Just when things have gotten so much better, now this

[Parents! Get help here!]

DD will be 14 next week.  Over the past few weeks she has changed her mind and is going back into band for HS, wants to continue softball, is wearing traditional colors rather than black, growing her dyed black hair back to its original dark blonde, hanging with very respectable friends who are good role models, participating in a big way in her youth group, treating us more like her parents (we have already heard the "you're not my real parents twice" and the great list goes on.  She has had no contact with her nice, but highly dysfunctional 20 y/o bio sister who dropped out of HS, smokes, has a history of drug and alcohol abuse (no more as far as we know) and is engaged to a young man who emotionally abuses her, for about 6 months. We have tried to maintain contact, but keep it to a minimum under the circumstances.  Well, this morning she comes out and tells me that we have to pick up M on Saturday night because she no longer has a car and DD wants her here for her birthday party on Sunday afternoon!  She evidently was texting her for quite awhile last night.  Of course we can't deny her contact as she will only resent us, but I am just beside myself, going from angry to teary and back again!  I am so afraid she is going to lapse back into her former behavior, much of what originally started because she is trying to identify with bio sis, her only known bio relative!  Why oh why, oh why, oh why?  I wish there were something we could to prevent this visit!  Thanks for listening  :'(!

[BioAdoptMom3]

DD will be 14 next week.  Over the past few weeks she has changed her mind and is going back into band for HS, wants to continue softball, is wearing traditional colors rather than black, growing her dyed black hair back to its original dark blonde, hanging with very respectable friends who are good role models, participating in a big way in her youth group, treating us more like her parents (we have already heard the "you're not my real parents twice" and the great list goes on.  She has had no contact with her nice, but highly dysfunctional 20 y/o bio sister who dropped out of HS, smokes, has a history of drug and alcohol abuse (no more as far as we know) and is engaged to a young man who emotionally abuses her, for about 6 months. We have tried to maintain contact, but keep it to a minimum under the circumstances.  Well, this morning she comes out and tells me that we have to pick up M on Saturday night because she no longer has a car and DD wants her here for her birthday party on Sunday afternoon!  She evidently was texting her for quite awhile last night.  Of course we can't deny her contact as she will only resent us, but I am just beside myself, going from angry to teary and back again!  I am so afraid she is going to lapse back into her former behavior, much of what originally started because she is trying to identify with bio sis, her only known bio relative!  Why oh why, oh why, oh why?  I wish there were something we could to prevent this visit!  Thanks for listening  :'(!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

BioAdoptMom

It is so good to hear about all the good choices your dd is making. That is very exciting and a really positive direction. Her birthday is a big deal and she wants her sister there and even though that is a somewhat frightening idea I think it is very important to your dd. There must be a way to include her and it not be so stressful. Try to set some boundaries and know when she is coming and when she is going to leave etc... . this will mean so much to your dd. Try not to stress over the visit.

Can I ask you what is your fears about her visit?

[BioAdoptMom3]

Thanks for your encouragement jellibeans   !  M is DD's only known bio relative and she is not a good influence.  DD understandably tries very hard to emulate her - dyed her hair black, started dressing emo style and called herself one, lies to people and tells them she was raped by her first foster parents (we were her only foster parents - got her right from the NICU) because sister was raped in 2 pre-adoptive homes.  DD just wants so much to be like her sister and I think the lack of recent contact, IN PART, has something to do with DD's good choices!  I am so afraid of a lapse back into the negative behavior!  When it comes right down to it, I can understand why DD wants to be just like her sister. DD opened up to counselor for the first time 2 weeks ago telling her that she has never understood why bio mom fought for her other 3 children, but just left her in the hospital and didn't try to get her back.  In her mind sister must have been doing something right because the mother wanted her, but didn't want DD!  Makes sense, but I worry!

[qcarolr]

If you are picking up M, can you set a boundary about when you plan to take her back? No overnight stay? Limit the visit in this way while supporting your D wanting to share this special day with her Sis? Avoiding comments about her good choices now and bad choices in the past? Keeping it light?   What other friends will be at the party? Maybe they will help keep your D focused on her new perspective for success.

