Problem with dh

[mggt]

Hi all. having problem with dh husband for a long time concerning our dd.  She came to our house tonite now mind you we have her d our gd four days a week.  She came here swearing nasty mean to me her mom and all I wanted was for my husband to ask her to leave gently.  But no , somehow it is always my fault he will let her belittle.  I just need someone to be on myside just to ask her to leave not verbally attack his wife is that too much to ask for.  It has been this way ever since my d was little four years old and younger I was and still am the bad guy.  Guess what I need validation too.  Does anyone else have this problem

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Being Mindful]

I'm so sorry mggt. That is hard. I think at some time we all want someone to protect us, to defend us, to come to our rescue. With 3 people that is really hard and I'm sure you want your dh to step up. It's hard on all accounts. I can only guess that your dh is also struggling to find some balance between you and your d. Perhaps he is acting on a fear he has or anxiety about what happens if he defends you/protects you. We all want our dh's to be that role, but with BPD, I think all that goes out the window since we each are impacted differently by the illness... . emotional hostage is just one thing that comes to mind.

I hope you are okay hearing this at this difficult time... . the most effective way to stop your d's behavior is for you to enforce your value based boundaries. That is for you decide where your limit is. For me, I refuse to be verbally abused by my d. She has learned over time that she cannot do this. Every single time, I enforce my boundaries. I can't remember the last time she has abused me.

How are you doing on your boundaries. Can we help in someway to help you identify them and enforce them with your d.?

Take care mggt!

[vivekananda]

Hi mggt,

I can still feel angry myself with how my dh was in the past... . but he did change. It always seemed too late for me though - ever impatient I was. You are not alone in your situation. Nevertheless, Being Mindful has it in a nutshell. The answer is values based boundaries.

Here's is what your dh is probably seeing, thinking etc.

"I am scared that dd will not like me. I am fearful that dd will go away and not return. I feel guilty that dd is like this." etc etc.

Then there is this:

"dd is angry and has raised her voice. Dear wife is angry and has raised her voice. dd has a mental illness, dw doesn't, she should behave better!"

The solution is for you and your dh, when the dust has settled, to sit down and figure the most important values you have. I would expect respect to be one of them... . So if respect is important to you, then treating people with respect would be important to you, and being treated with respect would also. So, you can say that in my house I expect to be treated with respect. If someone treats me with disrespect, then they can leave the room until they can treat me with respect... . and so forth. BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence There is a book that is very highly recommended also: "Boundaries - when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life" by H. Cloud and J. Townsend.

Now, the trap for me in thinking about values was I might say typical of me. When I figured out my values, I thought about how other people should behave towards me and everyone else... . silly me. Values are about how I behave towards others. I hope to save you a bit of angst by throwing that one in.   The values exercise isn't easy and requires a lot of thought if you haven't considered it earlier... .

My own values are: acceptance, respect and co-operation. There are heaps of different sorts of values. What is important to you mggt?

Cheers,

Vivek      

[qcarolr]

mggt - my dh often appeared to side with dd when she was on the attack toward me. Even though I know it is how she externalizes her emotional pain, I have learned that I do not have to cooperate and just 'take it'. Things are better now, with dh being the one to engage in getting dd out of our house - even calling the police.

My dd refuses to leave -- so I have to leave. If gd is with me (and we have custody of her) I take her with me. Go for a walk, drive away, go to a neighbors if DD is following me out the door. In my car I park, get out, and walk around the block. I have gotten a security officer to have her get out of the car, then drive away. Now I can say - be out of car when I get back or I will contact someone to get you out. She gets out as I come back into view.

I have not always been able to do this - just taken the abuse or given into whatever dd is asking for. Usually rage is triggered by 'NO' to request.

Dh and I have been able to talk about how invalidating his reactions and lack of support feel TO ME. His response is that he is protecting me by trying to lessen the reactions of dd. He did not realize how badly I felt - that I took this as against ME. We are working better as a team recently. It is still hard.

