other friends here.  Is the little one eating well and gaining weight?  If he is, then you need to take care of yourself, try to sleep at night when his father has him, and use this time when dd is safe in hospital to try to build up your own strength.  My heart goes out to you---we went through a couple of very similar episodes when our gd4 was an infant, and I thought I would lose my mind, worrying about her.  Our ds was overwhelmed and calling all the time, and we raced up to them (a six hour drive) and nothing got done, and how I hate to even remember it.  At any rate, our gd4 is still with her mother, ds has subsequently divorced her, and gd4 seems well cared for and loved in her mother's care.  Our ds has limited contact with her, but he does get to see her weekly.   I try not to think about what all that early drama did to her psyche, and pray that she will be resilient and healthy herself.  But that is not in our hands.  As you well know, some here have taken over and raised their grandchildren, others have had to let them go into care, still others have forged somewhere in between.  I wish I knew what the best thing to do would be, but I do know that we all are doing our very best to cope with this terrible BPD and its ripple effects.  I pray that you can find some peace, at least knowing your dd is safe (how long will she be in hospital?), the baby is loved and thriving, and you are doing all that is humanly possible for your family.  Take care of yourself, please.  We all love you here!             Swampped

[Reality]

Dear heronbird,

What a truly difficult situation for you and your family.  As usual, though, you are ploughing through the chaos.  Are you getting enough rest and sleep?

Hopefully, your dd will be stabilized in the hospital and be given proper support when she leaves.

Thinking of you,

Reality

[pessim-optimist]

Dear heronbird,

What a situation!   

From your post it sounded like things were starting to settle down a bit with your dd in A&E (is that your version if the emergency room in hospital?)

What did you mean by "this leaves the baby in a bad situation, he might loose her"?

Do you mean emotionally, or physically, or can they take him a way completely?

You are in for some more of the roller coaster, so take care of yourself, proper sleep, proper food, enough rest etc.

There is hope. Whether your SIL decides to stay or leave, he is another adult that can provide a stable environment for your gs - at least part of the time.

Let's hope in time your dd will want her life to change for the better, maybe for her son's sake... .

Let us know, and let us hold your hand through it all... .    

PessiO

[jellibeans]

Heronbird

oh how things have changed for you and your family. I was so hoping the baby would bring stability and focus to your dd. I hope you can get her some help. Is it just simply too stressful for her to be responsible for the baby? It seems like she is running away from this responsibility and her new baby. I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and hoping things get better. I wish I had more to offer you. It just sounds like your dd has given up.  

[crazedncrazymom]

Heron,

I'm so sorry your family is going through this.  I know exactly what you're talking about in regards to your daughter being so bad.  I've seen mine like that.  It's almost like the fundamental part of who she is has left for a bit and the only thing left is pain. My heart aches for you and for your daughter.  This too will pass tho.  She will get through this time and go back to being the general pain in the neck you know and love.

Hang in there and take care of yourself.

[twojaybirds]

Heron,

What a gambit of emotions.  I am so sorry and will pray for the health and safety of every one.

[heronbird]

I am tired, sad, happy, scared, emotional, pleased to have a lovely gorgeous baby.  You name it, I have it haha.

For the last 8 days I think I have had one night off. Tonight is the second night, so Im having an early night as baby is expected at 6 am.

Dd in psychiatric assessment unit. I think they will assess her this week, but she is fine now. She got her break that she needed and she is ok. Still, Im hoping she will go in the mother and baby unit as soon as a bed becomes available, they say next week.

A&E is accident and emergency in UK

So, she is ok again now, say she goes in mother and baby unit for 6 weeks which I believe is the programmes time. Then she comes out and she is really good again... . then what?  

Would they let her have him on her own full time. Shes not the only woman with BPD to have a baby, so what happens with all the other ones I wonder.

Babies so gorgeous, he is so so lovely happy and content. Perfect to look at. Im taking him for his 6 week check tomorrow, Ill see how much weight he has put on but he is long now, he has started following me around the room with his eyes, hes been doing that for the last week or two, he can focus and look at toys now, he loves that, he is strong. Smiling, his lips are like my dds but he looks like his daddy.

You know, guys! love alone is not enough for a baby, they need stability too, peace and a routine is very good too.

In reality, did we think everything was going to be ok/normal. Ive never read anywhere that if you have BPD, have a baby and get married, and BPD will disappear.

I feel angry,  when we were at meetings making plans in case this happened, her psychiatrist told everyone that my dd did not have BPD she just had a bad adolescent time. She sees my dd once a month for 15 minutes and she is an expert huh!

I was very unpopular when I said that dd has 9 out of 9 symptoms so how can that be.

She was in remission I think or the pregnancy was making her ok ish.

She said she was in recession haha, dd said that, confused.

Cor! its boiling in UK today, 32 degrease.

Im having baby in the day and daddy should pick him up in evening and go and see my dd in hospital, dont know how he will manage that but thats the deal for now.

[pessim-optimist]

Thank you for all the updates, heronbird!

I hear some humor in your post, you seem to be starting to relax a bit... .  

Hang in there, baby steps, baby steps... . Your gs sounds like a smart baby!

[TopsyTurvy]

Heronbird, you are doing a great job by stepping in and taking care of your gs. He is lucky to have you be present for him when his mom can't be. You have been on quite a ride for the past few weeks. It must be exhausting. I think you forget how much time and work it is to take care of a new baby when it has been so many years since a new child has been in the home. But, oh what a joy, those grandsons are.

