Wondering if anyone else has had a problem with birthdays

[Jep]

      While 9 years with a BPD NPD woman had a lot of rocky moments, my birthday always seemed to be the crescendo.  She would act like she was looking forward to it with me, but a couple days before my birthday she would start devaluing me. When the day would come, the hammer would drop and arguably some of the most horrible things would happen. Stuff you see when you watch the tv show cops. Trashy name calling, some physical abuse.

     My first birthday with her we went out to dinner.  While sitting at the bar waiting for a table a man bought her a drink which she accepted.  She looked so thrilled and really rubbed it in my face how men found her so attractive. Things got really ugly that night, she left me there by myself wondering what the heck was going on. The man taken away by the police because he got intoxicated and was hitting on everyone's wife.  My girl was the only one who appreciated his advances.

     I have 8 other stories like that. Some worse, some not quite that bad. These were defining moments in our relationship and I was wondering if other people had similar experiences.

     I never figured out what may be wrong with her while we were together. It wasn't until a couple days ago, two weeks after breaking up that our couples counselor any kind of diagnoses on it. Just seems like everything fits!

[4now]

Hello,

Yes, birthdays (only mine of course) are typically painful.  Last year, uBPDh bought a cake, some ice cream.  Thought things were looking up.  Then he sat down with iphone to make me a playlist of my favorite music. Didn't ask if I wanted the playlist, which was on his phone btw, and instead of actually relating to me sat there forever doing it.  Then out to dinner where he basically ignored me, no conversation.  Then while driving to the outdoor concert we were going to, he received a phone call from a woman he works with. Instead of saying what he was actually doing, he made up something about being with only his kids in another town. No mention of me.  Which sat me off because why lie and leave the wife out?  Then I got quiet, I brought it up, which made him really pissed, and he sat in the car at the concert until I texted him and said why didn't he come join us? 

I don't remember what happened the year before.  It was probably close.  Anyway, my birthday, mother's day, etc is never as important as any day for him.  He's already planning to not work on his b-day.  But I'm sure he will on mine.  He did on Mother's Day!  Did I mention he's self-employed and can decide things for himself on when he works!

Any holiday actually is bad for us, unless like I said it's one about him. Then there's no drama. 

[ab1a]

Hello,

Yes, Birthdays and significant events have always been some sort of

"trigger" for my SOwBPD.  I can remember spending lots of time and money planning a birthday one year for him, only to have him end up "flipping" as I call it, saying cruel things to me like he has never loved me and then walking out saying that he couldn't continue with this relationship.  I was astounded needless to say.  But this has been the course for the past 5 years of our relationship.  In our case, he seems to handle the moment well, but then later that day or the day after, he "flips".  I have come to sort of expect it, and through the book "stop walking on eggshells", learned that I need to "depersonalize" these incidences.  I have stopped "reacting" and instead protect myself, calling a "time out".  He eventually "flips" back and by the time he does, I don't prefer to "hash out" what happened. 

I don't understand what the triggers are for these events, stress, expectations, or the fact that it is usually a big act of love, which mine doesn't always handle well (he is also NPD). 

[Valentina]

My uBPDh is ok with my birthday, but it's our wedding anniversary that he ruins. We've had 2, and he has broken up with me on both. A week before our 1 year wedding anniversary, he was trying to start fights with me, accusing me of cheating. Ofcourse, I hadn't done anything whatsoever for him to even think that, but his excuse was that it was just instinct and his instincts are always right.

Early morning of our one year wedding anniversary, I told him how I had a needlestick injury at work and I was worried. His response to that word for word, was "you probably had sex with someone else, caught some sort of disease, and now you're using that as an excuse". He got physical with me, and I pushed him off me, and that's when he got up, called his parents at 2am and told them he was leaving me. On the actual day/night of our anniversary, I spent the day alone at home, crying looking out the window every 10 minutes waiting for him to come home. He didn't come home and I didn't hear from him until 1 week later.

He left him again a few days before our 2nd wedding anniversary. Again, he had started picking on me for no reason, and called up his parents and left me. I didn't hear from him on the day of our anniversary.

I have decided that our wedding anniversary is a reminder for him that it was the day that I took him away from his beloved parents. He was in tears on our wedding day when he did his speech about them. I didn't get a mention in his speech, ofcourse. It was just a 1/2 hour cry about how much he loves mummy and daddy.

This year, I have already requested that I work on the day of our anniversary. I just want that day to pass and get it over and done with.

[Jep]

     For me it seems like she is fine as long as the attention was on her. She loved her birthday. She just couldn't seem to accept the fact that my birthday was about me, and would sabotage it, and make it about her.

    Same thing to a lesser extent for my son from a previous r/s, my mom, my sister. All these days triggered episodes of underlying rage.

Jp

[Gimme Peace]

Birthdays, anniversaries and any type of special occasion are almost always ruined. I've come to expect it, but still try to carry on normally. He will shut down, go into crazymaking mode, pout, just plain act strange on these days. It took me a really long time to figure out it was BPD, for years I thought I had "done something" but in reality he just can't handle anyone having a special day (including himself) so he sabotages it.  It's one of those weird aspects of living with a pwBPD. They can't really enjoy special occasions and if you want to be with a pwBPD then you need to understand this. Doesn't take away from the fact that IT SUCKS!

[Relentless]

Mine (currently my ex? completely painted me black right now and I'm on silent treatment for 2 weeks now)... . it happened the weekend of my birthday... . And before that Valentine's day was ruined... .

Right now, I have no clue what'll happen. She thinks I was cheating or something. who knows. I wasn't, nor would I.

I'm lost and frustrated... . oh ya, I'm also going to spread my dad's ashes this weekend... . something I was hoping she'd be there for me for.

[ADecadeLost]

A birthday episode about 4 years ago is what led me to this site.  I don't even remember the details anymore (they're in a post on here somewhere), but just remember having to get out of the house, winding up at my office, and googling BPD (my wife had already been diagnosed) in hopes of finding something that might help. The best birthday present I received that year was probably finding this place.  Even though I don't post frequently, I know it's somewhere I can go for the information I need and a safe place to vent when I need it.