Sorry this got so long. Are you able to walk out on your own? Taking care of your own values? Can you let dh know what your 'safety plan' is at a calm moment? Can he hear you if you share how this feels invalidating to you - when it seems like he is siding with dd against you?

We owe it to ouselves to find ways to be validating to ourselves. Depending on others to meet this need can be invalidating of itself.

Hard stuff. The boundaries workshop Vivek  linked for you is a good one. I go to read it often.

qcr  

[mggt]

Hi all,  Thank you for your words of wisdom this has been a constant battle with dh and I for  years I have spoken to him about this at least 2,000 times and I am not exagerating .  For some reason he just does not get it.  All I want is support not to yell at her just gently tell her to leave when she is bullying me to no end .  I think sometimes I am the crazy one , then I get so upset sick literally and get over it.  Then next time same outcome .  So maybe it is him not me but I feel like I am fighting two wars one with bp and one with him, and should not be this way actually none of it should be this way so what to do put up or shut up (one of my favorite sayings )   

[vivekananda]

Hi mggt,

... . For some reason he just does not get it.

When I have been a part of other conversations with mums here about this topic, it seemed that many of us faced the same thing. You do not face this alone... . but instead of tearing my hair out and feel like I am going crazy, I have found ways to improve our communication. Mind you, this hasn't been easy and it is not a given that dh and I are in accord in this BPD thing and other stuff. The stress of the situation shows up cracks in the relationship that wouldn't otherwise appear.

We need our dh's and our dd's do too. We have to use the same sorts of tools for our dh's as we do for our dd's. And we have to learn how to meet our own emotional needs... . when things go awry, it is often because we are expecting the other person to help us feel better, when we have to be strong within ourselves and allow ourselves to feel better.

It's all sort of like turning around how we think and seeing better how things are from a different perspective.

Know however, you are not alone in this. Not by a long shot.

Cheers,

Vivek    

[Being Mindful]

Hi all,  Thank you for your words of wisdom this has been a constant battle with dh and I for  years I have spoken to him about this at least 2,000 times and I am not exagerating .  For some reason he just does not get it.  All I want is support not to yell at her just gently tell her to leave when she is bullying me to no end .  I think sometimes I am the crazy one , then I get so upset sick literally and get over it.  Then next time same outcome .  So maybe it is him not me but I feel like I am fighting two wars one with bp and one with him, and should not be this way actually none of it should be this way so what to do put up or shut up (one of my favorite sayings )   

I promise you mggt that if you understand and enforce your boundaries with dd and dh you can solve this.

[pessim-optimist]

... . the most effective way to stop your d's behavior is for you to enforce your value based boundaries. That is for you decide where your limit is. For me, I refuse to be verbally abused by my d. She has learned over time that she cannot do this. Every single time, I enforce my boundaries. I can't remember the last time she has abused me.

I read about this all the time. I believe that is the key to protecting ourselves... .

Being Mindful, would you mind sharing a few examples of how you have handled your conversations with your d?

(What you have said/done to enforce your boundary, and what your d's reaction was)

I have read examples of such in the books on BPD, and I think that to hear some of the real-life examples might give us more ideas on how to handle our own situations... .

[Being Mindful]

... . the most effective way to stop your d's behavior is for you to enforce your value based boundaries. That is for you decide where your limit is. For me, I refuse to be verbally abused by my d. She has learned over time that she cannot do this. Every single time, I enforce my boundaries. I can't remember the last time she has abused me.

I read about this all the time. I believe that is the key to protecting ourselves... .

Being Mindful, would you mind sharing a few examples of how you have handled your conversations with your d?

(What you have said/done to enforce your boundary, and what your d's reaction was)

I have read examples of such in the books on BPD, and I think that to hear some of the real-life examples might give us more ideas on how to handle our own situations... .

I just got home after being out of town for a few days. I will be happy to provide some examples. I'll try to come back online tomorrow.