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If you have BPD can you bring baby up?
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Topic: If you have BPD can you bring baby up? (Read 832 times)
heronbird
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If you have BPD can you bring baby up?
«
on:
July 15, 2013, 08:58:54 AM »
How do pwBPD keep their babies? You never know when its about to strike, so if they give you your baby are you allowed it when you are on your own in the day?
Who would know when depression kicks in and they need a drink or diazipam or what ever they are inclined to do to help themselves?
Arent they thinking about themselves too much to be able to think of baby?
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jellibeans
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Re: If you have BPD can you bring baby up?
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Reply #1 on:
July 15, 2013, 01:26:21 PM »
heronbird
I really don't have any experience with a BPD having a baby but I would think having the baby would give the pwBPD a reason to focus on something other than themself... . I am wondering if this is what your dd needs to get out of her slump? I can imagine the more she is without her baby the more depressed and badly she feels. I can hear the voice in her head saying I am not good at anything... . not even taking care of my own baby. Or worse my mom doesn't think I am capable of taking care of the baby. I hope you can get your dd some help and let her try to take care of her baby with your supervision. Having a baby is a hard adjustment for anyone... . the lack of sleep and stress of not know what to do... . your dd needs help with that and knowing there is no perfect mother out there... . we all make mistakes... . it is okay to pick up and try again.
Is your dd having any contact with baby? Where is she staying?
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heronbird
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Re: If you have BPD can you bring baby up?
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July 15, 2013, 01:36:25 PM »
Yes I agree, but how can social services trust someone with BPD, you never know when they are suddenly going to get a crisis. I just wonder because I do know that pwBPD keep their babies.
It didnt help my dd to have another focus. She obviously felt she was useless and couldnt do a good job, she said hed be better off with me. I kept re affirming her but it meant nothing to her, it was like she couldnt hear me :'(
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jellibeans
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Re: If you have BPD can you bring baby up?
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Reply #3 on:
July 15, 2013, 01:56:39 PM »
heronbird... . how sad and how common... . how to get them to hear us that is key. I am going to say a prayer for you and your dd... . I really am hoping things turn around... . maybe with small steps she will feel more confident.
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qcarolr
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Re: If you have BPD can you bring baby up?
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July 15, 2013, 06:01:02 PM »
heronbird - in the mom&baby unit will there be constant supervision? will they be focused on helping her take care of her son -- able to see if she can get to place of even seeing his needs? Your D is a very young mom to start - she is really not yet growing herself. Very hard place to put the baby's needs ahead of her own.
My DD27 had her daughter a month after she turned 19. She did well during the pregnancy. She wanted very much to be a good mom - then things got hard. The nursing did not work so she was pumping breast milk. The daddy skipped out at 6 weeks for a couple months, then he was here a bit, gone a bit, til we kicked him out. They lived with us. DD took meds to sleep at night -- or sat up awake most of the night and slept all morning. I stepped in more and more.
The reality for us, and this is only my own situation, DD does not seem able to put gd8's need ahead of her own. She carries great fears that her daughter will turn out just a 'messed up as me', and is constantly critical of how dh and I manage our r/s with gd. We have had primary care since gd was 8 months (dad ended up in jail for being drunk and stupid for a year) - we got custody by a miracle when she was 18 months. And it is hard -- gd being our responsibility and D needing so much from us too. I feel caught in the middle a lot.
What I do know is that the child needs a consistent, supportive, nuturing enviroment to have the best chance of building a reslileint personality in the chaos of a family with BPD history. Whatever you are willing and able to give - give it. If your D cannot pull herself together, and the dad is not able to step up full time, put this child's needs ahead of all else.
If we knew how hard this would be, with DD living in our home so often, we may have allowed her to go to an adoptive home at 8 months when social services got involved instead of taking over care. But dh was able to be home with gd full time for a year - I figure this was the path we all were intended to take. And we do not get to live the past over. Only find the best path to move forward. And to do it without ability to predict the future one bit.
