I don't think it's possible to NOT walk on eggshells

[Parents! Get help here!]

I am now receiving and sending texts to my DD28 after four months of very little contact.  I am VERY careful what I say and how I say it because I want to keep things very simple to hopefully avoid problems with her.  I have the sense that she is trying a new tact with me--being civil through text messages--with the hope that she can eventually get me to retract my concerns over her BPD behavior that I shared with her friend and agree with her that the friend is the devil and that I am the one with problems.  I could be wrong, and I know it does no good to speculate on what her motives are but I can't help but think that. 

I also sense that soon she will want to meet just as she met with her father about three weeks ago. That did not go well at all (crying, got very loud in the restaurant, said all the same things she has been saying all along about me, the friend, with zero acceptance of any responsibility for her behavior that her friend and I discussed), and I do not want a re-play of that when we meet for our first face-to-face contact in quite a while. 

I want to see her, but I dread it because I know everything I say or don't say will be scrutinized and reported back to the MANY people she has shared the details of this latest crisis.  In other words, I'll be walking on eggshells, just as I'm doing now with the texts. 

I've always walked on eggshells around her and feel that I will have to continue to do so--maybe even more than in the past--if I want peace with her.  Do any of you  feel like you are still doing this with your pwBPD even after all the reading and educating you've done on this illness, even after knowing you can't live that way? 

[Verbena]

I am now receiving and sending texts to my DD28 after four months of very little contact.  I am VERY careful what I say and how I say it because I want to keep things very simple to hopefully avoid problems with her.  I have the sense that she is trying a new tact with me--being civil through text messages--with the hope that she can eventually get me to retract my concerns over her BPD behavior that I shared with her friend and agree with her that the friend is the devil and that I am the one with problems.  I could be wrong, and I know it does no good to speculate on what her motives are but I can't help but think that. 

I also sense that soon she will want to meet just as she met with her father about three weeks ago. That did not go well at all (crying, got very loud in the restaurant, said all the same things she has been saying all along about me, the friend, with zero acceptance of any responsibility for her behavior that her friend and I discussed), and I do not want a re-play of that when we meet for our first face-to-face contact in quite a while. 

I want to see her, but I dread it because I know everything I say or don't say will be scrutinized and reported back to the MANY people she has shared the details of this latest crisis.  In other words, I'll be walking on eggshells, just as I'm doing now with the texts. 

I've always walked on eggshells around her and feel that I will have to continue to do so--maybe even more than in the past--if I want peace with her.  Do any of you  feel like you are still doing this with your pwBPD even after all the reading and educating you've done on this illness, even after knowing you can't live that way? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lovesjazz]

I agree. The level of a relationship I can have with our BPDs26 is very simple. We only talk by phone, and do most of the listening. We say very little.  Our son lies so much that you cant have a relationship with him on any other level. Its hard for me, but I have to accept that.

[Verbena]

lovesjazz,

I'm sad for you that your relationship with your son has to be that way.  I realize now that my relationship with my daughter will be similar even if I do begin seeing her again. My daughter, too, lies quite a bit. 

The texts I have received from her in the last week are primarily pictures of things she's cooking, making, or growing with comments about them. We share those similar interests, and if I wanted to, I could respond with similar pictures of projects I am working on. That's what I would have done in the past.   I don't now, though.  I just respond that whatever it is looks delicious or that it's pretty or that I like it. 

The truth is, my daughter has never really been interested in me unless there's something in it for her.  It has to be all about her when it comes right down to it.  Over the years when I have shared things with her about myself--she somehow manages to twist things and end up using it against me. 

[heronbird]

Hi, I should think it is different with a boy and a girl, as they are very different anyway. My son is not diagnosed BP but he is similar, he does not suffer with depression but so hard to talk to. Ive just got used to it over the years, I think he hates me but I know he loves me. Strange really.

Let me recommend a book that would help you if you havent already read it. overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr.

I used to be in your position then I read the book, it transformed my relationship with my dd. Its the best BPD book out there for me, I read 6 so far. I like this book because its written by someone who loves someone with BP. All the others are written by clinicians, they only know what they have learnt really.

I still have issues but they are much better, I try to validate dd but sometimes I am sensitive and its so hard.

Did you know about mind sets, logical mind, emotional mind and integrated mind, when we are upset we go into emotional mind, when we are dealing with crisis we go into logical mind, logical is not good on its own just as emotional is not. Integrated is the best mind to try to get into, so you are both emotional mind and logical at the same time.

Google it and see, that might help too. There is plenty of help here, so many wise people who have learnt lots by experience and now have become experts.

