I find it difficult to see my daughter

[dancinginthelight]

Hello, sorry Ive not posted on these boards for a good while.  I have been in the grip

of depression for months.  Alot has been happening with my family.

My daughter who is 18 now was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago. Life was hell, for

her and the rest of the family.  We did not receive any help from the professionals and

just had to make the best of it.  My d was very abusive in the home, suicide attempts,

social services threatening to remove my son, who is 16 now.

My d moved out over a year ago into sheltered accommodation for vunerable young women.

She has since got a flat which she shares with another girl, same age.

I really dont know what is the matter with me.  I find it so hard to want to spend anytime with

my d, I feel guilty.  Even though things have calmed down, for now, I get anxious when I have

to see her, mainly she comes here, stays the night, then is nasty to me the next day and I lose

all confidence in myself and become the scared, worried mother again.

My d still scares me.  Our r/s is very very strained, practically non existant.

I am depressed and my personal life is shattered.

Does anyone know how to rebuild r/s with a d 18?  I am ashamed of the way I feel towards her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heronbird]

Hi  Glad you are back.

Please please dont feel guilty, you shouldnt feel guilty, what you are feeling is normal, it may be your way of coping/protecting yourself I dont know but you have been through loads you should be collecting your medal not feeling guilty.

Have you read Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr, that helped me a hell of a lot.

I think you get to a point where youve tried so much, you have ran out of trying, so you cant find it easy to spend time with her.

I do think you need to say she cant stay over if she is going to speak to you like that. I usually wait till she is calm before confronting. I cant let anyone speak to me like that. Ive done nothing except for love my dd. She is not allowed to talk to me like that. I would back off if she did. She has too.

When i feel like you, I escape and concentrate on my other family members, how lovely they are, The world does not revolve round my dd does it. I have a lovely son, a nearly lovely son and a wonderful daughter, dont forget dh and my wonderful kittens.

Hows your son?

[dancinginthelight]

Hello heronbird, thanks for your reply

I might get that book, ive already read "walking on eggshells" last year, did help

a little but at the time i was too devastated to take much in.

My young son is now 16, everything took its toll on him and I had to watch him

very carefully as he became very stressed and unhappy and felt suicidile himself.

He doesnt tolerate his sister well.  Im trying to encourage him to go to college this

year.  He doesnt have friends and leads a lonely life.  Hope that will change later on.

I do not push him. 

My oldest son whos 28 is back home and still has not got a job.

Life has been very difficult for a while. 

[Reality]

dancinginthedark,

It IS very difficult dealing with a pwBPD.  I think the effects on the family are profound and far-reaching. 

Many people have found Valerie Porr's book, Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder, very helpful.  I also like Shari Manning's book on BPD.  Very insightful. 

Thank you for your honest comments.  Many parents share those aversive feelings with you.

What links have you followed on the bpdfamily board?  Hopefully, someone will give you the most helpful ones here. 

Take care of yourself.  Treat yourself to a long bath, a good book and a lovely long walk.  Make sure you eat lots of good food every day.

You are not alone.  We all understand.

Reality

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, dancinginthedark... . I'm so sorry for all you have gone through! I do understand the fears, frustrations, confusions involving a BPD child. I came here because of my dBPD son who is 36; he has put our family through the wringer over the last 17 years (!), and only found out his diagnosis of BPD this April 2013, when he ended up in a Dual Diagnosis Program for 21 days. When we picked him up (he lives with us) the DD Center gave us this website's address in the discharge paperwork. Here I learned how to understand the way his brain works, and learning the communication tools on this site has saved his recovery and my family's safety and sanity.

Here are some of the links that got us here~~where we finally see the light at the end of the tunnel:

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

The basic principles behind Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

Family Guidelines

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

TOOLS: Stop Invalidating Your Partner (or the BPD person in your life)

I hope I haven't overwhelmed you with the links, but I have found that once I realized that my son couldn't help being the way he was, and that his skewed BPD perception of reality controlled his behaviors, and stopped taking his words and actions personally, it became easier for me to learn how to communicate with him better. And once I did that, I stopped pushing all his buttons and he started reacting to me differently, enabling a loving relationship to blossom. I learned that I had to first change the way I saw him, to feel compassion instead of anger or fear. And, like a miracle, once I changed myself, he changed too! I do know how hard it is to get out of the feelings of the past, to get beyond the PTSD and fear and anger... . But, if I stayed stuck in that mindset, nothing else would've changed. Believe me, things can get better~~it's happened in my own--and my son's--life!   

[jellibeans]

dancing

Please don't be so hard on yourself... . we all do our best with what we have and living with a person with BPD is draining and can really take it's toll on the family as a whole.

I think first and foremost you need to look after yourself. Have you thought about seeing a therapist to help you thru this depression. Maybe help rebuild your relationship with your dd? I can understand you causation in spending time with your dd but I do think reading the book by Valerie Porr would help you. I have read many but this one really is the book to read. I know you probably don't have the nervy but please try. I think you have gotten a lot of good advise and I do think it is possible to mend your r/s with your dd.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello dancinginthedark,

Thank you for sharing your situation so honestly with us.   

Others have posted very good advice here. I would add to it: take it one step at a time... .

It is obvious from your post that you care about your dd, in spite of your very understandable feelings (we instinctively try to protect ourselves from unsafe and unpleasant experiences, and end up fearing/dreading them if they seem to be inevitable)... .

If I were in yous shoes, I would take a step back, and try to take care of myself first, heal, build some skills and then slowly try to repair the r/s... . (if it's not possible to separate those steps, I would prioritize while protecting myself and my family environment first)

You have been through the wringer, go easy on yourself... .