One day at a time. Keep lovin that awesome boy.
qcr
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heronbird
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Re: If you have BPD can you bring baby up?
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July 16, 2013, 03:35:40 AM »
qcarolr, your message made me cry, because that is the reality of it all. So sad isnt it. How can anyone make such a perfect baby and not relate to it, just shows you how bad this BPD is.
She sent me such a sad text yesterday, she is sectioned in an assessment unit at moment. She said she thought she was getting better. she said shes so sorry she wanted to get better for the baby so she could look after him but she cant.
Thank you jellibeans
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pessim-optimist
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Re: If you have BPD can you bring baby up?
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Reply #6 on:
July 17, 2013, 05:47:01 PM »
Good question, heronbird.
The truth is, BPD is as individual as the person with it - in intensity and particular symptoms. Some moms are able to take care of their children and some are even great moms, and the rest of the world does not even know there's anything wrong. Some moms are not able to function in that capacity at all... .
So, in your situation I would say, if/when your dd gets more stable, the question will be: can she keep it together, enough of the time and also can she stay at a minimum level that is safe for the baby? Also - will she be able to ask for/get support when she is 'out of it' from husband and other family members?
From what you are describing, it looks like right now different family members are stepping up to the plate. The question will be finding a long-term plan that is good for the baby, your dd, and everyone else... .
What do you think? How is it in the UK - are they in favor of family taking care of the children, or do they just take the kids away at some point? (that would be sad and scary)... .
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heronbird
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Re: If you have BPD can you bring baby up?
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July 18, 2013, 11:18:30 AM »
Pessim,
In UK, they have bad name for taking babies away too easily and not taking them when they should have. However, I think our social worker is good, she seems like she is trying not to break the family up. Mind you, I said from the beginning the baby can not go into care under any circumstances. She came round and checked us out, looked at our house etc. So we are on the list as the first place for the baby to go to. I just couldnt let him go into care Ive seen some of the foster parents and its just a bad system, I do a good job with him he gets the best treatment here.
Plus, I always said I would treat him as if he had BPD so be extra sensitive to his needs etc. Dont know why Im going on about that now haha
Yes, you are right all pwBPD are different, unique really arent they. I dont forget that. I am mainly going by dds history, is that a good idea do you think? so according to her history, she will be ok for a while then crisis starts, gets worse ending up in hospitalisation. Few days later she is 100% back to normal.
However, I have noticed in this very short length of time that she has always thought of the baby first, she knew she could totally flip so she would give baby to me first. She seems to have the sense to know before its too late.
Problem is before she got worse, she started trying to do things to help herself feel better, trouble is baby had to fit in with her. Were as most mums go to baby clinics or meet other mums at groups, she would be going on a train with a new baby to London to buy some clothes she wanted. She is vulnerable, had panic attack with pram etc etc.
Not ideal eh.
So, they just discharged her today, didnt tell anyone, we were all in shock. Ive got used to it now, she is so sensible, said she wants her baby but maybe 24 hours a day may be a bit too much at the beginning. She may go out tomorrow with dh and Ill have baby. So she can be so sensible. Yesterday she was saying that she never wants him to have more than 4 people to look after him her, dh, me and her dad. Wow, shock with her being so sensible. She was cross that her dh didnt buy me any baby milk, she was annoyed about that, said it was their responsibility. Lots of other similar things. It was great talking to her, you know the dad seems good but she is a mum and she knows about all the detail.
i wonder where all this will go.
Social services said its such a challenge for them, they are not sure what to do.
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qcarolr
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Re: If you have BPD can you bring baby up?
«
Reply #8 on:
July 18, 2013, 08:35:36 PM »
Heronbird - you are a great mom/grandma. I too could not think with my gd of her being in foster care. When gs came along 2 years later, with diff. dad -- another story. He will be 6 in Oct. and has been with his new family since 5 mos - they were a 'foster/adopt' couple already approved to adopt. There is only a year to resolve to a permanent home for kids under age 5 in our state.