Hope it works out for you

[Verbena]

I need to get that book.  I've heard good things about it.   I see post after post here by people who know and understand this illness far better than I do, and it just seems to me that most of them still have to walk on eggshells to deal with their pwBPD. 

[jellibeans]

I think walking on eggshells can also mean that you are more aware of what you are saying and doing... . with most people you don't have to think about what you are going to say and how to say it so yes I think we are all walking on eggshells and at times when things are a bit unsettled it can be scary. Being mindful and waiting beofre responding has helped me with my dd16.

[js friend]

Hi Verbena,

I understand what you are saying.

I would say that I still walk on eggshells with my dd18. I find it difficult to have a genuine normal conversation with her like i can with most other people. Often I have to go through in my mind beforehand how best to say something... . i dont do that so much with other people. She is highly sensitive and picks up on the slightest thing; tone of my voice on the phone, or other non verbal body language. Even a text or email can be misinterpreted. Using validation with dd has calmed the waters between dd and I allowed us to survive this  relationship, although at times it still feels very stunted and superfical, but Without im sure we wouldnt have gotten even got this far.   

[pessim-optimist]

Hi Verbena,

Wanting to see your dd, and dreading it at once is a completely normal feeling after what you have been through. Many of us here have been through similar experiences, you are not alone in this... .    

I think that your description of continuing to walk on eggshells makes sense. I think that our relationship with our pwBPD will never be a 'normal' relationship where we give and receive freely and don't have to be careful about what we say and how we say it, for the most part (unless they recover from BPD through hard work in therapy).

Over time though, I think that the QUALITY of  our 'walking on eggshells' changes. So far, I have been able to observe three stages of it in my personal situation with my sd32. (And there might be more stages ahead of me; and of course I will fail from time to time, but that's ok).

First, before I knew about BPD, I 'walked on eggshells' trying to please her and not upset her, giving in to her behaviors that often were not acceptable. And there still were emotional fireworks from time to time.

Second, when I learned about BPD, I was even more aware of what was going on in her head, so I became even more careful in my thinking about her. Luckily I did not have to communicate with her at this stage because she went n/c. If I did, it would have been difficult as I did not have enough skills in place to know how to validate her feelings to help her keep calm, and I did not know how to effectively protect myself from her behavior, if it got out of hand (boundaries).

Third, I still have ways to go, but I feel more confident now about being able to observe what's going on, and knowing some strategies to deflect and defuse potentially explosive situations, and validate her experiences - thereby making her feel better in our r/s, as well as knowing where my limits are, and being ready to enforce my boundaries and protect myself.

As a result, our relationship is more peaceful, feels better to her (when I am able to validate her and help us avoid conflict), and it feels better to me, because there is less of the unpleasantness, and if/when problems arise and fireworks start (as they will, given her condition), I know how to disconnect from that and protect myself and let her "fizzle out" on her own... .

So, 'walking on eggshells' as in communicating carefully with skill - YES.

'Walking on eggshells' as in being afraid in the r/s of what's going to happen next, and having to endure abuse to keep peace - NO.

What do you think about it?

P.S. About V. Porr's book - People on this forum seem to really like it, so I hope you will like it too. I got it twice from the library, and sort of liked it, but got stuck in the middle both times and moved on to other books that I connected with more. I am still planning to read it. Maybe it just wasn't the right time for it for me. My point - there are many many books and internet resources including this site with lots and lots of good information. The goal is to find what works for you. I really like S. Manning's book "Loving Someone with BPD".

[BioAdoptMom3]

Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah!  I totally agree with you.  Mine is not even 14 yet and I am the same, even after learning about validating on this board and from her therapist and psychiatrist!  You are so right about wanting to keep the peace, sometimes at all costs.  I just had the chance a few minutes ago when she was lying in her bed after we had just gotten home from her softball party and told her to walk her dog since she needed it.  She informed me that she was too tired and would do it when she got up.  Instead of using validating language like I should have and insisted she walk the dog guess who did it?  It is so much easier to do that than it is to get into an argument about it and risk outright refusal (never had that yet but worry about it a lot).  I need to try harder as a parent, but on the other hand... .

[heronbird]

Verbena,

I read the book about eggshells because it summed us up as a family, it is a good book, but as soon as I read Valerie Porrs book, things seemed different, we dont have the eggshells problem, I guess she reframed it.

You dont have to walk on eggshells if you learn how to speak to pwBPD. Ive learnt when to back off and when its not the right time to have controversial discussions and when it is which helps us to reduce conflict and sort things out.