Could your DD being in the NICU have something to do with the biomom feeling overwhelmed with another baby? What are the relative ages of the 3 siblings? What happened to the rest of the bio family, if I may ask? My DD27 has a similar story - two older siblings that were kept by biomom (dad was not with her at time of the birth). Biomom was too overwhelmed with limits on being able to care for her other two kids as a single mom - the sister was 10 months old when the history was filled out by biomom. DD was also picked up at hospital by foster family. She came to us at 3 weeks. DD talks very little about her adoption issues. Does not have the ressources to search for bio family, she wants to 'get a life' before she makes contact.  Just some thoughts.

I will be thinking and praying for you to keep supporting your D's growth. You did this when she was identifying with bio Sis before, and she worked through it tothe more positive lifestyle she is identified with right now.

qcr  

[jellibeans]

Bio

I see that in my dd... . she takes over the traits of the people she is with... . not having an identity of her own... . I think this is common with BPD... . the mirroring.

Lets say you see some changes in dd after her sister visits... . can you approach it with her in a way that will make her see that she behaves differently when with her? Maybe by asking her questions? like... . Oh I see you have gone back to wearing black again since your sister was here... . what do you think her visit has had that kind of impact on you? Do you think pointing it out to her would be good? She is probably not aware at all.

I also wanted to say is to try not to anticipate trouble ... . the visit might go well and your dd might really appreciate the effort you made on her bday. keep us posted... . I am hoping for the best... .  

[pessim-optimist]

DD opened up to counselor for the first time 2 weeks ago telling her that she has never understood why bio mom fought for her other 3 children, but just left her in the hospital and didn't try to get her back.  In her mind sister must have been doing something right because the mother wanted her, but didn't want DD!  Makes sense, but I worry!

Bio, it makes total sense. It is exactly what the adoptees said in the "Primal Wound" book... . It is the hurt of now knowing why they were not 'wanted', and that they feel somehow flawed for not being good enough to be wanted. And that being wanted by their adoptive parents does not trump being NOT wanted by their bio-mom. (And that applies even to adult kids, who intellectually know that they had not caused their 'rejection'.   

[qcarolr]

DD opened up to counselor for the first time 2 weeks ago telling her that she has never understood why bio mom fought for her other 3 children, but just left her in the hospital and didn't try to get her back.  In her mind sister must have been doing something right because the mother wanted her, but didn't want DD!  Makes sense, but I worry!

Bio, it makes total sense. It is exactly what the adoptees said in the "Primal Wound" book... . It is the hurt of now knowing why they were not 'wanted', and that they feel somehow flawed for not being good enough to be wanted. And that being wanted by their adoptive parents does not trump being NOT wanted by their bio-mom. (And that applies even to adult kids, who intellectually know that they had not caused their 'rejection'.   

Question: some people that are adopted have a 'normal' life. Are they more resilient - temperament/genetics playing a bigger role here than purely a nurturing environment? Would those struggling with both the rejection of adoption from infancy plus the processes that lead to BPD have developed the mental health issues even in their FOO?

It is so easy as an adoptive mom to search for the ways I could have parented in a different way to lessen the impacts on my D. Yes, I could have been a better mom - more validating in my ways. Yet, I am powerless with the many other enviroments that my D experienced in school and community with other adults and peers as she grew up. Does it help me now in my r/s with her to keep pondering the past? Does it help me in raising my gd8 to keep pondering my parenting of D?

So many quesitons with no easy answers.

qcr  

[pessim-optimist]

Question: some people that are adopted have a 'normal' life. Are they more resilient - temperament/genetics playing a bigger role here than purely a nurturing environment? Would those struggling with both the rejection of adoption from infancy plus the processes that lead to BPD have developed the mental health issues even in their FOO?

From what I understand from the book, some adopted children are more resilient and have a 'normal' life, yet they still struggle with the rejection/abandonment issue (only more effectively).