I have been following your story and I know how hopeful you have been because your daughter seemed so much better when she was pregnant. I have a 24 year old dd with BPD and when she was pregnant, she was also the healthiest I had seen her in years. It was a beautiful transformation and she seemed so normal. Like you said, almost in remission. Someone posted on this board once about thinking there was some type of hormonal tie to BPD and it does make you wonder. It would be interesting to hear if other mothers of children with BPD dds have witnessed the same thing.

I am glad your dd is getting some help. It is great that she will be in a six week program.  I will keep her and you in my prayers.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heronbird]

Pesim  How is your dd doing now? does she look after her baby? sorry I have no time to read much at the moment so I dont remember either haha.

This is one time where I am glad I had  4 kids, well I always wanted a big family but when things started getting so hard I did wonder why I wanted that.

So I have got a lot of support from my family even my 83 year old mum is here helping out, doing all my ironing and cleaning.

You know my dd was fine throughout pregnancy, but I knew this might happen. It was all the psychs saying she will be ok, I nearly believed them, they all tried to keep me optimistic, but I would rather be realistic, then you dont get such a shock.

I am taking it a day at a time for now. Cant think too far ahead

Thank you all for your posts and support, you all understand

[jellibeans]

heronbird

I think it is important to remain positive going forward... . your dd was once in a good place and I beleive she will return to that state again. I hope she levels out soon and gets some much needed help. I am glad you have your mom their to help... . in fact I am a bit jealous. Try to enjoy the time you have with the baby and your mom. Your dd is lucky to have you by your side. Take care of yourself and keep us posted.

[pessim-optimist]

  Thanks for asking, heronbird,

Our dd (my sd) has just visited for the weekend - first visit after a year and a half. It went well! (she has bigger kids 12,10 and 8) we love them all dearly, they grow up so fast! I remember them as babies, changed a lot of diapers  ... . Would do it all over again.

Looking back, I hope the kids are going to grow up semi-normal, even though I know there will be issues. Too bad we were not always able to or allowed to be in closer touch, to provide more stability in their lives... . DD has always had too much drama in her life to really focus on her kids. No divorce or addictions (apart from internet and shopping), nevertheless, always enough fights with others and various personal disasters and 'emergencies' to keep everyone busy. And when she did focus on them, they were the source of dysregulation for her (so, I almost wished she was distracted by other issues again)... .

There will be better days and bad days.

We are determined to make the best of the good days and make the bad days less painful for everyone.  

[heronbird]

Pesim, are the children in danger of neglect? are social services involved? Yes, id we had gs permanently he would get 5 star gold treatment all the time. There is always someone here who is stable and calm to give him a cuddle, its a nice situation, if Im just starting to do something and baby cries, I can rely on another family member to take over and they all love him, miss him when hes not here.

We are not selfish, we dont think of ourselves first. Its like they just want the icing bit of the baby. Where as we are not like that we want to invest in his future for the sake of dd.

jellibeans,

Yes you are right, I know that, but then this will all kick off again when and where remains to be seen and dont forget, social services are not happy with that.

Dont be jealous of my mum, she is quite irritating at times. I was upset the other day, I went to tell her and she just shouted at me not to go on her wet floor

Later on she said to me I shouldnt get too stressed, haaa she stresses over nothing.

Well, I told her so she was a bit better yesterday.

[pessim-optimist]

Thank you for asking, heron,

In the past I thought the kids were well taken care of physically, but socially and emotionally, there was some neglect.

As they are older now, the amount of attention they get is not ideal, but adequate... .

Sounds like your little gs is getting lots of love.   

I just read the book "The Primal Wound" that is about adopted children, but also addresses the issues of separation from mommy due to premature birth and stay in incubators, etc. The book says that love and attachment are important, and that mommy is irreplaceable... . Is your daughter up to cuddling the baby and spending some time with him here and there?

Your description of what goes on between you and your mom brought a smile to my face - actually sounds sweet. 

[heronbird]

pessim,

Yes, exactly. Poor children really what was my dd thinking having a baby. uh. I dont think of the future too much, and I dont know what will happen, I dont like to think of how he isnt spending too much time with dd. Some people say hes only a baby, as long as someone feeds him he will be fine.

I studied attachment theory but you dont have to be an academic to work these things out.

Id say both parents are selfish, they want the cream but forget the other bits.

Dds in hospital so I bring baby when I can, tonight is the third time, she tells her dh not to bring baby, she just wants it to be them two, also, he works near the hospital and we live one hour away, so its easier for him to finish work and go straight to hospital for now.

Im nagging and nagging the director of the trust for our area to hurry and get her into mother and baby unit, I think they have to assess her first and there is no beds in there yet.

Yesterday, her dh said to me that if he decides he does not want her to go there he has 100% say. I found that very strange, hes saying its all up to him. Why would he say that?

Its the ideal place for her, all the professionals say that.

[pessim-optimist]

I wonder if your SIL feels a bit in he middle and feels the pressure... . Also maybe wants to please his wife and have some peace... . On top of it, he might want to feel in charge of his family... .

Just my two cents... .

[heronbird]

im getting the gist its all complicated. She says one thing about him, he says the opposite. Gosh its so hard.

She said she is trying to detach because its the only she can cope

He sees it like he is loosing her she never texts or phones him, when he phones her she is busy talking to people he does not like that. If it were me I would be pleased. If I was upset I would be accused of being controlling.

Yet when she was starting to get ill two weeks ago, she kept texting him at work and he would not reply.

She said if she does not phone him for 4 hours he makes a fuss and feels like she does not want to know.

She said at a meeting that if she does not text me back for 6 hours, I panic and put two and two together and make 20.


Sometimes, just sometimes