I think I want my life back

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi,

Well its 3 weeks since Ive started having the baby, I have definitely fallen for him, we all have, I mean, you cant help it can you.

Today dd came with her dh to pick him up, she just came out of hospital and seemed to be on a high to go home.

Thing is, Im tired Ive had the baby since 6am its now 7pm, and all they can say to me is that I have not filled the bottles up enough, by about one millilitre or something stupid. How about a thank you, and how thoughtful was it of me to actually put water in the bottles so its all ready for when they go home in case they have none in the kettle.

Am I being over sensitive, I dont know, I cant seem to help it. I always fall for it, get upset, take it personally. Why dont I just say yeah yeah bye see you tomorrow.

Im definitely getting the gist its her dh who is moaning about me mostly. Im thinking he is one of those people who like power in some ways. He has kept on saying things like he has 100% of the say in everything including my dds life.

Any ideas what I should do, why does it upset me so much, I cant seem to take a step back and see it for what it is.

I know you may think I need to have it out with them, but I have already. He told dd I didnt wind baby properly and lots of other stupid things.

Oh, this is all such a nightmare, not quite sure how I got into this really.

Tonight my older son wanted me to go shopping to help him chose some clothes and I couldnt go because I had the baby. I hardly get to see my kittens or have time for them. Tomorrow, the suggestion is, I have baby and when dd wakes up she comes and stays at my house, she will criticise everything I do, that wont work will it. Oh no.

Phew!  

[heronbird]

Hi,

Well its 3 weeks since Ive started having the baby, I have definitely fallen for him, we all have, I mean, you cant help it can you.

Today dd came with her dh to pick him up, she just came out of hospital and seemed to be on a high to go home.

Thing is, Im tired Ive had the baby since 6am its now 7pm, and all they can say to me is that I have not filled the bottles up enough, by about one millilitre or something stupid. How about a thank you, and how thoughtful was it of me to actually put water in the bottles so its all ready for when they go home in case they have none in the kettle.

Am I being over sensitive, I dont know, I cant seem to help it. I always fall for it, get upset, take it personally. Why dont I just say yeah yeah bye see you tomorrow.

Im definitely getting the gist its her dh who is moaning about me mostly. Im thinking he is one of those people who like power in some ways. He has kept on saying things like he has 100% of the say in everything including my dds life.

Any ideas what I should do, why does it upset me so much, I cant seem to take a step back and see it for what it is.

I know you may think I need to have it out with them, but I have already. He told dd I didnt wind baby properly and lots of other stupid things.

Oh, this is all such a nightmare, not quite sure how I got into this really.

Tonight my older son wanted me to go shopping to help him chose some clothes and I couldnt go because I had the baby. I hardly get to see my kittens or have time for them. Tomorrow, the suggestion is, I have baby and when dd wakes up she comes and stays at my house, she will criticise everything I do, that wont work will it. Oh no.

Phew!  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Reality]

Hi heronbird,

You were the one who taught me about the Tara tiara, how difficult it is for a pwBPD to juggle all the complexities.  She is dysregulated and isn't making any sense.  Plus she is juggling hormones, new baby, BPD... . oh my!

Not easy... .

I understand why you want your life back.  Phew!

Reality

[mggt]

Dear heroin,  I know exactly how u feel I have my gd four days a week overnights and my d does not appreciate it and never will.  She came here last night and we argued because I dared to ask a simple question well long story short she told me to f off .  We take care of our grandchildren because we want to help our children especially with bp involved .  My d sees me as an evil person and has for a long time and probably always will .  I take care of my gd because I cant trust that she will find good day care because with bps always about them selves.  So on that note you are doing the right thing nana and give him a big kiss from me   

[pessim-optimist]

Hi heronbird,   

you just HAVE taken a step back in your post. 

No wonder you get upset - you are sacrificing your life at the moment to take care of the baby and all you get is criticism, instead of appreciation... .

It is all new with the baby and all - I am sure you will learn to say 'ok, sweetie, see you tomorrow!' 

I think you also get upset because your dd's dh is supposed to be 'normal' i.e. appreciative, compassionate, reasonable, etc., etc.

This, too, shall pass, heronbird.   In the meantime, give the baby lots of kisses, and enjoy him.   