Now, IMHO, it is hard to speculate what would have happened with the less resilient children if they stayed in their FOO. On one hand, they would not have to struggle w/ the abandonment issue by their bio-mom = one less factor that contributes to BPD. Maybe, they would not have developed BPD. On the other hand, there very possibly could be other environmental factors in the FOO that are invalidating and contribute to BPD, hence, the child well may have developed BPD anyway.

It is so easy as an adoptive mom to search for the ways I could have parented in a different way to lessen the impacts on my D. Yes, I could have been a better mom - more validating in my ways. Yet, I am powerless with the many other enviroments that my D experienced in school and community with other adults and peers as she grew up. Does it help me now in my r/s with her to keep pondering the past? Does it help me in raising my gd8 to keep pondering my parenting of D?

So many quesitons with no easy answers.

That is another topic that the "Primal Wound" touches upon  - truing to figure out what could have been done differently, the feeling of helplessness and feeling like a failure of the adoptive parents when their adoptive children struggle with their abandonment/trust/anger issues. In my opinion it is a very validating book both for the adopted child and for the adoptive mother/parents. There usually are more problems toward the adoptive mother, because of the wound caused by separation from the bio-mom; somehow that puts fathers in an easier situation.

Because you don't have a genetic connection with your dd, and because you did not go through the in-utero bonding experience with your dd, you are at a disadvantage as an adoptive parent in terms of genetic traits and intuitive understanding between you and your dd. That is nobody's fault. The adoptive children in this book (even the healthy ones) describe how they felt like aliens in their adoptive family, misunderstood, and did not feel like they fit in. That must be very invalidating to a sensitive child at risk for BPD. Again - nobody's fault. You might find the book helpful in understanding your dd and partly maybe even gd... .

I think it is always helpful to ponder the past - if it leads to aha! moments that make us more effective and can improve the present and future. For the purposes of digging up guilt - in my opinion, no.

Did you have a chance to hear from your dd about her feelings regarding her adoption? Did you ever get a chance to validate her hurt over the rejection/separation from her bio-mom? I don't know if it's true, but the book suggests that children remember the events all the way back to their birth and the trauma of separation from bio-mom up to the AGE AROUND THREE; and that subsequently the memories fade and that they eventually forget, but the trauma and anger/hurt and resulting issues stay with them.

[BioAdoptMom3]

Those are excellent point pessim-optimist!  If I remember correctly from the book Nancy Verrier also made the point that the majority of adopted children respond in one of two ways.  They either constantly test us to see if we will continue to love them if they use drugs, smoke, can't maintain a relationship, have an eating disorder, cut their skin and the list goes on!  Or, they are overly compliant due to their fear of rejection and abandonment by their adoptive family, constantly afraid to make the wrong move at any given time.  I used to work with a 20 something adopted child who confirmed that she was that latter type and had begun counseling on her own when she was 19 because her adoptive parents didn't realize she needed any help!  She shared with me so many helpful things like how she loved her adoptive parents dearly but felt guilty letting it show because she was being disloyal to her birth family, that she too got along a lot better with men and as a child boys (better relationship with males because as PO said, the adoptive mom being a female puts them on the same level as the bio mom who abandoned/rejected them) and interestingly, that she felt she had no future because she didn't understand from where she came!  That last one was interesting to me.  I would have never thought of that possibility in a million years!  Thanks again everyone for your help, advice and comments!

[qcarolr]

I ordered the book. Will let you know how it impacts me. Wonder when it would be appropriate to give DD a copy? If she ends up in jail for awhile may order it sent to her - has to come directly from vendor to jail.

qcr  

[pessim-optimist]

Good to hear, qcr, after you read it, you will have a better idea of if/when the appropriate time would be to share it with your dd... .    

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

bio

how did her bday go?

[BioAdoptMom3]

Thank you so much for asking jellibeans! Actually things turned out a lot better than I thought they would with her sister here!  Turned out sister had to work till 9 PM so we picked her up late and took her home shortly after the party was over on Sunday evening.  I am going to update on DD in a few minutes because we are overwhelmed with her recent improvements!

Thanks again for asking about how things went for us  !

[jellibeans]