Other thing you bring up is how a BPD mom expects the baby to be OK with following THEIR routine and needs -- instead of what is the infant's needs. Like my DD wanting her baby to be awake into the night and sleep during the day. Like DD lives on an impulse - spotaneous, and thinking routines are not needed for her child. DD needed a lot of parent education, that she was not open to receiving.
Sounds like your DD would be very open to learning about child development/needs - do you think? This is so important.
Thanks for keeping us up to date. Hope things settle for a bit for your family.
qcr
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pessim-optimist
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Re: If you have BPD can you bring baby up?
«
Reply #9 on:
July 18, 2013, 09:52:35 PM »
Funny, heronbird, a challenge for the social services - I thought that they specialize in cases like this, haha.
Maybe it's a good thing they are overwhelmed - you are already approved, so the path of least resistance would work out for your gs.
Thank you for your update. It looks like your dd IS in fact sensible (as much as her condition will allow her); it might work out very well. I thought her idea of limiting her son to four 'primary caretakers' is a good idea - not to confuse him by too many different people.
Also the fact that she gave him to you BEFORE her meltdown is a very good sign!
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heronbird
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Re: If you have BPD can you bring baby up?
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Reply #10 on:
July 20, 2013, 11:56:58 AM »
Yes pessim, thats true, but I dont know if social services can always trust her to tell us before she gets bad.
Yes BP is a challenge for everyone isnt it, I bet the social worker is regretting taking this case on now haha.
qcarolr,
are you saying you took one but the second one went into care, uh I dont want her to get pregnant again oh no. we couldnt have any more, I dont want them to get adopted so sad they go into foster care first for ages its so sad isnt it. I have a problem with parents being separated from mum. Having said that I never banked on dd not wanting him, strange to see.
Im not sure if dd will work well with child development classes, she is supposed to be going into a mother and baby unit, so she will get better but then what. BP strikes at anytime doesnt it.
Day at a time eh
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qcarolr
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Re: If you have BPD can you bring baby up?
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Reply #11 on:
July 20, 2013, 12:37:49 PM »
Heronbird
yes, gd had always lived in our home. We fell in love with her from birth. we did not allow ourselves to get this involved with gs from before even his conception. knew DD was taking lots of risks with getting pregnant. And this was with diff. daddy, that she married. But was bad situation - lots of beer and cocaine in apartment and neglect of home and baby. DD was trying, at least in her mind. So when DD called for us to get baby as she was going to kill herself, we call 911 and they got social svcs involved. DD blamed us - would not allow us any contact in foster care situation.
Turned out well as gs was immediately placed in home already approved for adoption. Focus on continuity of care with babies here. DD and her dh had only a year to get it together before their right terminated.
So hard so hard. You gs is so very lucky to have you, as is your D. Good luck with the SIL.
qcr
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js friend
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Re: If you have BPD can you bring baby up?
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Reply #12 on:
July 20, 2013, 06:04:43 PM »
I have to say Heron, my dd18 is bringing up gd beautifully.
After dd had gd my main concern was that she would feel overwhelmed and end up with postnatal depression. She says she has had a few down days and has called me a few times to have gd but nothing really major... . which has been a relief.
The thing I noticed even before dd pregnancy is that dd's trigger always seems to be difficulty in her interpersonal relationships, and In particular her r/s with b/f. She seems to be able to handle most things, but any difficulties in the r/s with b/f and the whole world falls apart.
I really dont know if she even links the two.
Another thing is I dont even think my dd is aware how quickly she can get to a crisis level. I have seen this happen within minutes.Literally my dd can seem fine and laughing with friends, and the next she can bawling her eyes out.
IDK Heron it maybe not be that your dd cant be trusted to tell you when she reaches a crisis point, it may really be that the speed of your dd's emotions happen so quickly that she really isnt able to prewarn anyone... .
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