[qcarolr]

Heronbird - you are sleep deprived - makes it so hard to be on solid ground - everything seems way too personal and I am so emotional when I am exhausted. Then add the stresses of your SIL actions that feel 'against' you, and the stresses of you DD being released instead of going to the mom&baby unit.

It does hurt to be giving so much of yourself and getting nothing back from either your D or SIL. Is there a way you can go to your D's tomorrow instead of her coming to your house? This would allow you to engage some boundaries for self-care. In my case, I do not mention the 'self-care' aspect to my DD, just do it. Maybe this would also let you engage some with the baby, and some with helping your D in other ways.

It is very very hard when my DD is living in our home while dh and I have custody with all the parental responsibilities. Even though she knows she cannot be with gd (and is calling asking when we will return after 2-4 hours typically), she picks at us with how we do everything. And when she is in a rage, she screams at us about 'stealing her child'. This is a big trigger for her.

This leads me to agree with mggt - we loving grandma's do what we can to give love and stability to our gkids. to try our best to build resilience in these precious little ones with such chaos in their lives. And there are so many stories about how this works from my brief visit to the 'relatives' board. So take care - get some rest - step back from the mental health path for you D and the judgmental comments form both D and SIL. How can you find some balance?

Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr

[js friend]

Hi,



Thing is, Im tired Ive had the baby since 6am its now 7pm,

I think youve answered your own question here Heron. you are tired,and feeling emotional. The last few weeks would put anyone on edge. you are probably worried too about losing the close relationship you had with your dd.

My dd's b/f is  a know- it- all too... . very controlling, immature and lacks a lot of boundries himself. b/f is very two faced towards me too.things he has later admitted to saying to dd  regarding the care of gd which hurt a lot at the time.  Lots of jealously there and put dd downs. Guilt tripping dd for spending time here with gd when she was a nornborn., Now i try not to take it personally. He is a lot like dd in a way and doesnt have maturity and words to express himself other than attacking

It sounds like you really need to get some work/fun balance back into your  life Heron. How about stating  what days you could have gs. I dont think it is unreasonable to do this. That way everyone knows where they are,. The first time I told my dd I couldnt have gd I did feel guilty for it and part of me thought that she wouldnt bring gd around ever again.  

I think only we parents here would understand me saying that.

I think that was the FOG creeping in again... . but dd has been ok with it, and ive had to remind myself that it is ok to say no . Sometimes dd has been disappointed but she knows I love having gd  so im not just refusing to have her for the sake of it.

Or as qcarolr has suggested you could offer to go around to your dd's and ask what help she needs, not actually with the intention to look after the baby. That way it prepares everyone, and it is good to have a routine of maybe a few times a week. You cant always be expected to drop everything all the time.Sometimes dd and b/f have to learn to work things out between them, including how to look after gd.

My dd loves when i come over.She appreciates the time and effort it takes to get there. Often b/f isnt there but if he is I just keep it friendly. im not there to spy or interfere, Iam there to help dd and see gd not him. Short and snappy visits usually work the best and I keep busy  cleaning the kitchen, cooking a meal or giving gd a bath. Time usually flies and it goes well and everyone is happy.

So far i havent felt on any of my vistis that have been there long enoough to get on under her feet or get on her nerves.

[griz]

Heronbird:  You must be exhausted and really need to take sometime for yourself.  It must be so hard and I can only imagine how in love you must be with your darling little grandson.  Is it possible that  your DD's dh is just to proud to seem weak or in need of help.  Could he be feeling like it is his responsibilty to be strong and have everything under control.  Maybe the same for your DD.  I know that one of the hardest things for my DD to to is admit she is struggling with something.  When she is she becomes dysregulated and unpleasant and things don't usually get calmer until she is ready to accept help.

I think J's friend has a great suggestion.  Could you put some boundaries in place as to the days and amount of time you can care for the baby and then the hard part as always is keeping those boundaries in place.  Maybe this could give you the time you need to take care of yourself and make your DD and her dh more responsible for figuring things out.

Try to get some rest and some self care.

Griz

[heronbird]

Thank you, Boundaries, hmmmm  hard one. Yes I can say no but if I think about gs in the day I think I wonder what the poor thing is going through. Dd seems to just want her single life back, thats common I think with BP. Sil is trying to please her but he is not too happy.

