Does anyone elses BPD hold on to grudges for a long time?

[Valentina]

My uBPDh holds grudges for a very long time. He was made redundant about 7 years ago, and from his explanation it did sound unfair that he lost his job. He got another job straight away though. Even though it’s been 7 years, he is still very angry about it, and continues to persuade me how he was a good worker and how he hates his boss for doing that. To me, 7 years of holding on to that anger is a very long time!

He had a fallout with some guy another job 4 years ago. To this day, I still hear about it, and how he doesn’t know what the other guy’s issue was. He is still figuring out what happened in that argument and why the guy had a go at him. He also had an argument with his dad 4 years ago (about a video game). He still talks about it, and to this day, is still very upset by it.

He brings up every argument we have had in the last 5 years quite often. Most of them I don’t even remember because they were minor, but he still holds on to them, and is angry by them. One time, he sent an email to my sister, which was about all the arguments we have had in the last 5 years (most were minor) and his side of the story. I had thought that all these arguments had been resolved, but apparently not! He is still angry about most of them!

It seems like whenever anything happens, he keeps it in for years, no matter how minor and how long ago it occurred. Is this a common characteristic of BPD, or is my h just special?

[Kwamina]

Hi Valentina,

I think this indeed is a common characteristic of BPD. My uBPD mom still brings up things that happened 50 years ago, long before I was even borne. She always complains about how bad she has been treated by others, yet she never brings up how bad she has treated others. My uBPD sis is exactly the same, always assumes the role of victim but doesn't acknowledge her own abusive behavior.

[overwhelmedandconfused]

Valentina,

I too am in a relationship with a BPD H and he can not let things go. This weekend we were at a wine festival and some guy was standing in the doorway to the womens bathroom and he came over to yell at the guy telling him it was not ok. While they got heated and I was concerned with where it was leading my H walked away. However, he let it continue bothering him and he continued to be amped up for hours then used it as a reason to never go to the festival again. He never lets things go.

An older example would be when our daughter was born 4 years ago (he has a previous relationship with children) and doctors and hospitals are a trigger for him due to perceived issues from his previous childrens births. When our daughter was born, she was a footling breech and the midwife would not perform the birth outside of the hospital and did not go with us to the hospital (a bad thing on her part), I was still planning to try having her naturally but was unsuccessful and she started going into distress so I agreed to an emergency cesarean. All he could do is blame, yell scream, and get kicked out of the hospital and ruined what could have been one of the best days of my life. Instead, I am scarred with the trauma of that, not allowed to talk about that day and anytime anything is brought up he tells me that I screwed it up and despite her being in distress and not breathing on delivery should have had her naturally so he could enjoy it, even though that would have meant she was still born. This really hurts and I have never told anyone outside of immediate family about this. I was alone and scared and trying to make sure that my daughter got into this world safely and he makes it about him and his issues. Can someone please help me understand so that I can get a bandaid on this deep wound?