Im ok now anyway till the next time, yes I am sleep deprived havent even had time to put make up on really haha, dh is good and around quite a bit for help.

Im definitely piggy in middle.

dd was discharged from hospital I think its too early but they think she is ok. I made a mistake and let her take the baby out on her own. Social services went mad they threatened me with putting him in care, they said that Im obviously not capable of doing it if I cant say no to dd. Stupid eh, I make one mistake, I dont remember signing something, they got me to do that when my dd just had a go at me in a meeting and I dont remember, anyway there was just confusion. SIL told dd to take baby home so I thought it was ok.

Anyone else want to blame me for anything haha

I do love having him and I will give him a kiss from all of you because he loves kisses   

mggt

how did you come to that arrangement, you have them 4 days a week. At the moment, its early days for me. How do you cope with your dd being like that, I suppose you have to step out of situation and not take it personally. I am learning, its all new really. Actually its sil not dd I think. Dd tells sil that if it wasnt for me baby would be in care, he should appreciate me more. I am more prepared now I think especially with all your support, it really helps.

Is it strange that she leaves him with me and does not ask after him at all, I guess she is just really bad right now. One min she loves him the next shes detached.

Reality, thanks for the Tare tiara, I was so upset, I couldnt remember, but its different cos sil is being like that too. He cant have a Tara tiara can he haha, he isnt bp I think anyway.

BP is much better than BPD I am changing it to that now haha

Pessim, yes I am going to say what you said next time they moan, I need to do that, but at the begging I felt blackmailed, if they dont like me they may get someone else and I think family is best.

qcarolr I dont work well with dd, I would go there but I also work so I cant, she came here I found it difficult and she seemed bored.

Jsfriend, yes good point, I will have to say no at some point anyway, but the deal at the moment is I have baby 7 to 7 mon to fri at the moment. She asked me to have him today as extra (Sat) I said yes thinking it would be from 1pm, she was ringing us at 9am to have him. I asked sil if dd was ok, he said yes so Im not sure why. She hasnt texted me all day.

Griz, yes I do need sleep, even though I didnt have baby over night, I seem to still wake at 4.30am, then find it hard to go back to sleep.

Then kitten gets in bed with me aahhhhhhh so sweet I cant kick her out  

I definitely need me time, we have a holiday soon and went out for a lovely meal yesterday.

We are all dysregulated I guess

Thank you all for your support  

 

[pessim-optimist]

Reality, thanks for the Tare tiara, I was so upset, I couldnt remember, but its different cos sil is being like that too. He cant have a Tara tiara can he haha, he isnt bp I think anyway.

Funny you say that. No, we don't GET TO wear the tiara.   

However, if you don't mind me sharing: after I read some of the books how the BP brain works and information gets all scrambled due to high emotions and them juggling many things at once, I had an interesting experience one day.

I was stressed a bit by a problem I needed to solve, that put time-pressure on me as well. My emotions were roused a bit too. As I was working on my computer, my husband wanted to read me something real quick, so I looked up, and as he was reading, I realized, I was hearing words, but could not make much sense of the sentence. So I asked him to slow down and read it again. I have never noticed this before, but then I thought - this must be what pwBPD are experiencing often!

SO, my point (two points) - it made me more compassionate toward my sd, and also, I realize that although we are not BPs, we CAN under extreme circumstances experience similar moments of chaos or dysregulation (we are just very fortunate, that being nonBP, we can realize what's happening, and usually can step back, calm down and move on... . )

So, hang in there, heronbird, and when you can, cut your SIL some slack - hopefully with time and some of your coaching, he will become less overwhelmed. He must feel so much responsibility resting on his shoulders - after all, he had no idea that primary child-care was going to be so much more his job then other newbie dadys (and even those get nervous here and there, don't they?) 

[heronbird]

Pessim,

Thanks, yes that is interesting, I know what you mean. There is nothing I can do, just day at a time. Im ok now.

I love having the baby so much, he is so lovely. I feel privileged that she has trusted me with him. Of course, its ideal if they have him back properly but huh day at a time.

[pessim-optimist]

   baby steps!

Keep those kisses coming to him!   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders